Analyzing alpha wallet and mining custodial contracts
Button sat in his last class for the day, Mr. Cranky Doodle's algebra, when his phone buzzed. It was the double-buzz vibration that he had assigned to his mom's phone number, and to no one else's. Crud. Why was Mom texting him? She knew he wasn't allowed to check his phone in class!
"Mr. Doodle?" Button said, raising his hand. "Can you please show us the derivation of the quadratic equation again? I've forgotten the middle steps."
"This was on the last exam," he grumbled before turning to the board and starting in with a piece of chalk. "I should make you come up here and..."
Mr. Doodle mumbled and grumbled as he drew a parabola and started the derivation.
Button slipped his phone from his pocket and looked at the message from Mom:Broke a crown driving to emergency dentist thunder loom will pick you up from school, orange British car siri send message siri god dam it siri send message siri siri why you little punt
Ugh, Button thought, slipping his phone back into his pocket. Mom's new boyfriend.
"Eeeeeeeeeeee!" Scootaloo screamed. "Thunderlane? He's a pilot with the Blue Angels! Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!"
They were all standing outside of CHS, in the milling crowd of underclassmen waiting at the traffic lane for their rides.
Sweetie Belle grabbed Button's wrist and turned his phone so that she could read the message. "'Orange British car?' That's vague."
"I bet it's a McLaren," Scootaloo said. "They're British and their color is orange."
"It's pronounced 'muh-clair-un,' you illiterate scooter jockey," Apple Bloom said. "Not 'mick-lauren'."
"Let's go to Button's house with him," Scootaloo said, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "I wanna meet Thunderlane!"
"Pffft," Sweetie Belle said. "You'd settle for smelling his gee suit."
Scootaloo nodded.
Rarity pulled up in her Honda and rolled the window down. "Come on, girls, come come, we're going to be late!"
Scootaloo pointed at Button. "Get a picture of the mick-lauren for me."
Apple Bloom turned red. "Ya did that on purpose!"
Rarity drove off, and Button stood alone in the crowd.
An orange car came around the corner, inching forward in traffic, the driver tall and with a high-and-tight mohawk.
Ugh, Thunderlane. Button snapped a pic and texted it to Scootaloo.
Scootaloo replied almost instantly:What the heck that's a Reliant Scimitar not a McLaren! 🤬😡
A few seconds later, a text came in from Apple Bloom:What did you text her? She's ranting like Sunset after losing on a Twitch stream.
Immediately followed by a text from Sweetie Belle:She doesn't want to sniff his gee suit anymore.
Thunderlane pulled up and waved at Button. He trudged over and got in. "Where's the seatbelt?"
"Seatbelts are for ejection seats," Thunderlane replied, "not cars. Your mom asked me to pick you up."
"Thanks."
Thunderlane popped the clutch and swerved into traffic.
"I'll drop you at your house and hang out until your mom is back from the dentist."
Button nodded.
"What the heck is with that spare bedroom?" Thunderlane said. "All the fans sound like a flight deck launching an alpha strike."
"I'm doing pump-cloud proof of work," Button replied proudly. "I had to have the electric company bring in a dedicated transformer and meter!"
"Crypto shit?" Thunderlane asked.
"Crypto isn't... poo," Button huffed.
"Your mom isn't here, and I'm a naval aviator. You can say 'shit'."
"I'm using a sixty-four GPU cluster to capitalize composable balances for auditing my serviceable hash functions."
"Are you the scammer or the scam-ee?" Thunderlane asked as he changed lanes to pass a bus.
"I adapt proof of work ratios for scraping block anonymity."
"Scam-ee it is." Thunderlane frowned. "Your mom better not ask me for money to bail you out or pay the electric bill. It's over a hundred degrees in that room, with the window-unit air conditioner."
Button raised his nose. "We use celsius degrees, because crypto is an adaptive unregulated consensus science. And I keep it under forty degrees."
"Celsius went out of business and all the investors got screwed."
Button shrugged. "Yeah, that hurt, but you have to have skin in the game."
"You make NFTs?" Thunderlane asked.
"Mostly I trade NFTs." He thought about the photo he'd sent to Scootaloo. "I'm going to make one of your car, though."
"NFTs are just ugly cartoons."
"NFTs are the intellectual property of the future!" Button shouted, Thunderlane's needling finally starting to get to him. "I sell algorithmic protocols!"
"NFTs are like the old-fashioned multi-level marketing schemes selling Mary Kay and tupperware and dildos, except for virgins."
"No no no! Not at all!" Button smacked a hand on the dashboard.
"So you're not a virgin? Color me skeptical."
"I compute front-run anti-dump seeds on the blockchain to allocate abstract percentages and exchange asynchronous crypto for real Earth dollars!"
"How many Earth dollars have you made so far?"
Button looked at his phone, punching up his wallets, and frowned. "Seven."
"How much did your mining rig cost?"
"More... than seven? Look, the market is volatile. Yesterday I had ninety-three million in my wallets."
Thunderlane merged onto the frontage road, eschewing the freeway, which was gridlocked with afternoon traffic.
"Oh! Look!" Button smirked. "It just jumped up to four hundred and nine thous—aaaaaand it's gone."
"It's volatile?" Thunderlane asked.
Button tapped some commands in his phone. "I just algo-traded some absolute blocks and locked in some gains!"
"How many gains?"
"Four hundred dollars."
"Well, you're ordering dinner tonight, Warren Buffet," Thunderlane said. "I could go for a steak."
Button whispered, "Nnnnnegative four hundred dollars."
"I've hauled fuel-air bombs that were less volatile."
Scootaloo texted just then:How is the car?
Button replied,Hot and sweaty, no air conditioner. A seat spring is poking my rear.
"Texting your little girlfriends?" Thunderlane asked.
"They're friends who happen to be girls."
"Yup. It's the right kind of multi-level marketing for you."
Button looked out the window, fuming. "Look," he said, turning back to Thunderlane. "Maybe you just don't understand The Blockchain."
Thunderlane pulled into the driveway of Button's house. The parking brake—Button noticed it bore a small sticker reading `arrestor wire`—made a metallic screeching noise as Thunderlane engaged it.
Thunderlane shook his head and chuckled. "Okay, explain it to me."
"The blockchain authorizes segregated benchmarks, rehypothecating nonced eye-see-oh, enabling trades of cross-chain liquidity by cryptojacking off-chain key—"
"Do you know what I cryptojacked last night?" Thunderlane interrupted.
Button blinked and shook his head.
"Your mom."
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Crypto is absolute bullshit.
11446478
Thunderlane would agree with you.
Next on: Thunderlane helps Button's mom with Button's gaming addiction.
This is pretty fun. I'd not mind seeing more of these two's adversarial relationship.
Alas, poor Button. He is the perfect in-universe representative of crypto-suckers. Hopefully he'll become older and wiser and put that rig to a more constructive use. (Or at least flip it for more than negative four hundred bucks.)
11446506
Let's hope he never tries gambling.
11446479
Thunderlane knows what he's doing.
(It's Button's mom.)
All hell is going to break lose when people finally realise cheap GPUs can run decent speed quantum optical hologram convolution filters, where you just invoke the solution format required, throw in a random number, and it gives you the solution.
Especially when someone points out its just like selling a ten cent spacial light modulation hologram plastic sheet thats got th algorithm encoded into it, and for 64 bit you only need an 8*8 light array which a home computer from the 1970s can generate in a fraction of a second.
Intrestingly enough, the use of a hologram for a convolutional search function was also proposed and demonstrated back in the 1970s, but you cant black box license and access restrict that kind of tech as easily as quantum particle processing.
But thats Mining. the blockchain though is goverened by its history, and the Published Blockchain hashes go back to newspaper entris in the 1990s. So if you truely awnt to hack the blockchain history, you have to hit the Library of Congress amongst others, to delete or alter those historical newspaper entries amongst many others.
Oh well, what do I know. I support a computer system thats been erased from history even though it helped create a fair bit of that history.
Commodore
Amiga
Operating
System.
Miracles we do at once, the impossible takes a little longer.
Really, a Scimitar? Id have thought it wouldve been the Robin, cos of Thunderlane cclaiming to be Spitfires Batman.
¡CryptoCurrency, BlockChain, and NFTs are the gifts that keep on giving! By the way, ¿would you like to buy a TulipBulb?
I may be mumble-mumble years old, but I never get tired of a good your mom joke.
Maybe it's just me, but the whole crypto crap currently going on just plain strikes me as the digital equivalent of The Emperor's New Clothes.
Nobody wants to admit they don't have a clue what the buzzwords being thrown about by the fast-talking salesmen really mean, because they're so paralyzed by the possibility of looking ignorant in front of others.
So they just nod and smile politely, and pretend they have some idea about all the gobbledegook being thrown around like grenades in a war zone at the speed of an auctioneer speaking.
And when they actually buy into the hype, they don't want to admit they were wrong and look like the sucker they are, so they double down on the belief that they're right, and defend their being taken to the cleaners like they've been brainwashed into some sort of cult, attacking anyone and everyone who questions their certainty with all the viciousness of a rabid attack dog.
All because they'd rather lose their life savings on an obvious scam, than be embarrassed by admitting that they aren't as smart as they'd like to think they are.
11446572
The fact that the bullshit generator and the real thing sound indistinguishable is a good hint.
11446575
11446572
¡That is very insightful!
I wrote the code for an NFT project last year. It's a little amusing that nonce is short for "Number ONly used onCE," which is occasionally useful in cryptography. But nonce is also British slang for an adult with shall we say an unhealthy fondness for children.
That can lead to some awkward conversations.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
11446572
Again, having written the code for a blockchain project...I can assure you firsthand that some of those salesmen you're talking about also don't know what the buzzwords they're throwing around mean.
If anybody is curious enough to bother to ask, I can probably explain what all this stuff really is and how it works in plain English. It's not as complicated as the people trying to take your money make it out to be.
11446591
Why does that smartassed Celestia profile picture work so well with what you're saying?
11446598
Because everypony loves Best Princess.
On the contrary, here at PippCoinTM, we are committed to sustainability, and we understand the impact our waste heat has on the environment.
That's why all the waste heat from PippCoin servers are used to heat water for my patron-only hot tub streams~!
You don't know how many times I've accidentally cussed out my mom (the Queen of Zephyr Heights lol) because of this.
But voice-activated text-while-flying is still really useful; don't EVER text while flying, Pippsqueaks!
LMAO I wish the Marestream had seatbelts. Big sis, bless her heart, is SUCH a bad driver.
This story was surprisingly relatable for me! Much love, Sock!
11446572
It's not just you. We're seeing the whole crypto ecosystem collapsing in slo-mo, and it's becoming clear that they're all corrupt, incompetent, and high on their own supply of farts. I think bitcoin's more likely to be $2 than $20k a year from now.
11446506
But what about the next triple A game that requires a mega battlestation!
Not bad. It reminds me of this gem:
11446572
As someone who has invested into it and does things with crypto, yes you are right there is a absurd ammount of Emperor's New Clothes going on.
NFTs are a pretty good example. They are good for a few things, but they are not at all the absurd investment and insane opportunity so many crypto bros make them sound like. They are just a fancy way to register ownership, that's it. All they should be used for is things like concert tickets or contract verification. Not Gold 2 loke people claim.
Of all the stories I've ever read, this was definitely one of them!
I feel bad for Botton Mash. Good kid tricked by Crypto. Maybe someone can try to talk him out of the scam(hey Thunderlane there's a video by Idea Folding you can share to your possible future step-son)
The concept is by default abusive
I rather not see it in Mlp, which is about unity and support, not exploding others...
Crypto can go to Tartarus and rot.
11446969
Satire can't pull punches or it falls flat, sadly.
11446986
*Looks at wikipedia:
*Looks at story:
Allright then
11446991
LOLOLOLOLOL
11446551
At least it was not a Peel
11446575
I dunno... The linked CryptoWank Generator site gave me this lovely gem:
shill exchange cryptocurrencyDon't get on Sunnybunny's ranting level. She will destroy you with PURE GAMER RAGE.
lol, yes
11446969 But I like explod- OHHHHHHH, you meant EXPLOITING others!
Yeah, I don't like that. Blowing people into meatly bits? AWESOME! Being a bankster shill? LAAAAAME!
11447004
I knew exactly what that link would be; Still threw up in my mouth a little. The mid 20th century was a weird time for british cars, I tell you what.
This gave me a much needed chuckle, so please have another upvote!
LOL, interesting.
11505315
This is how I get my crypto-bot ban counter incremented by +1.