So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Pet Stories before Sunset

As much as Celestia wanted to keep me and Chrysalis locked in the dungeons, where we spent plenty of time making out and cuddling, thank you, she did have to let us go. For one thing, I was essentially Sunset Shimmer’s therapist, and politically, it would look bad to lock up your protectorate’s leader for no apparent reason other than ‘keeping her away from her boyfriend’. So, we were released, Celestia told me to never use my customer service voice again, and sent us on our merry little way.

So here I was, trotting through the castle, up to where Sunset’s room was(Celestia really didn’t want to call it a prison cell), with one of my timber wolves, I think it was Woody, but I’m not completely sure) with nobles and politicians running away in fear of my timber wolf. Oh come on you bunch of babies? Have you never seen a dog that is easily twice as tall as a midget? Well, Woody wasn’t just walking beside me, since like any dog, he was sniffing at anything and everything he could. He even sniffed at a petrified Royal Guard who almost pissed himself. This is where this chapter gets more fun, since for some reason, I keep getting complaints about my pets.

So while I walk up this stupidly long flight of stairs, allow me to just… tell you about them. Because I could teleport into Sunset’s room, but I feel like walking today and I kinda forgot that I could teleport. And I’m already on the first step, so now I have to finish the job. That’s right, we’re walking away from today’s main plot for a few paragraphs so I can talk about my timber wolves and tiny incidents involving them.

So this one time I decided to go to Canterlot Park and play fetch with my timber wolves. I brought the whole pack out, a bunch of toys, and other cool things. I was just tossing a ball for Woody while Scoob and Leafy were wrestling each other, Skitter was wrestling another wolf(and winning), while Scatter was having a staring contest with the last wolf. Obviously, I was having a good time, my wolves were doing photosynthesis, so they were full and happy little things, and by little, these guys weighed about three times as much as I did, and they were all about twice as tall as I was at the shoulders.

After I had tossed the ball some kid, some rich looking kid, walked up to one of my wolves and started playing with them. Cool, whatever, whoever this kid’s parents were, should keep an eye on him, but whatever. The funny thing is, my timber wolves were surprisingly gentle with the kid when they were playing with him, making sure not to bump into him too hard, flopping over at the slightest nudge from the kid, and the kid was having fun. So obviously his Mom and Dad came along and the kid gets this bright idea:

“Hey Mum?” Yes, he is British apparently, because he’s rich, so he has a British accent and dialect. “Can I keep this timber wolf?” The mother nodded, before walking up to me with a coin purse.

“Hello sir, my name is Fancy Shoes. My son would like to buy one of your timber wolves, please. I will pay you any price you ask for, without hesitation. So, here is the initial payment, now, Crocs, go pick out a wolf you want!”

“Whoa, hold it lady, I don’t know if you know this, but all five of these wolves are mine, and require a permit to own. I got mine,” I flashed a small badge with Luna’s stamp of approval on it. “From the crown not too long ago, hence why I own five of these good boys,” Woody promptly returned with the tennis ball I threw, dropped it on the ground, and stared at it while occasionally glancing up at me. He was panting somehow, his leaf tongue was hanging out the side of his mouth, but he looked so damn happy that I couldn’t help but pat the timber wolf on the head. “So not only would it be pretty damn illegal for you to own one of these wolves, the permit says I cannot resell any of my animals unless the person I am selling to also has a permit.”

“But I am paying you at least one thousand bits! The least you can do is be grateful that I’m paying you at all!”

I handed the bag of bits back. “M’am. I am not selling you one of my timber wolves, and I’m not doing this because I legally can’t. I’m doing this because they’re my pets, my friends. I ain’t selling them to you even for the billions of bits in Celestia and Luna’s personal funds. Back off before I hit you in the head with a brick!” I grabbed Woody by the neck, who was now snarling at the lady, along with the other four wolves I owned. “No bud, no killing the stupid lady, we’ll get arrested and put in jail for a very long time if you do.” Woody blinked, nodded, and licked my cheek with that adorable little leaf tongue of his.

“That’s it! I will see you in Day Court, you bastard!”

So I got dragged along into daycourt, after sending Scatter and Skitter home with my pack(woohoo so much for playing with my dogs today), and was now seated before Princess Celestia, who was reading the documents for this little case. She gave a warm, very clearly not real smile(to me at least, but I’m used to Celly, not Princess Celestia) and looked up from the documents. “Allow Princess Luna to show up, she will be able to verify that Fruit is the rightful owner of his timber wolves, and then we will read over the terms and conditions of the permit that Fruit has in order to keep his wolves.”

Luna walked in shortly afterwards, with the night hat on, and she looked tired as fuck. But one sip from a coffee cup and she was alert and wide awake, while still looking like she was about to pass out. Without a word, Luna looked at my permit and nodded. “That is in fact, my seal, my signature, and a permit I made for Fruit Punch exactly one week ago after I returned from Nightmare Night. And allow me to state the terms for my friend, Fruit Punch.”

“Lemme guess, no selling my wolves to non-permit holders. I am fully responsible for feeding, housing, and training my animals. I’m also responsible if my animals are to harm, maim, or kill anybody. I am allowed to walk around with my animals while they are unleashed if they listen to me, which they do by the way. I believe I haven’t violated any laws, correct?” Luna nodded.

“You would have if you actually sold to Mrs. Shoes, as she does not wield a permit to own a pack of timber wolves. So I believe you are safe Fruit!”

“But I gave him money that he didn’t return-” everybody blinked when a mirror popped up and started replaying a memory, you know, the one where I gave back the bitch’s money. “To me…”

“So, what else can I do for you, Mrs. Shoes, is there anything else you would like to add?” The lady shook her head and was sent on her way. I, on the other hand, was told to stay.

“Fruit, when did you learn to project your memories?”

“I borrowed a book from the Ponyville Library and returned it not too long ago in the mail.”

(Twilight read a letter attached to it that basically said ‘hello, welcome to Mcdonalds, home of the Big Mac’ and she promptly had a panic attack)

Anyways, that was just one amazingly fun moment I had as a responsible dog owner, and it was awesome. I almost got put into debt for a million bits because of it. Now I’m bored, so let me tell you another fun story that involves my timber wolves during Nightmare Night.

So you see, Nightmare Night is basically halloween, but not exactly halloween. Somebody, for whatever reason, decided to throw eggs at one of my timber wolves, thinking they were just a bunch of ponies in timber wolf costumes. So logically, I had to restrain my wolves with my magic(with some minor aid from Luna and Chrysalis because I was struggling a bit), while I said egg throwing idiots ran away screaming when I started throwing bricks at them.

The next day, because of course it’s the next day, the egg throwing idiots decided to try and sue me for assault, which was very quickly discharged once Luna started giving them the stink eye.

This one other time, somebody tried to tell me my dogs were bad, terrible, monsters that deserved to get killed. A moment later, the guy has a brick embedded a couple inches into his skull, and fully knocked out. Not dead, because that would be murder, and murder would be very bad. I made sure he was still alive before anonymously leaving him in a nearby hospital. You do not call my pony-eating timber wolves monsters, or I will make sure you do not enjoy waking up on a stretcher.

I wield the power of bricks, fools, you can’t stop me even if you tried.

Ah fuck, now we’re out of stairs. See you next time when we go down the stairs and I will tell you more fun stories that I remember when I walk down alone. For now, however, it is time for Sunset Shimmer’s therapy session. I told a guard my name and reason for being in the same tower that had only one prisoner- I mean resident. Because we weren’t keeping Sunset in this tower as a punishment for stealing somebody’s magical crown.

Not at all, we were actually going to give her a nicer room with a bigger window because we want her to feel welcomed. I knocked on Sunset’s door, and entered once given permission. What? She might be a prisoner, but I’m not a warden, I’m simply her really poorly trained therapist with an unhealthy obsession with learning human(and pony) psychology. Sunset’s room looked rather unchanged, but there were a few changes.

For instance, the once purple curtains were now yellow in color, the blue carpet was swapped out for a pleasant red, and it looked really nice. The rising sun, which lasts about six minutes here in Equestria, made the place have a nice, homely feel that I wish my shitty one room apartment had. Like the living room was the size of my whole house. There was another room off to the side of the room, that Sunset was now leaving.

She had a towel wrapped around her hair, another around her waist, which covered her rear end and tail. And the room she had just left was emitting a bunch of steam. Thank god that showering or bathing naked, or walking around naked, wasn’t a social fallacy here. Because that meant it wasn’t considered sexual assault to be walking in on this. Now, it would be kinda creepy if I were to keep staring at Sunset, but here’s the thing. I don’t stare at anything other than the wall on occasion while zoning out, or at Chrysalis when I get distracted and accidentally stare at her rear end.

That gets a lot of teasing out of my girlfriend. But the point still stands, only Chryssy takes up my attention when it comes to pony, or pony like, beings that I consider attractive and would like to stare at. I wonder what a shiny Chryssy would look like… bet it would be sexy as fuck.

“Good mornin’ Sunset, hope you don’t mind the timber wolf I brought with me.” The unicorn blinked a couple of times.

“I read that in the newspaper, you know. Somehow, you, of all ponies, manage to tame timber wolves, whereas most ponies who try to do the same end up dead or ’missing in action’.” Sunset sat down on the couch and reclined. “So, how is your day going so far, Fruit? Surely owning a timber wolf must be exciting.” Sunset reared up on two hooves, took the towel on her head, and quickly began to dry her mane out with it, before promptly tossing it in a pile of used towels.

Also, every single book in this room was marked with ‘read already’ or ‘uninteresting’, which probably isn’t a good sign. Ponies are about as smart as humans from what I can tell, so they need some good mental stimulation, or else they get bored, or go insane from having nothing to do. Especially in Sunset’s case, who remains mostly isolated from her own kind, and was isolated throughout most of her time on the… Equus-like-Earth. So the fact that she hasn’t gone completely insane yet says a lot about her.

Like how hasn’t she gone mad yet? Hopefully her sessions with me will help her out a bit.

“I own five actually,” Sunset’s jaw dropped. “And they are so fucking mellow. They’re like capybaras except capable of killing people in very horrible and painful ways. I spent an hour just poking Woody here, and he ended up licking my hoof. It’s only been what? A couple weeks after I got my wolves, and I fucking love them!” I chuckled. “I might even like them more than my guards.”

A paper airplane hit me in the back of the head and I read the note. “Alright, changelings are still way cooler than timber wolves. I love them both.” Another one hit me and I read it again. “Yes, I know, I am going to have to pamper you, Scatter, for saying that. Scatter, how would you like your dick sucked?” Another one hit me and it basically had ‘Where the fuck did that come from’ written out on it, and it made me snicker.

Sunset Shimmer, having not yet met my guards, blinked a couple times and tilted her head in confusion. Okay, seriously why would I be perfectly happy with having any of these guys as a pet if they weren’t… you know, incredibly intelligent to the point of calling them a ‘pet’ would be highly insulting to their intelligence? Like Sunset Shimmer, the very pony that threatened mine and Twilight’s way home, was staring at me like a puppy when shown something new.

I’ll introduce her to Skitter and Scatter later today. We got all day together, since I agreed to give Sunset a full day of therapy over just an hour.

“So, let’s begin, have you thought over what I asked you last week?” Sunset Shimmer nodded.

“I think… I think I know what I want now. I want to resume my studies, but in something less intent than being under Celestia’s direct tutorage. I love learning, I really do, but Celestia’s teachings are also really, really nice, but the stress that comes with the position is so… crushing.” I nodded and rubbed my chin.

“Perhaps you could explore Equestria and learn things as you go along. I can even request that your travel funds are provided and paid for. I have a lot of connections, mainly two princesses and a Changeling Queen, that might be willing to help you out in your endeavors. Perhaps I can even see if there are any advanced schools that would like to take you in. But,” I pulled out a soccer ball. “Let’s get you out of this room, I bet it sucks having to be stuck in this tower all day.”

Sunset Shimmer jumped on me, which alerted Woody(who then laid back down after realizing what had happened). Sunset jumped up, nuzzled against me while repeatedly saying ‘thank you’ and it made me kinda confused.

“Are you happy that you get to touch actual grass, or are you happy about the traveling bit?”

“Both! Mostly being able to get out of this tower and stretch my hooves. Did Celestia give you permission to let me out?”

“Nah. If she has a problem with it, whatever. You can’t use magic so there’s really no risk of you getting away anyways, plus I bet sitting up here all day sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yes! I don’t even get any books to read.”

“You had one last week.”

“It sucked!”

I then magicked in the whole Star Wars collection I bought during my ‘trip’ to the human world. “Read this shit then. I think you’ll like it.” Sunset’s eyes lit up.

“I will! I’ve been hoping to, but the school library was always fully checked out if them, and I wanted to actually pay for the books, but it was so expensive.”

I chuckled and patted Sunset’s back. “C’mon, let’s go on that walk, and then we can come back here and read the Phantom Menace together.” Sunset nodded and trotted beside me with a lot of spring in every step.

Good. This is a huge step up from last week.

We made our way out to the Royal Gardens, which were just really big fields with a couple statues sprinkled around, along with some flowers. Sunset sniffed a daisy before plucking it off the stem, chewed it with a gleeful squeak, and swallowed it. “Thank god! It’s been so long since I could just grab a daisy! I love them so much and… when I learnt that I couldn’t eat them as a human, I got kinda sad; I wouldn't be able to eat my favorite snack. Potentially, I wouldn’t get to see myself in the mirror as a pony ever again, and here I am, as a pony.”

“I can imagine, I miss cheese burgers, not really, but I do want one. Hay burgers are nice, but not the same, along with hay fries, they’re just weird. I wish I grabbed some Fun Dip while on Earth while Twilight was doing whatever the hell she was doing, but I didn’t. I find it to be whatever though, since fish is still common enough in the market for me to have some kind of meat every now and then. Plus it’s either this, or die sad and lonely and in debt. Here, I got a nice girlfriend that’s smoking hot, no debt, and I get to do pretty much whatever.

“So really, I am taking the lesser of two evils when it comes to the quality of life.” I tapped my hoof on the ground as I bumped the soccer ball with my head, and flinched when I felt my skull make contact with my tiny brain. “Have you ever thought of sitting down with a handsome stallion and having kids?”

“I have on occasion, but assumed I wouldn’t have the time to, since I would still be trying to become an alicorn under Celestia.”

“Well, now that you aren’t being held to that level of business, why not go out, date a couple ponies, and see if you find a lover. Don’t matter if it’s a guy or not, just find love, since we all suck, but love can make us suck less. You get to live your life, instead of confining it to a tiny little room while you read up on the newest way to slightly improve your already immense magical power.”

“You know… I could share you with Chrysalis.,” Sunset said while batting her eyelashes at me.

“Nah, we humans usually operate on this mindset: Find love, love the person you love, and only that person you love. It’s to the point where humans usually mate for life and usually only with the one mate; both must have complete loyalty to each other. I bet you’re a great guy, but Chrysalis is who I belong to,” I grinned and pointed at one of the guards watching you.

“He’s been trying to stare at your butt, but your towel is in the way. I think he likes how it emphasizes… something, I don’t know.”

“Wait, I left my… dammit. Now this towel will get dirty.” She paused and slowly started glowing red as she realized I had said. The guard that I pointed out, now had his helmet covering his eyes, since he probably heard that comment. Aw, I might have to try and set these two up on a blind date.

Sunset and this random guard would be a cute couple.

Comments

[DingoAte]

I wield the power of bricks, fools, you can’t stop me even if you tried.

Praise be the brick God! may she bless you with the power to wield, to throw, to mortally wounded your opponent with thin brick and to grant you the power to get away with it!

[Different_Point_Of_View]

(Twilight read a letter attached to it that basically said ‘hello, welcome to Mcdonalds, home of the Big Mac’ and she promptly had a panic attack)

[Hazard Trishula]

More
I want more

[Fireeaters]

She had a tower wrapped around her hair, another around her waist, which covered her rear end and tail. And the room she had just left was emitting a bunch of steam. Thank god that showering or bathing naked, or walking around naked, wasn’t a social fallacy here. Because that meant it wasn’t considered sexual assault to be walking in on this. Now, it would be kinda creepy if I were to keep staring at Sunset, but here’s the thing. I don’t stare at anything other than the wall on occasion while zoning out, or at Chrysalis when I get distracted and accidentally stare at her rear end.

*towel

[Fireeaters]

“I will! I’ve been hoping to, but the school library was always fully checked out if them, and I wanted to actually pay for the books, but it wss so expensive.”

was

[Fireeaters]

We made our way out to the Royal Gardens, which were just really big fields with a couple statues sprinkled around, along with some flowers. Sunset sniffed a daisy before plucking it off the stem, chewed it with a gleeful squeak, and swallowed it. “Thank god! It’s been so long since I could just grab a daisy! I love them so much and… when I learnt that I couldn’t eat them as a human, I got kinda sad; I wouldn't be able to eat my favorite stack. Potentially, I wouldn’t get to see myself in the mirror as a pony ever again, and here I am, as a pony.”

*snack
probably, I mean