So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

All Aboard to the Crystal Empire

“C’mon Fruit, we will miss the train if you’re any slower,” Chrysalis picked me up and into the air with her magic… well, carried me along. Well sorry, Chryssy, it only turns out that I’m below the average height of stallions and have short legs. You have long legs and your drones can just hover along with their wings. Just ignore the fact that your drones are actually walking at your pace.

You fucking stick bug.

“Why are we even leaving at the crack of dawn? Didn’t Celly say she’d meet us on the train?” I asked.

“Fortunately for you, she is, but it’s because Celestia and Luna want to check out the Crystal Empire. So it’s a meeting with a bit of deviation from what was planned. In other words, you are coming along for the ride, Fruit. Before you even ask, yes you have to come, and yes it’s for actual ambassador work,” Chrysalis chuckled as I pouted. “Now don’t give me that look, You’ll get to explore the Crystal Empire before all the political stuff that you don’t like.”

“Chryssy, you just wanna bring me along because you want your ‘favorite stallion’ nearby. Don’t even try to lie, since you can easily handle all the political stuff on your own.”

“I can, but do I wish to? Well, maybe if I have a nice, small stallion to hold in my forelegs throughout the long, dull meetings.” Great, I’m literally Chryssy’s emotional support animal. Well, on the bright side, the Crystal Empire sounds cool and hopefully isn’t what I think it is. What? There are different types of crystals; sugar, ice, meth. Actually, I hope that it is what I think it is. I want to know if I can get a hold of some meth.

Then coming back to Ponyville won’t be so bad.

Actually, I hope I can come back on occasion and check in on how Diamond Tiara’s doing, since I guess we’re friends? I mean, the kid wasn’t too bad once you get past the rough exterior of the filly’s personality. Literally just a kid that’s lonely and can’t make friends because of how shitty her mother is. Also the Crusaders weren’t too bad if you ignored the fact that they literally dragged me throughout town by the ankles.

I think that gave me a mild concussion by the way. I probably should’ve gotten that checked out.

We took the first step out of the motel we were staying in, which was honestly nice given that it was apparently just forty bits a night to stay in. I mean, I didn’t spend a bit since Chrysalis was rich, but it was still kinda neat. Oh great, now I feel like I’m mooching off of Chryssy, even if the Queen has no qualms with lending me money for one reason or another. My eyes slowly drifted to my hooves as me and Chryssy made our way down to the motel office to return our room’s key.

“Does something plague your mind, Fruit?” Fuck, forgot that Chryssy could do that. She just… Well, she can sense whatever I feel, and sometimes feed off the positive emotions.

“Don’t you get mad, at least annoyed, that I pretty much live off your dime? Almost all of the food in my home is a result of you giving me money for it. Heck, just these last three days, I was living off your dime, and I feel kinda bad for it. You give me so much and all I can do is tell a shitty joke and let you drool on me while you’re sleeping.”

“Fruit, you do understand that I would rather let you borrow money from me than to let you live off the miniscule paycheck you receive every month from the crown, correct? I don’t mind giving you money for food in the slightest and it was cheaper to get one hotel room for you, myself, and your guards than to buy two separate rooms for us. Besides,” Chrysalis pulled yet another wallet full of bits. “I’ve accumulated plenty of bits over my lifetime, especially after so many missions to gather love for my drones.

“And I usually spend my bits on those I love, as I have no use for them in the Hive. Yes, I would like to splurge and purchase a few crossword puzzles, but those can always wait for later. Meanwhile, I can spend bits on you to make sure you’re well fed, and then I get to keep you!” Chrysalis chuckled. “So in a sense, it is merely to keep you alive, but because I would also like to see you happy. Just know that each time I give you money for food, it’s so I can rest easy knowing that you aren’t spending a night with an empty stomach… and it’s a mutual exchange. I basically feed you, and you provide me with love, so no, I do not mind giving you money for food.”

Wow Chryssy, way to make me love you even more than I did yesterday. Like seriously, I’m used to sleeping on an empty stomach, since I’m(well, was) a college student, and on occasion, went a day or two without any food because I ran out of ramen to make. Without a thought, I hugged Chrysalis after we dropped the key off. It was a tiny bit awkward because Chrysalis was way taller than me, but I did hug her. It made the bug lady freeze up for a moment before she returned it with a kiss on the forehead.

What if we were to actually start dating? I mean, for me it would be a tiny bit weird, but I’m sure I can try and look past the fact that I, somebody who was once human, and maybe even see past Chryssy being a bug horse. Then this could become a shitty romance comedy! Seriously though, if we were to actually start dating, it would be a bit weird. Can’t wait for some god to make me say otherwise!

As we made our way to the train station, I noted that the Elements and a few other ponies were gathered at it. Their gazes snapped to me and Chryssy, I could only assume that said ponies were here to see us off. Wait, where the fuck were Skitter and Scatter? Like I haven’t seen them since last night-

“Were you missing us, sir?” Skitter and Scatter said in unison while hanging from a tree. Well, they swung right in front of me, and had their back hooves, which I now noticed were clawed, to hang from a tree branch. They were hanging like bats. I let out a very manly scream when I got jumpscared, thank you. Don’t you dare laugh, I’m a big boy that doesn’t get scared easily… Well, aside from all the other times I got scared of something.

“Where the heck-“

“We were just making sure that the train was actually scheduled for the morning, and relayed the information to Queen Chrysalis via the Hive mind,” Scatter said. Well, that made some sense, but jeez were my guards alert. Was that the right word? They were just always on something, like with how they got pizza cooking down to the nanosecond, and even knew to confirm the train schedule before Chryssy or myself even woke up.

It was really cool and I wish I had a Changeling’s work ethic.

Pinkie Pie was crying her eyes out at a rate that would completely dehydrate any being that’s following by logic. All the elements were there actually, with Apple Jack being tied to a chair(who looked like she wanted to scalp me), they were all waving at me and Chryssy as we got closer and closer to the train system. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were also here and all three of them promptly tackled me to the ground with a hug. “Thank you for your advice on getting cutie marks!” They said in unison.

“Wat?” Oh right, I gave them a whole spiel on how to get a cutie mark, which really was just me giving them a lecture on why they wouldn’t get the sacred butt tattoos with how they were going at things. So I guess it was genuine advice even if I didn’t know why the fuck they were thanking me for it. I am a really shitty, undertrained therapist, not some tattoo guru. Luckily the crusaders got off of me and apologized for giving me some more physical trauma and ran off to do whatever the fuck they were gonna do.

Oh look, Diamond Tiara and her Dad, who looked a tiny bit stoned, were standing amongst the group of ponies and… oh look, I’m being pinned to the ground by another child! That’s pretty cool if you asked me, since that meant children should just be the new thing in America’s self defense system. Especially when said children are colorful ponies that don’t know their own strength yet. “Will you come back some day?” Diamond Tiara asked. Her father chuckled before helping me free from the filly’s grasp.

“Yeah, give me a month or two, and I’ll come down here to get assaulted by you again.” Man, I couldn’t help but smirk when the filly let out a cheer. I shook myself and… low and behold, being knocked into the dirt twice in a row can make you nice and… dirty.

I know, I’m a comedic genius.

“I don’t think I’ve seen a pony leave such an imprint on my daughter in quite some time,” the stallion placed a hoof on my shoulder. “Next time you’re in town, hit me up, and we’ll grab a cup of cider. I’d love to chat with you,” he said. Oh great, I earned another man’s respect by standing in as a babysitter and therapist for his kid, which was kinda weird to say now that you think about it.

Wait, this place has apple cider?

Okay, I’m coming back here in a week to buy sixteen jugs of the stuff, I haven’t had any of that shit since I was ten! “Alrighty, I’ll see you soon then…”

“Filthy Rich,” the stallion introduced himself.

“Rich right? I assume you prefer being called Rich,” I guessed. The stallion smirked and patted me on the back. Also a very nice, descriptive name, since this guy was probably the wealthiest pony in all of Ponyville.

“Yep, you’re a good stallion, my friend!” Before anybody else could say their piece, I could see Chrysalis starting to get a bit jealous over how everyone was stealing my attention and… she swiped me up with her magic and dragged me into the train car.

“Now that all of that is taken care of, I get you to my-” Chrysalis’s eye twitched when she turned around. You see, she let me go as soon as we entered the train car, and now I have Scatter lying on her back and was now giving her a belly rub. My guard was in complete bliss, since apparently this was just a thing Changelings were very into. Or maybe it was the human touch; our hands(and I guess hooves) are great for petting literally anything apparently. “Why don’t you ever treat me like that? I would like to be groomed and pampered like that!” Chrysalis pouted.

Skitter had managed to stuff himself in one of the overhead luggage storage boxes, and poked his little nose out to keep an eye on where I was and what I was doing. Chrysalis seemed to have gotten over her jealousy, since now my attention was being diverted to one of her drones, so she was more contempt with how things were going now.

The door at the end of the train cart opened up and Celestia and Luna came in. The former had hunched over to enter, less she bumped her head(or worse, her horn) against the door before extending back to her full height. The two were conversing until Luna put an abrupt end to it and rushed over to where I was sitting. “Fruit! We have not seen you in ages!”

“back with ‘ye olden’ talk, Luna?” I chuckled.

“Sorry, I just got a bit excited, since I rarely get to see you. Our sleep schedules are completely in contrast to each other, thanks to my nightly duties. How was Ponyville? I was asked by Twilight to make an appearance for Nightmare Night, so I would like to know.” Luna gained a much more ‘professional’ demeanor while her sister began to idly chat with Chrysalis.

“Oh it’s pretty cool, I guess. Wait, weren’t you at the show and tell in the schoolhouse a couple of days ago?”

“I teleported from Canterlot to the school house. I didn’t get to see much of Ponyville beyond the inside of that school building.”

“Well, I didn’t go outside much either. I got dragged through town by three fillies, got hounded with questions about Changelings, and then went to a party. I’d say it’s a pretty fun place, but also filled with psychos. Apple Jack wants to skin me for some reason, Rarity damn near sewed me to the floor for not wanting a suit, and Pinkie Pie breaks every form of logic possible. Like more so than you and Celly being able to raise and lower celestial bodies.”

“Well, aren’t you a fountain of information?” Luna even adopted an accent that sounded very familiar… how the fuck do these ponies know what Brits sound like?

“Yo, what’s with the British slang?” I asked.

“British? That was my Pegland accent,” Luna made an obviously fake scoff before her eyes slowly drifted to the changeling leaning on my shoulder. “I did not know that Changelings were…” Scatter twitched a leg, her eyes were closed, and she was snoring. Why did I let her do this? Well, it’s not like I can really fight back; most changelings(and especially my guards) were stronger than I was pound for pound.

Also do you think I, a human, have the heart to say ‘no’ to a bug horse that wants to use me as a pillow? Look at the Changeling that’s drooling on my shoulder before questioning why I don’t just move my guard slightly, so she would be leaning on the window. When a changeling can do better puppy eyes than actual puppies, you know that I can’t say ‘no’ to them. It’s why Chrysalis could actually swindle me and I wouldn’t notice. “It surprised me too, but Changelings are big, workaholic goofballs.” Luna’s face scrunched up in thought.

Maybe she was going to adopt a Changeling, who knows?

And maybe Chrysalis taught Celestia how to swindle ponies as well; they did date in the past.

Anyhow, everybody in the train, after some catching up, went to their own devices. Chrysalis managed to drag a sleeping Skitter out from the luggage compartment, and was now holding him. Luna was reading a book while Celly read what looked like a bunch of legal documents, and I was stuck with a drooling Scatter on my shoulder. You know, it’s kinda hard to stay awake when…

(Chrysalis’s POV)

I watched as Fruit Punch slumped over in his seat, with Scatter, one of my more fierce guards, using him as a head rest. It was kind of adorable that Fruit managed to make the guards, that I appointed to him, comfortable around him. It was to a point where now Skitter and Scatter didn’t even notice they were on duty with Fruit, and ended up just doing stuff like this.

Yes, they know they should keep Fruit safe, but Fruit just has this way of making you relax around him. It’s why I didn’t actually kidnap Lovebutt before her wedding; Fruit made me lose track of time and also fed me with enough love, which was really just friendship, that I was perfectly fine with foregoing kidnapping a princess. Also, marrying Shining Armor would be horrible, since he is as dense as a piece of hardened, dead, carapace.

And somehow probably dumber than that.

I stifled a giggle and moved Fruit into a more comfortable position with my magic. I don’t want my prey to be complaining about neck problems, do I?

“You know, you should make a move on him already, Chrysalis,” my eyes snapped to Celestia. Her eyes looked glued to what looked like a budget, but I could tell she was giving me a ‘look’. The same kind of look that made me want to do something for her. She learnt that really quickly when we started dating oh so long ago. “I can tell that you actually enjoy that stallion’s company, and he’s a hunk.”

“He’s not into me,” I deadpanned.

“He’s into stallions?”

“No, I know what he is, Tia. His mind cannot possibly find anything such as myself, or even anything remotely pony-shaped attractive. I know he loves how I act and behave, but I doubt my looks are what is winning him over,” I gestured at Luna, who had looked up from her book. “Also, I know you got on me for how I like to be mistreated by my significant other. Especially in bed,” I chuckled. “But Luna has a crush on the same stallion that crushed her at the start of this year. She might like it if Fruit were to slap her a few times.”

“I have not a crush on Fruit!” Luna said in her Canterlot Royal Voice. Both of my ambassador’s guards shot up at the sudden change in the room’s volume, and Fruit’s eyes snapped open. With that, the moon princess turned into a shade of dark purple as she blushed. Well, that’s a shame, Lulu, if you didn’t default to that for whatever reason, then-

“Crush on who now?” Fruit asked before slowly turning to Luna while rubbing the sides of his head. “Oh fuck! Time for that contingency plan!” What? Fruit then dashed over to the opposite side of the train car and tried to roll the window up, only to fall short. “Well shit, I can’t jump out the window,” he looked over the thing for a moment, and I could tell that he contemplated breaking the window with his face. In fact, I knew that was what he was thinking since he banged his head against the window, yelped, and rubbed his head for a bit.

“Fuck it, this is an easier solution,” Fruit pulled out a can of something very alcoholic(to the point where me and the two alicorns could smell it and get tipsy), and downed the whole thing. He flopped to the ground and remained like that for the rest of the trip… if I hadn’t picked him up and started holding him like I usually do.

“How… did he fit a can of beer in his cutie mark pocket?” Celestia asked. I shrugged and began to rummage through said pocket and found a few interesting things. One was a small, comprehensive guide on ‘how to make a pipe bomb’, a book on ‘basic and moderate magic’, and lastly an equation for a spell that expands the inside of any form of storage. That last thing would explain… When did Fruit find the time to learn how magic equations work?

There was even a magic equation that made alcoholic drinks more potent... one that I haven’t seen before; this stallion might have come up with came up with a magical spell. Fruit’s gonna be throwing up a lot later. “Celestia, have you ever seen this magical equation before?” I handed the piece of paper to my ex, and she gave it a look over. She tilted her head, raised an eyebrow, and began to eye Fruit.

“Oh my... that is rather simple, but it seems to of done the job exceedingly well; I’ve seen spells be used on food to bring out more flavour in said food. and those tend to be quite a bit complicated, especially for the novice user. Yet Fruit has done something similar in a very simple way.”

Impressive, Fruit, I was not expecting that. I stuck my hoof in the stallion’s ‘butt tattoo pocket’ as he would call it... and I found something incredible.

I had Fruit’s diary.

“Oohoohoo, let’s read it!” Luna squealed.

“But it’s a breach of privacy,” Celestia said before tapping her chin. “Let’s do it.”

Skitter and Scatter hovered over to me and started to peek over my shoulder as I began to read aloud.

Comments

[DingoAte]

Skitter and Scatter hovered over to me and started peeking over my shoulder as I began to read aloud.

This is a very good way to find a pipe bomb in your luggage:D

[Fireeaters]

Lmao

[Fireeaters]

He's probably smart for not carrying sharpies in his butt pocket

[silvadel]

11472549

Or a way to have the human find out if a changeling can get drunk on love given the proper enchantments. I could see fruit making love alcoholic as part lark, part revenge, part just to see what kind of drunk changelings are.

[Nugget27]

11473059
you never know, fruit is a human, and humans love terrorism