So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

There is a Cult. Bro, it’s not even a month after New Years and There’s a Fucking Cult in the Middle of Nowhere

“Are you comfortable, Fruit?” Chrysalis asked me while I was in her embrace. You see, after I had proposed to my Chryssy at the Great Galloping Gala, she decided to have me move into the Hive, which I happily agreed to on one condition: I get to keep Skitter and Scatter. That was of zero issue for Chryssy, so we just went along with it. I took all my things, food, appliances, whatever into the Hive and now share Chrysalis’s private chambers with her. And now I get to enjoy Chryssy snuggles from the inside of a black, hardened resin wall.

So here’s what happened when I first moved in.

“It’s King Fruit Punch!” a drone said, happily trotting up to me. In fact, a whole horde of changelings came trotting and skipping up to me at the announcement of my presence. I was a bit confused given that I barely even registered as a Prince, and now I’m some sort of king?

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said I was your king now?”

“Well sir, you proposed to the Queen, who happens to be our mother.” Skatter said while slurping up some spaghetti from a can. Skitter was close behind with seven other drones who demanded that I let them carry my stuff. Even if it was just some grocery bags, my guitar, and the small, transportable piano that I ‘borrowed’ from the castle a few days ago. It didn’t matter to the drones, what they could take out of my house, they took with pretty much everything, the door, the stove, everything.

Since it was demanded in a fairly threatening manner, I allowed the cuddle bugs to carry my things. The threats were hollow and mostly involved dogpiling on me and cuddling with me, but they were still threats.

“You’re basically king at this point. You’re going to be sharing not just a room, but a bed, with Queen Chrysalis. So in our eyes, you’re king.”

“Please don’t call me king at least. Being a Prince is bad enough, and being considered a king of an entire subspecies of changelings, hurts my brain.”

“Guess why I have been calling you sir,” Scatter said with a smirk.

“You need a raise-“

“But I don’t need money.” Dammit Scatter, let me pay you money already!

Anyways, every single Changeling demanded at least a pat, or a hug, or both as me and my little caravan came crawling through. A couple foals(what the fuck are they called again?) demanded to ride on my back, which I allowed purely because they were so damn cute that I couldn’t say no to them. Like I have a hard time telling Skitter no, and she’s at least ten times the size of these children while having smaller, big, blue, adorable eyes to use as weapons against my psyche.

The Hive was pretty dark, which was a nice little contrast to the capital city it was hidden under. Pillars of resin raised to the ceiling for either support or for decoration, you can never really tell in Equestria because magic reigns supreme and harmony is important blah, blah, blah. What’s really neat about the Hive, is that, instead of grass, the changelings seem to be using some kind of moss as an alternative. There was a little park with benches that were probably stolen and some playground equipment(there was even a swing set!), and there were some fancy street lights.

Overall, the place had a nice, little cozy feeling to it, even though it was a bit reminiscent of going into some sort of alien nest.

Anyways, I was led up to Chrysalis’s chambers, where I was promptly met with Chrysalis, who was wearing socks, which went up to her thighs and upper forelegs, and laying in her bed. I doubt that was intentional given that Chryssy was sleeping, and snoring like a puppy, and didn’t even notice I was in the room until I crawled up onto the bed. And it was instant, Chrysalis’s eyes shot open, snatched me up in her legs, and pulled me close. Now my back was touching her chest, and I was in teddy bear mode.

“Are you comfortable, Fruit?” Chrysalis slurred as she nuzzled her muzzle into my mane.

“Is that even a question? I got a case of Chryssy snuggles!” Chrysalis giggled before she went back to sleep.

Well, we both would’ve had a nice, lovely nap until Chrysalis shot up and burped up a scroll. I jerked up when my marefriend started coughing upon the violent awakening. “Jesus christ, are you alright Chryssy?” I rubbed Chryssy’s back as she recovered from burping up the scroll.

“I am fine, Fruit. It’s just been a little while since I have had to belch up your mail.” Chrysalis insists. She still leaned into my embrace even if it probably looked a little goofy given our size difference. Lastly, Chrysalis magicked over the scroll. “Go ahead and read it, I can tell it's from Celestia without even having to look at it.”

I opened up the scroll and…

“Dear Fruit Punch,

“A town northwest of Manehattan has recently sprang up and has caught the attention of Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and myself. This town is rather particular as it has only been seen by eyewitnesses of whoever may be flying overhead; it’s not an official village in any capacity. As such, I am sending the Elements of Harmony to this town. And I know what you might be thinking, my friend, you are going along to help investigate this town whether you wish to or not. A train will be arriving in two hours from when you reach this part of my message, so make haste in getting prepared.”

My eye twitched a couple of times. I slowly turned to Chrysalis and sighed. “Just when I was cozily in your arms, I have to go solve a fucking friendship problem with the elements!” I groaned. “And we were going to use the next week to plan out our wedding date… and now I’m going to be using the next week planning on how to beat the fuck out of whoever the fuck started an illegal village… Aight fuck it, I’m going to go, kick the shit out of whoever the fuck made said village, and come back… in two weeks.”

“Worry not Fruit, I can come along with you so…”

I looked at a little message at the bottom of the letter. “I gotta leave you here for some stupid shit reason!” Chrysalis snorted before springing up.

“I am going with you whether Celestia wants me to or not,” Chryssy then transformed into her usual unicorn disguise before skipping on over to the bed. I was then thrown onto her back and carried out of the Hive.

(Meanwhile)

“Are you certain that sending Fruit on a mission that keeps him away from his marefriend is a good way of separating them?” Celestia asked and Luna rubbed her hooves.

“Indeed. That damned slut stole my-“

“Now those are words unbecoming of a Princess, Luna. Now, Chrysalis is… a bit all over the place when it comes to dating alicorns, but I can tell you that she is not a slut. In fact, why do you wish to date Mr. Fruit anyways? Why not look at what Nightmare Moon did, and find a nice farm stallion to settle down with?”

(Nightmare Moon and Big Mac were in the middle of an apple bucking session in Sweet Apple Acres. The big stallion couldn’t help but admire his wife’s thighs as the muscles underneath Nightmare’s charcoal fur coiled and jerked with every kick. Meanwhile Nightmare Moon was happy to please her husband in such a simple way)

“And Fruit… while attractive is a bit… psychotic most of the time, don’t you think?” Celestia asked.

“Of course, sister, but we know he has a softer side.”

Celestia facehoofed. “Faust have mercy on the poor pony running that town… Fruit is going to beat them over the head with a brick.”

(Meanwhile)

Before I knew it, we were at the train station, where a set of very familiar ponies were waiting. Why the fuck were the Elements of Harmony in Canterlot? I don’t know. They probably called them all here just so Celestia could describe their mission to them in person.

“Hey Fruit!” Twilight waved.

“Can it, Sparkles. This thing interrupted some vital Chrysalis Snuggles and I’m grumpy. Let’s just get this shit over with, and pretend like this never happened, mkay?” Everypony looked up at Chrysalis, who simply shrugged.

“Fruit Punch takes our cuddle sessions very seriously.”

“Well… considering who he is cuddling with…” Rarity said.

“Oi, that’s my girlfriend, Rarity. Get your own.”

“We can share!”

“Only if I consent, Ms. Rarity. Unfortunately, we changelings, especially the queens, prefer one source of love.” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. “Though do not attempt why I think you’re thinking, Rarity. If you somehow bring harm to Fruit, then I will ‘kick your ass’ as Fruit says it.”

Rarity nodded, while blushing- what the hell is wrong with you, Rarity?

Anyways, I am now sitting in the train, being held by Chryssy of course, waiting for us to get to the damn drop off point. “Does this help to satiate your anger, you little gremlin?” Chrysalis asked in a very seductive voice as she started to rub my jaw. Oh my god, that feels amazing, who knew that being petted while having fur felt so damn good? I leaned deeper into the sensation and began to actually purr…

“Oh my god, I did not know Fruit purred!” Twilight squealed. “That is oddly adorable… but I must ask, why is it that Fruit tries to act like such an asshole, but then you turn him into a cuddlebug?”

“It’s quite simple really,” a voice in the ceiling said. “Fruit is a little bitch for Chrysalis's affection.”

“Shut up god… Chryssy is scratching my jaw…” I passed out.

When I came back, I was now wide awake, and Chrysalis was running her fangs through my mane, like she had been grooming me for the last however long. “Fruit, we are almost at our destination,” Chryssy said before going back to her grooming of me.

“Now I do not know why you guys would want to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere…” somebody said, probably the conductor. “But I suppose I cannot argue with the customer, who is always right, so here we are!” And just like that, we had to get off the train. Skitter and Scatter popped out of the luggage box and followed us out too. However the fuck those two were comfy while under at least a hundred pounds of luggage is beyond me, but a changeling is gonna changeling and changeling all over the place, even in a luggage box.

“The town is up ahead,” Skitter informed us, everybody who didn’t know how changelings changelinged, they turned to the drone in shock. “What? Scatter and I decided to send a few scouts ahead before we got off of the train. What do you think all those suitcases were for? Hiding more changelings!” Skitter started skipping along. “Come on already, King Fruit has a pony’s shit he wants to ‘kick in’.” Skitter then began prancing ahead while everyone except me and Chryssy just blinked and went along with it.

“I think I want a pet changeling now,” Pinkie ran ahead, matching Skitter’s sudden enthusiasm beat for beat.

The town came into view, and boy was it something. It was pretty generous to call this town… well, a town. There were about fifteen houses, all of which were basically the same, in a row. One street where each house was neatly set up in an equal sign, excluding the fifteenth one, because I guess that’s the leader’s house. Chrysalis eyed it as critically as I was, but for a different reason. What that reason was, I dunno.

This town looked like it would be home to a cult or some shit.

“Say, look at that! Everypony has the same cutie mark…” Twilight said while cocking her head. “I know that isn’t normal to any capacity, but look at how happy everypony is despite that.”

“Yup, this town’s a cult. Let’s go find the leader and shoot them in the back of the head.” I pulled out a revolver, something one of my changelings had managed to build using my design for a musket as a base, and loaded it.

“No! We’re here to see what is up with this town, not kill the leader, Fruit!” Twilight slapped me over the head, only to elicit a snarl from Chrysalis.

“Touch Fruit again in such a manner, and I will gut you, Twilight. And I will make your loved ones watch as you scream in agony for a mercy that will never come. Do we have an understanding, oh Princess of Friendship?” Chrysalis’s voice turned cold as the purple alicorn quickly nodded before patting the back of my head attentively. “Good, now let us converse with the locals, and perhaps we shall find something either out of the ordinary or if this is just how these ponies are.”

Chrysalis then floated up into the air, I was about to follow Chrysalis down into town using my own wings, and the other ponies walked down after us. Chrysalis came to an elegant landing while I slammed head first into the street below right beside her. Ow… god I need to learn how to stick landings better.

“Fruit, are you okay?”

“Oh yeah…” I sat up and rubbed my head as I felt a headache forming. Shortly after, the rest of everybody showed up afterwards.

“Welcome!” A white earth pony and a teal unicorn came trotting up to us. “Oh my, two alicorns?”

“Shut up, my head hurts like I just drank four gallons of bud light, and I don’t think I wanna hear your over exaggerated enthusiasm.”

“My name is Double Diamond and this is Party Favor.”

Apple Jack began to list off all of our names, only to be stumped to find that Skitter and Scatter were now missing, even though I could perfectly see them vibing on top of the rooftops, staring down at us. Then she got stumped again while wondering what to call me the Prince of.

“Hi, I’m Prince of Whatever, Call me Fruit Punch.”

Twilight asked about any ‘trouble’ going on in the village, and we were immediately offered the chance to go speak with the founder of the town.

We were led to the house at the end of the street, and the door opened. “Starlight, we have some new visitors!” Double Diamond announced, walking into the ‘founder’s house’.

Rainbow was in the middle of warning Apple Jack about the possibility of a monster being in the basement, before some light purple unicorn mare came walking out. “

“Welcome!” She said in a fake manner. I’m assuming that’s Starlight.

“Aight, what the fuck’s going on?” I asked.

Double Diamond began to introduce us, and Starlight started being impressed at how Twilight and I were alicorns. Meanwhile, I pulled out a bottle of booze while contemplating how much I need to drink to make this headache go away.

“Oh my god, why the fuck is the entire town singing?” I said, wondering why the fuck I was on Chrysalis’s back, with half a bottle of booze left. In all seriousness, the song wasn’t even all that bad, but my headache was now even worse because of the alcohol in my system instead of better. So I couldn’t really join in on the dancing, even if it was fake as all fuck.

“I am not sure, Fruit. In all seriousness, I would like to join in, but something is off, and I can feel it. In fact, Skitter and Scatter ran off before we entered town because of how weird this town feels. Like the emotions of everypony here is… entirely off, like they’re happiness is false, but not false all at the same time.”

The song had reached its conclusion and Starlight started to walk away after telling her citizens to take care of us.

“Yo, Starlight, why the fuck are you manipulating an entire village into thinking individuality is a bad thing?” I ran after the unicorn.

“W-what?”

“Bitch, I went to school for psychology. I can tell when somebody’s two timing everybody. So what’s wrong with everybody being different anyways?”

“Well… our cutie marks can lead to disagreements–”

“Some friend you had ‘abandoned’ you after they got their cutie mark before you, didn’t they?”

Starlight’s mouth fell wide open and she just stared. “How…”

“I dunno. Everybody that happens to be ‘evil’ has some reason to be evil while having it be super predictable. Like Tirek just wanted power, Nightmare Moon was jealous or some shit, you apparently have some childhood trauma you need to talk through. Really, it’s not that hard to pick up on this stuff when you pay attention.”

‘Why you-”

I slipped a ring on Starlight’s horn before smugly grinning. “Man, am I glad that I stole at least seventeen of those from Canterlot last week. Anyways, show me where the cutie marks are, and let’s end this whole fiasco… because I was originally coming here to come and murder you for interrupting my nap time with your stupid as fuck cult. So, what will it be? Come quietly, or come in a body bag?”

“Y-you, a Prince wouldn’t dare bring the death penalty-”

“I’m the Prince of War. I’m more than comfortable with killing you,” I bluffed. “Because it’s not the death penalty if there isn’t an audience, Ms. Starlight. So what will it be?” Again, even I have standards, and boy am I glad that Starlight was beginning to fall for my bluff. I really don’t wanna have to actually murder somebody.

“I…. I guess I’ll come quietly. And I’ll show you where the cutie marks are.” Starlight sighed.

“Good, looks like I won’t have to clobber you over the head with a brick!”

Author's Note:

Well, Starlight doesn’t get her shit kicked in, or murdered, but she will receive a brick to the back of the head on the train ride back home!

She won’t die though, Starlight and Trixie are adorable together and I don’t wanna have that be cancelled.

Comments

[ramdom_player201]

Changelings are immune to have their not-cutie-marks stolen. Also, what was Fruit's cutie mark again? Did the village just spawn in out of nowhere, I'd be surprised if it lasted so long without being noticed. Although it was originally only the tree castle which noticed. I'm assuming Twilight hasn't got a tree castle yet? I guess she didn't kill Tirek.

I wonder if the tree of friendship harmony is happy about not being able to get that box opened. I cannot remember if the box even got spawned in this timeline.

[Nugget27]

11530293
fruit’s cutiemark was a mic. also i’m assuming if it weren’t for the magic table in Twilight’s castle, which she doesn’t have in this timeline, I’d assume nobody would have even known about Our Town until somebody happened to be flying over it, hence the arbitrary amount of time it’s taken to find said town.

[ramdom_player201]

11530364
Makes sense. Also, readable words here are enjoymentable. Is good. Okay, MC.CM="mic" and TreeCastle="false." Ima look up when the pre-castle box canonically spawned.

[Fireeaters]

I guess you can't really be effectively ambushed When you've got a gun, and the guy who wants to ambush you is in front of you, and being really obvious about trying to lead you to it.

[Nugget27]

11534058
imma be honest. this whole story is just a massive shitpost. at some point i do plan on remaking it, but have it be less of a shitpost, and more of an actual story. you know, where dumb shit like this chapter doesn’t exists.

tldr; i wanna actually make a version of this that’s decent. while i love coming up with dumb shit for this chapter, I wanna make something decent.

[Twilight_the_spy]

11534218
It may be a shitpost, but it's a good shitpost and was also added to my respective "good shitposts" bookshelf. If you do decide to remake it into something less shitposty though, I'll be along for that ride too.

[SoulstringsReburn]

More

[jasha3558021]

Me encanta esta historia espero con ansias los próximos capítulos 😁👍🇱🇻
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

[bluerock66]

awwww no brick?

[Stone1515]

First I wanted to say this is my experience while this is a serious story made with focus on plot, character and all that jazz. I absolutely thought this wouldn't or atleast wasn't supposed to be just shit and giggles so I went ahead withthe expectation that the story would eventually go in a direction to transform in a stand up comedy-like story about a 'ponyturned' human getting famous in pony land by bringing innovation to a most likely stagnant culture. I was seriously disappointed, this is mostly just random weird shenanigans happening for absolutely no reason coupled with long ass useless paragraphs in that weird "commentary style" in between those such shenanigans, paragraphs which do absolutely nothing but pad out useless information you will probably forget by the time you go to the next chapter. Like, It really doesn't serve any purpose to know anything about how trash pony pizza is, or how celestia eats dozens of slices at once, or how "wacky" the human think this cartoon-like land is and constantly repeating that same information in some strange monologue style. 70% of everything written is a monologue that doesn't change anything in the story. I was also waiting until the jokes turned funny? They never did actually, I was thinking he was going to slowly get better and better but no, no. To be honest it wasn't even necessary to make the jokes yourself, you can just take and creatively adapt them to this new context, some from people like Dave Chappelle, Kevin Hart, Russell ot Bill Burr or even just random jokes on the internet or youtube. The world of mpl is weird and absurd and yet still dares to maintain a semblance of realism, this is one of the main reasons why so many end up finding interest in it, yet you missed all of that, somehow. You also still try to make the reactions of 'mob' realistic in relation to all this absurdity and being isekai'ed? By only making him scream into water and on a pillow? Sorry to say but that's probably not how a normal person would ever react to that, human reaction indeed is truly a wonder which psychologists and scientists study to this day, but I'm sure you can't shrug off the fact you will never return to your family, never see Earth or enjoy what it had to offer, never find a semblance of the many things you had before, have any and all things you achieved and friendships you made completely destroyed, never be a human and now be forced to be a pony, never find a significant other because adapting to accept having relations with a sapient species that so heavily resembles an animal would take many years for your NORMAL human and to some would be never due to bestiality being disgusting and all, and also discovering everything you once thought you know about the universe is wrong due to magic, horses moving celestial objects and whatnot. Oh and also not to forget your are forced to never talk about your problems to anyone ever except for the two dictator-like rulers of the nation which hold complete control over all branches of government and can instantly decimate you if they felt like it. And how does our beloved protagonist respond to this situation? Screaming into a pillow and in water, to be fair some humans can shrug of the now and have a mental breakdown happen slowly, the process being hidden in their subconscious and slowly spill to their daily lives while they pretend everything is fine, but this is not such a case.

Look, you either chose to take a realistic approach or take something idealistic. Everyone is fine with completely decimating swats of people in a game, but bring that to real life and you will find people that would rather die than ever kill someone. Being isekai'ed in real life would be a serious mental burden to anyone, even a screwed up maniac would still be stunned by the pure paradigm changes that is changing from Earth to and from Equestria. So you either chose to take the most common approach a great part of the good stories on this site take and just rolls with it, usually they just have the main character know the world previously, or given a second chance at life or whatnot or you stop and make this isekai event a real burden, an obstacle to your character, one that he has to surpass if he ever hopes to progress in this "wacky pony land" you can't just make it an inconvenience and expect the story to make sense.

I didn't want to ramble, but I was so hopeful for this story that even though I was "seeing the signs" I still hoped for it to get better eventually. My fault really. I don't think it's a bad story, I guess? Just wasn't after just a random-like story, atleast if it was funny I could still enjoy it but this... Was just too and 'wacky' for me, but the like/dislike ratio shows that most readers seem satisfied so there's that.

[Swordfighter125]

Day 69 of waiting for the new chapter of this story:

[Ali della Morte]

11658293
Yes, I know. I have seen the show before.

[ramdom_player201]

11729499
Sounds interesting. If you try that, good luck!

[Tempest_Flare]

11806912
point, i'm native american i know how bad it is

[Reily]

What happened to Not so Funny Story, where you took a more serious take on the events in this story?

[Nugget27]

11820112
it was unlisted as there was a ceetain few, showhorned choices that i wasn’t happy with. in spirit, my latest story is a rewrite of that, though with a different name.