So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

This Isn’t Cannon 3: Pre-Unification!(bonus chapter)

(Old Eloquois has been translated for your pleasure)

Blah, blah, blah. You know the whole spiel, the whole speech about listening to your parents, blah blah blah, in Equestria. Well, here I am, standing amongst a crowd of unicorns who are about to go to war with a bunch of ‘earth ponies’ because why the fuck not. Like, at first I ended up in a crater, got picked up by a crazy guy with a time machine who went by as ‘the Doctor’ for some reason, and got left here.

Doctor who you might be asking? I dunno, I didn’t get his name.

So here I am, marching under a cloudy sky, which looked moments away from raining as hard as possible.

So why are we marching, Red Coat style, towards another wall of ‘earth ponies’ for? Like, aren’t we all horses? Shouldn’t we go ahead and eat grass or some shit! I think I’m high on cocaine right now, because there’s no way this is real. On the other side of our army were the damn earth ponies. They were inferior because they…

One of them was yellow, that could be a legitimate reason to hate somebody, for all we know, being yellow is seen as a crime amongst unicorns.

Anyways, each unicorn in my battallion had a sword or spear held in some glowy shit, while I carried a rock, a short sword, and an ax. Beware voices in my head, the following will be very graphic(not really), involve death, and an idiot who doesn’t know how to work the body of a horse because he was human not even two days ago. Like bro, for all I know, I coulda been in a coma and I’m being forced to fight as soon as I woke up.

Well, I had a helmet, a bronze one, but I had a helmet. Those were pretty cool, even if I looked completely stupid on me.

That’s fucked up.

The earth ponies across from us held swords in their mouths, and their- why the fuck are there ponies with wings flying towards us? Like a whole fucking battalion was flying to our battlefield, making a little triangle of space between us, and they all landed with a loud ‘thud’ as hundreds of sets of hooves made contact with the ground. “This land is ours!” One of the generals of the unicorns shouted.

“Not in a hundred years, you dobbins!” Some earth ponies and pegasi shouted back. Why the fuck are we fighting over a mountain? Then again, people fought over fucking New Mexico, so I guess ponies are equally as dumb as human beings. So, here we are, charging at each other, weapons raised. Well, I stumbled along, because I was holding my weapon with one of my hooves because I can't do that glowy shit yet.

I ducked under an earth pony’s iron cladded hoof, and stabbed him in the skull after fumbling with the sword in my mouth. Like I accidentally threw the fucking thing and it hit him in the face. It killed him dead, and it killed him good, so that’s a bonus. I tripped over his dead body while grabbing my sword and stabbed another earth pony. My ax went flying out of its sheath and hit a pegasus right in the chest.

(Meanwhile)

All of the generals from the earth pony and pegasi tribes watched from afar, mouths hanging, as they watched some lunatic from the unicorn tribe kill many, many of their stallions and mares with seeming ease. The way he effortlessly went from one to the other without being hit-

An ax went flying and hit one of the earth pony generals in the head. “Retreat! The battle is lost!” Another shouted before the psychotic unicorn managed to shoot a couple of arrows into his knees, and he fell on the ground while screaming his lungs out. “Sweet Faust! It hurts! How can anypony be so cruel! At least put me out of my misery, you asshole!”

Sadly, that final blow never came.

(Back with Fruit Punch)

Holy shit, this bow is really cool. Like I found it after yoinking this off one of my dying comrades after I accidentally knee capped him, and might or might not have had to put him out of his misery- nevermind, that wasn’t one of my comrades, that was a pegasus, whose wings I had cut off while hurling random weapons in the air.

Did I mention that I snorted some cocaine laced weed before this? I ain’t exactly thinking straight-

Some white pegasus, wearing golden armor and a pink mane crashed down before me and snorted. She did not look happy, probably because I just murdered her friends- she lunged at me, and I dodged. Sadly the only thing I had was this bow, and no arrows because I used my last two on an earth pony that was just standing on a hill and chatting to his friends(I felt because neither arrow hit him in the head. He called me an asshole, which is fair), so I hit the pegasus on the head with the bow, which knocked her out.

Then it hit me.

I don’t need to murder everybody around me, I can be a nice, friendly unicorn! So what do you do when you just knock a woman unconscious and want to make a good impression? I know!

Kidnap- I mean move the woman to a new location without her consent. Because I am a gentleman that doesn’t hit girls on the head with a bow they found off a dead dude that they just made dead.

I grabbed the pegasus, tossed her on my back, and slowly snuck my way off of the battlefield(nobody wanted to fight me for some reason. And nobody stopped me. I don’t know why. Heck some of my unicorm allies made bird whistles and encouraged me to do some fucked up shit to this pegasus, which I will not mention) and kept on walking in a straight line, towards the mountain we were fighting for.

After wandering around, I found a cave, wandered in, shoved a knife into a bear’s head, who was probably living in said cave, and settled the pegasus on the ground. You see, the way to a woman’s heart is kidnapping her and then trying to enforce stockholm syndrome into them- that’s if you’re a fucking lunatic. You see, I’m mentally ill, but even I know that’s fucked up. So instead of doing that, I’m gonna sit here and wait.

I dropped my backpack, which I stole from one of the ponies I hadn’t decapitated by accident, and found supplies to build a fire, which I threw away(I have a lighter in my ass pocket), and some food. Mainly bread, hay, some apples, a thing labeled ‘the bubonic plague in a bottle’, and some other cool shit. There were gold coins in this bag for some reason, so I’m rich too!

Man, looting dead bodies is so cool! Don’t do it, it’s fucked up.

I say after literally killing ten dozen earth ponies and fifty-seven pegasi. Yes, I did keep track of how many people I killed, I want a good Kill Death Ratio in case I did end up dying on the battlefield.

I need to stop doing drugs.

“Ugh…” the pegasus sat up and shook her head. “I’m… I’m not dead?” She asked, rubbing her eyes when her vision didn’t clear up. After a couple seconds, she blinked and it seemed like her vision cleared up because she started looking around the cave. She gasped at the sight of the bear, which still had my knife stuck in its head, before she slowly turned around. “You…” she snarled.

“Sup,” I took my helmet off and started a fire with my lighter. “Ah fucker!” I burnt myself while trying to use this stupid ficking thing! Stupid hooves, stubby and fingerless. I can’t even pick my fucking nose now! “Uh, sorry about hitting you on the head and kidnapping you. It was either that, or sit next to your unconscious body while we were surrounded by a bunch of… my buddies, I guess.”

The pegasus blinked at my sheer idiocy. “Why didn’t you just kill me?”

“Well, I had a change of heart. Killing people is pretty awful, even by my standards. Granted, I think I executed about fifteen- what was I talking about? Oh right, I killed about a hundred and fifty ponies, but… I don’t think I should keep doing that. When I die, I want God to at least hesitate before he sends me to hell. I don’t think he’ll do that after what I just did, but y’know.”

“And… you let me live?”

“Yeah. Jesus christ, I murdered a hundred and fifty people- what the actual fuck? I know I’m not hallucinating given that I just burnt myself- I actually killed that many people. Fucking hell, I hope Satan is a good roommate, or else I’m gonna have a very not fun time mining indestructible rocks while burning constantly-“

“What the hay are you talking about?”

“I fucking killed people! Excuse me for being regretful! I’m an asshat, but I didn’t think I’d- jesus fuck man, I’m-“ I cleared my throat. I really, really do not want to think about my atrocious crimes. “So, let’s take our armor off. I want it to be clear that we won’t fight while we’re waiting out of the battle. Since I don’t think it's going to end anytime soon.” The pegasus nodded and quickly undid her armor’s straps. Meanwhile, I got my helmet off and started struggling to get my breastplate off.

“Why aren’t you using magic?”

“What the fuck is that? This ain’t some kid’s show where unicorns can magically make stuff happen.”

“A unicorn… that doesn’t know how to use magic?” The pegasus snickered. “Need help, imbecile?”

“Yeah… hey, I’m not an imbecile, I’m an idiot. There’s a clear difference. You see, one word’s shorter and easier to spell, while the other is what smart people use to call people idiots-“ the pegasus snickered as she wandered over, leaving her belt full of weapons behind. Okay cool, she isn’t going to stab me in the back. She undid the straps and my armor hit the floor of the cave with a ‘thump’.

“You know,” the pegasus’s eyes looked me up and down, she leaned to the side to try and get a peek at my sides and rear. “For a unicorn, you aren’t too bad looking.”

“Uh… thanks?” The pegasus nuzzled me. That was a good thing, right? “So, let’s exchange names. I don’t wanna have to call you Wingbutt, Sunbutt, or Pink, Fluffy Bitch all night.”

“My name is Celestia, commander of the pegasi legions.”

“Uh… Fruit Punch, an idiot. Up and coming comedian, psychologist, I was going to school but I ended up getting fucking drafted by my current boss. And like, it’s either I fight or he kills me for an example-“

“Oh my Faust! That sounds horrible!”

“Yeah, not nearly as bad as getting killed because I made some sandwich wrong at McDonalds- actually that was the last thing I did before I ended up in that unicorn camp… Oh well! So, Celestia, what’s it like to fly?”

“Well… it’s nice, I like flying to the highest cloud I can find to just watch the sunset and sunrise. My sister, Luna, who is a general despite being younger than I am, likes to join me and then we spend hours stargazing.” Celestia’s eyes widened. “Luna is going to kill you if she sees you.”

“Meh, not the worst thing that can happen.”

“She’s seen how brutual your fighting style is on the battlefield. It’s why I tried to fight you; I’ve seen it too. She’ll assume you’ve kidnapped me to question me, and she’ll murder you.”

“Aw, you care about me?”

“I’m simply returning the favor. You spared my life, so I am trying to keep you from-“ something crashed down at the mouth of the cave. Celestia sniffed the ears, and her flawlessly white fur somehow got whiter. “Luna, before you-“

I side stepped a dark blue blur, but made no attempt to fight back- “Ah man. You made me drop my bread in the fire!” I grabbed a stick and poke it through the bread and pulled it out of the fire. “Oo, nice, golden and-“

“Why did you kidnap my sister, you unicorn?”

“Would you rather me kill her? Or knock her out and let some other unicorn finish her off? I was gonna let her go in the morning.” I jerked my head towards the mouth of the cave. “It’s raining pretty hard and I’m sure you were just out in that shit for a while. Just sit down, eat some bread, and relax. I won’t do anything if you don’t hurt me. Heck, we might even be friends by the end of tonight.”

“He is quite charming for a unicorn, Lulu. I would personally suggest that we keep him.”

“Well… he is quite handsome looking… Perhaps we shall keep him.” Luna said as she and Celly trotted over to the fire and settled down.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are we talking about kidnapping me?”

“You kidnapped my sister!” Luna said, she blew a raspberry at me.

“I didn’t wanna fucking murder her!”

“But you killed damn near two hundred ponies. I’ve counted.”

“Please do not remind me. I don’t want to think about the fact I killed that many people. That’s something I gotta live with now…” I sighed before breaking apart the bread. “Want some? I dunno if you guys have your own rations on you, but I don’t see any bags on you girls.” I really just don’t want to think about this.

“Is it poisoned?”

“I dunno, it ain’t my bread.” I took a bite of my piece. “Nope, it’s safe even if it’s a bit stale… ain’t a Poptart, but it’ll do.”

Luna and Celestia blinked, before taking the offered pieces of bread. “You are quite the interesting fellow. Why are you being so nice? Were you not a raging berserker a couple of hours ago?”

“Listen. I just don’t wanna fight. I’m a delicate comedian that just wants to put smiles on people’s faces. Not shove knives into said people’s faces. I may suck at being funny, but like, I would still rather have us chatting over having us bicker over ‘my race is better’ or any other shit. We’re all alive, ain’t we? Same sun, same air we breathe, hell, we’re all called ponies, right?

“Like we all live, we all dream, we’ve got differences, but our flaws are who we really are. Like you’ve got wings, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to fly. I’m sure you’ve wondered what it’s like to have a horn, right?” Both mares nodded. “So let’s put our differences aside, chat around the fire, and laugh.”

Celestia was the first to speak. “So, I know you can’t use magic, but what is it like to have a horn?”

“It sucks. Got my horn stuck in a tree a couple days ago and it still hurts. Did you know it’s what we unicorns use to… perform mating rituals with?”

“No…? Is it?”

“I dunno, I’ve never slept with anypony before.” That earned a snort from both mares. “So, how the fuck did you become a general, Luna? Wouldn’t it make more sense to have your older sister be in command?”

“Well, for starters, I am far more tactical on the battlefield compared to my sister. If my sister could have it her way, she would like to sit at home and live a peaceful life of comfort, but sadly our position amongst other pegasi practically demands that we must fight for our kind. Hence her position as commander rather than general; she didn’t try as hard as I did to obtain the title of general because she simply didn’t want it..”

“Wow, that fuckin’ sucks.” I got up and wandered over to Celestia and ‘hmmed’. “So if I were to…” I placed my forehooves on Celestia’s shoulder and began to apply pressure.

“What are you-“ Celestia began to actually pur as I released and reapplied pressure. I dunno if this is doing the intended thing, but I hope this is relaxing. Also, Celestia sounds like a kitten while she purrs, which is adorable. “This feels… nice.” I stopped for a second and Celestia glared at me. “Does that mean stop?”

“Flip over, I’m gonna work the other shoulder.”

“Fine.” I began to massage Celly’s other shoulder and she eventually fell asleep from the pure bliss this was giving her.

The next day, Luna and Celestia had offered me the chance to accompany them on their way back home. So of course I said I would like that. What? These two weren’t too shabby in all honesty-

(Five thousand years later)

“And that is the legend of Fruit Punch, the pony that kick started unification. Any questions in class?” Ms. Cherilee asked.

“Yeah, what happened when he and the Royal Sisters made it back to their village?”

“Nopony knows for sure, Sweetie Bell, why do you ask?”

“Rumor has it that he slept with Luna!”

(Five thousand years ago.”

“So we’ll be entering Cloudsdale Village tomorrow. So we are going to tell you how to behave so you don’t get hurt-“ Celestia squeaked when I booped her on the nose. “What the hay, Fruit?”

“But your nose is very boopable!”

“I know, but please understand what you have-“ I booped Celestia again and Luna giggled.

“What?” I asked.

“Booping a pegasus on the nose results in marriage, you know, Fruit.”

Well shit!

Author's Note:

Fun gamer fact: in the new timeline Fruit made, the Apple Family doesn’t exist. That pony that Fruit shot in the knees was Apple Jack’s earliest ancestor.

Comments

[CasualReader]

Spell check!

For all we know, being yellow is seen as a crime amongst unicormd.

Each unicorn in my battallion had a sword or spear held in sole glowy shit

”My sister, Luna, who is a general despite being younger than I am, likes to join me and then we spemd hours stargazing”

”Want some? I dunno if you guys have your own rarioms on you, but I don’t see any bags on you girls.”

That concludes tonight's spell check, thank you for your attention.

[Ali della Morte]

Love this story

[Nugget27]

11497026
Maybe this is why i haven’t killed off twilight yet. Other than the fact that she is now immune to death

[Hazard Trishula]

More

[Heptameron]

“You kidnapped my siser!” Luna said, she blew a raspberry at me.

sister

missing a t

[Fireeaters]

Nah, I think applejack still exists, but they're all accountants or some shit. I don't think he died