A long forgotten element has been brought back, but for better or for worse?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I usually call it "hen house."
Well this was a surprise. We haven't gotten a chapter written in someone else's perspective for a long time now. Part of "Bedlam's Requiem" was the last time, I think? Not counting Silverstream sneaking in a sentence or two with her cruise control for cool, anyway.
It's interesting seeing all the developments that have happened in the last arc from Rarity's perspective, as you have a pretty good grasp on how she would present herself in writing. So she actually considers James her husband now? I guess that's to be expected ever since she gave the whole "I want to grow old with you" declaration. It's also nice having Smolder recap everything that's happened in her own words, while also reaffirming that the SWAT teams need not break down any doors yet. I hope Rarity and Smolder interact more in the future, as they really seem to bring out the best in each other.
... was that a subtle dig at the writers of the show?
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.....maybe?
9970355
Is that so...
Whatever the case, I'm certainly not tired of this story yet. Let's hope it stays that way.
9976823
Well, term didn't, but he received and used them. Looks strange to me to receive and use money and yet have no idea what they called. But term really wasn't mentioned.
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Wunderbar!
Halfway through all this mushy stuff and towards the night of the dancing dead!
Man, I read this story back on fanfiction before I was really into mlp and I'm glad I decided to move over here. This story opened a very kind world to me and I am delighted to see it's still being worked on. I also wanted to say I'm glad to see how you're writing improved. It's become hard for me to read many stories on here, but finding this again has made me very happy. Keep up the great work.
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Im glad you’re enjoying yourself. If you have any in-depth feedback to provide, I would love to hear it.
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I'll give it my best shot, but I've never been super big on critiquing, also on mobile so please excuse any mistakes.
Also also I have a fairly... ok very low tolerance for things that make me uncomfortable so that might affect my comments, but I tried to read through most of them especially close to the end.
While I'm sure you get this enough the first arc isn't the strongest and has some odd decisions in it to me, but if I'm remembering it correctly it was definitely improved with you're revisions. But over all I don't have much to say. Writing was better as you got into it and it got easier and easier to immerse myself into the narrative.
Arc two to me, cleaned things up and set the relationships and stones for the future very well. It was good at keeping me interested while also laying some seeds for future branches in the story.
Arc three was heavy for me, the old cliff hanger left me a bit bitter, but now that it is finished properly It was a very sudden and drastic change in mood that while surprising tickled that demented bone just right at the start. I feel just repeating the maze thing wasn't the best, but you showed the main six having actually learned something from past experiences instead of forgetting right when the credits roll, which is nice. Giving them no choice in conversion was a nice touch though. Now the only real bad thing to say about this is the discord fight, it dragged on way way to long to me and might just be not appreciating references as much, but it was probably the hardest part for me,but again might just be me. (How dare you put things you like in a FANfic) Of her than that great wrap up with that very nice experience even if it isn't remembered by part of group.
Arch four was a nice change of pace for a while with the family development and such, I don't really have much to say on it, except I like how Nightmare moon and Trixie turned out. Along with the new relationship between Celestia and James. Which brings me to another point. I'm glad it quieted down with the not poly, but actually just alternative poly relationships. I'm perfectly fine with one of the other but the dancing around just made it feel underhanded and sneaky to an uncomfortable degree. Other than that the project H while I mostly just skim read it is a nice break from the mundane and does a better job than the dream training with the princesses in random fictional settings. Again I just might not appreciate the references as much as others and I can appreciate putting things you like into a story based on something you lime, but it's not for me. Though like I said before I love the relationship building between them all.
Now arc five brings back a bit of my reservations especially around Sinder, I think I understand what you where going for, but there is no good way of saying anything to do with that situation. I like the friend making, but another romance feels worrisome to me. It'd be nice to find a way of working that out, but that looks a lot less likely than the relationship with Celestia working out. Unless he becomes immortal and outlives his pre established family I can't see it working well.
Overall it is a very enjoyable story despite the rough parts, but honestly those are few and far enough apart that skiming them isn't to bad. I hope to see this continue to be a great story even if my interest in fandoms overall has faded.
Quick edit here: I just wanted to add I personally really enjoy the chapter length. Being on mobile makes it easy to pick up where I left off and it means I can get a nice uninterrupted focus which lets me tear through pretty nicely.
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Thats a relief. Don't want to see Equestria ruined by post-banishment human nature.
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No one ever said the human race of earth are originally from Equestria either.
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Interesting
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I usually like to imagine the music in my head when I’m reading something. So I’ll do that instead.
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Okay, this is something I've been deliberating about for a while, and this gives me an excuse to share my thoughts on it.
The things that define a Gary Stu/Mary Sue in my eyes, primarily, is that the whole world they're inserted into suddenly revolves around them to an unrealistic degree just with the addition of their presence. Everyone either loves them with all their heart or utterly despises them and swears them a mortal enemy (something they are shown to be in the wrong to do) right from the get-go with little or no build-up to that conclusion. No one in the world (who is ever mentioned anyway) simply doesn't care that much about them. Everything also generally goes their way, and the ability to resolve the plot always lies in their hands.
In regards to personally if I think James is this in the story, ehhhhhh, I would lean more toward no. Sure, a lot of people love him or at least like him a lot, but there's always a well-defined reason why, and most of them didn't just right from the beginning. The antagonists so far also aren't very Gary Stu-ish (Discord being by far the farthest from that), with the possible exception of Diamond Tiara, but she at least still had a reason. The plot in Volume 3 was also entirely out of James's control after the first three chapters, and it was up to everyone else that it turned out the way it did. There's also several things especially in the romantic plotline that James wishes could be different, but he has no power to change.
If you've ever read a story with a really egregious Mary Sue like I have, it's pretty obvious how unbelievable it is, to the point where it distracts you from the story. Everyone has a super strong, unshakable opinion on them from literally their very first interaction. Everything's always about them, whether they're in the room or not. Their flaws, if they have any, never result in them not being able to immediately get their way in anything they set out to do. Every conflict gets resolved by some kind of special power they pull out of their butt. Everything they do only makes the protagonists love them more and the antagonists despise them more. Who the protagonists and antagonists even are is dictated entirely by the author's own opinions of them.
This isn't the case with James. Characters have first impressions of him that develop and change as they spend more time together. Rainbow's probably the best developed case of this. She starts out basically seeing him as a cross between Twilight and Fluttershy. Not exactly unapproachable, even a natural friend considering her close relationship with those two, but also not someone she has a whole lot in common with, and a perfect candidate for teasing. Then as time goes on and she starts seeing more sides of him and he rubs off on her more, she slowly realizes there's more to him than she initially appreciated, especially after he fights to protect her and their friends during their first crisis situation. It's only then that she starts to fall in love, and at that point it's too late to act on it. He wishes he could let her, but he can't. You don't usually see that kind of intricate development in Mary Sue stories, and she's just one of several who are like that.
10033223
I think you replied to the wrong comment, but that’s a very impressive analysis of the situation. Well said.
10033257
Yeah, I meant to reply to you, but I changed it to reply to both anyway.
I think this meant to be danger.