This story is a sequel to Running Off the Rails
Wallflower is attending a high-class garden party. It's been fun, but she has to leave soon and go back to her life in Canterlot.
She would rather not since that means dealing with somepony she would rather avoid.
Thankfully, she appears to be trapped in a time loop.
What fortuitous timing!
Now if only that pegasus would leave her alone.
Prequel reading is not required but recommended.
Suicide and Self Harm themes are present in this story but nothing overly graphic or explicit.
This story contains LGBT themes. Emphasis on the L.
Edited by LuckyChaosHooves
Pre-read by Scampy, Emotion Nexus, and The Sleepless Beholder
Image taken from Thursd article "Illuminating Your Bouquets". Photo by Kristoffer Myhre.
First. I'll edit my comment in when I read the story!
Okay wtf OTTER
The feelings are so deep in the story, and towards the ending I could really pick up on the despair of Wallflower. I didn't realize this at first, but the orange words are showing Sunset's phrases and sentences. Holy shit this hits me in the feels so hard
Also Flash is such a lovable idiot
My role as pre-reader is less to make the story better and more to inflate Otter's ego when I praise him for writing perfection.
Wallflower's self-deprecation and self- (pan-)loathing is voiced very well here. Everything else...
Flash's introductory joke toes the line with sexual harrassment (hi, how are your proclivities!), half the time he doesn't let her set the pace, how much he knows about Wallflower (or how to handle her) seems inconsistent, and she suddenly missing his 'reassuring presence' seems at odds with her impression of him up to that point. The opening dream is actually a memory? Which version of Sunset is that, and in that rose garden where does reality stop and memory or whatever-else-that-was begin? For that matter, which Wallflower is this? There's way too little information given here to make sense of the dynamic that is trying to be the emotional nexus for this chapter and the hook for the next.
...I'm not much impressed.
Later comments deleted -- follow-ups were productive for no one.
10984815
I suppose the first question is whether or not you read the prequel which fills in some of the blanks you pointed out, but for explanation purposes, I'll assume you haven't (If you have apologies for the assumption).
The train effectively takes on passengers who are having emotional or mental troubles in their current life, puts them into a scenario where they would have time to resolve or heal from their problems, then assigns a conductor to oversee and assist. The conductor isn't all-knowing but to be fair this information is implied not stated outright.
I'll give an answer to any extra criticisms below:
So, the joke I presume you are referring to is the escort joke which fair. I don't see it as bad as that, but understand if it came off as worse. I've removed the joke and replaced it with something else that still conveys what I need to move the story along. I'm very confused by what you mean by "hi, how are your proclivities!" since I'm assuming you mean he has a tendency to sexually harass Wallflower, but he doesn't ... ?
Seems perfectly reasonable for her to miss Flash to me. She's lonely, her thoughts are turning against her, and in hindsight, she would be missing having someone near her whose sole purpose is to be helpful. Based on the flow of the sequence that doesn't feel out of place.
Also, I'm not sure why there is confusion on which version of Sunset or Wallflower is present. It's the pony versions and I'm not sure why you would assume it could be the Equestria Girls versions. Even past that point, everyone is a pony, so it shouldn't matter "which version" it is in context with the story.
Overall, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the story. Have a good day.
10985212
I mean... It's just the first chapter. In my experience, playing all your narrative cards right off the bat means you have little to work with later. I don't seen this as a flaw in the story at all, moreso as a Chekhov's Himbo.
10987961
Um, Sunset isn't dead in this story... ?
I'll be honest your criticism is very confusing and you seem to be making assumptions based on one chapter of a sequel story whilst refusing to take the story as it is.
I would perhaps think it might be better to wait until other chapters are posted before assuming what the story is about or to go and read the prequel.
Okay, heads up. Going to try and get the next chapter posted for tomorrow, but due to some heavy personal stuff this week, the next chapter will most likely be delayed until Monday. My sincerest apologies.
Hello!
I am commenting since you requested comments in the https://www.fimfiction.net/group/215930/comment-club/thread/484654/cadance-slate-iii-comment-period-2021-dec-02-23.
Your use of colors for certain thoughts was a good use of this special online medium and it was appropriate for foreshadowing the orange thoughts' originator. It is an even more commendable tool because even if someone did not know anything about the show, you set up in the first few paragraphs that Wallflower was standing beside a "light orange unicorn", reminiscent of the later thoughts' color.
Wallflower seems to be sublimating the thoughts into her own consciousness and is moving from treating and using the aphorisms as external tool into incorporating same into her own psyche as a basis for developing a greater sense of self-worth.
Flash's mumbling in chapter 3 indicates Wallflower's suspicions are correct and suggests that this is not a traditional time loop since Wallflower isn't stuck in it alone. I realize there is at least one prequel to this story; however, I have not read it, so I am basing these comments on this tale alone.
CH1: Unfazed. Not "Unphased":
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unfazed
CH3:
Would this segment benefit from splitting it into 3 paragraphs? I was momentarily confused by who was speaking in the second quotation section (after focusing on the thought, the intended speaker becomes obvious but it seems better to avoid the issue in the first place).
Pointing this out in case it is not intentional. While I initially supposed it was intended to be an example of one character making an assumption and then adjusting... Morose Repose is also referred to as both 'they' and 'her' in the same paragraph by the same character. (also included in the example above).
Howdy!
Y'know, you did warn me that this story would be different than the last one, so I guess I should have been prepared. But I wasn't! At all!
Your Wallflower is fantastic. She pairs great with the bumbling Flash Sentry, and she has a believable sort of despair to her. Too often I find that authors go wayyyyy way way overboard when writing a depressed character, and end up driving the whole concept straight into the ground. This, I find, is a more realistic portrayal of someone trying to heal.
The structure of this first chapter is great. I love the bookending, I love the bits of advice from Sunset's pamphlets that are sprinkled in. You've done a wonderful job of centering this character's motivations in this story - Wallflower is a pony who has suffered a long time without any proper coping mechanisms. While her whole goal revolves around getting better, she often doubts herself. I like the way you've shown her forcing herself to do the healthy thing, sometimes failing. It's just a great balanced approach with a ton of space for growth.
I'm equal parts excited and nervous for the next chapter! If this was pleasure... I can't imagine what pain will bring. Yike
Oof.
I really like the way you used the opening to mirror the previous chapter, instead utilizing Wallflower's inner voice. It makes a great foil to Sunset's positive, firm voice in the intro. The way you've lead Wallflower into this part of the story works perfectly with her character - she's been looking for a way out all this time, and now finally has a reason to give up on herself and let her inner voice win. It hurts to watch, but it makes perfect sense. Flash's desperate attempts to keep her in line are at once fun and heartbreaking to read. Both characters are in great voice and, while I enjoyed the OCs in the first installment, I'm really enjoying the tighter focus on the central pair of this story. I just feel very anchored in this world.
I've got my fingers crossed for a cathartic ending, here, but I'm worried I'll have to wait a while before you reach it!
I had a sneaking suspicion that Flash was in on it! So glad he's here to help Wallflower. She really needs the extra support.
The middle section of repeating lines is really fantastic. I've loved the darker tone of this one overall, and that section just really sold it. Just goes to show how a single concept can be explored through multiple genre lenses - it can be a tough thing to do, especially by a singular author, but you've done a marvelous job! I'm already excited for the next installment to see what direction you take it.
It's hard to give an overall summary of a fic that is as yet unfinished, but I love the arc you've built for Wallflower so far. Once again, going back to that structure you used in the first chapter to show us how Wallflower is reconstructing her internal narrative to heal. You first showed us a regurgitation of Sunset's advice, then Wallflower's self-deprecation, and now we start to see the two blend together. It's a great concept, and a very thoughtful examination of the difference between healing and ignoring your issues. You've also written Wallflower as an interesting mix of headstrong and broken, a combination I wouldn't have thought possible, but that you pull off really well. Just overall I really enjoy reading your rendition of her :) Nice work!
I really hope to see more of this soon! I'll be bookmarking it and watching it closely for updates
great establishment of Wallflower's character, the lovable idiocy Flash in full bloom now that he is freed from being the perspective character, and the endings of the first and last sections. wow, you do know how to do a fantastic hook!
oh wow, Wallflower's downward spiral is just so much more horrifying to witness here than it was in the snippets i saw. and Flash trying to get the story "back on track", the irony in Wallflower's words to him, the line about the Rose Garden in the middle, all of it is so great!
this was so beautiful, Flash's power of friendship bridging Wallflower along until she could hear Sunset's voice again in her head. and it was a nice touch here that Wallflower has inherent magical abilities that are impressive to the ponies in her field, not to mention the really great details in the fictional plants they talked about (which just happened to be thematically perfect, which in a regular story would be a contrivance of storytelling, but here it makes sense in-universe as part of the train's machinations, how great is that?). really excellent stuff so far, and i hope to see Wallflower's story continue soon.
I don't often cry when I read stories. But I cried. And laughed.
The subtle horror of the orange words in the first chapter. Wallflower's deaths each time she gives up on herself. The black rose petals falling from the ceiling. Prune Shear's story was only obvious to me only when Flash first dragged Wallflower to him, and that knowledge didn't diminish the impact of his story at all.
I'm still crying. And laughing.
I just realized today that I'll probably fail one of my courses (or get at most a D, because the professor was willing to bend the grade for me) because I missed a midterm test. Be out of consideration for scholarships.
Anyways.
This is beautiful, and though the ending is abrupt and the story is marked Incomplete, it was an ending enough for me. Still, Wallflower will need to push through again. And again. And again. And that's alright. You probably had something in mind for the other compartments, and I'll read them if you ever decide to write them.
This story and its prequel are absolutely amazing gems. I’m so sorry to see this canceled.