Should've Called Her 'Deeply Concerned'
Ms. Cheerilee stared quietly at her class roster. There was, er, something wrong with one of the names on there. Something very, very wrong.
This has to be some kind of joke, Cheerilee thought. In poor taste. In abysmal taste.
She cleared her throat, and began roll-call. There was the Usual Suspects, sitting in the back row, muttering about their next big plan. Then there were the other two Usual Suspects, who were already snickering at the thought of ruining said plans. Then there were the third pair of usual suspects, who had at least been nice and quiet ever since the Ursa Minor incident, but had a tendency to get involved in any bad idea the other two had. Then there was Twist. Thank the Sun for Twist, the only filly in the whole class who could be quiet and studious and not wreck the whole town within a week.
She went further and further down the list, and then...well, it was unavoidable, really.
"Miss, er, Miss Toybreak?"
The little filly sitting in the front row smiled. "It's okay, Miss Cheerilee! You can call me Jailbait!"
"Do you know why I asked you to come here today?" Cheerilee said, as little Toybreak's parents filed into the conference room. For lack of a better term. Truth be told, it was just the classroom, but without any students in it. Ponyville's schoolhouse didn't exactly have any other rooms. Cheerilee had been trying to file for a budget increase and a real office for years, now, but--well, that's another story.
"Something about our daughter's name?" asked the mother, a missus Neverwill Toybreak. "I don't understand what the issue is."
"She wasn't misbehaving, was she?" asked the father, one Stick Switch.
"No, your daughter has been perfectly obedient," Cheerilee said quickly, smiling nervously.
"Oh, good. We're very proud of her, you know. She used to be such a wild child," Mr. Switch explained, "but we've been very thorough in disciplining her--"
"Anyway!" Cheerilee yelped. "This isn't about anything your daughter did in class, or anything. I just--well, I--look, her name raises...questions," Cheerilee said.
"Oh! I suppose the other kids are jealous?" asked Mrs. Toybreak.
"Wh-what--"
"Well, the Toybreak line has been famous for decades," continued Mrs. Toybreak, unfazed. "They've had their names on some of the most durable and long-lasting toys in the toymaking business!"
Cheerilee had to very quietly shut down a particularly unfortunate image that had popped into her head at the mention of 'toys'.
"Why, with the Toybreak brand, you can bet your bottom dollar that your playthings will last as long as the memories you make with them!"
"I understand, but it's not her last name that I'm worried about," Cheerilee diverted, smiling a little wider.
"Oh, you noticed her first name?" Mr. Switch said, grinning.
"Yes. Yes I did. I must ask, why did you think it was a good idea to name your daughter--"
"After the two best businessponies I know?"
"what?" Cheerilee squeaked.
"I know most ponies don't want to spend much time in a jailcell--"
Cheerilee's eyes widened. This is it. This is how my career ends. With a pony telling me all about their filly sex trafficking ring--
"But if they have, they'll agree that Jail Cell the Fourth makes the finest cells yet!"
excuse me?
"My brother--the girl's uncle--he's the expert of experts on building comfortable-yet-utilitarian secure facilities. His great-great-great-grandfather invented the term 'jailcell'!" Mr. Switch beamed, a single tear running down his cheek. "Truly, each bar is a work of art. I only hope that living in such a facility for a month or two is enough to turn a pony's life around."
"Um," Cheerilee said. "Um," she added. "But her name isn't Jail Cell," she finally explained.
"Of course. I did say she was named after two great businessponies. Her aunt Bait Switch is one of the best fishermares I know, and the most successful small-business-mare I've had the pleasure of meeting!"
You live in the same town as Rarity, Cheerilee thought, because that was the least confusing and least concerning objection she could think of, and dealing with the emotional whiplash was tiring her faster than Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo ever could.
"So, that's why her name is--"
"Jailbait Toybreak," said both parents simultaneously.
"I...see," Cheerilee muttered. "Did you, er, think about what that means?"
"Didn't I just spend the last several paragraphs explaining it to you?" Mr. Switch said. "Honestly, miss Cheerilee, you're a teacher. I expect you to have some reading comprehension."
"Well, but--"
"I'm sure whoever complained about it is just jealous," Mrs. Toybreak added with a sly grin.
"Jealous of our little Jailbait," Mr. Switch finished with a chuckle.
"She's just such a happy little innocent filly! You can't not fall in love with her."
"And so spirited, too!"
"That's enough," Cheerilee snapped, and both parents reeled back in shock, folding their ears and staring wide-eyed. "This has to be some kind of sick joke," Cheerilee muttered. "You're doing this on purpose."
"Doing what?" Mr. Switch said, frowning. "You still haven't told us what's wrong!"
Cheerilee stared at him, and something clicked. "You...don't know, do you?"
"Don't know what? Don't know what, exactly?" he replied.
"I don't see why you have to be so patronizing about it," Mr. Switch muttered as he followed Cheerilee into the library, with Mrs. Toybreak in tow.
Cheerilee had one very specific book, custom-ordered and shipped from Manehattan, for just such an occasion. It was, at this moment, sitting on a locked shelf in the back of Twilight's library; Cheerilee had one of the keys, along with Twilight's most serious lecture ever burned into her memory. This section was meant to contain vile spellbooks, terrible curses, and other such hazardous literature. That was the very reason Cheerilee chose this part of Twilight's library to store such an important and terrible tome.
"Not knowing the meaning of words is a serious issue," Cheerilee muttered, as she searched the spines of the forbidden textbooks for the one grimoire she needed most. For a split second, she feared that it had been lost, but then she saw it tucked behind a copy of A Thousand And One Asynchronized Nights.
The key twisted in the lock, and Cheerilee swiftly yanked the thick hardcover out of its place of exile, shutting the bookcase and locking it again before any of the more lively texts could jump off the shelf. There, on the front cover, were emblazoned the words URBANLY DICTIONARIE.
"I had this book printed by a specialist in these sorts of things."
"Is that why it's misspelled?"
"shut up. This book contains important knowledge about some very specific words. Words which don't come up in polite society."
Cheerilee quietly opened the book. She flipped through the pages until she got to one that had a J on it, then proceeded just a bit more slowly, until her target came up.
Quietly, both Mr. Switch and Mrs. Toybreak read the entry which was headed with "JAILBAIT".
They both looked quite pale.
"Well, I never--"
"what in Sun's name--"
"who would say--who would DO--"
Mrs. Toybreak was the first to faint, followed shortly by Mr. Switch. Cheerilee sighed, rolling her eyes. At least now all they had to do was find a way to explain to their daughter why her name's about to change...
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Yes. This is the kind of content I come onto this site for.
This story nearly made me pee myself.
10856552
10856517
my work here is done
i.pinimg.com/originals/05/5d/07/055d07fffee7fe8fbcdaa5350b7374e1.gif
Well considering we let kids some truly interesting names, I am looking at you Mr. Musk, I am not surprised at this happening. Now I wonder who will realize the unfortunate name first the disaster trio or the bullying duo?
Magnificent.
11/10 great delivery
Three weeks later, Cheerliee's name would be in all the papers and the foal's name would prove as prophetic as any other's.
I would like to note that Estee was the one mangling a character's name. I merely noted one permutation had the right flow for an Equestrian name, if with terrible contents.
It takes a long time to assemble a proper war golem entirely out of peppermint candy.
Brilliant touch with the source for the dread tome. Thank you for a delightful bit of madness above and beyond the Ponyville norm.
Some ponies are just that dumb.
And this is why here in Italy we have strict naming laws and we're not afraid to enforce them.
... wh... what else would we do?
*searches up two words* Oh I see
Yea that name's hella unfortunate
10856586
Any story that pairs up Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon with Snips and Snails is groovy.
10856586
They're not quite the Magnificent Seven, but give them time.
10856720
What if I wanted to name my child Princess peeka paka boo the first and possible only
10856979
When the officer stops laughing and realizes you're serious, they'll tell you it's illegal, and if you still want to do so they'll have to write it down and alert the authorities. If you insist, it gets to the judge that will give you the chance between choosing a better name or make them choose it themselves (usually the name of the saint of the birthday), and will make you pay the court costs. You can of course appeal all the way to the Corte di Cassazione (the Italian supreme court), but all you'll get will be mounting court costs.
A couple learned that the hard way in 2007, when they tried to name their child Friday, a name that, in Italy, is not only simply the name of a weekday (there's no tradition here to use weekday names as personal names, with the exceptions of Saturday and Sunday), it's the name of a weekday that tradition links to sadness and penitence and superstitions link to bad luck, and is best known for the character from the novel Robinson Crusoe, thus associated to be a subject.
If Friday failed simply because it lacked traditional spread (we actually have names that translate as "Chained One" and "Pained One" and are acceptable due long-standing tradition), "Princess peeka paka boo the first and possible only" will get you to trial and ridiculed when it hits the papers.
10856992
I'm surprised you took my question so seriously lol. But it is rather interesting. On one hand it saves kids from getting a stupid name, on the other hand I don't know how comfortable I am with a government having so much control that you can't even name your child how you want. If those laws only applied to strange ridiculous sounding names like the one I proposed then it would be fine. But rejecting Friday? That sounds almost tyrannical.
10857023
It's because in Italy it is strange-sounding. Domenico and Sabato (two male names translating as "Sunday" and "Saturday") get a pass because they have a long-standing tradition, and so do Addolorata (Pained Woman) and Incatenata (Chained Woman). Friday simply happen to lack said tradition.
And the law is actually less restrictive than it used to: from 1933 to 1966, foreign names were forbidden, while now they only need to be written down with the Latin alphabet.
P.S.: The law actually originates in France, and it was the Revolutionaries' way to screw with the nobles by sticking them with normal and non-grandiose sounding names (Louis XVI, for example, was turned into Louis Capet), and spread wherever the French troops went. Only later it was realized its potential to keep idiot parents from naming their parents Dude or Adolf Hitler.
10856663
oh, you made me think of the "dirtamancer" character in the online comic "erfworld" and one scene where he is making a bunch of "crap golems".
AND one looks suspiciously like Schlock from "schlock mercenary".
10857037
It shouldn't matter if a name lacks tradition. All names were new once. And regardless of strangeness people should have the freedom to name their own children. Even more importantly themselves should they decide to change their name.
P.s it doesn't matter where the law originated. Italy is the one enforcing it in this discussion.
10857048
The point is that we find certain names ridiculous, and the law prevents parents from subjecting their children to that... As long as their names have to appear on an Italian birth certificate. If that doesn't happen, it's not our damn' business.
As we say, "Country you visit, customs you find", and we happen to find "Friday" ridiculous and unfortunate, with no tradition to redeem it in the eyes of the law.
10857062
That's your point, my point is that it's an invasion of freedom. No one should have that much say in something as simple as a name. Find the name ridiculous all you want but the moment you have laws dictating what counts as normal and what doesn't you cross a line.
A. A. Milne, in one of his more, uh, autobiographical moments, noted that he was almost given the name David (his mother had always liked the name David). However, fortunately for him, before he was named someone noticed that (a) that would leave him with the initials D.A.M., and (b) at some point he would have to go to school (and, well, schoolchildren are schoolchildren and don't need a silent 'N' on the end of a word). So that was one case where this sort of thing was narrowly avoided. And, had it not been narrowly avoided, we might never have got Winnie the Pooh (though we may well have got something else in his place).
10857062
You can justify it how you want, but being unique does not equal ridiculous or obscene. Much like naming someone May or April, Friday is a very similar naming convention. Tradition can only be created if unique ideas are implemented, not squashed, and since this ruling you mention has no moral justification then all it is, as the other person pointed out, is tyrannical. Nobody wants a judge to name your damn child.
10857115
10857117
So in short one should be free to name their children "Jailbait", and let them be embarrassed to death in the name of liberty?
I justify nothing, I just explain how things are here and the reasoning.
And much like her aunt, Jailbait's name is also a great Bait Switch
10857131
That wasn't what I said at all, and you know that. I was referring to your example of the name Friday, and you getting mad over something I didn't say isn't making your point any better.
10857137
That's exactly what you said. In Italy, Friday evokes sadness, bad luck, and submission to someone who's supposedly superior for being born somewhere else, yet you say one should be able to name their child like that for their freedom. We say that the parents' freedom to decide what their child should be named ends at the start of the child's freedom to not be embarrassed by just saying their name.
If you get what I'm saying, fine. If you don't, or if you don't like it, fine anyway. Just don't try and convince me otherwise, for all I know is that a couple who tries and name their child "Jailbait" in Italy would be told they can't and why.
10857131
No one's advocating for names like jailbait. But most normal parents would never choose a name like that, even the parents in this story only chose the name because they didn't know what it meant. Well meaning creative parents who put alot of time into choosing a unique name shouldn't have their freedom encroached upon because there might be a parent who chooses an embarrassing name.
You're purposely missing the point to try and fuel your argument. Either way I'm done.
10857146
What I've been saying the whole time is that in Italy naming a kid Friday is just as bad as naming them Jailbait, and that is what the law aims to counter. If the name is creative but not embarrassing, then you're free to try your luck and convince the judge the guy at the registrar made an error.
So please stop misrepresenting my points to fuel your arguments.
10857153
So heres a question, can you name a girl Wednesday? While its not totally traditional it is culturally somewhat recognized as could be a girls name.
Does "Toybreak" mean anything in particular? It sure sounds suggestive, but I can't find anything in Urban Dictionary about it...
10857185
That I think could work, it's traditionally a lucky day. Though you could have trouble at the registrar, if the official there decides that Wedsnesday Addams ruins the name and sends it to the judge.
10857142
If a day of the week is considered too offensive a name, then that sounds like a societal problem. If the name is really that offensive, then every week Italians allow themselves to be sad, have bad luck, and submit to superiors, and that sounds just wrong.
I actually agree with the principle of what you're talking about in the most extreme cases, but saying that otherwise normal names can't be used because some people think it's sad? That doesn't sound like good law, that sounds like law abusing the parents.
And once again you misrepresent what I say. Where I was talking about a day of the week, you make it about a name that has no reasonable context for people, and that I wasn't talking about. Lying about what the person you're arguing with is saying doesn't make your argument right, it just misleads people. I feel I've been clear, even for a translator, that I was talking about the name FRIDAY, not the name JAILBAIT or ADOLF HITLER as you threw out there in your last reply. I'd like to convince you, if you would be honest with me and yourself, but since you keep lying about what I'm saying I agree there probably isn't much we can talk about.
10857189
I have the same question to
10857146
This guy just pulled the Hitler card like it was nothing LOL
10857205
People pull the Hitler card out of no where too much these days lol. By the way, I've been reading your responses. They're really good, especially that last one. You must debate a lot.
The one upside for Neverwill Toybreak and Stick Switch is that weird stuff happens in Equestria. If little Jailbait asks why they are going to change her name, they could just tell her "This is the land of Equestria. strange things happen all the time here" and get out of not telling her the real reason.
At least until she gets older and figures it out on her own.
10857199
See, the problem here is that you're trying to impose your cultural norms on Italy. I don't know where you're from, but let me assure you there's traditions and customs you find normal that would weird me out.
As I said previously, "Country you go, customs you find".
10857221
Not really, it's just that a lot of people try to "win" rather than give a good argument. The moment they start pulling them little stunts like name-calling and lying about your argument, you gotta respectfully call it out, because it's easier for them to win an argument that they put in your mouth than it is what you were actually saying. I'm sorry he roped you in like that, I feel like this was a very casual comment section until he started taking it very seriously.
10857248
And I find that if Friday was honestly so abhorrent it wouldn't be a day of the week in Italy. I understand there is something real in what you're saying, but I'm also saying that Friday being offensive is ridiculous, because if it was Italy wouldn't have tolerated it every week for so long.
We had a girl named Julia in our middle school class while we were learning about Julius Caesar, which is where her name originates from, and you know what happened with that horrible connotation? We made a few quips during the class that day and then things went back to normal. Should her name have been banned because it has a negative connotation with a great conqueror?
Oh god, that guy? I never understood why he ended every-other word with “ly.”
Ahem. How about we just call her JB for now, until the paperwork goes through. (Said as somebody who has a character named "Jailbird" who everypony just calls JB.)
10857189
No. You can read Estee's most recent blog for an explanation.
10857205
10857221
There's a kid in New Jersey who was named "Adolf Hitler Campbell," so I don't think this is just "pulling the Hitler card."
10857301
Just like words, names only have power if you give them power. Just because someone named Adolf Hitler did some horrible things doesn't mean the name should be illegal.
Granted, I can only assumed they chose that name because they wanted to make some asinine statement. But even so it's their right to make it if the name went through.
I think this thread could use some of Treehugger's special brownies. Mellow the place out.
10857335
A) the kid's father is in fact a Neo-Nazi, who has had many children taken away from him by the government, because he's an abusive thug on top of being a neo-Nazi
B) I'm not interested in getting involved in the argument about name regulations, just pointing out that mentioning naming a kid "Adolf Hitler" isn't some hypothetical invocation of Hitler or Nazism - it's something that's happened at least once already (and made big news, at least in NJ in 2008).
I would like to point out that some countries do in fact have laws based around what you are allowed to name your child. It's generally things like "You can't name your child a title" (So you can't name your child "Duke" or "Prince") or "nothing that would be offensive" (I'm sure that you can think of your own offensive terms and leave it at that). There's also the habit of diseases that sound nice being used as names.
I'm sure that with the rise of electronic record keeping, there's probably a little-known law that stops you giving your child a middle name that would cause problems with an improperly configured database
10857262
Why are you so insistent in forcing your cultural customs on Italy?
Look, I expected an argument to break out in the comments, but not THIS argument.