So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

This Isn’t Cannon 4: I Got Kidnapped by a Nugget(Bonus Chapter)

So some weird fucking dumbass who goes by ‘Nugget’ kidnapped me and stuck me in a black room with a bunch of couches. That wasn’t the weirdest part was that he was an actual chicken nugget. “So, all of you might be wondering why I brought you here,” Nugget said, pulling out a really shitty iPod Touch with a broken screen. “So I’ve been using this stupid little thing to create your lives. You guys won’t remember any of this by the time it’s over, so I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I created this world for you all to live in.

“I made Fruit, I made the Chryssy that doesn’t get put in stone, I created everything for people to read at their own pleasure or displeasure. And those people have quite a few things to say about you guys! Some questions, some weird remarks, some insults. So, I want you all to answer them, and if you don’t, I’ll kick your asses. Mkay?” I was set next to Chrysalis, who looked just as confused as I was.

“So our first question comes from PuzzleMaster98, and this is for Princess Luna, Fruit Punch, and Queen Chrysalis. ‘Dude, Chrysalis X Luna X Fruit Punch is awesome! I ship it!! Hope it happens’. Any comments or replies?”

“Uh… I am not going to start a harem anytime soon. Chryssy is the only mare for me, and only her. Albeit, my tune would be different if I were dating Luna, but-”

“You do know that it is common practice for mares to share stallions, correct Fruit? If we wanted to, Luna and I would share you both in bed.”

“How would that work? Do we make a train and shove our horns in each other's rear ends?”

“That would… be a terrible idea, Fruit. For starters, that would hurt among other things.” Luna chuckled. “I won’t go into details, but essentially Chrysalis and I would be taking turns with you.”

Oh. Well then, I definitely won’t start a threesome with these two. Again, Chrysalis is mine, and I’m hers. Chrysalis isn’t too keen on sharing either.

“Next, from Ezekiel Namuh, we have ‘That Pizza scene was incredible’ in reference to Fruit introducing pizza to two princesses, and six of the Elements of Harmony. Any comments?”

“Well, it was quite the delicious dish. I quite enjoyed it,” Celestia chuckled. “I especially loved the peppers Fruit used.”

“I… may have lost my self control when I took my first bite, I will admit.” Cadence answered. “You’ve got to show me how to-”

“Ah, family recipe, Cady. Can’t spill the beans.” And Cadence dragged her hoof across her throat- great, she’s gonna kill me.

Nugget coughed. “Moving on, Chrysalis and Fruit, this is from PuzzleMaster98 once more. How do you feel about having kids together?”

“Uh… it would be kinda weird for me, personally. Since technically the entirety of Chryssy’s Hive are her kids, so I would be like a stepdad of some sort.”

“I would love to have more children, Fruit,” Chryssy answered. “But if you do not wish to mate just yet, then we can hold off on.”

“Let’s get married before we start deciding on having kids, Chryssy. I’ve still yet to propose to you!”

“Oh? Is that what you’re planning to do at the Gala?”

“We won’t remember this, right?” I asked.

“Nope!” I let out a sigh in relief. I want my proposal to be a surprise for Chryssy.

“Arkanaids comes in with ‘bro got banned from life’ in reference to Scuttle dragging a noble away, any comments, Scuttle?” the Nugget asked.

“Well, you simply do not call my favorite younger sister ‘ugly’. I know how she feels about her appearance, and I do not, do not appreciate anyone, or anypony insulting her in such a cheap manner. Especially when Chrysalis is far from the worst of our siblings. Did you know that Thistle is currently planning to mass genocide to Zebras?” Oh, where was Thistle?

“What?” Celestia shouted.

(Meanwhile)

“Hail Thistle!” The Zebra kingdom is about to get fucked up.

(back to the gang)

“Don’t worry about it,” Scuttle giggled. “We won’t remember this by the end, so why bother to stop Thistle?”

Celestia began to vibrate in pure rage!

“So Avisability comes in, asking if Fruit hit Twilight during a ‘friendship meeting’ that he walked in on.”

Twilight and Fruit slowly looked at each other. “If I had hands, right now Fruit, I would be using them to show you how I feel about you doing that.”

“Like this?” Chrysalis transformed her hoof into a hand and gave Twilight the middle finger.

“Yes! Exactly! Fruit, why did you throw that brick at me? I was holding a very important meeting-“

“About how to make friends. Twilight, you’re the same pony to tell somebody ‘grow the fuck up’ when their mother dies, granted, you’d in a nicer way, but it’s still something you’d do. Feck, your idea of helping a friend out, is letting them do something dumb, like standing in front of an oncoming train, and then tell them off about it afterwards. That’s a good way to have a dead friend, Twilight.”

“Well, most of her friends would be dead if they didn’t have plot armor,” the Nugget said.

“The hay is that supposed to mean?” Apple Jack put her hoof down with a thunderous crack.

“Nothing.”

“Ah, this was a while ago. DingoAte comes in with ‘this is a very good way to find a pipe bomb in your luggage’ in reference to Chryssy, Skitter, and Scatter reading Fruit’s diary.”

I slowly swiveled my head to face Skitter and Scatter, who were now shivering. “C’mere Scatter.” The Changeling nodded, and reluctantly got out of her recliner, and slowly crept towards where me and Chryssy were. “You don't gotta be scared, y’know.”

“I can sense your disappointment, sir.”

“That's because I’m a better actor than you thought!” I pounced on Scatter and started hugging her head after we hit the ground. “I’m not mad about the whole ‘reading my diary’ shit. If I was, I woulda bombed the train we were on, instead of just getting everybody present drunk.”

“Okay, what is wrong with Fruit? He’s being nice to somepony,” Twilight asked.

“Oh, I can be nice, like genuinely nice to somebody, Twi. But first I actually got to like you, and so far, you’ve proven to be make me want to die more than make me desire your company. You see, I want to be with my bug horses, and my girlfriend. You make me want to stay away from Ponyville, and that’s rich given that I wanna see Diamond Tiara again”

“Don’t worry ladies and gents, stallions and mares, a Fruit and Twilight friendship arc will be a thing!” the Nugget said.

“I will-“

“Nah, I’m your god, you aren’t dying, stupid.”

For fuck’s sake.

“Born-From-Black-Lightnin asks ‘Fruit, if you were not dating Chrysalis, who would you like to date and why?’”

I rubbed my chin and shrugged. “Probably Luna. I was going to try and date her first, but then Chryssy beat her to the curb and asked me out first. Luna is one of the first ponies that I’ve met, and you know, I met her in a very conventional way of dropping in on her from the ceiling. Though, I have also considered dating Celly, but recently,” I gestured over to where the wild Celly was, who was busy kissing Sombra constantly, who was shivering in fear while staring at me. “She’s kinda taken right now, so I think it’s a good thing that I haven’t decided to date her. It would be pretty awkward to date somebody and then redeem their husband.”

“Moving on, Born-From-Black-Lightnin also asks Twilight ‘Hello, welcome to McDonalds, home of the Big Mac, how can I take your order today’?” Twilight slowly turned to me, blinked, and suddenly we were inside of a McDonald’s kitchen. “Well Fruit Punch, care to finally sell Twilight a Big Mac?” the Nugget said.

“You know what, fuck yeah. Twi, go sit in the lobby, you’re gonna get a Big Mac for once.”

“Why do you wish to serve my husband on a plate to Twilight? I do not want to share him,” Nightmare Moon ruffled her feathers.

“A Big Mac is a gourmet delicacy back at home- according to all six thousand people who show up every other day at the McDonalds I worked at.” I quickly threw some patties onto the grill and spun around to quickly put fries into the fryers for everybody else. I am going to feed Twilight what is possibly real cow meat, which is going to traumatize her- what? If we will forget everything that happens here and now, then why not make the most of it?

“Yo Chryssy can you get those patties off the grill for me?” Chrysalis and several other changelings started working the kitchen with me, and somehow, despite never bagging or making orders before, the changelings quickly threw together everybody’s food, which mostly consisted of fries since I don’t think most of the ponies here would be happy about eating meat. Except Twilight, I’m going to tell her it’s a hay burger and then tell her it’s meat-

Actually the changelings made their own food, which also included a burger or two- oh right, these guys can eat literally anything. Like Scatter ate a fucking rock once and was perfectly fine, and her only complaint was ‘it wasn’t crunchy enough’. We all got together in the dining room and… this McDonalds is being suspended in the void. Every changeling seemed to enjoy the food, while I slipped a six pack of nuggets, which she loved by the way(fuck, I need to steal a case of these from McDonalds), and watched with glee as Twilight happily ate away at her Big Mac, which again, was made of meat and not hay. She seemed to love it a lot.

“You know, I like the pickles in this-“

“You do know that’s made out of cow, right?” the Nugget asked. The shit eating grin on his face was palpable.

Twilight’s ears flattened and the Big Mac flew out of the building, through the roof, and immediately got erased in the void. She made a breakneck blitz towards the nearest trashcan and proceeded to throw up into it for thirty minutes straight. Apple Jack was patting her on the back while whispering words of comfort, while Chrysalis snorted. “Someponies need to learn how to stomach their protein.”

“You got that right, Chryssy.”

“Why have you not made yourself any food, Fruit?”

“I ate almost nothing but McDonalds for most of my adult life, and I’m sick of it. Like just the smell of the grill going made me want to die because… I dunno, I guess after finally getting out of working fast food made me realize how close I was to the suicide watch list before this.”

“So, while Twilight has sufficiently been mentally scarred and losing her lunch, Fruit, there is another question for you. From the same guy that made this happen… Born-From-Black-Lightnin! ‘Who would you least like to date(That’s not Twilight or Apple Jack)?’ And I’m going to and on to this; it can’t be another Element of Harmony, because I doubt you’ll get along with any- yes, I know, you think Fluttershy’s adorable, I made you.”

I shrugged. “I suppose I wouldn’t want to date Scatter, because for starters, I don’t think she’d want to be dating me.” Scatter blushed- god dammit. “But she is fucking adorable, and I would rather have us just be good friends.” With that, Scatter climbed up into mine and Chryssy’s booth, laid her head on my shoulder, and started dozing off. “And because she does this a lot, if I were dating her, I would not get anything done. I already don’t get anything done, but I would get even less than I already do if I were dating Scatter.”

“You know, you don’t do anything when I use you as a pillow. In fact, you lay for several hours straight because I’m resting my head on your shoulder too.”

“I don’t wanna wake you up!” I chuckled. “Plus you snore like a kitten and it’s adorable. It would be a crime to wake you up!”

“Chryssy and Fruit kssing in a tree-“ I threw a brick at Spike to shut him up.

“Go pipe Rarity already, dingus.” Rarity blinked, and Chrysalis cleared throat before the fashion pony could say anything.

“I would like to take a shot at one of those questions that were meant for my stallion friend. For if I had to date somebody other than Fruit… I think I would prefer a pink, fluffy unicorn that likes to dance on rainbows. Granted, I do not believe I will meet such a pony, but even if I did, I would still rather date Fruit. It’s been very pleasant so far.”

“In all fairness, if we ever met a pink, fluffy unicorn, I would gladly get cucked by them. That, or you two can share me with her.”

“Didn’t you just say you don’t want to be shared?”

“Yeah, but for a pink, fluffy unicorn, I’d let it happen.”

“I am not putting Fluffle Puff into this story, you idiots. That’s somebody else’s character, but if I could, I would.” The Nugget chuckled. “Well, I dunno if I can- oh, THE_LONE_WRITER asks- no, demands ‘Fruit Punch, please have my children’. I blinked. “Chryssy, please stab me in the heart with your horn.”

“You’ll only feel the pain from me doing that, you understand that, Fruit?” I nodded. “And you understand-” Twilight and her friends blasted me with the elements of harmony and I exploded- god dammit, I’m not dead.

Author's Note:

And... done. their memories have been resetted to the latest cannon chapter!

Comments

[Arkanids]

“Arkanaids comes in with ‘bro got banned from life’ in reference to Scuttle dragging a noble away, any comments, Scuttle?” the Nugget asked.

Didn’t even know you were doing this, glad to be a part of it.

[Ezekiel Namuh]

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The feelings are shared. I never thought I'd see my name even vaguely connected to a story this good, but here we are.

Here we all are.

[THE_LONE_WRITER]

YESSSS I MADE IT IN!!!!

[Hazard Trishula]

Moreee

[mommy5260]

P l e a s e Do N a h t stop making this shit, it is funny and i enjoy it

[Nugget27]

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trust me, i’ve got a list of ideas and i’ve got more in the bank. i will keep posting to this story until I run out of ideas

[mommy5260]

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y i i i i s s s