Fuck You, Sir Issac Newton
So, one joke about staring at a princess’s younger sister’s ass done. Good job, Mob, you are truly a comedic genius. That joke took me a whole hour to come up with, since Luna’s known as ‘Princess of the Night’ so I figured she owns the moon. I dunno if that’s actually true, but it seems like it’s true. Maybe it’s not, Celestia is called the Princess of the Day, yet she doesn’t raise the sun, or own it. There’s no way you can own a Celestial body, right?
I hope you like shitty puns, journal, I’m here all week.
Speaking of Celestia, she was sitting in front of me on the floor, since I had no furniture besides a bed, sipping on some tea. Whatever the heck it was, I didn’t know, since I didn’t drink any. I’ll just assume it’s green tea, when in doubt, assume it’s green tea. If it’s some fancy shit, then you pretend like you know what it is, and if that doesn’t work then double down. Anyways, I had a cup of air in front of me, since I knew I wouldn’t like the tea.
“So, are you going to pour yourself a cup of tea? Surely you’ll need something to drink during our chat.”
“Nah, I don’t like leaf soup.”
“What?” Celestia’s eye twitched at that.
“You heard me, tea is just leaf soup. If it’s green, pine needle, or even just grass tea, it’s just leaf flavored soup broth. The only thing it’s missing is a packet of noodles for it to soak in… well, it does have a good amount of caffeine in it, but that’s what coffee with a fuck ton of sugar is for. Black coffee tastes like dirt, and leaf soup tastes like sadness.” Another eye twitch from Celestia.
“You know, if I knew you humans had such a terrible take on tea, then I would’ve thrown you in the dungeons by now. You’ve just offended myself and everypony under my rule, and then spat in my tea,” Celestia ruffled her feathers. “And as for coffee, black is the only way for coffee to be enjoyed. Sugar and sweeteners are for the weak, young stallion.” Celestia then promptly sipped on her tea.
Damn, this horse was good at dry sarcasm.
“You’d be surprised at how many people would kick my head off for saying that.” That got the princess to raise an eyebrow. “Like some people take things way too seriously, like which pizza joint is the best, tea vs. coffee, and how one should drink their coffee,” I chuckled. “It’s like people just don’t know when to shut the fuck up about every little detail… actually, I kinda prefer when people yell. Some guy disagreed with a poor fast food employee about how much ketchup should go on a burger.”
“How did the disagreement go?”
“One of them, the employee, ended up not being alive by the end of the interaction.”
“You… humans are quite violent.”
“Some are, some aren’t. I’m sure your horses are the same, some are probably a bit more… reactive than others.”
“You are correct, but nopony has murdered somebody over a couple extra drops of ketchup before.”
“Man, we humans gotta ketchup with you ponies in terms of world peace.” My stomach rumbled a bit and I chuckled. Maybe I shoulda ate food instead of writing in my stupid journal. “You know, me bringing up pizza makes me want to go to grab some. Do you ponies know that is?” I realized how rude that sounded. “Well, if it exists is what I mean. I don’t think it’s wise to piss a pony who has a horn that’s the length of my foreleg. I kinda like not being impaled in the heart for being too rude.”
“Worry not, I get what you were trying to say. I believe there is a pizza shop not too far from here. We can go there if you would like.”
“Whoa Princess, asking me out? That’s a little too soon, don’tcha think?”
“Maybe, but it is safe to assume that we cannot date.” I raised an eyebrow. “You do wish to sleep with my sister, after all, Fruit. You seem to like staring at her rear end after all.” I laughed at that. “Unless you would like to start a harem, I will admit…” Celestia gave a sly look as her eyes moved across my body. “The universe seemed to give you a rather… pleasant stallion body. Very pleasing on the eyes.”
“Oi, quit staring at me, I’m naked!” Celestia snorted as we walked to the door. “Wait, your guards know about the… monkey thing, right?”
“No they do not. They stuck earplugs into their ears when they went to stand post at your door. They know not to listen into my private conversations even if it’s allowed. It’s more of a courtesy thing to not eavesdrop on your princess.” Guess that made sense.
The two of us walked down the street, well, Celestia walked, I had to trot to keep up with her, and so did her guards. Man, I hate tall people. They have an unfair advantage of being able to walk faster by just having long legs. And this fucking horse has that and then some. Like in terms of height, I came up to her shoulder, which would be impressive if we weren’t quadrupeds. I was still pretty short by pony standards, even the guards were taller than me.
Oh and everypony stared at us while whispering to each other.
“Don’t mind my ponies, they tend to spread gossip quite a bit. Chances are, they believe that I have found a date, and are wondering who you are.” Princess Celestia was now wearing a faux, unaware smile that she probably practiced a lot. “Ponies see me as perfect, so if you are in my vicinity too much, ponies will whisper, and assume you are the definition of perfect as well.”
Well, if they want gossip, I might as well help with that. “Yo!” Everybody stopped whispering to each other, and Celestia stopped in her tracks as she noticed I was several paces(in her leg length) behind her. “Yes, I am walking with Princess Celestia. For all you know, I could be her cousin, I could be her date, but I will tell you something really cool about Princess Celestia from the short time I’ve been dating her.” I smirked as I began to bullshit something that sounded interesting.
“She’s actually really short. Under that fur is a pair of stilts.” I then adopted a very serious look. “She’s actually four ponies put together, each working a leg, and then there’s a fifth one stuck in her neck somewhere, making sure it all works properl-“ I was snatched up in a yellow hue. “Oh shoot. Welp, I gave confidential information and breached my contract with Celestia. Now my free trial of life is canceled.”
We rounded a corner into an alleyway, and Celestia leered at me. “What was that?”
“Well, I was originally gonna say that we were dating, but then I started running on autopilot.” I jabbed her with a leg. “C’mon, I know you can lighten up more than that, Sunny.”
Celestia grinned. “I will admit, me being a machine with five different ponies operating it wasn’t too terrible of an idea. But please refrain from doing that in public too often, I do have to uphold an image. Well, actually it would be nice if you did that more often, it’ll anger the nobles if they think I’m dating a clown, so please do that every once in a while.”
“Good thing comedians are the biggest clowns on Earth. We have improv practice, that’s all you need to know about us-“ Suddenly we were in a void and in a flash, we were in… a restaurant of some sort. Celestia didn’t seem to notice my daze, and had gone to order whatever the fuck while I was trying to fgure out what the fuck just happened to me. The guards made an effort to see if I was okay, but I slurred something about how I wasn’t drunk, and that I was just sleepy.
“Hello? Equus to Fruit?” A hoof waved in my face and I blinked a couple times. “I didn't know teleporting would daze you so much, Fruit Punch, so next time I will warn you. Come, I have our food,” Princess Celestia said. I nodded, feeling like I was slightly hungover, and stumbled after the Princess. Maybe I should buy beer. The solution to a hangover is more poisoned grape juice.
Oh right, pizza… What the heck was this? It’s just a cut up pile of uncooked dough, with cheese and other toppings spread over it… this isn’t pizza, this is an abomination. Where’s the sauce? The pepperoni- wait, Papa Johns uses horse meat in their pepperoni. So it’s safe to assume that horses didn’t want to eat each other just for a bit of extra flavor on a cheesy, deep dish pizza.
Celestia took a rather unroyal bite out of her pizza, before wiping at the corners of her mouth with a napkin. “Well, are you going to have a bite? You said that you liked pizza, correct?” Well, I don’t wanna seem rude, Celestia did just spend… however much on this pizza, so I might as well give it a shot. I grabbed a slice with my hoof after wiping it off with a napkin, and Celestia giggled.
“You don’t need to wipe your hooves before eating.”
“Wat?”
“You heard me. Your hooves don’t need wiping unless they are actually covered in dirt or mud. A pony’s stomach can handle quite a bit.”
“Where I’m from, even the slightest germ can get you sick, and maybe even kill you. So don’t mind me.” I took a bite of the ‘pizza’ and chewed it down. Surprisingly, I could still chew like a human, and not fling food every which way, since I don’t think I have complete cheeks. I think I’ve had a mouthful of questions about how different ‘ponies’ are from ‘horses’ since… pony limbs seemed incrediblly flexible given their build.
“Well? How is it?” Celestia asked.
“I’m gonna have to make my dad’s old recipe for pizza… this isn’t pizza. It’s good, really, it is.” That wasn’t a lie, I did like it. “But this isn’t pizza. It’s just a sandwich without the second slice of bread.” To emphasize my point of enjoying it, I wolfed down a couple more slices and sighed. “Well, that’s gonna be my first order of business. I’m gonna sell actual pizza to your ponies, start a monopoly and buy your throne.”
“No you won’t.”
“Yes I will.”
“Not if I tax you first.”
“Fuck, you’re right. Damn you politicians.”
“For that, I’ll tax you at five percent higher than the usual taxes.”
“Well… hey, that pony over there’s staring at your ass.” Celestia’s eyes slowly started to follow my hoof and she tilted her head. “I suppose having the sun on your butt makes people wanna stare at it more. It’s like moths to a flame… wait, do ponies go blind if they stare at your butt for too long? Since your butt’s supposed to represent the sun, or whatever?”
“Well, that would imply my royal behind is so hideous that it could kill a pony.”
We continued to chat about basically nothing, and this horse never ceases to surprise me. I could barely stomach three slices of… this pizza. Meanwhile, Celestia ordered a second pizza after eating the remaining eight slices, ate the whole second pizza, and then ordered three more. The damn sun princess then said she was still feeling peckish and wanted to have the other two for later. Like what the actual hell? This lady’s got the stomach the size of the fucking sun… I think I saw a couple rich people gagging as they watched through a window as all this unfolded.
How the heck is this horse not fat? Well, she probably didn’t just sit on her ass and eat cake all day. That would inquire that she didn’t do anything to run her country, since apparently the woman’s a couple millennium older than the fucking calender system, and she hasn’t even brought her parents up. Mayhaps there is a solid chance that Celestia doesn’t actually exist, and that I’m high off my ass- nope, I’m sober. If I were high, I would probably have woken up this morning inside of a Taco Bell.
Anyway, after a silent walk back home, I opened the door to see a now kinda furnished home? It was still only a single room, but I wasn’t complaining; it was better than my apartment in New York. There was now a basic table with cushions instead of chairs, and another bookshelf lined with books that had textbooks on ‘magic’ and various other things that look like they’ve been picked out to help me learn about Equestria.
Oh that’s a cool piece of furniture on the table… wait, why the fuck is Princess Luna here? She wasn’t sitting on either of the cushions(which were huge), no, she was laying on top of the table, propping her head up with a hoof, facing the doors. “Mr. Fruit, I have been expecting you…” Luna rolled off the table and smoothly landed on the cushion after nearly falling off of it. “So, do you like what we have done to your house?”
“Well, it’s kinda neat… why did you guys go out of your way to make sure I’m taken care of? From housing, to making sure I can eat and stuff. Like I’m grateful, but don’t you guys have a country to run?” I asked. Seriously, what the actual hell? These guys are nicer than Canadians.
“Well, it would be wrong to not make sure you are taken care of. On top of that, this does help you fit in. You’re a unicorn in Canterlot, a city that’s heavily populated by unicorns. So one more showing up and randomly moving in wouldn’t be too out of place. I’m assuming that you don’t wish to reveal your origins, because you are legally obligated not to, and that you’d seem like a maniac if you did.”
Well, at least Luna was blunt.
“On top of that, you, on top of what the Elements of Harmony were doing at the Gala, made it one of the best in recent history,” Luna said.
“But that was the only Gala you’ve come to in recent history. You’ve been on the moon for a millennium, Luna.” Wat. How the fuck was… ponies don’t have rocket ships do they? I’ve yet to even see a television or anything beyond basic electrical lights. Seriously, if Luna was somehow on the moon without any means to get to the moon, then I have to be on some sort of drug.
“Hey, even you said it was pretty entertaining, and you’ve been putting up with that terrible celebration for that millennium.,” Luna paused for a second. “Albeit, you did also admit that seeing a stallion fall from the roof and crushing me wasn’t as entertaining. You were hoping that you were the one he landed on,” she said. Maybe I should walk out, this seems like a sister on sister moment.
“Only because my legs are not made of glass, Luna. If Fruit here had landed on me, his landing wouldn’t have been so rough.” Luna scoffed and the two started having a minor shouting contest about their physical health while I just sat there with a small smile on my face. God why, what the fuck did I do to you to put me in magical pony land? Is it because I made a joke about religion? Maybe it was Satan, that guy seemed like an asshole.
Oh hey, Luna and Celestia just raised the moon and lowered the sun while poking their heads out of one of my windows. Like one moment, the sun was at an apex, it glowed even more yellow, and then a moon shining with dark blue took its place. Wait a fucking moment, what? Luna and Celestia promptly turned back to me. “Welp. Sir Issac Newton can go fuck himself, physics don’t exist. It’s all magic, just pure, magical, pony magic,” I… this isn’t a dream. I felt my nose hurt when I slammed my face into the table, so that’s epic.
“I assume that in your world, you don’t have alicorns raising the sun and moon,” Celestia said.
“No shit, sherlock. I think I’m gonna go lie down.” Both princesses nodded and headed out of my place. Thankfully neither of them particularly noticed how I started to scream into my pillow when I laid down.
I’m going to go insane.
(Luna’s POV)
After my sister and I had left Fruit’s home, I swear I could hear the muffled screaming of Fruit. Something about how science is dead, and how somepony named Albert Einstein is an idiot. Me and my sister shared a glance as we walked away, While our guards had no clue as to what was going on. As they should, being able to witness myself or Celestia raise the sun or moon is an honor to our fellow ponies… well, a thousand years ago it was. And then there was Fruit Punch, going mentally insane over… this.
I’m going to visit Fruit in his dreams tonight.
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Well obviously, Sun here is not a star, its a shining piece of shit, but not a star.
Funny and enjoy able
11451973
what a little satellite
just found this and i FUCKING LOVE IT
I thought comedians were supposed to be funny.
Is it just me, or does anyone else imagine the voice of Typhon DeLeon, from borderlands, for Fruit Punch?
11477384
personally I picture Fruit sounding like a deeper voice, new york accented bo burnham. or a nazily patrick star, but more monotone
New Orleans, Tea, Black, and about a 1/5 ratio ketchup/burger.
Suck it.
Me, laughing in Canadian.
Trust me, Canadians may be polite, but underneath we're just as vindictive as any other country. Some might even call us passive aggressive.
This story does suck a lot.
Rude, unfunny self-insert-like mess, that isn't written too well.
Just being honest with you.
11485184
k
11479947
I mean some people don't call you America's murderous hat for no reason
11599257
Como latinoamericano, ambos gobiernos me parecen un cáncer.