So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Me and Twilight get Stuck in a Hole

So I woke up in a cave today, for some odd, unexplainable- nevermind, there’s a letter! It’s from Princess Celestia, so surely, surely she’ll have a good reason for me being down here. Maybe she thought some peace and quiet would be nice.

Or she finally got sick of me and wants to get rid of me.

“Dear Prince Fruit Punch. I am tired of you and Princess Twilight Sparkle(and her friends) getting along so poorly. So I have put magic prohibiting rings on you, Twilight, and Rarity. I also bound up everypony that has a pair of wings. Yes, I know you don’t know how to fly, but I'm not taking chances with your bizarre, unpredictable skill set. You seven will have to work together to get out of wherever you are.”

“P.S don’t ask Chrysalis for help, she’s preoccupied.” My eyes twitched. I don’t care about how I now gotta work with five(Fluttershy’s still pretty chill) ponies that I loathe, I really don’t. I can set my differences aside so that we can get out of here in one piece. Here’s my main problem; why does everyone assume I’ll rely on Chrysalis to get me out? And most importantly, why does everybody feel the need to tie her up?

When I get out of here, I am going to find Chrysalis, untie her, and take her out to dinner. Or bring her home and snuggle up with her. I don’t fucking know, just something that doesn’t involve ‘hey, I tied you up so you don’t go rescue your boyfriend’. Seriously, I am tired of having her tied up everytime I need to be ‘taught a lesson in friendship’ with the stupid cat's smiley face and everything.

(Chrysalis was currently betting with Celestia on how long it would take Fruit to curse out one of the elements).

Low and behold, Twilight and her friends, who were in a dog pile, were across the cave chamber from me and Twilight was the first to wake up. Her eyes narrowed at me before she started reading the letter, which was probably identical to mine since her eyes widened. The first thing she did after reading her letter was wake her friends and tell them what was happening. Wait a second, how did she get the sharpie off? It was wash proof and magic proof! Damned false marketing.

“So Fruit, I suppose we’ll have to get along to get out of these… catacombs. Do you have any ideas as to how we’ll get out of here? Because… I can probably develop a plan to get us out of here as soon as possible. I know you want to get back to Queen Chrysalis as soon as you’d like, so just cooperate with me and my friends, and you'll be back to her in a jiffy!” I shrugged. It’s way better than going about it willy nilly, I guess, and Twilight is apparently known for making bullet proof plans even if she probably crumples the very moment that her plan doesn’t… go to plan.

“So first we… head to the right, and stick along the right side of the path and keep taking rights. If we get stuck somewhere, or reach a dead end, we can turn around and keep sticking to the right side of the path. We’ll find an exit eventually,” Twilight said before taking a lantern that was provided to her and lit it. “Fruit, where did you get that helmet from?” I pointed up at my hard hat that had a headlight on it.

“Butt pocket. I expanded the storage on this thing earlier and stuck some essentials in it. Ya never know when you’ll get stuck somewhere, right?”

“Please do not tell me you have more apple pie that is severely out of date.” Everybody shivered… did I traumatize them with that litlle stunt?

“Nah, just a grappling hook, climbing gear, a flintlock, a first aid kit, several M.R.E’s, or instant food, and a magically enchanted bottle of a jump boost potion. Didn’t know those existed, but they do, so I enchanted the bottle to hold more of it. I’ve also got a few more potions I bought off a zebra at some point. And a couple other things that I’m gonna keep to myself because I don’t think you’ll approve of me keeping a combat knife on me.”

Or a shotgun.

The seven of us began to wander to the most right pathway, with me at the front, probably because Twilight expected me to murder one of her friends from behind. God, Pinkie’s legs make spring noises when she jumps, which would be fine if her wasn’t fucking hopping along- I pulled out earplugs and put them in. Ah, so much better. Now- holy fuck, that is a pit, that is a pit to uncertain death. I took my earplugs out and sighed; now I have to fucking hear these guys talk about solutions.

While they were coming up with stupid solutions, one of which involved finding a big rock to put in the pit, I reached in my butt pocket, grabbed my grappling hook, and shot it to the other end of the gap. I then grabbed a second one and did the same thing, and casually began to walk across my improvised bridge. Twilight and her friends decided to take a moment to stare at my improvised bridge before shrugging and, one by one, walked across the bridge and continued to keep their eyes on me.

“So, which way now, Princess? We’ve got another fork in the road,” I got close to one path and turned the headlight on, which shined way, way further out than that shitty little lantern. I pulled out my flintlock.

“I say we go right,” Twilight said. I shot the flintlock down the right and reloaded it as I waited for a sound. Thud! Almost instantly… I shot it down the left path and it kept going and going and goin- thud! “The left path’s the longer path, I say we go left.”

“I’m the leader here, Fruit, I say we go right! And how do you know how the left path’s longer anyways? All you did was shoot that weapon.”

“Yeah and the bullets go at… about a thousand hoofsteps a second. This means that that path,” I pointed to the right path. “Goes for at most, one hundred feet, and that’s for flintlocks that aren’t built to be shot super far like this. This flintlock can shoot about… three hundred feet, and even then, both bullets hit something. So at best, we’ll run into a fork on either path, or a dead end!”

“We could split up, it would make things easier,” Apple Jack suggested.

“But who would want to go with Fruit?” Absolutely nobody. Rarity raised her hoof, but slowly lowered it when everybody glared at her, myself included.

She just wants to stare at my ass while I walk, I know she does.

“I’ll go solo then.” I pulled out a radio and tossed it to Twilight, which she actually tried to catch with her magic, but ended up getting hit in the face with it. I woulda snickered if it weren’t for the fact that we’re stuck down here. “The button on the front will let you talk to me. Tell me if you manage to find something cool down the right, and I’ll do the same if I find something on the left. If we both reach a dead end, we meet back here.”

“Fruit, why should we listen to you? You’re a Celestia damned idiot!” Everybody gasped. Twilight called me an idiot, damn, now I’m going to need a therapist!

“I choose to be dumb, Princess. Keep in mind that I went to college for a fuckin’ degree is psychology, you dickhead. I can be smart when I want to be smart. For all we know, that right path is the way out and you’ll just leave without telling me anything, which is fine. I know how to get these stupid rings off, and I choose not to since that’ll piss Celly off. I really do not feel like getting hit with the sun, which can be a very deadly laser. So yes, I am dumb, and I choose to be dumb. Like how I choose to be an asshole to you specifically, because I fuckin’ hate you!” I spun around.

God, why did Celly think this is a good idea? We’ll end up killing each other before we can get along. Like Twilight is worse than my dad, and he always called me a failure.

“If I find something I’ll talk to y’all over that little radio.” I began walking down the left path and chuckled. You know, it would be very easy to just grab a pair of pliers and rip this magic thing off, it really would be, but I’m supposed to learn to… Oh sick, crystals… I want one. I grabbed a hammer out of my ass, my pocket, not my asshole, and broke a crystal. Now I have another shiny to go along with my dumb little trophy. Why did I go out of my way to win that again?

I dunno, it just looked cool. I was feeling a lot of ‘fuck you’ energy on that particular day.

“Hey Fruit, this is Rainbow Dash. I’m just telling you that the path we went down was a dead end… and Twilight is fuming right now.”

“I’m still going… there’s a fucking pack of timber wolves in front of me right now. Yo, if I die, can you tell Chryssy that I love her?”

“Wait, we’ll come-” I turned my radio off and sat on my rump. So seven wolves, all of which look hungry as fuck, are now my problem. “So, y’all are hungry, right?” The timber wolves started creeping towards me, growling, looking ready to turn me into a pony steak party. Well, I dunno why these guys want to eat what is basically a horse; they taste bad. I would know from eating questionable burgers in college, which I later learnt were made of horse.

Now I could take the time to tame these guys, but I already have five at home, and I simply don’t have the room for that many wolves, myself, two changeling drones, and a changeling queen. So I took out a bag of jerky, turkey because cows are sentient here, and threw the contents on the ground. I looked up and… dead end. Cool. The wolves were occupied with the jerky, so I was pretty much free to leave.

I made sure to pat every timber wolf before I go- one even tried to follow me after I scratched it behind the ears.

I took the radio out and turned it back on. “Yo, I’m heading back, I hit a dead end.”

(Meanwhile)

Twilight stomped. “That stupid stallion thinks he can boss me around? I’m significantly more skilled in magic, I’m smarter, I ascended before he did! And he didn’t even really ascend, he just drank some stupid potion!”

“Twi, are you alright?” Rarity asked.

“Of course I am, Rarity. I just hate Fruit Punch so damn much.” Twilight answered as she rounded a corner, to find Fruit Punch waiting, talking to a mirror.

“So, you aren’t locked up somewhere, Chryssy?”

“No, I am perfectly free, and I won twenty bits because of a bet I made with Celestia, thanks to you.”

“Huh… wanna grab a burger or two when I get out of here.”

“Again Fruit, the mare is supposed to ask the stallion out.”

“I thought we were taking turns!” The Mane Six all sat and stared at Fruit as they watched a side of a stallion they rarely saw. Fruit was genuinely being nice to somebody, no stupid voice that made the stallion sound like he inhaled helium and started blatantly pretending to be nice to another living being. “How about we ask each other out? Surely we can have burgers and then you can take me out shortly afterwards.” He had a small, nearly unnoticeable smile as he spoke to Chrysalis.

“I suppose… a walk in the park after dinner?”

“I’ve yet to see your Hive, y’know. I’ve only met you, Skitter and Scatter and you know, I’d like to meet the rest of your Hive.”

“We can walk through the park in the New Hive, then. Thanks to the Hive mind, most of my drones know who you are, so it’s merely a matter of introducing you to them.”

“Also Celly, thank you for not tying my girlfriend up for the sixteenth time this year.”

“Well, it was made clear that Chrysalis is willing to comply with matters involving you as long as she knows you won’t get hurt. Just make sure you work with the Elements and get out of the catacombs.”

“Oh, I’ve got an idea or two if it takes too long to get outta here.”

“You have explosives, don’t you?” Fruit nodded. “Well, I suppose that is a way out. Just don’t kill anypony while you’re down there.” Fruit stuck the mirror in his butt pocket.

“So what was that about hating me? Because love and hate are two sides of the same coin.”

“Fruit I swear, if you somehow spin this into me being attracted to you, I will end you.”

“Alright, so take the lead Princess. Or do you want me to take the lead so I might get bodied by a trap?” Twilight turned her nose and began to walk ahead of the group.

Rarity squealed at the opportunity to watch Fruit’s hips again.

(Fruit became sentient again. Watch out! “Rarity stop at my ass you pervert!”)

Eventually the group made it back to the beginning chamber they all had woken up in, and went into the next path, where there were four in total. “So… which direction now, Princess?” I asked, pulling out my flintlock again.

“Fruit, if you make a choice based on that stupid method again.”

“Instead of going by deduction of options, and spending quite possibly all day down here?” I cocked my head. “Fuckin’ christ, I wish Skitter were here. He’d have us out of this shithole in twelve minutes tops.”

(Skitter was making sure Scatter doesn’t get kidnapped by the Royal Guard she’s currently playing with. He can sense the guard’s desire to and understands why; Scatter was being completely adorable by changeling standards, as in very cute)

“I am the princess here, Fruit. you're just a sad, poor excuse of a stallion that gets favoritism because you’re from another universe!” Twilight started shouting while she was five inches away from my face. My ears hurt now. I kept on backing away towards one of the four possible paths. “And because ‘you could make for a good prince’ and whatever! The only reason why you’re not rotting in a cell is because you’re an alicorn that didn’t even ascend properly! You drunk a stupid…”

Hurtful and accurate... Oh well! Where’s the floor?

“Twilight!” One of the Elements shouted as the floor gave out from under us.

“Oh right, I stepped on a pressure plate while you were shouting at me.” Duh duh duh! We’re dead! We both looked down and started screaming as we fell into what seemed like a bottomless pit. “Alicorns can’t die, right?” I shouted as we kept on falling.

“There are stories, and actual alicorns through out, who have been killed!” Twilight shouted back as the bottom of the pit grew near. “Don’t you have anything to save us?”

I pulled out my grappling hook… and it slipped out of my hoof. “Here, I got an idea,” I tucked my legs in and fell faster than Twilight did, and got underneath her. Why the fuck is my moral compass kicking in now of all fucking times? Fuck moraity-

Okay, okay, everything fucking hurts. I hit the ground first, and Twilight came crashing down on top of me. Thank god she was alright because everything fucking burns! I’m actually laying in a puddle of my own blood, Jesus christ. I’ve jumped out of a castle and was fine, so we must’ve been falling for a fucking while. I started screaming several obscenities while I started holding my now broken, left front foreleg.

“You… actually broke my fall,” Twilight sounded like she was at a loss. Oh come the fuck- she was perfectly fine! And my arm is bent in fifteen ways that are completely unnatural!

“Surprise…” I sat up and groaned as my body tried to protest, but I forced it to sit the fuck up. That’s right you bitch, I own you, and you will do as I say- this sounded like slavery. You know, when you really think about it your body is a slave to your mind. Oh right, I broke my everything, ass not included... At least Chrysalis gets to still ‘enjoy the view’. “So… any ideas on how we’re getting out of this hole?”

We both looked up. “We could try the grappling hook.”

“With my broken arm? Hell no. I can’t fly because I never got any lessons, and you can’t fly because your wings are magically bound to your body. We’re fucked…” I grinned like an idiot.

“Why are you smiling? We are going to starve to death down here!”

“I’ve got seven week’s worth of instant food for one guy, so we’ll last a while. I just like the idea of dying…”

“What is wrong with you? Don’t you still have to propose to Queen Chrysalis?”

“Yeah… it sucks that I can’t do that, but at least I fell in love. Boy did it hurt a lot, but life was wonderful whenever I was with Chryssy.”

“So you have a reason to keep on going!”

“I do, but I don’t like the fact that I’m an alicorn now. I didn’t earn it, as you said, and uh… I don’t like the implication of me being very, very, very long lived, Twilight. I expected about just short of a century’s worth of time alive, and then I’m given way more than that. I don’t wish to be alive forever, Twilight; being alive while I am alive is far, far more worth an eternal life.”

“That is… aren’t you supposed to be a comedian? And an asshole? When the fuck did you become a philosopher?” Wow, Twi’s cursing, I must’ve broken her.

“Yes to the first two of your questions, I’m an assoholic bitch of a shitty comedian, but I’m also an upcoming psychologist, Twilight. If you know you’ve got a limited time to be alive, or a shortened life span for any reason, you're going to try and enjoy life as best as you can. And I’d say this last year was probably the best year of my life. I found love, I found freedom…” I chuckled. “I’m free of my crippling debt!” That’s the best part of this, too.

“Why are you actually being a decent person, Fruit? What happened to that unbearable stallion that I woke up to this morning?”

“That whole persona is to make myself seem unapproachable, Twilight. I like being alone; it’s just how I am…” Twilight laid her head on my shoulder. “Hey now, you seem like you actually like me now. That’s a wee bit strange, ain’t it?”

(Chrysalis wrote down ‘egg Twilight’s house for cuddling with My FRUIT’ in her journal before putting it away)

“You… turned out to be an actually decent stallion. Come on, you aren't dying here. I’m going to make sure you get to at least marry Chrysalis before you die.”

Aw, god dammit! Here I was thinking Twilight and I would hate each other forever.

“Hey Twilight, why is Pinkie Pie… running on the wall, straight down, with no fucking climbing gear?” Before either of us could ask any further questions, Pinkie grabbed the two of us, and ran straight back up the wall until… I blacked out, to be honest. My head hurts way too much.

“Welcome to Pinkie’s world, Fruit,” Twilight’s voice pierced the void that is my closed eyelids.

“That’s right…” Pinkie said in an overly cheerful voice. “So when are you two dating?” Twilight faked a gag- she’s fucking considering it!

I hit myself over the head with a brick.

(Later that day)

“Ugh…” What the fuck dude? I lifted my head to see… Chrysalis shouting at Celestia in a sound proof bubble.

(in the bubble)

“You said Fruit wouldn’t get hurt, you fucking bitch!”

“It was the only way to get you to allow me to do this, without tying you up, Chrysalis.”

“Fruit has several broken limbs and broken legs.”

“But now Twilight actually likes Fruit, and Fruit might be more willing to tolerate Twilight. And now we know that Fruit being… Fruit is an act.”

“I’ve known since I met him, Celestia.”

“Of course, that stallion is more likely-“ Celestia grunted when Chrysalis slapped her cheek.

“That is for intentionally hurting Fruit second handedly. Now if you excuse me, I have a stallion’s boo boos to kiss.”

Chrysalis stepped out of the bubble and trotted over to Fruit, while Celestia kept holding her cheek. That bug knew how to fucking slap!

“That was hot, dear,” Fruit said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, it was sexy as fuck.”

Chrysalis crawled up into the bed beside Fruit. “So, Fruit, where did you learn philosophy from?”

“I put myself in debt for those lessons in it.”

“I see… I do like your perspective on life, even if it requires you nearly dying to hear it.”

“I mean… I’ll live forever if I get to be with you forever.”

“You just like my… legs.” Chrysalis slid a hoof down one of her rear legs.

“So? They’re long and sexy! Okay, I also love the mare that’s attached to them.” Chrysalis buried her face in Fruit’s side.

“Fruit, you sly bitch!”

Celestia walked out of the room. Those two were insufferable together.

Author's Note:

Sorry if there’s not enough funnies in this particular chapter. I wanted to give Fruit a bit more depth. Next chapter we’ll kill santa clause with a brick and a machete

Comments

[Ezekiel Namuh]

I'm going to guess Chrysalis guessed... What, under 2 minutes?

Seconds?

[Nugget27]

11502076
roughly five minutes

[Fireeaters]

I wonder how your celestia hasn't been sued with all these kidnappings.

[ramdom_player201]

Spaghetti on pizza! Yes or no? How about, spaghetti in pizza?

Also, good chapter!

[Kingmoonwar19]

11502232
YeS!

[Hazard Trishula]

More again

[mommy5260]

I would like twilight to die.

Gud story though

[Munro]

11502232
you just gave me an idea to try something "spaghetti bolognes calzone pizza with extra cheese"