• Member Since 30th May, 2020
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Why do only fools and ponies work?


Rob the earth pony has not had an easy life. Alongside his crippling social anxiety, dead-end job, and general poor looks, he also suffers from a severe aversion to a certain facet of songwriting. Sure is a good thing his fellow citizens of Maretime Bay aren't prone to bursting into spontaneous musical numbers!

... Is that an electric guitar I hear on the horizon?

A surreal (horror?) comedy about xenophobic radicalization.

Warning: Contains excessive and potentially traumatic quantities of rhymes! Caution is advised!

Proofread by PoisonClaw and Max Bet.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 34 )

His name's bob.

I was chuckling all the way through. :rainbowlaugh:

This was an amazing mix of gut-busting comedy and actual world building. I jumped into this honestly expecting a low-effort crackfic and instead got so much more.

(Incidentally, on Rob’s name woes: It actually seems to me that names that “thematically aligned with their foal’s future personality and career choices” seem to be a relic of G4 history. In G5, we’ve seen plenty of names like Izzy and Phyllis and Dahlia and (in the comics) Felicity— names that real life people would actually give their children. And even the ones with G4 style names like sugar moonlight, it has nothing to do with their personality or careers)

Love it. Love it. Love it. Instant follow.

Yikes, this is both funny and very unsettling.

Omw so well written, BRAVO!!


I haven't even read this yet, and I already feel on the spot.


I got so drunk once I did karaoke of the entire Backstreet Boys Millenium album.

I had, nor do I yet, have any shame.

I have to say, you did a good job
On this story, about poor Rob
who found his place within a mob
in a musical like Les Miserables

Huh. I always thought he was Hosstralian.

A Nickel's Worth Of Free Advice

1) Go into your account
2) Get into "Groups"
3) Arrange them by members
4) Join every group that will let you post in their group.

This is the 2nd best way to increase your number of readers. (Best is to label it "Porn".)


I laughed, but then I kinda panicked. Then I laughed again.

On top of that, the music that he had previously identified as a war march was actually just a generic electric guitar riff

My inner Boston and/or Nirvana fan: TRIGGERED

…Jokes aside, thanks for the entertaining read! (I would've made that a rhyme, but it was taking too much time.)

Thanks for all the comments, guys!

*GASP*, look at this guy! His name's Rob!

I actually did consider using "Les Miserables" as a rhyme, but alas, the original French pronunciation is closer to mizzer-rob-BLUH. That BLUH effs it up, since I wanted to use perfect rhymes as much as possible (like the lyrics in the movie!)

Having said that, I definitely reached a bit with "clairvoyance" and "destroyments". :twilightblush:

Now this is an interesting point of discussion! In the movie itself, "Rob the pony" is credited as being voiced by "Robert Cullen" - presumably the same Robert Cullen who directed the film. You can hear him speak here and he's quite clearly Irish. It can be confusing though, because the person voicing Rob in the ANG soundtrack version of "Danger, Danger" is different, sounding more American.

Can you tell I've spent far too much time researching this?

Loved this all the way thru! You really deserve the spot on the front page featured fics that led me here!

Seems it must've been the foresight of the alicorns that guided their naming decisions in the past then, or, well, weird disastrous phenomena as with Flurry. But then again, Cadence is also an alicorn so...

Huh, Sprout fixed his phobia. Guess exposure therapy really does work.

Ow! I feel bad for Rob.

Sounds like a guy who didn't like musicals.

Funnier than that time Nikita Khrushchev was arrested by a squirrel

Equal parts delightful and horrifying. Sprout does have a perverse sort of charisma if you ignore all the… Well, Sproutishness.

Excellent work with both fleshing out a punchline and writing whole new verses to the mob song. Thank you for it.

Well that was interesting

Well that's a good (un)short one

I have to say from the initial premise and the image I thought this was a refrence to the sketch
"Brian's Hat"

His parents, for reasons he’d long since given up trying to understand, had decided to celebrate the occasion with a surprise flash mob of freestyle rapping clowns.

Quite understandable actions on the part of his parents, all things considered. If you are going to have foalhood trauma and phobias, may as well try and ensure it is a tractible phobia so as to short-circuit the possibility of getting something worse. Sort of like mental probiotics or vaccine if you will. Coulrophobia is perfectly cromulent and respectable phobia to have.

Almost as humiliating were the times when the teachers unwittingly did it themselves—suffice it to say Rob would never forget the conditions for “I” coming before “E”!

In the words of the late Jef Raskin:

"I before E
Except after C,
Unless pronounced A
As in 'neighbor' or 'weigh'"

Education is forfeit for reinforcing such rules!
Sound a feisty reveille while eyeing the schools!
Neither will our heirs be agreeing to deceptions
Once seeing, herein, these sufficient exceptions:

We were seized by a feeling
For fleeing on the ceiling
To a leisurely meal
With Keith, Sheila, and Neil

We drank madeira, so foreign, in steins
Along with a surfeit of weird blueish wines
Being foolish, took codeine, ate ancient proteins
Therein guaranteeing these ogreish scenes

Wherein we're canoeing to a new sovereign state
While deicing a kaleidoscope on a hot jadeite plate
And kneeing obeisance to an overseeing king
Our plebeian lips kissed his counterfeit ring.

Then we unveiled their sleight-of-hand trick
Deifying a heifer, with effect atheistic
And falling from the heights with a loud seismic crunch
We reignited the nonpareils we had heisted for lunch.

So I before E
Except after C
Unless pronounced A?
False decreeing, I say!


Rob’s friend count failed to reach the lofty heights of positive numbers

...eventually sparking innumerable debates, papers, arguments, counter-arguments, and tenured research positions to study the new discovery of signedness and its application to the number zero.

“You mean like the base form verb meaning ‘to unlawfully take possession of something’?” The mare in this case had been a Ponish teacher, but Rob heard similar (though less wordy) responses from practically every pony he introduced himself to.

I imagine Rob's shift supervisor, line manager, shifting line management supervisor, and HR at Canterlogic gave his daily time sheets a decidedly gimlet eye


I am really hoping that was supposed to be "corn". If not, does that mean miss (mister?) August was a rutabaga?

This is the first fic I've released, but hopefully not the last. If you liked what you read

Indeed, this was quite a fun read. Have a doot to bump your score, here is to you writing many more!

I can't help but feel that this story would be old Starlight Glimmer approved.

Looking at the driven abyss of Sprout insanity on the outside to only be dragged in.. there are less horrifying stories with the tag.

I have to wonder since mob mentality is temporary if the phobia correction is only temporarily forgotten. Perhaps a followup?

I suppose as a welfare state/town writing off something as incurable saves the tax bits. I'm pretty sure being trapped and forced to listen to anything on repeat is torture. Truly welfare, if this were capitalism they would be dragging Rob around indefinitely to Rob him of his bits.

As a Mormon, it’s extremely strange to hear someone mention Kolob, especially in this context. Did it show up on a list of words that rhymes with Rob or something?

Awe, poor Rob.
Good story.

Have a review! It's on here, prob. Pointed to this by Estee, and I'm glad of that. Lots of fun, made me laugh quite a bit, and impressive to turn one canon line into a whole story. Not sure the longer social realism bits at the end are ideal, even allowing for your A/N, as they slow things down a bit. But this is a minor quibble. It's a really fun comedy. Easy like, and I hope you'll be writing more ponyfic!

Well that was a silly moment!
"Indeed It was"

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