So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Dinner with the ‘Elements’

So, security to everywhere and anywhere in Canterlot has stepped up a lot. Chrysalis had recently opted to stay inside a lot more, since guards were wandering around and zapping ponies with spells for some reason. I just wanted to buy some milk, and I get scanned at various checkpoints in the city to make sure that I’m not a skinwalker or something. The reason for why may have to do with the fact that the wedding for Princess Cadence was in a week. Oh yeah, and there was a pink bubble around Canterlot to add to the list of bullshiit that popped up…

I know what being a goldfish is like now, I guess.

Anyway, I was trying to figure out what I should buy for Cadence, since I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know shit about her. Fuck, I don’t even know who the hell she’s marrying, so I dunno… I’ll just go get the Princess a Love some shitty book with a heart on it. Surely it’ll be about love, and therefore, the Princess of Love will love it. On top of that, I’ll make a cute(and terrible) little drawing of a horse so she won’t throw it out. That, or I just don’t show up with anything and hope nobody notices.

Or just not show up at all.

I passed through a 7th checkpoint, entered a supermarket(somehow this place has supermarkets but no television), and got scanned by somebody as soon as I walked in. One of the cashiers waved at me with a huge smile on their face, a smile that was clearly too big to be real; no retail worker is that happy to be working… nope, never mind. Those look like genuine smiles to me. How in the heck was somebody genuinely happy to be working at this specific type of job? Customers are horrible to deal with- that’s a skit idea.

One overly happy cashier and one cashier on the verge of killing themselves.

I grabbed a shopping cart and nudged it along with my head as I beelined for the dairy isle, quickly grabbed some milk, and decided to wander around a bit more. You see, I’m an idiot, and Chrysalis handed me a pouch full of bits to splurge on. I’m not gonna question how a ruler of another country, that doesn’t use money, has a lot of bits, but whatever. Anyways, I bought a box of chocolate, a stupid book that had a heart on it(it was about how a pony and a timber werewolf[wat] find love), and a beanie.

The beanie made me really excited, since I can wear this and not worry about how my mane looks in public! I’ll look like a degenerate for wearing a hat inside, but who cares? I certainly don’t. There was even a hole for my horn to go through, so I didn't stab the beanie. It had a cute little design that looked a lot like a wolf, but looked like it was made of wood. Its eyes were a sharp green, like it was supposed to be glowing. Anyway, I bought a second one for Chrysalis since I think she’d look adorable with a beanie on.

What? Technically Chrysalis gave me her money, so I might as well get her something. Might as well get her a beanie since it is getting a tad bit chilly thanks to it being fall now… holy fuck this year was going by fast. I came in during New Year day, and now it’s the middle of Pegasust(or August if you ignored the shitty pony/horse pun). Jesus Christ, In a few more months, then I would've been stuck in Equestria for a year! Well, I might as well celebrate this by buying alcohol and getting fucking smashed on New Year.

I’m not in debt though, so who is the winner here, really? Well, my friends and family probably think I’m dead, but they probably don’t care. Since I had life insurance, so that meant if I were to suddenly die, then my family would get paid like… a million bucks. Maybe with a little dead son pressure, I can get them to donate to Make a Wish. So really it’s a win-win-win. I don’t have to make some sort of excuse not to see my family from now on, I’m not in debt, and my parents get a million dollars. Anyways, I quickly checked out, paid whatever I owed and left the store. I am now the proud owner of a beanie.

Not without getting scanned again though.

Several more checkpoints and possible physical violations were put upon me, and I made it home. I proudly walked back inside my tiny little apartment while adorning my beanie, and quickly put milk into the ice box. Chrysalis was napping on the couch, with a slice of pizza laying on her chest, and a bit of another slice hanging out of her mouth… okay, she snored like a puppy(a loud one). That’s kinda cute… Well, who would think that an immortal bug god would be cute? I didn’t when I first met Chrysalis, but she found a way to be cute entirely by accident.

And she fuels her magic through cuddles(literally. She cuddled with me when she felt her magic begin to deplete. After the cuddle session, she was moving around like she drank some redbull). Surprisingly, an exoskeleton was kinda soft and nice to lay your head on. Now, she could be feeding off of me, but I didn’t mind, since it didn’t really hurt me at all. Plus, she wasn’t exactly evil, just that she loved her Hive. Even if her Hive could be… a bit dense, the Changelings in said Hive were still her children…

I think I love Chrysalis.

Not in the “have my babies” kind of way, but she is kinda like a sibling. A very well controlled, long lived(possibly immortal) sister, but still a bit like a sister. My human brain physically cannot find anything with an equine build to be attractive, so being romantically involved with Chrysalis was a fat no. I didn’t think we could fuck if we wanted to, but I won’t have to find out. I’m perfectly happy to have a Changeling sister that happens to be kinda cuddly.

I sat down on the couch without disturbing the sleeping Changeling Queen, who was now drooling(d’aww). This was the least lady-like lady I’ve met in years. I took a book up in my magic. It was a more advanced book on pony psychology, which I’ve found very interesting. Since you know, I’m a wannabe comedian, I had to take a psychology class. It partially helped out with knowing what jokes to tell, and how to read a room better to know when you should change comedy styles. Philosophy was a huge thing in pony society, much like it once was in human history.

Some cool things the thinkers are thinking of is if peaceful solutions are always the best solution, or if something more lethal would do the trick. You see, as human beings, we have a simple solution to many things that trouble us. If there's a threat that can be potentially life threatening, then shoot it and/or kill it. Otherwise, ignore the problem and hope it doesn’t bite you in the ass later. Usually we just sweep problems under the rug and then wonder why X is causing Y to do Z in a way that we don’t want. Then we end up blaming X more than the actual problem- wait a fucking second.

Why does this book say ‘if something goes wrong, our Princess(this was written before Luna returned from the moon) will put an end to it’? Like dude, I get that Celestia is basically a god, but she isn’t omnipotent, and she ain’t omnipresent either. She’s a very powerful horse that sneezes like a kitten, but she isn’t exactly a god even if she does come very close to it. Well, hey, if something goes wrong, I’m not gonna sit on my ass and wait for a pony that can move a celestial body, to save my ass. No, I’m going to grab the nearest object and hopefully bludgeon the nearest threat in sight.

So shit military, and a stupid idea of ‘Celestia will save us!’ Mentality… dude, how was this the strongest country on the planet? Bro, we’re all gonna die to a fucking goat nation at some point. Fuck, some other people might find a way into where ever the fuck this is, and commit genocide.

“mmrg…” Chrysalis stirred and began to sit up(after swallowing the two pieces of pizza she had on her. “Sweet Fruity? Is that you?” she asked before going to rub her eyes with a forehoof. “Did you get milk while you were out?” the Queen asked.

“Yup, got a couple gallons.”

“What in the hay are gallons?”

“I meant griffins!” I corrected it. Fucking christ, how many mythological puns for shit were there? The entire measurement system was a bunch of puns, which I am very happy about. Griffins, horsets, flanks, and fluid ponies. All terrible, very forced pony/mythologically based puns and I’m all for it! “God, not using the metric system as an American really does put a damper on my plans for world domination,” I said while Chrysalis groggily laid her head on my shoulder.

“We can both do that… at the wedding. Just take me as your plus one,” Chrysalis slurred.

“But I’m already a plus one.”

“The Plus One’s Plus One then.”

“Didn’t you say I shouldn’t go?”

“Yes, but if I go, then and I can collect love and keep you safe…” Chrysalis burped and a letter erupted from the green fires that were expelled from the Changeling Queen. Oh yeah, ponies can send letters by magic, and Chrysalis decided to be our sentient mailbox for the time that she was here. All I had to do was give an address, give my name, give the person who would be acting as sentient mailbox, and boom! Changeling Mail! This kinda made up for the lack of internet.

Not really, I miss being able to ask a girl if she’d like to do some Netflix and chill, and then not doing that because I lack social skills.

“Celestia wants you to come to the castle,” Chrysalis said… she was reading my mail! Damn woman stays for my food, my couch, my bed, and reads my mail! Fuckin’ hell Chryssy, you’re lucky that you’re a good roommate and you’re good your dishes. “Something about meeting six ponies that she wanted you to meet,” she added. “And… that’s it,” Chrysalis burped and a little pendant came out afterwards. “Ooo shiny!” She said, before handing it over to me.

“So what’s the pendant for?” I asked.

“Hive if I know,” Chrysalis shrugged. “Just make sure you steal me a stallion to make love with. I’m dying for pony meat.”

“Wat?”

“Don’t worry, I don’t actually eat ponies. That would be barbaric.”

“Woman, you slept with half a pizza slice down your throat-“

“Ah, I said barbaric, not messy. Don’t accuse me of not being a mess, because you are flat wrong if you say otherwise.” I made my way over to the door, before Chrysalis was right by it, and planted a kiss on my cheek. “That’s to let my drones know that you’re mine, so if they end up breaking the shield, then you won’t be harmed.”

“That’s a lie.”

“You’re right. It makes me feel better to think that way, however.”

“Same, let’s pretend it does, and then I sneak you into the wedding.”

With that, I hugged the Changeling, and left our little apartment. I waved at a few passerbys, who seemed to not notice the fucking pink forcefield over our head. Hello, fellow ponies, our city is potentially going to burn down in a week. Do you not think that is problematic? No? Not at all, cool. Maybe ponies are a bit too reliant on our incompetent military and princesses that have control over the sun and moon.

On the bright side, the sun is a deadly lazer, and again, the Princesses owns that. So maybe ponies are a little justified in their reliance on Sunbutt, but it’s still dumb to rely on her.

Seven checkpoints, a body check, and a bag check(I don’t have any bags. What the fuck), and I was in Canterlot Castle. From there I was scanned another five times, led up to the Solar Wing of the castle, scanned again, and brought into what looked like a dining hall. Six mares, Shining Armor, and Princess Cadence were sitting around and eating dinner. One of the mares, a purple one, was currently chatting with Cadence like they had some history together.

Oh, Celestia just walked in behind me.

“Hello, Fruit Punch. I’m glad you could join me and the Elements for dinner tonight,” with that, everybody in the room turned to me, and I casually waved a hoof. I was doing my best to keep a chilled, laid back impression, but I wanted to jump out of a window. I really hated being in rooms full of people. It’s why I folded so hard when I got sued by Luna(on top of me knowing that I was fucked).

“Say, I think I heard of ya,” the Orange One said.

“Lemme guess, that one pony that Luna sued?” I asked.

“So that’s the pony that fell on top of Luna during the Gala!” A white pony with a curly, purple mane said. “At least the Princess found a good catch, even if he might be a creep,” she added.

“Rarity,” Purple Horse said.

“What Twilight? For all we know, he could’ve been planning on dropping on top of poor Luna like that!” My eyes twitched. This pony sounded like a rich asshole with a soup ladle shoved up her ass. “Why is he here anyways?” Rarity continued.

“You know, I’m flattered,” everypony looked at me. “When I woke up in my bed almost a year ago, I was busy thinking about student loans and improv practice. Maybe dream about running a comedy show for thousands of adoring fans if I ever made it big… But actively planning something, breaching through several layers of security, and thinking that I can casually assault Princess Luna with barely any repercussions because I played my cards right in court?

“Rarity, fare Rarity, mare that talks like there’s a soup ladle of her ass, thank you for assuming I’m diabolical enough to come up with that. Who knows? I may be scheming to take over Equestria by booping that dingus,” I pointed at a sleepy Luna, who looked ready to pass out and slam her head into some oatmeal. “Holy shit Luna, what the fuck happened to you?” I trotted over to the Moon Princess and wrapped an arm around her back.

“Buck thee, Fruit.”

“Rude.”

“Excuse my sister, Lulu has been trying to readjust her usual nocturnal habits so she can attend Cadence’s wedding,” Celestia walked over and draped a wing over Luna. As anticipated several months ago, wing hugs from an alicorn looked adorable, especially when Luna melts into her sister’s hug. “And then word has spread that there maybe a threat to the city, which requires my sister and I to keep watch at all hours of the day and night.

“Which means Luna’s plans to go to our niece’s wedding are null and void.”

Oh right, that might be Chryssy’s drones… oh well, clearly the Royal Guard has that handled.

“Go put Luna in her room! She looks a bit tired, don’tcha think?” I asked. Celestia nodded, and before Luna could protest, was teleported away. Hopefully to her room into her bed, under her blanket, with a teddy bear. I cleared my throat after that whole thing was over. “So, why’d you want me to meet these six, Celly? Trying to get me to make friends?” I asked.

“I was, but then you implied that Miss Rarity has a soup ladle shoved up her rear,” Princess Celestia said. I slowly turned away from the Mare of the Morn, and low and behold, all six mares, except the pink one, were glaring at me. Huh, so that’s what happens when I don’t take ADHD medicine for a year. Good to know, I need adderall. Maybe Chrysalis can whip up magical versions, since she’s pretty well versed with magic. Assuming that she is, since she taught me how to use magic in like a… minute

“Uh… sorry about the whole ‘soup ladle in butt’ thing. I kinda don’t like when somebody implies that I was planning to rape somebody. I wouldn’t because it’s fucked up,” then I pulled a small, black book out of my flank pocket. “And because this little book here has a million metaphors in it, telling me why it’s fucked up.” The book was titled ‘the Cult of the Magical Mare with a Sun Butt Tattoo’. I decided to make take a small, little leather book, print a title on it, and keep it for a practical joke at some point.

And now I got to use it. Get fucking meta’d, bitches… I need medicine.

“Oh my, are you starting yet another cult in my honor, Fruit?” Celestia asked.

“Yup!” I immediately opened the book and pretended to scribble what she just said down. “And… that means ‘Murder bad, don’t do it.’” That got a giggle out of Celestia. I wrote that down. “Make sure you enjoy life, it won’t last long!” Celestia snorted.

“I think you enjoy prop based humor too much.”

“What can I say? Can’t be a comedian if I don’t prop myself up against a style of comedy. Every comedian has a type of joke, or thing they do. Bo Burnham writes silly songs, I make terrible puns, and Logal Paul goes into forests and films dead bodies. We just need to find the right type of humor to work with!” Celestia raised an eyebrow. Before brushing off the bit about dead bodies. Good, I don’t want to explain to Celestia that that was a stunt used for publicity.

“Ooo! This guy’s great! He can be apart of the entertainment during the ‘Princess Cadence and Shining Armor, Twilight’s brother, get married’ party!” The pink one said. Uh… wat.

“That wouldn’t be too bad of an idea, Miss Pinkie, but I’m not quite sure that Fruit’s humor would be very suitable for a wedding.”

“Of course, my sense of humor is perfect for weddings. I tell them, the crowd happily weds my one good joke, and then divorce once they realize my sense of humor is terrible. It’s like marrying somebody, but then they steal your wallet and your left kidney, and disappear without a trace,” I said. “Like damn, I get the bit about stealing my wallet, but now I’m down a kidney. How else will I be able to process overly salty popcorn now?” I placed a hoof over where I think my kidneys are. “It’s a shame really, I never recovered from the emotional damage.”

“You were married? You seem a little young to be married already,” the orange one said.

“Yeah, I got married this one time, and it was super sick. Me and my wife got along super well, shared a lot of hobbies, personal interests and dreams. And like, it turns out that I never got married. In fact, I’ve been sitting on the couch, wallowing in my own filth for the last 250 years. And like, I imagined that whole thing, and I never ate food during that time. Can I borrow some hay please?” That got the pink one to laugh like a maniac while everybody just gave me a weird look. Well, it was better than the glares.

“Speaking of which, I believe you might have a special somepony, a pony you’d like to bring to the wedding, don’t you, Fruit?” Cadence asked.

“Isn’t Sunny already taking me as her date?”

“Only as a plus one. I’d like to get the rumor mill churning again.”

“We could make it run while overclocked. I got somebody I wanna take, we can get those nobles to think you support threesomes.” Celestia rubbed her hooves together like a villain.

“You’re right… and I get to meet the one pony you’ve actually made friends with. So surely they must be special if they could do that,” Celestia said.

“Oh yeah, she’s great-“

“She?” Princess Cadence asked. “A special somepony, perhaps?”

“I mean, she is a cuddle bug. And really friendly, I met her after somebody slipped drugs into the princesses’ tea, and she moved into my place ever since.” A plate of ‘pizza’ was set in front of me. “Oh son of a bitch!” Everybody that wasn’t Celestia gasped at my outburst.

“Do not mind Fruit, he has a thing against pizza.”

“Show me where the fuckin’ kitchens are. I’m gonna make y’all some real fucking pizza.” Celestia called a guard over and had them lead me to the royal kitchens… mozzarella, asiago, stuff to make marinara sauce, stuff to make dough. Okay, time to abolish the insult that is ‘proper’ pizza in Equestria with something that doesn’t just taste like bread and veggies. Watch your asses, my little ponies, you’re going straight down to flavor town!

Anyways, I made six three cheese pizzas, half of them with bell peppers, and the other.was plain. I even made a seventh with a stuffed crust. I got a cart, which the kitchen staff were nice enough to lend me, and began to make my way back to the dining room.

Anyways, the alicorns in the room had stuffed all three bell pepper pizzas down their throats, and the elements were stuffed full of cheese pizza. Shining Armor was covered in pizza sauce, and now I’m back in the kitchen, making more pizza. Oh, and the stuff crust pizza was discovered and torn to shreds within five seconds. This was a mistake and a half… hey, I might get paid for this at least!

I didn’t even get to have a slice of my own pie.

Also I didn’t get paid. What a scam!

Comments

[Heptameron]

What? Technically Chrysalis gave me her money, so I might as well get her something. Might as well get her a beanie since it is getting a tad bit chilly thanks to it being fall now… holy fuck this year was going by fast. I came in during New Year day, and now it’s the middle of Pegasust(or August if you ignored the shitty pony/horse pun). Jesus Christ, In a few more months, then I would've been stuck in Equestria for a few a year! Well, I might as well celebrate this by buying alcohol and getting fucking smashed on New Year.

for a few a year?

i think you mean a year

[Ezekiel Namuh]

That pizza scene was incredible. The moment Fruit brings those pizzas out...
Well...

Faust, I love this story.

[Mourek202]

On the bright side, the sun is a deadly lazer, and again, the Princesses own that. So maybe ponies are a little justified in their reliance on Sunbutt, but it’s still dumb to rely on her.

Bill Wurtz called, he wants his joke back