Talk of the Town

Hearts and Hooves Day is named as such for far more than just the breaking of banks for chocolate and rings. Hope that Big Mac and Cheerilee never find out.

Pic credit goes to nmnkgskgs.

This story was made for Quills and Sofa's Cheerilee character contest! Thanks to LostinFandom, Shaslan, RedParade, Starshield, Silvermint, TheHatMan, Applezombi, Pinoy, and Atom Smash for reviewing/editing!

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Posh

Posh #1 · May 26th, 2021 · 17 · ·

...Why is Cheerilee on a leash?

Captain_Cosmos

Captain_Cosmos #2 · May 26th, 2021 · 2 · ·

10833698
Yeah. Makes me think something kinky is going on

Krauser

Krauser #3 · May 26th, 2021 · 3 · ·

10833721
Me too.

Posh

Posh #4 · May 26th, 2021 · 8 · ·

As it turns out, the cover art is the... LEASHT... of my questions about this story. Ha. Haaaaa ha ha. Ha.

I find the concept here intriguing, but the execution confusing. There’s a lot of ambiguity surrounding this situation, and the two characters whose relationship drives the story. It’s not the kind of ambiguity that lets the reader put the pieces together on their own, ie., deliberate ambiguity that works to the story’s benefit. It’s the kind of ambiguity where I have to infer what’s going on based on speculation, rather than following the author’s breadcrumbs to their intended meaning.

As best as I can figure, the love poison sparked Mac and Cheerilee’s memories of their past lives as the lovers from the Hearts and Hooves myth. But I’m basing all of that on a single line of dialogue buried in one of Mac’s heartwrenching speeches, and the way the dialogue is written and structured could easily lead one to a different conclusion: That they’ve always remembered their past lives, and just chose to ignore them, until the love poison fiasco forced them to confront their relationship head-on. The story breezes past the details without lingering on them overlong; once Mac abruptly demands that Cheerilee remember that they used to bang, the conversation launches toward the finish line and never really stops.

So, you have a rich concept that you don’t spend a sufficient amount of time exploring, and a conversation whose breakneck pace leaves the reader with more questions than answers. Not in a good way, either.

I also find a lot of the narration overly florid, for the sake of floridity. “Ichor on the tongue,” or the amber-bathed dining room; they sound pretty, but feel insubstantial, and lend little to the scenes they’re in besides extra syllables (the opening few lines are, in general, confusingly structured, with an untagged dialogue exchange and a dangling modifier in the first sentence of narration). The speechifying from both parties feels heavy-handed, too, but given that they’re royalty, I think that’s a little more excusable.

From a technical standpoint, the story’s perspective shifts around a bit too much at the beginning before settling in Mac’s POV; we bounce between he and Cheerilee, then remain in Mac’s once the dinner begins in earnest. I’d think that you’d want to stay in Mac’s POV, seeing as it’s his character’s emotions that advance the narrative.

If you do a story like this again, I’d urge you to slow down and smell the roses a bit more. It’s a good idea, but you’re not doing it enough justice.

On a final note, I will give you actual money to never, ever refer to eyes as “orbs” ever again. Ever. Please. Please don’t do that, I am begging you.

Bigwig6666

Bigwig6666 #5 · May 26th, 2021 · · ·

I liked it. An interesting headcanon to say the least and I'm all for reincarnation. Hopefully Mac can find happiness somewhere else later in this second life