A long forgotten element has been brought back, but for better or for worse?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow you're getting close to the 2 million words mark, do you have anything special planned for the next chapter?
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Aside from a comedy centered chapter a friend and I thought up? Not really.
9921929
Ok I just thought there was gonna be a special or something.
I just finally finished re-reading through all two million (!!!) words of this after deciding to go through it again a few weeks ago. I have to say, very few things can continuously hold my attention for that sheer length of time, but this is one of them. I feel like any compliment I could try to give about the whole thing falls short of the sheer fact that I just spent 137 hours staring at horse words (that I've read before, no less), never got bored, and am still looking forward to more. Props to that. There's $60 video games I've tired of far more quickly.
This new chapter that came up as a nice bonus roughly when I was trying to get through Volume 3 is pretty fun. That bit that happened in the beginning with the journal entry was one of the funniest sequences in the whole story to me. I was giggling like an idiot the moment I realized what she would find while reading that and it only got better from there. That situation with Novo sure is complicated though. I would have no idea how to handle it myself, and it barely seems like James does either. He's treading a very thin line that could easily end in disaster if not done with just right.
I also can't help but notice all the hints being dropped about what must be the main conflict of this volume, between him noticing a big featureless section of the Equestrian globe, Celestia and Novo pointing out that he has little experience in dealing with his shield getting grappled since almost none of his opponents have hands, and not to mention that cover art, it's starting to give me an idea on what's going to happen sooner than later, maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I know I'll be reading it whenever that happens.
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Very glad to hear that you’re enjoying the ride. If you have anything else to add, I’d love to read it.
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As for my general thoughts about the whole story so far now that it's relatively fresh in my mind, in chronological order:
You've probably heard enough times that Volume 1 is the weakest link in the story. However, I am quite a bit more forgiving of it than many other readers seem to be, and it's got plenty of good moments if you can ignore some of the headscratchers and occasional grandfathered dated reference (I still remember even when telling Pinkie that the cake is a lie was funny, so I'll pardon that one). The speed at which he develops relationships initially isn't really a sore spot for me as it could be. It's believable that his exotic visage as a creature from legend would draw their attention, especially considering the lesson they learned with Zecora was relatively fresh in their minds at the time, and then his personality would keep them engaged long enough to develop lasting friendships. It's a very different situation than if he was dropped in a town somewhere on Earth. Ponies, for one, are generally much more immediately hospitable. If I can believe them making friends in single 22-minute episode segments, I can believe them doing it in a few days. As for Fluttershy, my own parents somehow fell in love even faster than they did and are still married decades later, so maybe I'm just a bit biased about that part for not really having a problem with it. Lasting relationships that start like that are rare, but they do happen.
I feel like one part that's criticized a lot, the initial Diamond Tiara encounter, could've come across better if he just second-guessed himself at least once on how exactly he handled it, but that isn't really as important in the grand scheme of things anymore, and that's a difficult part to change the details of too much considering it has ripple effects that impact the entire rest of the story. Still though, such a thing in hindsight maybe would have helped establish a first impression to a first-time reader that the main character isn't infallible, which currently is something that only becomes apparent later on. The first arc really starts to pick up though at Forest of Sorrows/Disappearance, then closes off with a good stride with To Hell and Back being my favorite from the arc. You really excel at putting real, heavy emotion into writing, and that's the first time of many where it shines as brightly as it should. I could deeply feel how overjoyed James was when he realized that his friends were all real, and how relieved everyone was when they saw him again. Him finally deciding to remain in Equestria forever if he can help it is the perfect way to end the first part as a whole.
Volume 2 continues right from the stride that its predecessor sets. Night of the Laughing Dead and A Refined Evening were fun enough to read and somewhat important plot-wise, but it really gets going with Return of Nightmares. It was clever how James used his believable concern for his friends' wellbeing as a half-truth to pursue his true intention of rescuing Nightmare Moon, at a point when everyone but him believed her to be irredeemable. The incredible power he received through his armor also in my opinion ironically serves well to his personality as a total sweetheart whose Special Talent is being a bottomless well of love.
When he was so powerful that he could inflict serious harm on Nightmare Moon or even kill her, but refused to even fight until he absolutely had to, that shows how much restraint he really has. Having all that power at his disposal forces him to make moral choices that just never would have come up if he remained an ordinary human, that serve to help uncover his true character. Also, although "Original character receives a seventh Element of Harmony" is now a big Fimfiction cliché, I completely excuse it here on account that you were kind of among the first to even come up with it and put that idea to pen, even if it took a while to get to that point, that was the idea right from the get-go. Even if you weren't though, you do subvert that idea and put a unique spin on it that keeps it interesting enough even in retrospect. We have seen brief glimpses of the Element of Humanity in its other phases, so it will be interesting to see how that's explored later on.
About that night though, I think there might be a bit of a plot hole. Nightmare Moon has all the memories of Luna prior to their separation, right? That would mean she remembers crafting that armor as Luna, something that's been acknowledged before. Wouldn't that mean that she knew the spell to simply melt his armor into a puddle and render him incapacitated during that brief unhappy period when she was doing everything in her power to try and kill him? Was part of her still trying to go easy on him? Looking at that fight from her perspective in the companion story, it doesn't seem like melting it ever even crossed her mind. I feel like this is something he could realize himself at some point in the future and ask her about it. It would probably be something they could share a laugh over in retrospect, with her being glad it never crossed her at the time. On another note, of all the characters who have "a thing" for James, Nightmare Moon's thing is by a significant margin the most believable and powerful. I actually feel genuinely bad for her and her ongoing plight with him, and I sincerely hope it doesn't actually end up taking 500 years and her demise to finally have a happy ending, or at least for the situation to get better.
Moving on, I think the rest of Volume 2 stayed pretty strong after the initial conflict. Rescuing and redeeming Mitta was loads of fun, though it's a shame there isn't really a lot left to do with her character now that that's out of the way. Her arc is at its logical conclusion millions of words before everyone else's, or is it? I guess that's up to you to decide. Rainbow Dash's affections trail very closely behind Nightmare Moon's in believability, and I also feel pretty bad for her too. Closing the Year was a solid if somewhat long-winded end to the arc, and set up a nice set of last Happy Times to look back on before the Bad Times kicked off, or in a certain unmentionable alternate timeline, the last ones ever(?).
You can't talk about this story of course without talking about Volume 3. It's there that we see one of James's biggest character flaws emerge in a very, eh, spectacular way. He had mentioned several times beforehand that he doubts he would even be able to function without the support group he's built around himself, and it's there that those words are backed with thermonuclear weaponry. Back in 2014 when it was being written and there was a few weeks or months between each release it felt like that dark era would never end, but now that it's all there and done with and can be read through most of the way in like 3 sittings, I don't think it overstays its welcome too much anymore. I'm sure you feel like that even more as the one personally writing all of it. If anything, in hindsight I almost wish he got a chance to visit Fluttershy and Applejack's dreams before he went off the deep end.
Your characterization of Pinkie Pie also really shined in this arc. I can't imagine what she must've felt like, as the most pure definition of an extrovert possible, to have played a role in getting one of her best friends nearly killed. It's a concept her poor self-aware mind just can't take, and that's something you truly feel through her words and James's interactions with her in her dreams. My favorite chapter in the arc is definitely Sudden Death. After everything he and his friends went through, having the way to finally defeat the curse plaguing his mind be to beat the absolute tar out of it with some good old teamwork is nothing short of cathartic. The despair felt as he finally came face-to-face with the thing that's been killing him and was forced to face it alone with nothing but his underwear, followed by the surging hope and relief as the Elements of Harmony/Humanity kicked in and brought his friends and his armor into the fray made for an extremely powerful emotional moment. The "alternate outcome" that DIscord presented at the end of the fight was chilling to the bone. After he woke up, I have to admit the scene that follows has gotten the waterworks going with me a few times. Same thing with the next three chapters after. Bedlam's Requiem at the end is exactly what it says on the tin.
Volume 4 is a lot more subdued in the sense that it has no overarching conflict, which is quite welcome with what came before. However, there are still several ongoing developments throughout it that keep me interested until Child of the Glade finally comes around. Most interesting of course is his shifting perspective on polyamorous relationships. He went into the arc with a cute thing going where his fiancé let him snuggle and kiss three of their best friends that she trusted enough to know wouldn't betray her, and he went out of it having finally accepted Rarity as a member of his very innermost unit, with her possibly being the first of several. I highly doubt at this point he's going to back out of it and go back to strict monogamy anytime soon on account mostly of him caring about Rarity and Celestia just too much, so I'm quite curious to see where exactly you'll take it going forward, and what exactly you mean by it being a "subversion of the herd trope".
Aside from that development, the Project H sub-arc is also quite the entertaining distraction, though its fictional nature makes everything that happens frustratingly transient. I didn't have the pleasure of growing up with Mega Man X, so I don't really have as personal of a connection to the clearly loving homage you've created that serves double duty as Power Ponies done right, but I can't say I'm not down for some Super Fighting Robot action every now and then. Once that's all out of the way though, I'd much prefer some conflict with real lasting effects other than just giving James the sense that wasn't the first time he went on a brutal rampage, but it was perfect for spicing up an arc that was all about an equine pregnancy-long break from all of that. Having Sans and Mettaton presumably in real danger in the last one also alleviated this a bit, to be fair.
Finally for now, that leaves Volume 5. I don't have many opinions yet on the arc as a whole considering its main conflict hasn't even started yet, but I am liking what's happening so far. I like how you're slowly working the Student Six into the story in your own way. It's interesting seeing how they act when removed from the environment they were in during the show. Makes me wonder if you have any plans for the others, though I doubt we're ever going to see Ocellus unless there happens to be a rogue, friendly Changeling at some point in Volume 6. The situation with Smoulder is all kinds of delicate. It is believable that she would genuinely love him after what he did for her, but there isn't an easy way out of that that doesn't either result in breaking her heart or getting the cottage raided by a SWAT team. Telling her to be patient and wait a few years is the only real choice he has, and I think you handled that concept pretty tactfully given the circumstances.
Finally, there's that ongoing mini-arc with the Hippogriffs. The scenes with Celestia aboard the airship make me really start to wonder what exactly you plan to do with her in the future. The fact that's all still happening under Nightmare Moon's nose makes me uncomfortable for what that might hold later. The interactions with the Hippogriffs so far are all adorable. Their boundless optimism and hospitality that rivals even the Apple family are immediately endearing, and I love the dynamic between Celestia and Novo. They really do play off each other like two old friends who've known each other for centuries. I can see well enough why you decided to include the race into your continuity. At this rate, unless something unexpected happens I strongly doubt this is the last time James will go to Capricorn Island. If anything he'll bring all of his friends along next time.
I'm also liking how you're handling the relationship that's developing with Novo. Sympathizing from having similar tragedies in each other's lives can be a way to form a powerful bond very quickly, though it's totally believable that he's getting slightly weirded out by just how fast she's endearing to him, just as it is how quickly she's endearing to him from how much of her late husband she sees in him. Unless she can truly grow to appreciate him in all regards as James and not as Cygnus, that won't be the basis for a healthy relationship, but that might be the point.
That's all my thoughts about this so far, pretty much. Man, even just glossing over 2 million words grows into a hefty read in its own right.
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I certainly can’t blame anyone for saying volume 1 is the weakest link. I had just transitioned from my earlier Pokemon fanfics over to MLP after finally hitting burnout and needing a breath of fresh air while trying a new style. I did everything I could to revise and strengthen it when I went back over it a few years back, but there’s only so much I could do. I think it isn’t uncommon for the first part of stories to be a bit rough around the edges, so I doubt this problem is exclusive to this story.
Mitta’s fading into the background was an unfortunate result of lack of foresight. As much as I dearly wanted to see her given a happy ending and having the means to see it happen, I lament to say that taking her out of what made her interesting in the first place made her a less compelling character. I suppose that’s good enough for some since the character has a chance to live a happy life offscreen, but I do wish I could have done more. Although she does have one more last hurrah set to happen in Volume 6.
That’s an interesting analysis to make about Nightmare Moon’s connection to the armor crafted for James. One could say that she abstained from forcefully removing the armor to avoid trying to seem overbearing towards James while trying to sway James to her side. Forcefully leaving him vulnerable could be seen as her trying to strong arm her way into him. As for when she was in a frenzy, she was clearly far more interested in breaking him through brute force than anything else and almost succeeded.
Only half of the Young Six will be established in The Lost Element with Gallus set to appear soon. Sandbar is just too bland for me to do anything with (though he made a cameo in the honeymoon chapter if you pay close attention) while Yona’s existence will be clarified a little later. Ocellus will finally show up in the sequel while being somewhat reimagined.
I also have to say I did not go into this story with the intention of going for a polyamorous relationship after having become disillusioned to the manga industry and the harem genre in general. I thought it was nothing more than foolish fantasy, but recent events have caused me to reevaluate the subject of multiple lovers.
On a side note, if you are interested in trying the Mega Man X series, I recommend the Legacy Collection. Start with the first and move into the second if you end up hooked.
I also have to say I adore thorough and extensive feedback like this. Stuff like this makes writing these chapters worth it and have become depressingly rare over the past couple of years and I don’t know why. Really, thank you for this feedback.
9926638
Yeah, a work taking a little while to find its footing is perfectly normal. There's even a trope name for it: "Growing the Beard". It's a shame that has to be a new reader's first impression of the whole thing, but that's just the way it is I guess.
As for Mitta, you just can't really take away the fact that her character arc is mostly complete. She was lost and in limbo, James found and rescued her, and she got forgiven for her mistakes from a millennium ago and brought back to life by the very person (sort of) who once cursed her. Everyone's made up, she's living happily ever after, there's not really a lot you can do anymore with it unless you introduce a new conflict for her to deal with or something. I guess one thing left to do at least would be for her to repay the favor again at some point, like how in Volume 3 Nightmare Moon saved James's life. You know, just something to bring their relationship to full circle.
I see what you mean about Nightmare Moon's rationale, especially before she went berserk. Her side of the story reveals that more than anything she was trying to intimidate him into choosing the side she knew he really wanted, rather than just completely force his hand. As for after, I guess you could say she was just so consumed with rage (and later fear) it legitimately didn't cross her mind to deal with him that intelligently. I know strong emotions can have that kind of effect on people.
Gallus is coming soon? Interesting. I guess it's about high time for gryphons to be relevant to any capacity. I can't blame you on Sandbar, I watched every episode of the show and can't remember much about him other than his surfer dude accent. Smolder is tough and spunky but with a hidden refined side, Silverstream is like Pinkie but with an off switch, and Sandbar is, uh, Sandbar. And yeah, I did notice that little cameo, though I wasn't completely sure about it when I saw it.
I have to say, I think your decision to change your mind on polyamory was a good idea (not that such a thing was ever really controversial in this fandom). As long as it's built up right on a foundation of mutual love and trust, it really can be the setup that will lead to everyone being the happiest in the end, and can also be the setup for new potential conflicts in the future that could flesh out some of the future low points.
I have been meaning to get around to playing Mega Man X lately, mostly from you and Smash, I'll admit. I'll take that advice too, thanks.
For what it's worth, if it means that much to you, I'll be around to give some detailed feedback on any future chapters. As long as you can hold my attention that is, which you've done a good job at doing so far. I always read them as soon as I realize they've come out (save for the latest one where I waited until I was done re-reading), though I'm not always exactly sure what to say if anything. This story is personally quite important to me, and if feedback keeps you in good spirits about writing it then by all means I'll provide.