So, Funny Story

by Nugget27

Nightmare Moon got Married

So, I decided to keep myself and Sunset Shimmer in Ponyville for the time being, because I figured it would be best for Sunset’s mental health if I get her away from her tower, and into the friendliness of Ponyville. Because, as it turns out, everybody that wasn't one of the Element Bearers, were sane individuals who were pretty friendly. So here I am, waking up in a five star motel room because the owner wouldn’t let me rent out a cheap room for me and Sunset.

We got separate rooms because I ain’t taking any chances. Chryssy would gut me if I were to sleep with a female that wasn’t her in the same room. Well, Scatter didn’t count, but that’s because instead of sleeping in the same room, Scatter uses me as a pillow while we’re out and about. I would know, since when Scatter used me as a pillow, I simply couldn’t move a muscle until she moved.

Because that would wake up Scatter, do not wake the precious cuddle bug.

So it turns out Golden Oaks Library, the library Sunny wanted to check out, was also Twilight’s home. And like, I’m banned from entering Twilight’s home because I was being a nice, upstanding McDonalds employee who cares about his friends’ days. So I think Sunset went out ahead of time, alone, to check out Twilight’s library. Meanwhile, I was left to my own devices because letting a criminal loose on Ponyville sounds like a good idea.

Well, I wouldn’t really call Sunset a criminal, sure she did do some illegal shit, but she wasn’t without reason. I couldn’t really judge her given that I still steal money out of vending machines, chuck bricks at random people, and accidentally summoned Nightmare Moon after accidentally performing a demonic ritual and promptly giving her a body on complete accident.

I stepped out of my motel room and blinked a couple times. Standing outside the door, Nightmare Moon and Chrysalis were having a shouting match that I somehow didn’t hear from the inside of my room. I blinked a couple of times after noticing that Nightmare… was wearing lingerie. What the actual fuck? “Nightmare, you are not going to repay your debt to Fruit Punch by being a whore-” Chryssy looked at me, magicked away Nightmare’s… interesting outfit, and walked over and hugged me.

“Should I even ask what the fuck you two were talking about?”

“I was hoping to repay my debt-”

“Forget repaying the debt if what you were just wearing has anything to do with it. For starters, I…” I pulled out a ring box. “I have something planned for a special somebody, and I don’t plan on being shared across two somebodys,” I stuck the box in my butt pocket and winked at Chryssy. My girlfriend stomped her hooves and ran in a little circle, which was adorable, thank you. “And I don’t want a harem, didn’t you score somebody at my coronation ceremony? Why not have them bone you and whatnot?”

“He got scared when he found me in his bedroom in chains, which is odd since that’s what anypony would’ve liked to walk in on a thousand years ago,” I smacked myself in the face with a hoof. “And then he ran off while screaming.”

“Nightmare Moon, you broke into a guy’s home,” Nightmare nodded. “When did this happen?”

“The night after your ceremony.”

“Do I gotta teach you how to court people? Because you’re supposed to get to know the fucker before you fuck the fucker, Nightmare Moon. Like, you can’t just expect to have sex with a guy you just met.”

“But-”

“I think Celestia had this conversation with Luna, don’t you… remember anything if you two were in the same body?”

“We aren’t the same mare, Fruit.”

“Aight, how about I teach you how to get a boyfriend, and you don’t try to get me to have sex with you? Because Chryssy isn’t gonna be happy about sharing me, and I don’t want to be shared; I am Chryssy’s and that’s how I want to be.”

“And if you force yourself upon my special somepony, Nightmare, I will personally ensure your demise. I do not give two horse shits, I will send you to the moon.” Chryssy, that is something I would have said. Good to see I’m rubbing off on bug waifu.

“Well… I suppose having a special somepony would be a nice distraction since I am not allowed to cause eternal night, according to Fruit.”

“If you cause eternal night in Equestria, you’ll kill pretty much everybody here!” I facepalmed again and jerked my head. “C’mon you dingus, let’s go find somebody you might be interested in.” Nightmare nodded and began to follow mine and Chryssy’s lead.

“You know, it still surprises me that you knew how to perform a ritual that brought Nightmare Moon a body of her own, and then managed to keep her from…” Chrysalis paused, not knowing the right words to be used here.

“Committing genocide?” Chryssy nodded. “Ah, well all I did was swear at a smiley face I drew, so I have… no fucking clue as how the fuck it brought Nightmare Moon to life. I don’t got a problem with her being a thing, but judging from earlier, I think I should be a bit concerned if I’m left in a room with her.”

“But modern ponies say wearing lingerie accentuates your form, making it easier to please and seduce a stallion. I was only trying to repay my debt,” Nightmare glared at me. “But those damned fools have clearly lied if I could not seduce you at a glance.”

“Well duh, I’ve got my eyes on Chryssy. Now, if I were to somehow get Chryssy to wear something provocative, I’d probably freeze up like a deer caught in headlights, and then Chryssy would laugh at me for freezing up. But that’s because I know Chrysalis, currently dating her, and y’know, in love with her. Meanwhile, I know you because I accidentally performed a demonic ritual and it gave you a body separate from Luna’s. So I barely know you, even if I think you’re not as bad as everybody says you are.” I paused.

Chrysalis pulled out a notebook and wrote something down. At a glance I saw ‘find way to seduce Fruit Punch’. Oh boy, I’m in for a fun time later.

“Well, you did say something during the coronation that went along the lines of ‘using Fruit Punch for self pleasure’ which isn’t very cool. But then you got distracted by that one stallion because ‘he had a cute rear end’ according to you, Nightmare.” I don’t want to be a part of a demon’s self pleasure scheme, thank you.

Eventually, we made it to the town square, where a majority of the crowd was again. Nightmare Moon caught a lot of eyes, but many were just assuming that she and Luna were still one and the same. After all, nobody really knows about the fact that demonic rituals may or may not have occured, and separated the two.

“So Nightmare, who is a stallion that catches your eyes?” Chrysalis asked.

“Well…” Nighmare Moon pointed at a brown stallion with an hourglass. “That one would be lovely…” the stallion then walked up to a blue police box, went inside, and the whole thing just vanished. “Moon dammit!” Nightmare then proceeded to look at and rate through several stallions based on appearances. “And you, Fruit, would be in the upper half of my rating results.”

“And you cannot have Fruit, as he is mine-“ Chrysalis got shut up when Nightmare accidentally tackled her and trampled her.

“Oh my stars, who is that?” Nightmare Moon pointed at some big, red earth pony towing along a cart full of apples. I stopped paying attention to help my girlfriend up. “He is absolutely dashing! Granted, he could use a bit of clean up, but I love a hard working stallion. Look at those legs!” Nightmare sat on her rear and clapped. “So tell me, Prince Fruit Punch, how would I go about seducing that stallion over there?”

“Aight Chryssy, you may need to correct me here and there, because of human customs and whatnot,” Chrysalis nodded, she had a slight limp from y’know, being trampled by a seven hundred pound alicorn. “So all you gotta do is get to know the fella. Go talk to him, learn about his job, his interests, hobbies, anything really. Just get to know the guy, a few weeks down the line, ask him out somewhere, and ‘boom’ you two start dating.

“And while you two date, you find things to do together alone, that isn’t sex, that comes later. Then from there, one of you proposes to the other, and then you get married. Then you can seduce the poor bastard, and then you two can have sex. It’s literally just becoming friends with somebody, but then taking the relationship to the next level.” I pointed at Chrysalis.

“We both started out as friends, became best friends, and now we’re dating.” Chrysalis now took a second to stop, pulled me in with a pegasus wing(she even transformed into a pegasus for this), and kissed me. “Case and point, now I get to have the girl of my dreams, any girl,” I grinned. “And I think I prefer said girl to be her buggy self.” I let my voice get nice and deep, and it made Chrysalis blush.

“Well, Fruit is kind of spot on with that. Though usually the mare proposes and asks the stallion out.”

I turned around and… Nightmare Moon was off, having a perfectly normal looking conversation with the apple pulling pony. “So, what do you think they’re talking about?”

“Nightmare is probably either talking about the night sky, or attempting to…” Chrysalis paused. “I think she’s just flirting with him, and in typical stallion fashion, it's flying right over his head. Well, not exactly, he’s getting… redder,” she shrugged. “I suppose we will be expecting little, red Nightmare Moons, to be running around and causing havoc, soon?”

“Yeah, c’mon, it’s been a damn minute since we’ve got to just hang out...” I grinned and got close to Chrysalis’s ear. “Alone,” I whispered.

“B-but we ‘hung out’ at the park a couple of weeks before your coordination. Then you spent the whole day hiding in my throne room because a mare tried to give you a wing hug… You nearly shot yourself with that boomstick of yours, by the way. In fact, you did shoot yourself several times during your coordination party and seemed disappointed every time.”

“Yeah, I can’t feel the sweet release of death when some rich asshole asks me about the weather. Or when some other rich asshole asks if I can make it so his shady as fuck business practice becomes perfectly legal. I loathe the nobles in Canterlot, a lot…” Chrysalis burped up a letter and she began to read it.

“Celestia wants you to cover her for day court again… something about ‘being sick’ and ‘Lulu cannot cover, is also sick’. I can come with you and watch from the sidelines… seeing you get angry at ponies for being ‘really fucking stupid’ is very attractive.”

“Ah, so you want to masturbate to my anger.”

“Well, that is one way of saying ‘admire’, my dear.”

“Aight let’s teleport then… What about Sunset?”

“I’ve been informed that she and Twilight are making out behind a book on advanced magical equations. I believe Sunset will be booked for the rest of today, and then-“ We both teleported. “We can come retrieve Sunset tomorrow, since I have a feeling that something more is going to occur between the two tonight.

(In another universe, Flash Sentry felt like he'd been cucked. And in another universe, in the future, Rainbow Dash feels that she’s been cucked.)

I plopped myself onto Celly’s seat, and groaned as Chrysalis sat in the corner with a bag of popcorn. Of course she would have some popcorn on her… I have a feeling that she got the idea of watching me from somewhere. “Go get them, honey!” Chrysalis took a hoof full of popcorn and shoved it down her gullet.

(Luna and Celestia were sitting in front of a crystal ball with 3D glasses, two alicorn sized bottles of Coke[imported from another universe{original recipe Coke with cocaine in it too}], and two alicorn sized baskets of popcorn with extra salt and butter. The crystal ball was on ‘record mode’ while Fruit called in the first partitioner)

“Name, problem, details on problem.”

“My name is Crab Apple, and I’ve got a problem with a business deal…” he pulled out several documents and I began to read them. “I’ve been trying to get Sweet Apple Acres to take up my offer on buying crab apple seeds from me, since I’m sure my seeds would line up perfectly with their apple orchard.”

“So… Do you have anybody from Sweet Apple Acres here with you to discuss why they won’t take your offer?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t know what to…” Scatter slipped me a document. “I’ve just got information that you’ve stolen all your crab apples from some random farm in the middle of nowhere. Is that true?” The stallion looked shocked.

“H-how you’d know?”

“Scatter, have some guards put this dingus in jail.” Scatter nodded and dragged Crab Apple away while he began to shout about how he’s sorry and how he’ll return the apple seeds.

“You know, Scatter was pulling a prank, correct?”

“Oh, fuck…”

“Well, apparently Mr. Apple did steal crab apple seeds, so we found a criminal by accident.

“Oh no, I was saying ‘oh fuck’ because that was a really good prank. I mean, yeah catching a crook is cool, but Scatter’s prank was cooler. I’m gonna frame one of the Elements for jaywalking.”

“You monster.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“Oh please, you hairless monkey!” Chrysalis then called in the next idiot. It was a stallion that looked like a rich, young idiot.

“So, I, Lemon Head, have this business idea that I would like you to fund! Have you ever had lemonade from a lemonade stand and thought that it sucked? Well, I have the solution! I set up professional, gourmet lemonade stands that sell glasses of lemonade for a good price! For ten bits a cup, you can have my amazing lemonade.”

“Gourmet lemonade?”

“Yessir! Have a glass!” As offered, a glass of lemonade floated up to me, and I took a sip.

“This just tastes like lemonade…” I took another sip and swished it around in my mouth. “And this is the normal portion size?”Lemon Head nodded. “Did your parents tell you that you should follow your dreams?” Lemon Head nodded again… his fucking cutie mark was a lemonade stand. “Okay, let me tell you about a funny little story.”

“Okay!” Aw, he sounded stupid and young.

“Once I had a dream about being a cactus.”

“What?”

“My point is, some dreams are stupid, and should be killed out behind your house, like a really old dog with a tumor, some dreams should just be given up on because they’re dumb. Tell me, what’s in your gourmet lemonade?”

“Sugar, water, and lemon juice.”

A ram fell through the roof. He was wearing a chef outfit “Jesus fucking christ, where the fuck did he come from?”

The ram grabbed the stallion by the face. “You tell me you’re selling gourmet fucking lemonade?” Lemon Head nodded. “Let me tell you, you fucking idiot. That is exactly what little kids make and sell on the streets! You’re fucking stupid if you think your business will take off with tiny glasses of overpriced lemonade! Ten fucking bits for barely even a cup of this shit, you fucking idiot.” He sounded Scottish

“Now c’mon, you fucking donut. I want to meet your parents and tell them about how fucking dumb their son is!” Lemon Head cried like a bay while the Ram dragged him out of the castle.

“How… Did Gordon Ramsey get here from the Crystal Empire so quickly?” I looked up at the ceiling. “Like he flew here!”

(Gordon Ramsey has the ability to sense bullshit restaurant/food/drink ideas. He heard the word ‘gourmet lemonade’ and knew he had to beat some kid’s ass with a belt)

“Don’t question it, Fruit. It’s been safe to assume that it’s magic in Equestria. You should’ve learnt that by now given how much your logic seems to die.” Fair enough, Chryssy.

Next up, Nightmare walked into the courtroom with the stallion from earlier. He was giggly, blushing, and tucked under one of Nightmare’s wings. “Fruit Punch, I demand that you wed myself and Big Macintosh this very instant! I have the legal documents ready, and I am deeply in love with this little stallion. And he has an odd fascination with my legs, rear end, and mane and tail, so we have decided to get hitched!”

“Uh… I don’t think I am legally capable of doing that.”

Chrysalis slapped rings on both ponies. “I declare thee husband and wife!” Nightmare giggled with glee as she dragged Big Mac off to… probably her bedroom. Oh god fucking- so much for the slow burning relationship I thought they were going to have. Oh well, at least I don’t have to worry about Nightmares anymore.

The next few ponies that came in, got mad that they couldn’t talk to Celestia and left. A few came and asked me how I ascended, and Trixie came by to apologize to me and Chrysalis about how she behaved before her duel against Twilight. So I apologize for putting her in the hospital with my fat ass.

I’m willing to admit my faults if somebody admits theirs. Hence why I’m still mean to Twilight; she doesn’t get why I don’t like her(she asked if she could bisect Skitter or Scatter one time and got surprised when I said no).

And… I got a noise complaint from the Lunar Wing… Nightmare and Big Mac were being too loud apparently. In fact, I can hear them from here… Holy fuck, make it stop. I do not need to hear how Nightmare enjoys being chained up to the bed. “Fuck it! Day Court is adjourned. I’m going to shove a couple of forks in my ears!” I stormed out of the castle and proceeded to get wasted in a bar with forks in my ears.

Meanwhile…

Nightmare Moon pecked Big Mac on the nose as they played ‘Gathering the Magic’ together in their room. And Big Mac had chained up Nightmare Moon’s character. The two were very happily married. While Apple Jack sat back at Sweet Apple Acres with an orange screen of death in head while holding a message from Nightmare Moon:

“I married your sibling, he is mine now. Worry not, I will return with him on occasion should you desire the help, peasant!”

Author's Note:

What? Did you think that Big Mac and Nightmare were having sex? kinky, but no, they aren’t ready for that yet.

also i got like 3 other chapters in the works, which is cool

Comments

[Fireeaters]

That's not the MtG I know

[Amos Anon]

“Do I gotta teach you how to court people? Because you’re supposed to get to know the fucker before you fuck the fucker, Nightmare Moon. Like, you can’t just expect to have sex with a guy you just met.”

I was giggling uncontrollably like a prepubescent schoolgirl after this paragraph.