So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Wow, Diamond Tiara’s Mom is a Bitch

How the fuck is there a building made out of cake? Or at least, I think it was made out of cake, I don’t know what the heck it’s made out of. Then again, Pinkie Pie apparently lived here, and given what I saw yesterday, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sugarcube Corner was actually built out of cake batter with extra ‘never rot’ shit in it. That, or Pinkie actually cooked a whole new building together, which would be pretty funny so I’ll believe that actually.

Skitter and Scatter were walking along, Scatter had a cute, simple, little, blue dress, while Skitter was walking in a tuxedo. Both of my guards were looking kinda dapper in their little outfits, which Chrysalis made specifically for them apparently. Just because Chryssy is seen as a goddess amongst her own Hive, it doesn’t mean she can’t try to be a good mother to all two thousand children at once, because that sounded easy. Oh right, Chryssy decided to attend the thing too, mostly because she also had an invite, but had a sense of urgency and was trying to nudge me forward to speed up my leisure(so I didn’t trip) pace.

C’mon Chryssy, we’re only a minute away from the time we’re supposed to be at Sugarcube Corner. No need to panic, there’s only the possibility of upsetting a pony that defies every single sense of logic that I once had.

I stepped up to the cake building and knocked on the door a couple times, to my shock it wasn’t made out of gumdrops, and then walked inside first. It was pitch black in here… it was going to be a fucking surprise party. Grand, I love- “Surprise!” a chorus of ponies jumped out from nowhere, party streamers went flying, and they were all wearing party hats. The changelings all blinked a couple of times, with Skitter and Scatter inching closer to each other to hold each, which they then promptly did. If it weren’t for the fact that they were genuinely scared, I would’ve grabbed a camera and taken a photo. Wait- cameras don’t exist, I think. I dunno since I saw one at the wedding, but I don’t think it was used for anything.

Maybe I didn’t notice said cameras because Chrysalis gave me a bottle of some fancy alcohol, which she stole from Celestia’s cellar, and gave it to me. It turns out that after dating the literal Pony Sun Goddess, it was pretty easy to sneak around her home and steal fancy shit. Anyways, five shots of that shit, and I was out like a light. Well, Chrysalis spent the rest of the evening burping me like I was an infant, and my vision was really blurry.

“So, how do you four like it? Well, the party that is?” Pinkie had dashed up in my face with a huge smile on her face, while I was contemplating if I should’ve shown up or not. The psycho backed away and I finally got a chance to look around the room. There were plenty of games, like apple bobbing, pin the tail, a dunk tank(holy shit I wanna do that), and what looked like Twister for some reason. All the decorations looked like they were hand-hoof made except for the balloons. You know, I never went to college parties because nobody felt sorry enough to adopt me, so this’ll be like one of those.

Except there’s children from the school I was just at today, so that’s going to be cool.

In a heartbeat, the children started to swarm the changelings, who were now trying to get underneath their mother and hide from the onslaught of children, ear piercing voices, and a million questions about what changelings were. It was kinda funny because Chrysalis was staring at the children and her two drones with half lidded eyes while her brain got to work. She very clearly didn’t know what to do, since on one hand, she yells at children, or she yells at her biological children who were scared out of their minds at the moment.

“This looks like a fun party, thanks Pinkie,” I said. What? She might be a psycho, but you know what? If she throws a nice party, I might as well compliment her on the party planning skills. Pinkie made a squeak noise and disappeared into what I could only assume was the second dimension when I noticed one foal who wasn’t assaulting the changelings. It was that Diamond Tiara kid from earlier, and her friend was nowhere to be found. Do I have to be a therapist for every other fucking child in this town? Like Diamond Tiara was just staring at the ground the whole time I’ve seen her.

Welp, time to go see what was wrong with her. I hobbled on over to where Diamond Tiara was standing, which was by the snack table, and she didn’t even notice me at first. “Yo, Diamond Tiara, you in there?” I asked while patting her back.

“H-huh?” The filly blinked a couple of times, snapping her head this way and that, before her gaze landed on me. “What do you want?” She asked.

“Kid, you’ve been staring at the ground for a while now. Something’s up with you, and I’m assuming it’s not something good,” I sat down on my rump beside her. “Are you waiting for Silver Spoon to show up or something?” I asked.

“No, she got dragged off to Fillydelphia for a fashion show her Mom wanted to go to.”

“And… you’ve got nobody else to hang out with?” I asked. Diamond Tiara sighed and her gaze fell back to her forehooves. “Aight then, how about I hang out with you for the rest of the party? I can’t say I’ll be here tomorrow, since I’ve got duties and things to attend to in Canterlot, but I can at least guarantee you won’t be alone tonight,” I patted the poor kid on the back,

“Why do you even want to hang out with me? Didn’t I insult you at show and tell today?”

“Nah, I’ve been called worse than a fraud before. A bunch of racist stuff comes to mind. Plus you’re a kid, I don’t hold grudges against children, and lemme tell you something important: It doesn’t matter what you did, just strive to become something better. Yeah, you might be a bit of a prick, but that can change,” I stood up and jerked my neck towards the rest of the party. “C’mon, let’s go play one of the games, I saw a dunk booth.”

“But won’t the Crusaders get mad at you for hanging out with me?”

“Meh, I don’t usually mind if people hate me a lot. And I don’t care if you bullied a couple people in the past; live in the moment kid. Just enjoy your night, grab a snack, and I’ll let you have a shot at dropping me in that dunk tank over there, eh?” Tiara nodded and trotted beside me through the party room. A few kids from the school gave the poor kid the stink eye, and that made me slightly angry for some reason(even if said children were kinda justified). There was a clear contrast between how this kid behaves in school and outside of school when she’s alone, so something behind the scenes clearly isn’t alright. Well, I’ll have more time to question that if I ever come back to Ponyville. Might as well start now too, I guess.

“So, what’s it like when Silver Spoon’s around?” I asked.

“She usually just… follows me around and doesn’t say a lot,” Diamond Tiara said. “Like we used to talk, chat, and play all the time because our parents were friends. Then we got a bit older and started going to school and it was just me and Silver. I… I wanted to make more friends, but my Mom would get mad at me for dealing with the ‘peasants’ as she calls it.”

“And so you act the way you do at school?” I asked. A simple nod was all I got. “Well, ain’t that just a kick in the teeth, eh? I kinda get where you’re coming from, though,” I magicked over a cup of fruit punch as we waited in line for the dunk booth.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Having terrible parents, or just a terrible mom, really. Your parents really screwed up with raising you eh? You can’t go make friends unless you’re making friends with other rich kids,” I took a deep breath and shook my head. “My parents wouldn’t let me have any fun growing up, they made sure I was always studying so I could become a doctor. It got so bad that if I even got a slightly bad grade, I’d get beaten with a shoe. So you can imagine how I felt when my parents basically disowned me for trying to be a comedian.” Diamond blinked a couple times, and I figure we should hop to a more fun topic.

We’re here for terrible comedic purposes, not terrible character writing, Nugget.

Oh look, we were next in line. “Let’s just ignore this sad topic for now though, and enjoy ourselves, eh?” Pinkie, who was sitting in the dunk tank was giving a spiel about how fun said dunk tank was. “Yo Pinkie, as the guest of honor, can I make a request?” Pinkie nodded from within the tank. “Can I take your place while Diamond takes her turn?” Before I could blink, I was sitting in the seat within the duct tape, while Pinkie handed a ball to Diamond Tiara.

Oh hey, there’s a second Pinkie playing that Twister looking game. And a third playing some other shit. And a fourth making refills at the snack table- what the fuck. Were those Changelings or am I on crack? Like what kind of interdimensional being is Pinkie Pie? She might as well be omnipotent at this rate- she probably is actually. I shouldn’t question what that pink fuck is capable of. For all I know, she could be the reason why Equestria is revered as the strongest country in the planet.

Oh hey Chrysalis and her drones were finally freed from the horde of children, and seemed to actually be enjoying themselves. Scatter managed to find a chunk of rock candy at the snack table, Skitter snuck off with the entire bowl of fruit punch after pouring a cup, and Chrysalis had bent her knees and started swaying side to side on the dance floor; the same dance we did during the wedding reception. She had that same look on her face while doing it too and it was funny-

Oh god this water is cold! My head surfaced from the murder liquid and turned back over to Diamond Tiara who was now laughing. Aw, look at that! When she isn’t making fun of somebody or being sad, she is genuinely adorable. After hearing Tiara’s parents are apparently like, I genuinely wanna take her home, and then me and Chryssy can take care of her. What does a college student know about raising a kid? Nothing, but I won’t get on a kid’s ass for making friends with somebody who isn’t wealthy.

I climbed out of the tank with the help of Pinkie, who had been nice enough to give me a large towel so I could dry off. Diamond Tiara trotted over to me, still smirking. “The face you made when you hit the water was priceless!” She wheezed before breaking into laughter again. “And then you sounded like a filly when you landed in the water!” She wheezed again before wiping the tears out of her eyes.

“So you’re feeling better about tonight, right?” I asked, while chucking at the mental image of what my face might have looked like.

“Yeah! This is way better than I thought-“

“Diamond Tiara, what are you doing with that filth?” A mare was stomping her way over, and she looked incredibly pissed off. Her coat was tannish, she wore some sort of shirt thing, and just looked like an asshole. Wow, I made a mistake with jokingly saying I fucked this bitch last night; a pile of poop would make for a better wife than this bitch. God have mercy on the poor bastard that had to sleep with her. Oh fuck, her perfume made her smell like the inside of a panda’s butt.

Don’t ask, I know from experience.

“Why aren’t you with Silver Spoon, and instead spending your evening with this wretched stallion? You aren’t even dressed for this party-“

“I’m gonna stop you right there, you dickhead. That is not how you speak to your daughter in any capacity, lady. You don’t just berate your child, especially in public like you are right now. All you’re doing is making her hate you, and then you’ll wonder why she doesn’t talk to you when she’s grown up. Like stop being a cunt for a few minutes and let your kid have fun; she already struggles with the terrible mindset you force on her.”

“And what makes you think you’d be able to raise her better than me? I bet you just got out of school and working a dead end job-“

“Actually, I’m in kahoots with royalty back in Canterlot. You know, working for the government, making sure the annexation of the Changeling Hive goes over smoothly, that sort of shit. As for raising children, I can safely say I would be better than you at it. I mean, I might not have experience with raising a kid, but I do have a brain and a moral compass. You don’t berate your kid in public like you just were.

“Sure you can correct them when they do something stupid, but you’re literally yelling at your kid for not putting a dress on for a party like this,” I gestured to the rest of the party. “This ain’t some shit where you’ve gotta dress nice. Like seriously, I feel bad for the guy that’s married to you, because you’re a fuckin’ cunt. Like jesus christ, I think your husband would rather fuck a log than fuck you-“

“Ah! He’s hurting me!” Oh great, this trump card. Everybody all turned to me and Tiara’s mom, and started eyeballing me specifically.

“What? I’m just drying off after I got dunked on by her kid. That was funny by the way,” I said, giving a smirk to Diamond Tiara. “Haven’t moved a hoof since I got out of the tank, by the way…” I pat Tiara on the back. “Celestia have mercy on you and your father, your mom’s a psychotic asshole,” I whispered. Tiara gave me a blank stare, like I had just said something very obvious.

“No! He just punched me, look!” She pointed at her eye, which didn’t even look black or anything. Oh c’mon lady, do better than that.

“I am so sorry about my wife,” a stallion, who was dressed in a very nice suit trotted over. “She can be… a bit much,” he grabbed said wife. “My child hasn’t been any trouble to you, has she?”

“Oh no, Tiara’s been an angel tonight. She’s pretty sweet once you get past… the exterior,” I shrugged before my ears flattened. “And uh… sorry about you know, having her as a wife,” I almost choked at the thought.

“She’s not that bad once you get used to her,” oh you poor bastard. Run away while you can you dumbass! Your wife’s gonna kill you and steal all your money in a week if you aren’t careful.

“Rich, aren’t you going to-“

“He didn’t even raise a hoof, my dear,” Rich said as he led his wife out of the building. Everybody in the room just watched as the wealthy couple made their way out, before going on as if nothing happened. Mayhaps Ponyville was used to that woman’s antics, which is why I haven’t been pinned down and beaten for ‘hitting’ a mare.

“Man, that must suck.”

“What?” Diamond Tiara asked.

“I’m gonna assume that Rich is short for Richard. Dick is also short for Richard, and somehow your mother is more of a dick than the guy that can be dubbed as ‘dick.’” Tiara snickered before promtply giving me a hug, before grabbing one of my hooves in her mouth. Huh, now she’s acting like any excitable kid I’ve met. Man, how stressful is it to have a mom like that in the same room as you?

Very.

“C’mon,” her voice was muffled because of y’know, the hoof in her mouth. “You can introduce me to that Changeling Queen, I’ve been dying to meet her!”

“You could’ve met her earlier with all the other children.”

“But then she would’ve focused on everybody but me!” She said as she dragged me over to Chrysalis, who was still dancing in that weird knee bending thing. It was like the whole ‘he hit me’ thing never happened in the Queen’s eyes. She seemed fully intent on doing this dance and my two guards joined her. Oh, along with two more changelings for some reason, which was pretty neat. Chrysalis’s eyes snapped to me, she stopped her dance, but her backup dancers hadn’t.

“Ah Fruit, are you coming to join me for a dance?” Her eyes then trailed down to the filly that had dragged me over here. “Oh I see,” Chrysalis then knelt down and squealed. “Oh you are adorable! I can’t wait to gobble you up!” Diamond Tiara then blinked as Chrysalis snatched the little filly up and hugged the daylights out of her. Surprisingly, Chryssy had a lot of control, since she wasn’t squeezing the shit out of the poor filly like I expected.

“So Fruit, how did you get this filly, and can we keep her?”

“She was sulking by the snack table, so I had a chat with her. Then I stuck by her since and kept her company…” I chuckled. “Her mother is partially to blame for why Tiara acts the way she does at school, so like, that’s cool.” Chrysalis then stopped before she let out a sharp growl.

“Ah, a horrible parent? It is a pity that murder would make the integration of my Hive into Equestria much more complicated.”

“Do you mean you’d kill my Mom?” Diamond asked. Her voice raised a slight octave at that.

“Maybe, since she seems to be mistreating you; I’ve seen her start yelling at you from here…” Chrysalis pausrd before shrugging. “So, is there anything you would like to ask me or one of my drones?” Chrysalis asked.

“You guys can transform, right-“ she yelped when Chrysalis suddenly turned into her mother.

“I’m a whore!” Diamond Tiara and I snorted at Chrysalis’s impression of the filly’s mother.

“Hey, why are you hanging out with Diamond Tiara?” An accented voice- oh, nevermind, it’s Apple Bloom.

“She was lonely,” I said before shrugging. I then smirked. “Say Chryssy, wanna teach these kids how to dance like a Changeling?” Chrysalis then transformed back to her natural form and smiled with glee. I think that’s a yes. Within ten minutes we had a whole crowd bending their knees and swaying side to side. Most of which were foals, who were struggling to keep up with the speed that the Changelings were doing purely due to their physiology.

Changeling knees could bend in ways pony knees simply can’t.

I was the best pony dancing as a Changeling. That was until Chrysalis turned into her unicorn form and swept me up as soon as the slow dance music started.

Oh hey, the Crusaders and Tiara were actually chatting and getting along!

Off in the distance, Filthy Rich was off looking for a log to sleep with; his wife wouldn’t shut up and it was hurting his eardrums(and his brain).

Author's Note:

well, this exists now. wut up?

Comments

[Advisability]

Praise the Stickbug!

[DingoAte]

11470513
Y E S

[Killjoy1221]

I just realized how Chrysalis is dancing.

derpicdn.net/img/view/2020/8/10/2419723__safe_artist-colon-2snacks_princess+cadance_princess+flurry+heart_queen+chrysalis_alicorn_changeling_changeling+queen_pony_animated_crystal+castle_danci.gif

[3-tap]

Off in the distance, Filthy Rich was off looking for a log to sleep with; his wife wouldn’t shut up and it was hurting his eardrums(and his brain).

Get this stallion a pint, he certainly seems to need it

[Fireeaters]

So, I guess DT wasn't that insulted by his little song.

[Amos Anon]

Don’t ask, I know from experience.

I kinda wanna know now.

[TundraicMagnus]

11482565
Man's on some Bert Kresner type stuff

[SoulstringsReburn]

“She usually just… follows me around and doesn’t say a lot,” Diamond Tiara said. “Like we used to talk, chat, and play all the time because our parents were friends. Then we got a bit older and started going to school and it was just me and Silver. I… I wanted to make more friends, but my Mom would get mad at me for dealing with the ‘peasants’ as she calls it.”

I was wrong

[TwistedSpring]

11470777
I wasn't sure, thanks for clarifying!