SSA
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God damn, that was funny at the begining, but then it became really beautiful and sincere at the end. It's an interesting transition from, "Ha, funny joke about heavy petting," to, "Don't be afraid to talk about things that may make you uncomfortable since it's good to have a healthy conversation."
If there was a scale to measure a story's worth, this one would have broken it.
Enjoyed the green on 4chan, didn't expect to see it here!
Before I start reading, I need to let you know that you should change succubus to incubus because the former is a female while the latter is male.
10857003
Agreed.
This was a trip. It was meme filled and also ended pretty great. I will say my one problem was there wasn't a single 69 joke.
This is the longest blibical joke i've read!!
Who you calling a pussy, ya horse-cocksucking-corrpution-child of the month June faggot!??!
This is the funniest lore, and the loreiest funny I've read in a long, long time. So good!
10857121
That's because it was already....
Noice.
10856851
Thank you so much for your praise. I kinda wrote this as a goof but with that ending part I'm hoping that my words might help or inspire some people.
10856854
Yeah, someone on there requested it be posted here and I didn't have anything better to do.
10857636
Thanks, good to know I haven't lost all my humor yet.
Cash Money. A compelling read ^^
I was expecting sex and hedonism not the levels of comfy and heart warming ive read. This has made me smile about the entire thing.
Thanks for posting this here man
I haven't heard that in a long time
This was an unexpectedly heartwarming collection of porn and memery. I shall be watching you author, you earned your like and favorite
Most people just call her Nightmare Cadance. We need more stories of Decadence, the dark alicorn of lust and excess.
NOW we're getting somewhere~!
Why did I never think of that!? God damn it! That's clever...
10856851
We just keep running into each other.
10858832
One note: The female equivalent of Cuckold is Cuckquean.
10858877
Even when they're getting cucked they think they're queens...
10857730
Hey thanks for posting this here I am wondering if you are going to post your other stuff here from pone paste
Nice one.
What it is really missing is Discord ^^;;;
Like two different stories.
hay do more chapters lol
You know, I came here to complain about the story, but I'm noticing people seem to be really praising the ending. I'll admit I stop reading during the Cadence section because if there's one thing I personally can't stand it's a story written like a parody fever dream. Not something written about an absurdist situation, something written like it's being told to you by a strung out college student in a Denny's at three in the morning.
Now, the excuse of "It gets better later." is really something that shouldn't excuse anything. But one of my favorite shows is Breaking Bad and boy are there some parts you could probably fast forward through and not lose anything. Cough, most of season two, cough cough.
I guess what I'm saying is that maybe I'll try giving this another look. But if I don't like it expect me to come back and leave a mildly worded comment.
10862483
That's fair. This was originally just an overly long shitpost to be honest. So if you have some criticism that will help me shitpost better in the future then I'm all for it, especially coming from an author I respect.
10862542
Wha-? You respect me? Why?
I mean, uh, I'll get right on it.
i.pinimg.com/originals/01/3a/03/013a0346b413206878cfcf1ebd44dc2e.jpg
10862575
Lol, don't go nuts, you wrote a couple comedies that I think are good, it's nbd.
10862542
So, I guess in the interest of prosperity, I'll give my thoughts on the story. These are just my opinions and I'll try to write these as plainly as possible, but that'll probably go horribly. (Spoiler, it does. Also, post be long, but I hope you read through it anyway.) Anyways~!
I guess I'll go section by section to make things relatively easy to follow.
This section is mostly fine. Near the end we jump to being Berry Punch, but there's no line break which I find irksome.
I hate the Cadence section. I hate everything about it. It's 469 words (nice) of referential joke where the joke is that it's a reference. I feel like if Cadence is going to be present in the story itself, it should be as more than a one off joke referencing that anime that makes people go to the comment sections of songs I like and make references to a show I don't watch. Is that petty and stupid? Yes it is, but I still hate the Cadence section. I feel it would be better if it was excised from the story entirely.
This is great. Good world building, nice character interaction. And if there's one thing I love, it's character interactions.
Okay, guess we get to do some technical critiquing now. Which is like regular critiquing, but I don't have to feel guilty about what I say because it's not related to subjective opinions! The forth second starts out as a bit of a mess. First off, I haven't been told who I am. I can guess based off context clues that I'm Lyra, but when the previous three sections very plainly spelled out who the 'you' was, it's more than a little disorientating. Second:
I know the first speaker is 'you', but I have no idea who says the next line or for that matter who the other three characters are. It isn't until this line
That I know the second speaker is Dash.
Also, 'Oh no.' and 'Time to go be a hero again filly.' should be separated from the spoken line by paragraphing (Yeah, there's probably a proper word for that, but heck if I know what it is). Because they're 'your' internal thoughts. Unless it's 'you' who is speaking, in which case it's fine, but it's also not clear that that's what's happening. To me, anyway.
Oh, 'you' is Twilight. Damn, I guessed super wrong.
Should be 'you', not 'I'
This section kinda devolves into the Cadence section near the end, tho. Which I think we've established I don't like.
I guess in terms of fixing it rather than just cutting it out of the story... It's hard for me to say. I guess slowing it down and easing the narration to be more in line with what the earlier parts of the section were like? Feels like a speed freak is running through their list of meme references again. (Man, I remember the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny...)
Okay, so, real quick, I'm just gonna shit all over first and second person narration. This is 100% me being a third person narration forever sort of person. It's my favorite to read and to write. And because you can do third person limited narration, you can have all the fun of first person narration with none of the hangups. Or do third person omniscient narration and leap from scene to scene and character to character with nary a care in the world. Hell, you can do third person limited, but just switch who the narration is following scene to scene.
I bring this up because who the fuck am I supposed to be in this section? Zecora? That makes sense, but it makes sense for me to be Lyra in the last section and that was a straight miss on my part.
Fuck me, I'm Anon again. I'm O for 2.
*echos
*butt
Also, side note. Calling her Decadence? *chef kiss* I love it.
Oh boy, you get to hear me bitch about technical stuff again. See, it was previously established that only Lyra was in the room with 'you', but then Rarity suddenly appears. Which is fine, but then Twilight is the one who is said to be entering the room after the next bit of dialogue. So the entering the room bit should be attached to Rarity.
It would make more sense to be written as 'Twilight appears to ponder what...' since it's entirely from 'your' perspective. Of course, you could solve this problem by converting to the Church of Third Person Narration.
Instead of 'we're' something like 'you're all' would probably work better.
Also, I'm noticing that the tense sometimes changes. Like, it says 'moved' instead of 'moves', which is an honest mistake. S and D are right next to each other so it can happen. But it sometimes happens with other words, which is again probably just typos. Just something I needed to take note of.
I might just not be hip with the kids, but I have no idea what a BBEM is.
Firstly:
Secondly: *your
He is conscious, but he's not very aware of the situation, I'd say.
Okay, so I'm gonna have to unpack some stuff here. Bear with me.
So, they always be saying 'Show, Don't Tell', which isn't always true. Sometimes, you do have to just just straight up tell the reader something. Which is a perfectly fine thing to do. That being said, this little moment right here definitely should have been shown through dialogue, in my opinion. It's a very good outline for how that conversation should go, but it should have been all written out and not just summarized.
Actually, as I read to the next little bit, it has occurred to me there is a work around for this. Have Anon (yeah, I'm just gonna call him Anon now) leave Cadence and Shining alone to talk out of respect. And then you can gloss over him waiting on the balcony while they hash out their problems.
Okay, all done. Honestly, I'm glad I decided to come back and read through the rest of this. This story is good and it has lots of good things in it. It just needs some polish is all.
I just want to say that if you ever want help with a story, let me know. I'm easier to reach on Discord, so DM me if you want to find me on there. Have a good day.
10862603
Too late, sucker
10862744
Geeze dude, you didn't have to go so far for me, but damn, thanks! I totally get where you're coming from with references and jokes and jokes that are just references. It's totally fair to just tap out if you're not into that stuff. As for the first and second person perspective stuff? I also kinda agree with you there. The only reason this is in second person is because it was originally a 4chan green that I wrote as a bit of a joke and it's the style that you write in second person in those. I'm also much more comfortable writing in third and first person, which is why I sometimes slip into first person when I'm supposed to be writing in second person. Also I agree that Decadance is a great name. Can't take credit for that one though, I found it in the archives of some forums from a couple months ago. As for the tense mix-ups? Yeah, those aren't typos, I genuinely mix up present and past tense a LOT. It's gotten better since I've started using google docs for typing these out, but yeah, those errors are totally on me. BBEM stands for Big Bad Evil Mare (As opposed to the Big Bad Evil Guy) and is a meme that carried over from its original state as a 4chan green because it was in the Reverse Gender Roles Equestria General thread. Your 'show don't tell' advice is really good, and I've gotten it before. The thing is I'm good at outlining how a conversation should go but I'm not great at actually finding the words. That and I'm working on a time limit for the most part. Not a limit on how much time I have to write the story, that's basically endless, but how long it'll be until I get bored with the idea and drop it, so I do my best to get a story completed so I can post it. Is that a good excuse? Fuck no! But it's the reason I'm sticking with!
Thanks for taking so much time out to read and review my story and point out my fuckups. I know you probably know this being an author yourself but it really fucking helps me get better when you go so in depth about what's good and bad and the why of it. You have a good day too!
Well this went from meme to meaningful quite delightfully. Did not expect that. What fun!
What the fuck did I just read?
I love it
This story was great, I don't have any particular special words, it felt like a mix of two stories given the Cadence bit but I liked em both
This is probably the best one-shot story I’ve read in this site, or any fan fiction site for that matter. Well done
Step aside celestia, a new god is here, and it’s anon who was mistaken for an incubus
i.imgflip.com/2xlg2w.jpg
444th like on the board, I am glad to have read this! Thanks so much for the fun story and it gives me hope that my own bullshit human in Equestria story with an attempt at show accurate lore to make bullshit excuses for love and sex will go over well!
Re: Author's Note:
IMPREGNATE ALL THE MARES!!
💀💀
I thought this was really funny because of its absurdity and how it will never, at least I hope it won’t. I think Cadence would be more open to the idea of herding and incest. Also tomatoes wouldn’t be poisonous to ponies because in my story my OC fell in love with a special earth filly farmer that grows tomatoes.
Great stuff could use a sequel.
This is the strangest story I've ever read.
OH MY GOD!!!