How I Slammed my Ass into a Horse’s Face
I took a seat on a stool as I slowly turned pages, waiting for the curtains to pull up. I was finally going to have the first show of my tour! “This is Mob Mumfler,” a robotic, prerecorded voice began to speak while I continued to read the book. “He's twenty years old, and is male.” I flipped a page. “And he looks like the genetic byproduct of a chihuahua and a sunflower. He’s got a big head and a small-“ the voice cut itself off before it could say that last bit. I pretended like I could hear what was said, and looked up from my book.
“Rude.”
“Over the last two years, he isolated himself in the pursuit of comedy, and in doing so, had lost touch with reality. You’re a sack of shit, Mob, you think you know better than everybody in this room, than your parents. You will die in a gas station fire while trying to buy hotdogs out of a 7 Eleven at 4:00AM, and you will deserve it.” Oddly specific way of dying, but okay… why is the entire crowd made of fish? Well, it’s a good audience, they were laughing at the voice I recorded. “Before then, try to tell those stupid jokes of yours, before your time is up.”
“Quite the dream you are having, Fruit Punch, or should I say… Mob,” I blinked a couple times and… now I’m a horse. What? Why did that sound like Princess Luna? “I will admit, your dream is weirder than most, but fairly telling of your desires, Fruit. You just wish to entertain the masses, do you not?” Luna then floated down with an ethereal light, making her look like a god.
“Wait a minute, are you a real Luna, or am I actually having fantasies over a horse?” I thought about it for a second and shrugged. Maybe I’m mentally insane and this dream is a result of that.
“I am the real Luna, if you would like, I can send you a message in the morning, and prove that I am real.”
“Alright, send me a letter in the morning, the secret word is ‘Chicken Nugget,” I said.
“Will do, but for now, let us converse. I heard you scream something about the laws of physics after my sister and I had departed from your home. Are you doing well mentally? Is being stuck in Equestria hurting you a lot more than you’re actually telling us? Because while I cannot guarantee that we can send you home, I will do everything within my power to make you more comfortable with being here. It is the least Tia and I can do for you, since you’re a citizen of Equestria now. And I do owe you for trying to throw you in the dungeons without a fair and just trial.”
“But you were one of the judges,” I pointed out. “And your own lawyer,” I added. “And you were suing me!”
“Well, I wasn’t actually one of the judges. If Celestia is suing somepony, then I take place as her judge. If I am suing, Celestia takes place. It was also during the day, when my sister takes rule over the kingdom, while I rule over the kingdom at night,” Luna explained. Well, that seems a bit more fair now. “But that is besides the point, can I get you a therapist at some point?” Luna asked. She tilted her head, and god dammit, if she weren’t capable of breaking my neck in a heartbeat, then I’d boop that nose of hers. Why fuck were head tilts from a pony adorable?
“So, why this dream?” Princess Luna asked me.
“Oh, y’know, there’s this one comedian that I look up to a lot. This is one of his comedy specials he recorded when he went on tour across the United States. It’s one of my favorite little pieces of comedy that just sticks…” suddenly me and Luna were in the audience. Bo was sitting on stage as the very voice from my dream started to narrate for Bo, and Intro was starting. “Good thing I watched this special a few hundred times,” I chuckled.
“I can tell. This show is still quite vivid in your subconsciousness. It is genuinely like you know this ‘show’ like the tip of your nose.” Anyway, my brain began to show off ‘What’ for Princess Luna, and the Lunar Princess somehow got most of the jokes and even laughed at a couple of them. There were a couple of jokes here and there when I had to explain them to her, such as autotune, the joke about video editors, and a few jokes involving religion such as the ‘From God’s Perspective’ song that happened halfway through the show. After What had finished playing, Luna reclined back in the seat and stretched.
“Well, I will admit, that was something. The letter with the secret word should be at your door now, Fruit.” Wa-
I sat up in my bed and hopped out of my bed, without really thinking, I went through my morning routine, struggled to use a toothbrush, and quickly made breakfast. Well, I tried to, but I ended up eating an apple and a couple slices of bread. It turns out that there was no such thing as a toaster, or a microwave, but there was a stove and oven. Good, I can still make an actual pizza for Celestia, and get Equestria’s take on pizza shoved into the dark ages. Seriously, that shit was good, but it shouldn’t be called pizza.
A knock at my door drew me from my moment of tiredness, sitting at the dinner table while contemplating the meaning of life, and made me remember that I do, in fact, exist. So I I quickly go to open the door, a cross eyed pony was standing at it with a cheery smile that I simply couldn’t ignore(it was fucking adorable!), and was promptly given a letter. The pony waved her goodbye and flew off… after flying into a street lamp and falling flat on her stomach. If it weren’t for the fact that these ponies are hyper intelligent and y’know, people, I woulda kept that pony as a pet. It felt kinda wrong to not bonk a horse on the nose when it’s derping all over the place.
Anyway, the letter was from the crown, or more specifically Princess Luna. I struggled with the envelope for a moment and then a brilliant idea came to mind. You see, I have my pocket knife on me, but I also had a knife built into my skull; my horn! Using the equivalent of what could be described as a head penis, I stabbed the envelope and cut it open. I then pulled a piece of paper out with my mouth and spat it out. “Bleh! Tastes like paper!” I could feel my brain shrink two more sizes down, which was impressive since it was already atom sized, as I read what was on the piece of paper.
In a nice, bright blue crayon were the words ‘Chicken Nugget’ in another sentence about asking what those were.
So that’s cool. The solar system runs off of two ponies, both of which are immortal, both of which rule a kingdom that sees them as gods, and one of them can pop up in your dreams. My eye twitched a couple times after this all ran through my head a couple of times. Seriously, what sort of weird, physics defying, logic defying world have I ended up in? Well, on the bright side, I can now sit in a corner and cry, now that I had a house to do so in. Man, this sounds like a cool idea for a fun book. I proceeded to fill my sink(somehow this place has plumbing) and stick my head in it.
I then proceeded to scream several obscenities before taking my head out of the sink. One calming later, and a slap in the face from a book, and then I studied Pony Psychology until the afternoon. That was one way to ignore the fact that I’m going mentally insane, focus on studying, and hopefully find something interesting. Well, hopefully I can start working on jokes specifically for ponies, and even get some money off of comedy shows. It turned out that ponies had a somewhat similar sense of humor to most people, which was helpful. Stuff like toilet humor, gross out humor(when done right), and many other types of humor worked on ponies.
Even dark humor worked a good amount in small doses. It turned out that ponies had much more sensitive stomachs than people, which made some sense. These were herbivores that lived a mostly peaceful life. Aside from maybe a couple recent incidents, and probably wouldn’t be too into a joke about mass genocide. Meanwhile, humans being the disgusting, vile, and horrible beings that we are, are used to such horrible references. While some jokes were tasteless, humans are usually more accepting of dark humor, and even then, that was a smaller group of people.
By the end of it, I had a couple of jokes written down, such as referencing Celestia’s height, jokes about rich people, and various other jokes. I had a joke poem written out about being the poor, unfortunate bastard that married Celestia because they accidentally booped noses. Here’s a fun joke that I think ponies would like. “So once I was dreaming about dating Princess Luna. turns out, it was actually Luna, and now I’m wearing a collar. Send help.” Well, that just reminded me that Luna can dream hop… god dammit. I started writing jokes to hopefully ignore this, and I just go full circle right into this shit!
I threw my notebook across the room and decided to just go on a walk. I went and grabbed a satchel that goes around my neck and stuck a few bits(gold coins lent from the crown. No loans, just a stipend).
So it turns out, when you are able to walk around Canterlot, the capital of Equestria without a literal goddess next to you, it’s actually quite peaceful. I mean, yeah, everybody who looked like a rich person gave me the stink eye, but besides that, it’s really peaceful. Though a few ponies pointed at me and whispered, probably because they saw me with Princess Celestia yesterday. Maybe it was because I was apparently attractive? I couldn’t tell if Celestia was pulling my leg or not, but if she wasn’t, then apparently I’m ‘pleasant’ in the eyes of a mare. Well, if they start showing signs of interest in me(such as giving me their full attention with their ears and eyes even if I’m not even talking to them. If they do it while talking to them, then they’re just being polite. In other words, full attention from a pony that you don’t know, then they’re checking you out).
“Get back here!” I paused for a second, did I accidentally do something illegal? Is breathing too close to a rich pony a crime now? Probably, I don’t live in Equestria. Oh hey, a couple of guards are chasing somebody that looks a lot like a mugger. Look, you can even see how the butt tattoo has a knife and a gold coin on it! And.. They are running right towards me. On one hand, I can go ahead and trip the mugger, or I can go grab the ingredients for my dad’s pizza to start my business- I fell on my shoulder(on purpose of course), and spun. I felt one of my hindlegs hit something hard and I quickly sat up to hold my now bruised shoulder. Ow, ow, owl. Okay, shoulders are very sensitive. Maybe pony physiology would help me out here, since that would keep me from hurting myself like an idiot.
Oh… I think I kicked a pony by accident, since lying on the floor, with a twitchy leg, laid the guy that looks like a mugger. Well then, that might be another lawsuit on my hands… Cool, I’m just speedrunning the highest amount of lawsuits I can get in a week. It hasn’t even been two days? Two? And I’ve already given two ponies a reason to want to press charges. Luckily, Luna was more understanding once she realized that I didn’t voluntarily try to kill her, the universe did… Considering that pony was stuck on the moon for a millennium, then that must suck. You come home after a thousand years, begin to enjoy life after adapting to modern life down to the language, and then almost get killed by some dumbfuck comedian that can only tell shitty puns.
“And we thought we wouldn’t ever catch you, Money Snatcher,” one of the guards said. Jesus christ, how much did this guy’s parents hate him? You literally can’t be anything else with a name like that! “Thank you for stopping him…”
“Fruit Punch.”
“Mr. Fruit. You see, this bugger’s been running around and causing a ruckus for all of canterlot, stealing bits, wares, food, anything he can get his hooves on. He’s a sneaky bastard too, so thank you for knocking him out with that spin kicking thing. Nice moves by the way…” The guard put on a small, friendly smile for a moment before adopting a more serious expression. “Unfortunately, since you helped my partner, Sharpened Spear, and myself with catching him, we are gonna have to bring you to the castle for questioning with my superior officer. It’s more of a legal thing. This is also to give you the bounty we had on this guy here,” the Guard jabbed a hoof on the unconscious body of Money Snatcher.
“Wat?”
Maybe having a royal guard that could barely catch a mugger isn’t a good idea. That makes it sound like an invasion on her Majesty’s Canterlot would be extremely easy. In fact, if that does happen, then I’m gonna belly laugh and then run and hide in a corner somewhere. I barely even knew how to work my new body, and I don’t know how to use the magic I apparently have, so that’s cool. This is a long, convoluted way of saying if an invasion were to happen in this instance, then I am going to get my ass killed by some sort of vampire-esk race.
Anyhow, now I’m standing outside of an office for the royal guard(teleportation is cool like that), and I was eventually called in.
Sitting at the desk before me, like an angry looking teacher, was a white unicorn that could probably put me in a body bag without looking(can’t say I’ll get killed can I? Ignore the last couple paragraphs, reader. That’s right, I see you). He was pretty fucking bulky, had a blue mane with a… I think there was a magenta streak going through it. I couldn’t see his tail, but it was safe to assume that genetics still existed(yeah right, fuck you, Darwin), and that a tail would be the same color as a horse’s mane. Unless it was all dyed, then I dunno what to say at that point.
Should I be saluting this guy? Probably, I don’t want to risk getting my head kicked off my shoulders and sent across a soccer field like it was nothing. “Leave us,” the pony at the desk said. As soon as the guards obliged with their officer, the unicorn lowered his hoof while still maintaining the serious expression on his face. “So, you’re the pony who caught Money Snatcher?” Jesus, was that guy seriously so bad, that he was brought up to an officer of the Royal Guard? Like bro, what the hell?
“Yep, you got me, Fruit Punch is the name. So, why am I here?”
“Well, I would like to see how you'd fare in a sparring match against one of my trained guards. Since you knocked out a criminal, one that had eluded my guard for almost a year, without asking. If you ask me, I’d say you’re good guard material, so, how about it? I find another unicorn for you to have a sparring match, and let you go at it? From there, you can decide if you want to join the guard or not.” What kind of stupid offer is that? The logic used makes no fucking sense…I’ll get my ass handed to me by somebody who was actually born as a horse? Sounds like something stupid I shouldn’t agree to.
“Yeah, why not. I was just gonna sit on my ass all day, so I might as well.” Mouth, vocal chords, I want you evicted from my body this instant. I coulda just said ‘no’, I could’ve gone back to that one room apartment and keep studying pony psychology to begin writing a comedy show… with my single semester’s worth of comedy classes, I could maybe make something really funny. Hopefully. Actually, I won, because this can be a funny story to tell on stage, and it would be true!
“Why the fuck am I doing this?” I whispered to myself as I stepped into the training grounds, which happened to be underground, which is pretty cool. The walls and ceiling had some crystals? Diamonds? Whatever the fuck it was, embedded into them, and that, combined with the lanterns, made it look really pretty. It was almost like staring up at the night sky in a field. I could go stargazing later, then I can not sleep, and then not get mind fucked by an alicorn!
I was bound up in a leather armor that I couldn’t tie to my body(I need to know how to use magic to do that), so it kinda just hung onto my body, and it was only after I stepped onto the field that I was told that I was wearing it wrong. You damn ponies have the audacity to tell me it’s easy to tie this shit to my back? I don’t have fingers, and my head penis is fucking useless, thank you. My arms, despite their flexibility, are fucking useless. You tell me this is easy? Well you can sit on your high horse and say it’s easy, you equine, assoholic bunch of dickheads.
My opponent, a yellow unicorn with a blue mane, was also bound up in armor… oh! So that’s how you’re supposed to wear armor? Man, I had the leather plate on my back, but it was supposed to go on your chest… okay, maybe I’m an idiot, but how else was I gonna get this shit stuck on my body? I’m not nimble with a pair of hooves. Oh well, in his magic, which was orange, he was holding a wooden sword. You know what? I think I want to get stabbed by that thing…
“Begin!” Wait a second, I wasn’t-
I ducked when a magical beam fired my head, and it narrowly avoided taking my head off. Another came and staggered to the left and barely avoided it. A couple guards, who looked like captains, whispered to the big boss, who I was told was named Shining Armor, as I staggered and dodged another. You know, I’m glad that I had gym class back in highschool, since that meant dodge ball, and this was just as fun,I’m not gonna lie. I easily dodged another bolt, but staggered again. It was moving like a bullet… how the fuck did I see it?
Also thanks for trying to kill me, asshat.
I really wasn’t as graceful as I was when I had the body of a hairless monkey, but I was still able to stay on my hooves, and be kinda nimble. Not really, I was barely staying on my feet, and I wasn’t sure if I should rush or not… oh, the yellow guy was running at me, and was about to swing that sword of his, with his magic. Wait, I could use the Force, Star Wars style, and hold a sword with my magic? Man, that would be awesome if I were able to do anything with my horn.
Anyway, I ducked under the sword, stumbled, and accidentally slammed my back into his throat… and knocked him the fuck out. Damn, two for two. First a robber and then a god damn, trained Royal Guard… Why couldn’t I have won the lottery with this kinda luck? I wouldn’t be in debt to New York City University! Now I kinda feel bad for accidentally body slamming this pony’s neck, but he did try to hit me with a wooden sword. I chuckled and my armor fell off my back.
“You know, when I saw you stagger while dodging, I thought that you were rather new to fighting other magic wielding ponies. But… I think you might have been trying to make yourself weak! You dodged so poorly that you made your opponent think he could get an easy experience against you in a close quarters competition…”
He literally ran at me while holding a sword in his magic, which he could use at any distance. What the fuck are you on about, Captain?
“And then you knocked him out in one fell swoop! You’re in the guard!”
“Wait, don’t I get a say in whether I want to or not? Wasn’t that…”
“Not negotiable after you so easily beat one of my guards… I wanna see those moves of yours again.”
I proceeded to accidentally knock out six guards. Two unicorns, two earth ponies, and a couple pegasi… what the actual fuck is wrong with Equestria’s military? Oh, one of those guards was a fucking captain apparent- okay, I think I need some aspirin. This shit hurts my brain. I actually slammed my head into the ground, when I body checked another earth pony after I tripped over my own left front leg with my right back leg, and hit him in the head with my ass.
That is not a sentence I expected to say.
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Nice ass story
Drunken fist
Funny asf keep up the good work lad
11455511
a lot
Oh, he picked the wrong name for a life without violence...Fruit PUNCH.
If I had a nickel for every story to reference Ol Bean, I’d have two nickels.
Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird it happened twice.
11462882
gotta reference the beans. No Nose Knows slaps though.
11462882
Oookaaay Dr. Doofenshmirtz...
So the mc is super lucky, handsome, and is funny. So much so that he also accidentally seduces the princesses.
The fact that he's supposed to be funny, but actually isn't, makes this a little funny.
I love how he's basically a comedian version of po from Kung Fu Panda
yeah im with the guy here... WTF
Honestly making them all so incompetent is just hilarious as it's not far from canon lol. Even the so-called espionage masters that are Changelings (which you always see being masters of disguise in fanon) are absolute garbage at any kind of spy work in canon. Seems like the only reason any group wins has more to do with everyone else being equally incompetent lol!