So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

A Horseshoehorned Idea

Wow, politics, so fun. So, Shining Armor is now in well enough of a condition to take part in the fun meetings, and apparently we were meeting with several other world leaders. For instance, there were goats, actual horses(which all looked like Celestia except slightly taller and lacked horns and wings), griffons, and whatever the fuck else. The most fun thing was everybody was giving the stink eye to Chrysalis even though she hadn’t done anything to them, or anybody for that matter. I was slightly mad since that attention was then brought onto me for being the ambassador of the Hive, but not because I was dating said apparently hated Changeling Queen.

Just looking at Chrysalis, I could tell just how close she was to walking out of the meeting room, which looked eerily similar to the senate room in Star Wars with less technology, with Celestia and Luna sitting in the middle of the room hearing terms and whatnot as various world leaders gave their piece for why accepting the Hive as state of Equestria would be a good or bad thing for them. “Hey Chryssy, mind telling me what changelings can be useful for? I know you guys would make for good spies, but uh… I need some extra…” wait, I got an idea.

“Well, most Changelings are well versed in many things, we had to in order to keep ourselves hidden,” Chrysalis rubbed her chin. “Tell me, Fruit, you’ve spent a large amount of time around us, what do you see in us?”

“From what I’ve seen, Changelings have a work ethic unlike any other, like to the point of getting shit down to the nano hoof. Like I’ve seen Scatter working out a budget for when I eventually start a pizza stand or restaurant, and Skitter can get pizza cooking down to the nanosecond.” I chuckled. “Like it is scary at just how good Skitter is at timing shit,” I pecked Chrysalis on the cheek. “Plus they’re pretty,” I chuckled when Chrysalis buried her nose into a piece of paper, like she was reading a legal document, but I could see how red she was becoming.

It was kinda fun, knowing that I can make a thousand year old bug queen, who has seen it all in terms of dating, blush. Mostly because it made her look even cuter. “And you guys are absurdly loyal, you could probably attach a drone or two to Celestia and they’ll do literally anything for her,” I pointed at Scatter, who was trying to pester some random Crystal Guard for his helmet. “Or just try and get her to play depending on the situation.”

“Please welcome ambassador Fruit of the Badlands Hive to the stand,” Celestia said with a warm smile on her face. Oh son of a bitch, I didn’t have anything prepared, I was too busy drinking super booze to calm my nerves, so my decision making might be really bad. I walked to the center of the room after I quickly chewed on some dandelions, which had a similar effect to weed, and cleared my throat once in the center of the room.

“So like, with the Badlands Hive now being a part of Equestria, you won’t have to worry about our changelings invading your country and taking over it. Like, changelings just like being near their queen, who will be mostly stationed in Canterlot, so most of our changelings will remain in Canterlot. Uh… yeah, that’s really it. Changelings are great workers, so trading might go up if we have a few ships built by said changelings.

“Skitter?” My bodyguard dropped down from the ceiling and expertly landed right beside me. I pulled out a model ship that I’ve yet to put together. “Put this together without-“ I blinked, and Skitter had put the entire model together. “Magic… alright, thank you Skitter,” I patted my buddy on the back. “You see, tell a changeling to do something and they’ll find a very efficient way of doing it. So you guys can even borrow a few changelings and they can help y’all out in exchange for some love.”

“Or food, but love is preferred,” Skitter said. A lot of murmuring went on, but I think I sort of guessed where this was going. Chryssy said other countries saw Celly as a god, right? So what if-

“So Princess Celestia, can you tell us what you think of this arrangement?” One of the horses asked.

“Well, I do believe all of what Fruit said is true, and as long as Chrysalis allows it, you can borrow a changeling or two lend a hoof in any project you need,” Celestia smiled as she pulled Scatter away from a guard, who she was just about to kiss, and levitated the confused drone up. “Changelings are relatively harmless unless you threaten their Queen, and they are very cooperative as long as what you ask of them also falls in line with what their queen asks of them.”

“You have my vote!” One after another, everybody in the room voted on… wasn’t this supposed to be just Celestia introducing this whole arrangement to her allies before this went fully public? Like what the fuck, this isn’t a democracy, because what are you gonna do if you disagree with this? We have deadly rainbows, celestial body-controlling alicorns, and most of you worship said alicorns.

Also if anybody disagreed, their mode of transport will mysteriously have a pipe bomb on said modes of transport. Because I didn’t just get high and do a really shitty speech for nothing, asshats. For the love of god, Bo Jack, you horse, shut the fuck up already. I don’t care about your plans for borrowing changelings to start an industrial revolution.

Especially since you said you wanted to take Skitter and Scatter. You don’t touch my drones, they’re mine for a reason- why am I calling them my drones? Technically they were Chrysalis’s, but I’m also dating Chrysalis. So does that technically make them mine? I dunno, but they’re my favorite bug horses besides the literal Queen that I’m dating, and I’m not letting some stupid horse take them!

Anyways, the whole thing was over and there was a surprising amount of support behind the integration of the Hive into Equestria. There was just one catch for that though. “We can’t have that wretch leading the changelings if they are to integrate into Equestria! She seduced my great grandfather and robbed him almost a hundred years ago!” A griffon yelled.

“Ah, that would have been my sister, Thistle,” Chrysalis then produced a photo of said sibling who looked a lot like herself, but with crimson hair and wings. She also looked a bit taller and more hole filled. Wow, Thistle was somehow taller than Chryssy. “I have nearly a hundred siblings running around Equus, doing their own things with their own Hives. I must apologize for my younger sister’s misdeeds on her behalf, as she was always the more… mischievous of my siblings.” Chrysalis then produced another photo of what looked like herself as a foal alongside at least fifty other changelings, who lacked the singular colored eyes that most drones do.

“If you all would like, I can provide details into my siblings’ whereabouts so you may deal with them as you please, but I simply request that you do not harm any of them. Aside from Thistle, who likes to bite griffons’ heads off, most of them pull minor pranks at most,” Chrysalis sounded very professional with all of this, but one side glance would tell you that she wanted to go down and sip on some tea. Maybe I should give her my dandelions. Because drugging Chrysalis worked out super well.

(shortly after the events of ‘Chrysalis reads my diary’)

“C’mere Fruit… I wanna hug you and kiss you and love you!” Chrysalis said while holding a mug of my specially brewed, magically enhanced, vodka. Boy was she extra affectionate on that day and also really bad at controlling her strength. She knocked the wind out of me by just hugging me ‘gently’ while drunk. Also Celestia and Luna passed out upon immediately drinking the alcohol. How I didn’t get put in jail for drugging them is beyond me, but Luna said I made a really tasty drink hence my current freedom in the future.

(present day)

“That… would be helpful, but we still believe you are unfit to rule your hive,” the griffon crossed his arms like a stupid little kid that was having a tantrum.

“Aren’t you also… basically blind?” What? For some reason there was just an arrow in the griffon’s eye and he had an eye patch over the other.

“Shut it! Unless you would like to settle this in a duel?” Shining Armor, who was sitting a couple seats down from me, winced at that. You see, even if Shining had recovered from my little beating, he still had to wear a cast on his left foreleg, and had several splinters from the wooden sword that I used to beat him over the head with. The captain then turned to me, whimpered, and Cadence hugged her husband while glaring at me. Wow, I am such a nice guy that I gave a man Vietnam War flashbacks from a simple sparring match.

Be lucky that I didn’t have my shotgun, pretty pony man.

“Don’t mind my uncle, he’s just a little cranky without his coffee,” a female griffon sat right behind her uncle, but had moved forward to keep him from doing anything stupid.

“Well, even if Mr. Feather Duster objects, most, if not everypony here agrees that the Hive’s integration would either be beneficial, or wouldn’t be harmful in any way, so your opinion is overruled by the majority.” What was happening again? I need to stop sniffing dandelions and start inhaling paint more; I remember more stuff while high on paint. Oh right, politics, let’s just… skip past a couple of weeks shall we?

Segways are weird and very hard.

A couple weeks later, I’m sitting inside my home in Canterlot, working on my latest invention. You see, it turns out that I don’t know how to make a musket, so I made a pipe bomb, but kept the explosive shit(which was actually shit, like cow shit) at the end of it. So if I were to stick this in a pipe with a closed end, then I could in fact, make my own version of a gun. Making this is kinda pointless since the Elements of Harmony exist and can defeat basically anything that decides to be evil, but those keep people alive for some reason instead of just killing them.

Like I’m all for it keeping Princess Luna from being a dead corpse, but stuff like Tirek, the magic eating centaur, needs to get shot on sight. One thing or another, and with a lot of help from Skitter or Scatter, who had somehow picked up on welding skills in a day to help me with this project, and my… bootleg musket is done. One compartment opens up for the pipe bomb to go in, and then you stick a metal ball in it, which, thanks to the grooves within the barrel(something I learnt in history class and randomly remembered), goes at about… really fast. Can’t wait to test this thing out only for it to fall flat on my face.

A knock on my door brought me away from my project(Skitter shot a rock with the musket we built and Scatter immediately began working on another one), and I quickly went to open the door. “Ah, Chrysalis, I assume you’re here to drag me away on another date?” Wait, why was Chrysalis’s eyes a slightly different color than usual? Like usually they’re acid green, and now they are now more… harsh green in color. “Yo, are you sick?” Chrysalis started cackling before turning towards the door.

“Sister! You should’ve told me you had chosen such a cute stallion to be your mate!” ‘Chrysalis’ then barged in, and then was quickly engulfed in green flames. Now what stood before me was a shorter Queen Chrysalis, but with light blue hair, those harsh, green eyes… and was she slightly shorter than the actual Chrysalis, who had popped her head in through the door. She waved at me while giving me an awkward smile and I trotted around the newcomer to meet her.

“Hey Chrysalis, why does it look like you cloned yourself and then had your clone dye her hair blue?”

“Ah Chryssy! You never told him about your siblings?” the newcomer raised a hoof to her chest. “Dearest me! You could have at least told him about your favorite, eldest sister, Chrysalis.”

“I was going to tell him, but then you charged for his home at the very mention of me having a potential mate again,” Chrysalis’s pupils slowly drifted towards my direction. “And you best not try to swipe him from me, Scuttle, he is mine.” Chrysalis then took the opportunity to pull me closer to her with a foreleg and keep her eyes locked on her sibling. “And for the love of Celestia, do not let Thistle know about Fruit Punch, she’ll bite his head off after forcing him to bed her. And I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I would like to keep Fruit until his time comes.”

“Uh… what the fuck are you guys talking about? I know Chryssy has a bunch of siblings, but like, what was that about Thistle coming and biting my head off?”

And… a red beam smashed through my roof, Scatter and Skitter immediately ran for cover underneath my bed and I scrambled over to the musket I built, and slid a pipe bomb and metal ball into the compartment.

“I already know, Chrysalis!” Now standing in front of the fridge, and looking in it, was a changeling that was almost a tiny bit shorter than Scuttle, and had… crimson red hair. Well, if my very good memory has anything to say about this, I assume this is Thistle. Well, I don’t need my gun at least, which is a shame that I couldn’t test it out on a live test subject.

Thistle slammed my fridge’s door shut after downing an entire gallon(or stallion in pony measurements) of apple cider… god fucking dammit! That was Great Apple Acres cider! That was my favorite non-alcoholic cider you bitch! Well shit, I can’t do anything but sit here since there are approximately three Changeling Queens, all of which can put me in a body bag, and only one of them was willing to protect me. Skitter scrambled out from under the bed and scrambled on over to Thistle before pulling her into a bear hug. Scatter remained under the bed.

“And there’s my favorite little drone from the Badland’s Hive! And you’ve grown an inch taller in the last five years!”

“I think I’ll go spend the day helping Celly in day court-” oh sick, now I’m being pulled by three different magical signatures. Oh that is a nice stretch. “Okay this is not a good stretch, lemme go! Ah son of a fucking bitch! I feel my arm being ripped out of my socket! Fuck! Stop!” In an instant, two magic signatures dissipated and I was in the arms of Chryssy, and… hey, my arm isn’t out of its socket because I can still move it. “Ah, that feels so much better!” I rested my head on Chrysalis’s chest.

Being burnt alive by Daybreaker felt better than whatever the fuck just happened.

“So, what can I get my two dearest sisters?” Chrysalis was giving a poor attempt to hide her annoyance. “Because I will kick your asses for trying to tug at Fruit at the same time I was!” Alright, time for magical booze, because I really do not feel like understanding what the fuck is going on. “Fruit, go hang out with Princess Celestia for the day while I have a word with my sisters about why they shouldn’t lay a hoof on you.” And… no room for argument, since I’m now sitting next to Celestia’s throne.

The sun princess was sitting, supporting her head with a hoof, while she listened to some idiot ask about what looked like some basic math problems before he turned and left. “Ah Fruit, Chrysalis told me to expect you sometime this week, as she has family matters that involve you not being present. Do you want to help me take part in day court?” Celestia looked bored and annoyed, even if she was doing a good job at hiding it from me. Lady, you need a day off.

“Go spend a day in the royal spa or something, Celly. You look like you’re about to punt somebody to the moon,” I patted her back. “I can take over court for you, and whatever else you’ve gotta do. So go, enjoy yourself for the rest of the day. Anything I can’t handle, I’ll ask you to look at tomorrow, sounds fair?” Celestia rubbed her chin for a few moments before shrugging.

“Well, what is the worst that can happen?” She then vanished from sight as the next pony walked in.

(Celestia’s POV)

I teleported away into a side room of the throne room, which had a magical, crystal ball that I used to spy on certain ponies. I zapped the ball with some magic, and it immediately went to my desired target. Fruit Punch was sitting on the throne, listening to a mare, an earth pony, complain about a court case that didn’t go in her favor, while Fruit read the legal documents. “So… you lost a case against your cousin, who got the rights to a carrot farm from their dad, right? That’s what this court document says.”

“Yeah! It’s not fair!”

Fruit shrugged. “Well, your cousin’s dad, and your uncle, chose his kid over you, any reason or that?”

“I… no!” The mare paused while Fruit’s eyes bore into her very soul. “Okay… My cousin is faster at working the carrot farm than I am, but my father told me that my uncle was going to give me the farm when he passed away!”

“It says that your uncle got murdered… Carrot Peeler. I assume that you didn’t have anything to do with that, right?”

“Who are you to make assumptions? You’re not Princess Celestia or Princess Luna!” I felt my crown disappear from my head and it promptly fell on Fruit’s head. “No, but I’m standing in for the Crown today. I can’t say you murdered somebody because that’s just blatant slander, but uh, you weren’t chosen to own the farm. And by law, any and all property either falls to the spouse of the owner, or the owner’s closest family should anything happen to the property owner. A cousin is a more distant relative than somebody’s daughter, stupid. Get the fuck out and go home. If you have a problem with this, then talk to Luna during night court.”

“This is bullshit! I’ll get you for this!” None of the guards made a move when Carrot Peeler charged at Fruit, only to have a brick be tossed at her, which nailed her in the head.

“Man, I wish I was allowed to do this at Mcdonalds! This is way more fun!” Fruit chuckled as Carrot was dragged off to the dungeons.

Well, Fruit seems to have gotten a solid grasp on Equestria law. Impressive.

(Fruit’s POV)

I’m being honest, I’m pulling this all out of my ass, help. This was a mistake, I’m gonna have a panic attack- I quickly ate a couple dandelions and steeled myself.

(Back to Sunbutt)

“Next,” somepony I recognized, one of the richer ponies in Canterlot walked in, and he was blowing steam. The only thing I noted was that he was a unicorn. “Name, problem, no bullshit or I’ll chuck this brick at you and ignore your case.”

“My four-hundred bit coats aren’t selling, and I would like a loan to help promote them!” The noble shouted. Fruit looked like he was slowly analyzing this stallion… for a pony without thousands of years of experience with reading body language, Fruit was reading every little movement of the noble and taking it into account.

“Curve your attitude, nerd. Can I see these designs-” Fruit got whacked in the face by a pure, white coat. Oddly, nopony is that rude to me whenever I’m running day court. “Sir, this feels like it was made out of nothing,” Fruit then ripped the jacket in half with his hooves. “It’s actually made out of nothing,” he chuckled. “It’s low quality, costs a fuck ton, and has a boring design. Sir, I’ve seen condoms with more thought poured into them than this.”

“Ha! Gotcha! That’s five hundred bits for ripping apart that display jacket!”

“Ah, blackmail. Here, let me return the favor then.” Oh dear, Fruit, what are you going to do? My substitute then pulled out… a walkie talkie, and whispered something into it. When did Fruit get the time to do- Luna teleported into the throne room while wearing a sleeping cap. Fruit made a comment about Luna looking adorable, which she did, before moving onto business.

“Hey Lulu, this guy just attempted to blackmail me, and I’m standing in for your sister. What’s a good punishment? Because I wanna break his legs and chuck him in the Everfree,” Fruit, what the hay is wrong with you? And why is it so entertaining to watch the noble slowly shrink back in fear as Luna begins to rub her chin.

“Well, it is better than the death sentence, do as you please Fruit, you currently have the highest authority in Equestria, after all.”

“Can you teleport him to the Everfree Forest then? This guy’s a bit fat and would take a lot of effort for me to move.”

“Hey!”

“Shut the fuck up, you fucking Dobbin!”

Fruit, that is a slur.

“You can either get the hell outta here, or I break your legs, castrate you, and leave you in the Everfree!” The noble nodded as soon as Luna started giving him the stink eye, and ran out of the room.

I need popcorn.

Comments

[Fireeaters]

I'm pretty sure it's "noble", 'nobel' is the prize

[Loki921]

I need popcorn.

Big mood, would actually love just a chapter of fruit yelling at noble's maybe like a fun Mimi chapter would be hilarious.

[origami]

Being burnt alive by Daybreaker felt better than whatever the fuck just happened.

I thought that wasn't canon?

[origami]

Also, I think this should have the random tag slapped on it

[Nugget27]

11479489
dw about it

[Nugget27]

11479460
that’s coming next chapter

[Hazard Trishula]

More for prince fruit

[Swordfighter125]

Calling a noble fat is like Vegan Teacher being angry at Nikocado Avocado