Celestia Hijacked this Chapter
(Celestia’s pov)
I sat back down in my seat after microwaving popcorn, Day Court would still be running for another three hours, and Fruit Punch was now in the same position I was a mere ten minutes ago. After dealing with Carrot Peeler, who was likely serving jail time for attempted murder, and dealing with a snobby pony that tried to black mail him, the next couple of ponies seemed to bore him as they talked. Quite a few ponies stepped away from Day Court after realizing I would no longer be hosting for the evening.
“Alright so, let me get this straight,” Fruit pointed at a mare, who had come to Day Court over a property dispute. “You say you own some land that your neighbor also claims to own, you have zero legal documents, and your neighbor does?” Fruit facehoofed, and chuckled. “Because this document says that your land and your neighbor’s land is nicely divided by a nice, long fence.”
“Yes, but-“
“Don’t argue with the legal documents, you dickhead. You are dismissed,” Fruit grabbed a brick. “And get the fuck out without arguing, or I’ll lob this at your head,” he threatened. The dull look in Fruit’s eyes told me that he was not sober and had probably managed to drink alcohol before I had returned with my popcorn. The sad thing is, if Fruit is drunk, then he is running this country better than actual politicians when they take my place for the day.
“Next.”
“Oh, so you’re the one ruining Day Court for everypony!” Oh dear, my nephew, the annoying one, not Shining Armor, Prince Blueblood, trotted into the room accompanied by several guards. “I heard that you yelled at my friend over a business issue, and I would like to understand why a peasant is taking care of day court instead of my aunt.” Meanwhile, Fruit had… a can of beer and was sipping out of it.
“Did he say something about how I ripped an ‘expensive’ jacket that was specifically for displaying shit?”
“Yes! His jackets were doing terribly, and he asked for a loan-“
Fruit whipped out a small device and hit a button on it. “Hold on, don’t know how to operate buttons this small with a hoof- oh right, head penis equals magic!” The device was lifted up in Fruit’s magical grasp, which looked much stronger than it had when… actually, I don’t think I’ve seen Fruit’s magic in action beyond when I tested it- Chrysalis probably taught him, of course she would. She probably loved doing it.
The device then began to play what… sounded like an audio recording of the entire conversation that he had with the previous noble. “Had this just in case Celestia wants proof that I didn’t just tell twenty people to fuck off. Well, I did, but I’ve been through about three or four people excluding you. The only good one to come through was some guy asking about how to do algebra. The rest were bullshit.” Darn it! I missed that one.
“Your buddy tried to blackmail me… whoever the fuck you are,” Fruit’s eyes widened. “Wait, aunt? How the fuck are you related to Celestia or Luna? Like you look like you shove soup ladles up your arse for five hours a day for fun, while kissing your own ass for another hour, and then having your ass be kissed by your fuck buddies for another three hours. Tell me, Dobbin,” I need to ask how Fruit managed to know that slur. “Why the fuck should I care-“
Chrysalis, and two of her siblings, Thistle(partially why myself and Chrysalis broke up. I didn’t want to be bitten by Thistle. And Chrysalis didn’t want to see me get bitten) and Scuttle. I think so at least, it was a little hard to tell the difference, but there were slight physical differences and huge personality differences between Chrysalis and her various siblings. Thistle glared at Blueblood for a moment, before gagging in disgust. “Oh god! He tastes like a huge ego!”
“Oh hey Chryssy, how’s it going with the family?”
“That’s it! I’ve had enough of you pretending like you know what you’re doing. You know this is daycourt, yes? I am your current petitioner, so you give me your full, undivided attention.”
“You skipped the mare that was supposed to be in front of you, and the whole twenty other people in front of you. Scatter told me by the way.” One of Fruit’s Guards flopped down from the ceiling. “So I don’t gotta listen to your dumbass. Go eat a dick or something, I dunno, and maybe you…” Blueblood slapped Fruit in the face with a glove and all three changeling queens growled, and so did Fruit’s guard.
“Do not harm Fruit-“ Thistle backed up when Fruit used a hoof to back her up a bit. “Hey! I’m trying to make sure you’re still alive before you bed my sister!” What?
“Nah, the dumbfuck just challenged me to a duel. Hold on. Plus he’ll spin this on you somehow, some way, and then thinks he can get away with it because his aunt is a Princess.” Fruit then looked Blueblood in the eye. “Ah, big, strong earth pony- nevermind, didn’t notice the horn, that’s taller than the average stallion… I see why you think you’d be confident in kicking my ass, but let me tell you.” Fruit picked Blueblood up with his magic, while Blueblood himself was telling Fruit Punch to put him down.
“I’m a wee bit drunk, and I really don’t feel like dealing with you. Scatter, frying pan, please.” Fruit’s guard turned into a big frying pan and slammed into my nephew, instantly knocking him out. Fruit, what are you doing with that ‘self pleasure’ device? Oh my goodness, Fruit just shoved a carrot into Blueblood's nose. An actual carrot, not a dildo. “Guards, please take our prince to his room and hold him there. I’m going to beat his ass with a belt when I speak to him again.” The guards looked at each other, shrugged, and nodded.
“Next!” Fruit crushed the can of beer with his magic as the last pony came in, a wall-eyed pegasus I have seen around Ponyville, on occasion, in Canterlot running mail. I believe that was Ditzy, or Derpy. It’s hard to tell since one name always made mothers angry. Fruit waved. “Yo, how’s your day going?”
“It’s been going good, sir. Uh… where is Princess Celestia?”
“She’s off on vacation at the moment, and I’m covering her. Do you need… Well, actually, you’re here. So what do you need help with?” Fruit raised his voice up an octave and it… sounded friendlier than usual. Even a touch softer, like the stallion was trying to be inviting. Chrysalis raised an eye ridge, probably never hearing Fruit’s voice like that.
“Uh… for some reason, my boss won’t pay me. It’s been two months since my last paycheck and, while my husband has told me I don’t need to work a day in my life when I’m with him, I’d like to get paid, so it doesn’t look like I’m just using my husband for my own personal gain.”
Ditzy then produced documents that Fruit read over, and even asked Chrysalis if they were legitimate. Chrysalis nodded in approval and the human-turned pony sighed.
“And it’s tradition that the mare’s the breadwinner, eh?” Fruit asked. Odd, I didn’t think Fruit would know that. He isn’t the type that would scream ‘scholar’, but he was apparently in an advanced class for psychology before ending up in Equestria, so I could’ve been wrong with my initial assumption. “Aight, Ditzy was it?” The mare nodded. “Did you bring your boss here? Because to me, it sounds like he’s scamming the fuck out of you because… no offense, but he may just think you’re dumb enough to not notice the severe lack of money coming your way from delivering the mail.
“And clearly, you’ve noticed.” Fruit grabbed a piece of paper, scribbled in it, and all of a sudden, it popped in front of me. “Please send me a copy of whatever the fuck is needed to demand payment with your signature. I know what it’s like to not get paid for the work I put in, so I would like to make sure this lady in your court gets her money. Also, sorry if I interrupted any relaxation time, I just want to make sure there is no way to dispute my solution.” Well then, here I was expecting Fruit to yell at everypony, but he had actually stepped up and is trying to help out a genuine issue. Without hesitation, I summoned the proper documents and signed them all, before sending them Fruit’s way.
Chrysalis then belched and the documents flew into Fruit’s hooves. “Give this to your boss,” Fruit skimmed each page. “It’s an immediate notice to pay you for two month’s worth of work. No ifs, ands, or buts. It has to be all at once, or he will be receiving a notice from the crown. And if he still refuses, give me his home address. I got something I wanna test out anyways, and he’ll be the test subject if he doesn’t comply.” Ditzy ran up and hugged Fruit once handed the documents.
“Now I wish you were an actual Prince! This is way more than I would’ve expected when I came here today!” Ditzy let go, rubbed the back of her head. “Sorry for intruding on your personal space… it’s just that nobody would help me for so long, because they think I’m lying even if I show them legitimate proof that I haven’t been paid.”
“I get where you’re coming from, which is why I’m making sure you get paid. Worked in a grocery store for a bit, but never got paid a dime because the owner claimed I didn’t work in the store after he hired me. It pissed me the fuck off, and I can only imagine would it would be like to have that happen for two months straight. Even if your husband has an extremely reliable income, and can make it so you never have to work, you still work. And if you’re refused what you’ve earned, then that’s plain wrong, even without it being illegal to not pay your employees.”
“Now go tell your boss to pay you,” Fruit zapped the legal documents with a spell. “And now these won’t get lost and should always be within reach even if they’re on the table. Just think about how you’ll need them, and they’ll be there for ya!” That is… rather smart, Fruit. Why the hay are you more level headed while drunk than when you’re sober? Or are you always like this, but pretend to be stupid to- that is exactly what he’s doing.
Ditzy planted a kiss, which elicited a very quiet growl from Chrysalis, on Fruit’s cheek.
(Fruit’s POV)
Bro, what the fuck am I doing?
(Back to Celestia)
“And make sure you don’t try to drop a chair on your sister as a prank. You could kill her.” Fruit said after ending day court to attend some other meetings.
“Having fun, sister?” I jumped when Luna began to sit down next to me, and watched as Fruit sat in a meeting about budgeting. He was reading something while Mr. Pennywise talked about his budget proposal. Chrysalis and her siblings have long since left his side, but his guard was on standby with a frying pan. “Ah budgeting, you should allow me to just take care of that; I can do it far, far better than most of the ponies at that table.”
“That you could, Lulu, but the snobs would get mad about having to stay up until midnight just to attend a meeting.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Fruit yelled. Both mine and Luna’s eyes widened. “Why the fuck is well over half the budget going into the Royal Vault? Like I get that we need money to fuel this shit, but the Royal Vault is for, well, Royal, personal use. Explain to me why Celestia and Luna, two of the richest ponies in Equestria, need over two million bits for themselves? There’s already six billion bits in the safe! Give the sisters like five hundred thousand, or something, I don’t fucking know! Like put the rest of that shit into stuff like roads, education, literally anything that isn’t just lining up the rulers’ pockets so you can try and win them over!
“Like a fourth of the budget is already going to you dumbfucks, so tell me, how much of this actually goes into making people’s lives better?”
“About ten percent, sir, but-”
“Shut the fuck up. Take half of what’s going into the Royal Vault and put it towards orphans, education, and improving a town’s way of life. Like one month, we take some random town, like Salt Lick, improve something, like the roads, then the next, we move to Ponyville and maybe build something like better water pipes! That town’s whole economy is based on farming, so that would help them out a bit! I also don’t need to hear your dumbass speak if you’re gonna give me papers to read, anyways, you dobbins!”
Every single politician in the room gasped. “You can’t say that!”
“I don’t give a fuck if I can’t say that, since I don’t even know what it means. I’m here to do business, and you’re spending half a fucking hour talking about why sucking up to the Sisters with money would work. What, do you have a fuckin’ crush on Luna and hope you can use her own subjects’ money to woo her? Your entire personality is ‘I take money, spend it on shit, and spend it horribly’ you aren’t gonna woo a fucking potted plant with that shit, Mr. Pennywise.”
“Now, take this budget proposal, which I have just sent a copy to Celestia for review, and know that this will be the budget. Anybody who disagrees with it can take it up with Celly, or be Celestia herself and make changes to it because you’re a princess!” With that, a copy of said budget landed in my hooves and I began to read it:
Education: forty percent.
Adoption and orphanages: twenty percent.
Royal Sisters Suck Off Mony: five percent.
Dumbass politicians' paychecks: five percent.
Architecture and infrastructure: twenty percent.
Extra shit: ten percent.
It was much simpler than an actual budget for a country, but it was something I could modify to make it more robust at a later date. I… never knew so much money was going into mine and Luna’s personal funds. It was based on percentages rather than a fixed number, which helped out in actually budgeting due to taxes varying from year to year. And… Fruit just walked into the Defense and Security meeting.
“Aight, who’s the dumbfuck that’s in charge of this shit? Because I’m going to kick their ass for such a stupid training course! Forty pushups, no weight lifting, a two thousand hoofstep-long sprint, and… that’s it? What the fuck? Bro, where’s the weapon training? How about tactical and field practice? Like dude, how do you know fucked would you all be without the Elements or two goddesses in your country? I could single handedly take down this whole kingdom and-” the new Captain, who was now taking over the guard with Shining armor being stationed in the Crystal Empire, started backing out of the room as Fruit went on his tirade.
Then Fruit’s neck snapped as his head swiveled around to face said captain.
“You aren’t going home, sir. You’re going to sit the fuck down and tell me every little detail on how the Royal Guard is ran. Because during the wedding invasion, several changelings were spying on your fucking predecessor by stealing some armor! No disguise, nothing! Just some royal guard armor, and they could spy on Captain Armor! Be honest and I might not beat you over the head with Celestia’s horseshoe.” Captain Mace nodded before spilling every little detail, with Fruit beating his head into the table upon every ‘dumb idea’ he’s heard.
Fruit threw a chair at the stallion and left, screaming about how Equestria is doomed.
(Fruit’s POV)
You fucking tell me, that the Royal Guard, hires anybody, and then doesn’t train them properly? Like they work out and are then told to spar with each other for six hours! Like bro, a one on one is way different from being shot at by somebody hiding in a bush! You need to teach people strategy! Have them play fucking chess, have them work with essentially nothing out in the wilderness and watch them! Instead they get told to sit on their asses and get told propaganda about how unstoppable your country is.
I walked back into what was essentially a military meeting. “Stop being fucking complacent in where you stand in the world, Captain. Keep changing, keep adapting. If Queen Chrysalis, somebody whose country is going to be a protectorate of your state, can train every single citizen in her Hive to be ready to fight while being more tactically advanced than the military looking over her Hive, then you have a problem. Because if Chryssy wanted to, she could burn this country to the ground while only having two thousand changelings at her disposal!”
I stepped back out and sighed. My magical booze is running out and I’m about ready to slit my wrist.
God this country is so fucked.
Oh great, a meeting on… why is there a meeting about friendship? Fuck it, I opened the door and tossed a brick at whoever I thought was leading it, and left. I need more dandelions.
Off in Celestia’s secret room, she snorted and began to choke on her tea while Luna was laughing her ass off. Many tissues were used.
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This is perfect he is like a brick wall:D
Friendship meeting... oh fuck he beaned twi with a brick didn't he
lol
Yes just yes
I fucking choked on air the thrown brick part
Love your work bud
11480209
probably
Ha! This getting good!
I'm assuming that "Architecture" is actually "infrastructure".
11483284
dont get mad at fruit, he’s illiterate
lol
11480209
I lost it at this part. I wonder if Twi will try to get back at him for this?
lol,this is my favorite chapter so far!
alright alright i fucking love this chapter