So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Of Cults and Duels

“Dear Fruit Punch, I Princess Twilight Sparkle, have one simple request. I would like to have a magical duel with you because I want to murder- test your magical abilities as a fellow-newly ascended alicorn! Now, since I am a Princess, I have a very tight schedule, so you must understand that you must appear at the library, at the exact time that I tell you to show up. At noon, we will meet up, we will then have our duel. As a Princess, I must urge you to meet my request, because I am a Princess that will have to perform Princess duties once the magical duel is over. I hope we can leave with you in a body bag- I hope we can both learn something from each other.

“And I hope to make sure you cannot breed- I hope to take proper measurements of your magical abilities after all is said and done.”

I blinked a couple of times while reading that. This is all a front, this bitch definitely wants to kill me, and I don’t particularly want to die. I’ve only shot myself six or seven times with a shotgun during a couple of meetings that Celestia had me attend with her. As for why? Because I’m a prince now, and I guess that requires me to do things a prince would do. Like listen to some fuck face talk about why he wants to put a tax on dirt. That’s not a joke, somebody tried to tax dirt and I threw a brick at him for being stupid.

I’m running out of bricks.

Something very important to point out in this letter is that Twilight didn’t give me a date. She just gave me a time, so technically I can just show up on any random day at noon, beat Twilight over the head with a brick, and become the official ‘strongest magic user in Equestria’, but I really don’t care about that shit. Because right now, I’m figuring out how the fuck I’m gonna propose to Chrysalis. Like, I’ve got one detail-

And that one detail is that I want to propose at the Great Galloping Gala, or sometime during Christmas, or sometime in between. I think it would just be cute to introduce Chrysalis to the concept of kissing under mistletoe and propose to her under one of those little things. Hell, I’ve even bought a nice, very nice suit for the Gala, that I hope Chrysalis would like. Am I seriously taking how I propose to a bug horse? Yes. Am I apparently attracted to said bug horse? Well, yeah, she’s fuckin’ pretty as fuck!

I guess being a horse myself, or technically, a pony, has changed my mental break up at some point, and made me find bug horses attractive. And not ponies, no, with some ponies I want to squish their face and baby talk to them. Like Fluttershy was fucking adorable! But I don’t think I would be physically attracted to somebody… Man, a year in and I still haven’t broken that habit, huh? I probably should get into the habit of using ‘somepony’ or ‘anypony’ but I haven’t purely out of habit. Oh well, what can go wrong with me not using two simple words properly, huh?

I stepped out of the castle and stretched. Man, what a good day to not be in the castle! By that, I jumped out of a window while going to another meeting I was scheduled for, and had hit the ground half an hour ago. This whole ‘nigh unkillable’ shit that comes with being an alicorn does have its perks. Unfortunately, I’ve got nobody to teach me how to fly, since that would require knowing people that weren’t changelings. And the only two pegasi that I know are Rainbow Dash, who’s not too bad to be around, and Fluttershy.

And that would require speaking to the Elements Bearers since I’ve got no idea where either of those ponies live. I could ask Chrysalis to teach me how to fly while she takes a pegasus form, but it turns out that even then, her wings work far differently from mine, and so her lessons will be all of naught. Oh well, if my ride in that chariot has anything to say about it, I’ll probably lose my lunch if I were to take a flight anywhere.

I started trotting down the street, because that’s a thing I want to do right now, which is getting as far away from Canterlot and its stupid as fuck politicians as possible. “Oh my god, it’s Prince Fruit Punch!” I blinked a couple of times when several ponies, about fifteen of them, all wearing masks that looked like my face, approached me, and started surrounding me. “It is an honor to finally meet you! I know you said during your coronation speech, that you don’t want any cults made in your name, but you must understand that we love you!”

All of the ponies in this cult were mares.

The lead mare wrapped a foreleg around me. “Come! Follow us to our sanctuary, you will enjoy what we have in store for you!” I checked my butt pocket for one of my muskets… because Celestia confiscated my shotgun after I threatened to shoot some bitch earlier. I pulled out a flintlock and grinned like an idiot. You fuckers do not worship me and expect to come out completely unscathed. One of you will die, and technically, I won’t be the one to commit the crime.

Eventually we entered an alleyway, a dumpster was moved, and I was led down a dark staircase that looked like I was being led into a cult type of thing. Actually, that’s exactly what’s happening here. God, you fuckers are lucky that I used my last pipe bomb on blowing up a random tree in the Everfree Forest, or I would’ve set one off right here and now… fuck me and my inability to remember anything that I need at any given point and time.

Holy shit, I have a brick on me. Okay that makes up for the lack of boom booms I can make. One brick is enough to knock out a noble or two, and definitely useful for bludgeoning a cult leader to death.

Eventually we made it down to… the cult room, where an effigy of me was standing over a cup of blood. “We sacrificed a goat for this cup of blood, oh might Alicorn of Blood and War, Fruit Punch. Would you be so willing to drink our offering and grant us wisdom beyond our years?” I blinked a couple of times, grabbed the cup with my magic, and sniffed it. Holy fuck, these guys actually killed a guy for a cup of blood- wait what the fuck?

“So you killed a goat, for this blood?”

“Yes we did, your highness!”

“What the actual fuck? Do not tell me you killed a kid, did you?”

“We did, your highness?” The leader cocked her head. “Is… that unacceptable to the Alicorn of Blood?”

“You killed a fucking child! Of course I got a goddamn problem with that! Like I hate children, but you shouldn’t kill some fucking kid, for an idiot who snorts dandelions and throws bricks at rich people for fun!” I snarled. “You have one way to redeem yourselves for this murder, you know. Either you beg for your life and you might be redeemed, or,” I pulled out the flintlock. “I give you this, and once a year, the leader of this cult must sacrifice themselves to me, your rightful god. Then, and only then will you be granted true salvation for the murder you’ve caused.”

“B-but isn’t there another way that is guaranteed? Surely, we can please you in some way either in bed,” the mares stripped themselves of their robes and revealed… lingerie. What the fucking hell is wrong you fucking maniacs? “Or something! Gold? Grooming? Anything! Just spare our lives!”

“Bitch, you just killed a kid. It’s either this, or I execute you for breaking the law in such a fucked up manner. Be lucky that there is even any sort of salvation. I may love blood and death, but I cannot, cannot justify the death of a child in any way. And any followers who think that they can justify killing a goat’s kid, do not deserve to follow me, let alone be alive.” I pointed the flintlock at the leader and zapped it with some magic. In mere seconds, multiple flintlocks, enough for everybody in the room, magicked into existence.

“Well?”

“Your highness, your left eye’s glowing red… that is very sexy.” Wat.

“Yeah, because I’m pissed off- also flattering me ain’t saving your ass. Then you have the audacity- like fucking christ, even I have standards as to how far I’ll go with some shit, and you think I would be okay with you killing somebody, telling me they’re a child, and having me drink their blood? There is legit nothing you can do other than this shit!” I pulled out my walkie talkie. “Celly, what’s the penalty for killing a child? Because I’ve got fifteen idiots who killed a kid in my name.”

“W-what the? Fruit, where are you right now?”

“In some random-” Celestia immediately teleported in and quickly saw the cup of goat blood. I noticed that she had some lipstick on… what was she doing? Maybe she and Sombra were about to have some sexy times. The alicorn’s face was pretty damn stern looking, but it was understandable given the situation. Her eye twitched a couple of times before slowly landing on all the mares, who were shivering in fear. “So, am I allowed to kill these asshats?”

“Y-your highness! That stallion is threatening to force himself upon us! And is trying to get us to drink goat blood!” The leader shrieked.

“Fruit, execution isn’t legal in Equestria, but in this case, I believe execution should be legal. They’ve killed a child, correct? And they are now making youseem like the villain.” I pulled out a tape recorder and replayed mine and the leader’s conversation. “Well, you are free to punish them in any way that you please. You are a prince, the Alicorn of Blood. So you may do what you wish to your followers.” Celestia leered at my followers.

“I am quite disappointed in you ladies. I may, however, give you a second chance-” whatever she had to say were drowned out as every single flintlock in the room went off. “Fruit.”

“What? Fuckers like that don’t get second chances!”

“I know, but you could have allowed me to finish speaking before you pulled the trigger. I was going to offer them an out, which would have been banishment.” Oh, that would’ve been good to know a while ago. Like, before I just murdered fifteen people. She blinked and looked at the sheer amount of weaponry in the room now, mostly my bootleg flintlocks.

“I have not seen weapons like those before, aside from your ‘shotgun’ as you call those explosive sticks. How do you have so many of them?”

“I made them multiply.” Celestia’s jaw dropped.

“What? You can’t create or destroy energy, and the air around us has energy in it. So I decided to manipulate it into a bunch of metal and what not.”

“Fruit, do you not understand that you’ve invented a spell and seemingly perfected it?”

“Yeah, I did that by accident.” Celestia shook her head. “Is that a bad thing? I think I got the magical equation in my butt pocket somewhere.”

“Fruit, if you were to let that spell out to the public, you would cause mass inflation. For instance, what is one thing many, many ponies desire?”

“Somebody to have se-”

“Besides that.”

“Happiness?”

“Some say this can, or cannot buy that.”

“Bitches?”

“Fruit, it’s money. It’s money you, imbecile.”

“Oh.”

“So if you give a gifted unicorn that spell, what would happen?”

“Oh, yeah, inflation’s pretty bad. Should I burn the spell?” I pulled out a bag of chips and duplicated it with the spell. “Want some?” Celestia shrugged and took the duplicated bag. She raised an eyebrow at how well recreated the bag of chips was.

“You know, considering what you can do with this spell, I’m surprised that you have yet to abuse it.”

“Nah, I just abuse it when I want more chips, but don’t feel like going to a vending machine. So I kept a bag of chips in my butt pocket and duplicated it when I wanted them. It’s really effective at fixing my cravings- I want Oreos now.” Celestia chuckled.

“You do not understand how angry this will make Twilight and Sunset Shimmer. The two of them have been trying to make a spell similar to this, and have failed many, many times. It’s one of the reasons why Sunset Shimmer fell,” Celestia said as we left the cult room and covered it back up. “How has your progress with Sunset been, anyways? I highly doubt you’ve been successful given how you usually act around other ponies.”

“Oh, I got her to speak, she’s even a good friend of mine. I gotta say, I think learning magic directly from you, is quite a stressful position.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Oh, Sunny fell to the dark side of how much pressure she was feeling from the whole thing. The desire to improve and gain approval, the lack of growth and you being somewhat absent in Sunset’s teachings beyond a few check ups here and there. I dunno if you changed since then, since Twilight hasn’t gone mentally insane yet, but you know, she might.”

“Well I have changed up my teaching methods after Sunset stormed off. Though I doubt that Twilight will remain sane if you talk to her with that voice, again.”

“I know, it’s why I do it on occasion while around Twi. Because she takes the piss outta me, so I take the piss out of her.” I stopped. “Say, can we get my title of ‘Alicorn of Blood’ changed? Because like, I don’t want a repeat of whatever the fuck just happened.”

“I suppose we could… You did not request that goat's blood, did you?”

“Celly, you should know that I have standards. I don’t actively kill people for fun, I’m mentally ill, not a sadist, and the only person I’ve killed was Tirek, hence the wings. I’ll be nice to children for the most part, at the very least, I won’t request the death of a child for fun.”

“But you will mentally torture somebody with that… ‘customer service’ voice?” I nodded. Celestia sighed in response. “Well come on, Twilight has told me to send you to Ponyville at noon. Something about testing your magical abilities now that you are an alicorn, and not just a randomly powerful unicorn that forgets that he has a horn and can cast spells.” Sunbutt paused. “How do you forget about your horn, by the way?” She asked as we teleported in front of Golden Oaks Library…

Fucking hell, I will probably die.

“I dunno, I’m not used to having a horn at all. I lived nearly my entire life without a horn, so remembering that I have a horn is pretty hard. Especially when I’m unmedicated, or when I’m high, like I am right now.”

The door slammed open and Twilight Sparkle greeted me with an overly eager smile. “Thank you, Princess Celestia for bringing Fruit Punch. Would you like to watch our sparring match? I’ve invited my friends and the entire town to watch! Surely having two alicorns battle it out would bring tons of onlookers!” Twilight then teleported the two of us into a colosseum that… was really just a really big circle of dirt.

I was on one end, and Twilight was on the other.

Chrysalis was tied up in a chair, screaming her head off about how this wasn’t fair to have her watch me get mutilated… and she was crying. “Hey, why the fuck did you tie Chryssy up?”

“Because she’ll interrupt the sparring match and get hurt in doing so.”

“Ah, she read my mail again. Then again, I can’t blame her for being mad, since she did pretty much just read a letter that can be summed up with ‘I am going to kill you, Fruit. And I will enjoy it!”

“What are you talking about? I’m just here to have a nice, friendly magic duel with you!” You lying bitch.

“Aight, go on three?” Twilight nodded.

All of Twilight’s friends were wearing ‘Twilight Sparkle’ propaganda. shit like foam fingers, flags, hats, the whole sha-bang… Meanwhile some rich asshat counted a mountain of bits. Oi, why the fuck were there zero Fruit Punch flags? Well, Filthy Rich and Diamond Tiara were waving flags at least, the elder of the Rich family present was waving his flag lazily, but enthusiastically. What was I doing again?”

“Go!” I tripped on myself as a purple beam of magical death flew over me.

“Princess Twilight is starting the match off strong, putting pressure on Prince Fruit! It does not look like things will end well for the Alicorn of Blood!” Pinkie shouted into a megaphone, which how the fuck did she get that, and why were there two of her? “Fruit Punch stands up and trips again, narrowly avoiding another attack from Twilight!”

“Oi! I’m supposed to be narrating here you pink fuck-“ Ow! She threw the megaphone at me!

I summoned my brick from my butt pocket. So far my bricks have not failed me, so like, it’s time to duplicate them and just drop a fuck load of bricks onto Twilight. I zapped Bricky the Brick and it multiplied into hundreds of bricks. Twilight’s eye twitched a couple times, I wondered why; it’s only a spell that I made before you could! and I grinned. “So let’s begin-“

Twilight came in like a wrecking ball, flying at speeds that would have put Rainbow Dash to shame. I tripped and sidestepped the incoming Twilight, and slowly started inching closer to Chryssy, who upon further inspection, also had a magic prohibiting ring on her horn. I magicked up a knife and started- what is keeping me from just yoinking the ring? I shrugged, magicked the ring off of Chrysalis’s horn and put it in my butt pocket for safe keeping.

“What are you doing?” Twilight yelled.

“Freeing my girlfriend from your crazy ass. Like I’m willing to bet Chrysalis was doing something perfectly normal, and you kidnapped her.” Twilight stomped the ground, which would’ve been impressive if she didn’t hurt herself by doing so.

“I was trying to knit something for my beloved stallion friend,” Chrysalis brought up her creation, which was in tatters. “And got kidnapped. I didn't touch Fruit’s mail for once.”

Twilight tried to zap me with magic, but I stuck the magic prohibiting ring on Twilight’s head, walked up to her, and hit her with a brick. “Go to sleep you crazy bitch.” Get fucked, stupid purple horse. Everybody in the stadium was silent, while Rainbow was screaming her head off about how unfair my methods were. “Hey Chryssy, wanna get food later? I’m thinking of Chinese tonight.”

“Do you not mean Guoxian? If so, then I would love to join you tonight.” Chryssy said as we walked away from the stadium and Twilight’s unconscious body. She gave me an awkward smile and held up what she was knitting. “I was hoping to give this to you after you were done with your duties, it was going to be a scarf, but somepony broke into my throne room and kidnapped me. And they ruined my knitting.” Chrysalis glared at Twilight.

“I mean, look on the bright side, you can take the opportunity to knit us matching scarves!”

Chrysalis did a tiny little ‘excited dance’ “Oohoohoo! An excellent idea, my dear! I shall begin once we get home!”

(Meanwhile)

Twilight sat up with a groan. “My head…”

Twilight Sparkle had ‘I smell bad’ written on her face with a sharpie. Permanent, magic proof, and waterproof sharpie. She looked at a mirror that was conveniently left near her front left hoof and screamed. “Fruit Punch, I will get you for this!

(Meanwhile)

The Cult of the Blood Alicorn’s leader got up, despite her aching wounds and laughed. “Haha! That was so sexy! Lord Fruit, I will sleep with you Fruit somehow! I will please you somehow, whether you like it or not- Ow! my chest feels like it’s burning.

(back with Fruit)

I feel a perverted, psychotic disturbance in the force.

Author's Note:

turns out I couldn’t dedicate one chapter to a magical duel or just a cult about fruit. so why not both? even got a little story arc(that will probably be forgotten about in 2 chapters) set up and everything with the crazy bitch at the end.

Her name is Obsessed Maniac btw.

Comments

[Flitterfloosh]

That was beautiful.

[Ezekiel Namuh]

Twilight?

Eat brick.