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Admiral Biscuit
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Admiral Biscuit
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Gonna do the story notes here this time, ‘cause there aren’t too many and I can’t remember what the rules are about blog posts linked to mature stories (I think you can, but I don’t remember for certain).
Many of you will remember Joe’s prior encounter with Amorosa, and his misunderstanding of what her cutie mark signifies. For the rest of you, that ain’t a cutie mark for eating hot dogs.
In the course of my research, one of the obsolete slang terms for a prostitute was a “pretty horsebreaker,” referencing the prostitutes who rode horses near Hyde Park in London back in Victorian times. I also came across the term “meretrix” from the Latin which is practically already ponified. So if you want to use either of those words, have at it!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/6/2/338801.jpeg
Source
“A ride below the crupper” is also archaic slang; the crupper is a piece of tack which keeps the tail up or goes under the tail, depending on what kind of harness it’s for.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/31/Saddle-crupper.jpg
Wikipedia
Silvio Appony is a reference to Silvio Apponyi, who’d a German-Australian sculptor. I don’t know much about him or his work, but his name was plenty easy to ponify.
Golden Flowers’ noble title is Lady Flowers of Newnham Paddox. That’s not particularly relevant to this story, but I figured y’all would want to know.
Acrylic is from ROBCakeran53’s excellent YCH.
AlwaysDressesInStyle sort of pushed me into publishing this. I’d written it on a lark--I had the idea in my head, and just started writing to see where it went. We were talking back and forth about writing styles and whatnot, and I mentioned it and how it was virtually all dialogue, sent him the link, and he liked it and recommended I clean it up a bit and publish it.
About that time, I also realized it would be story #169, which pretty much meant I had to. That’s like an obligation from the universe or something.
I didn’t have to do as much research as you’d think about the nuts and bolts of Amorosa’s industry. I’ve known a couple of people who worked in the industry, and I’ve talked to several more here and there along the line. Nevertheless, by pure coincidence, Rayne Constantine mentioned that her memoir Pizza, Pincushions and Playing it Straight was on sale online (to quote her: “Book is 55% off because the world is a dumpster fire”). Naturally, I ordered a copy and doing some downtime at work read through it, highlighting important bits.
Or the amusing ones:
If you’re interested in an insider’s perspective, I highly recommend getting your hooves on an e-copy of the book.
Dot was some straight up Catcher In The Rye stuff, verra philosophical.
I'll admit that Amorosa's education, given their conversation, got a laugh out of me.
Really enjoyed the dialogue-laden nature you went with here, particularly with how they subdivided each possible branch of conversation down to the root, only to jump up and transition to the next closest point; a very natural and comfortable progression that gave me a lot of time to mull over each path on a case-by-case basis. Glad you published this one, and I'm happy I gave it a whirl.
I was going to comment on being surprised to see a Biscuit mature-rated story, but it turns out almost 10% of your stories are mature!
This was a real fun story, glad you got it posted. And thanks for the reference and shout out!
Also, Admiral, you *can* link mature stories, because if they have their filters on then they won't show when clicked anyway. It's artwork, mainly, otherwise this would all delve into a endless ring of unpostable content to the point the site couldn't host mature stories at all.
love the way the troy flows. i love the way this hookes me and makes me want them to get together but the sad truth is in black and wight at the end.
"I could see myself falling in love with her, but I couldn’t see her falling in love with me"
see what i mean?
Beautiful
I'll be honest, came here expecting a sloppy porn story, came out with a thoughtful one.
Gets a favorite from me because of it. Excellent subversion.
What a delightful and saucy and delightfully saucy wodge of lovely.
I'm not sure if I should love you or hate you for that... Golden showers for Golden Flowers it was worth a laugh.
I also won't deny I've been curious about this exact thing and even without looking into it know a bit more about it than most (I've done security for hotels) or example with high end escorts how they get around the prostitution bit. The "date" ends when the client closes the door with the escort on the outside. If she knocks to come back in you're going to get lucky, if she doesn't... you don't.
One of the hotels I worked would get a parade of escorts walk in at between 8:50-9pm.
I really don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this story. I mean it was in all honesty kinda pathetic guy talking himself in circles.
I felt a presence at my table in the bar before I looked up from my book. I think she saw my wince.
“Ouch,” she said quietly, and started walking to the bar.
“No, don’t go. Sit with me. I promised to buy you... dinner?”
“Your voice says one thing, but your eyes make your intentions pretty clear.”
“If my voice apologised, would you sit here and ignore whatever my eyes were doing?”
It was an apprising look. I’m not quite sure about the criteria, but I could tell I was being judged. The worst part is, I was sure I was coming up short in her estimation. But she did choose to sit. So I broke eye contact and flagged over my waitress.
“Just a drink,” she said,”on his tab.” And she gave her order in a rushed tone.
“No alcohol?” I asked.
“I’m working. Or I will be. I can’t afford to be impaired. I might make a bad choice.”
“Was giving me your room number a bad choice?”
The sigh of exasperation she gave almost felt parental. “No, it wasn’t. At the time I thought you wanted it, or maybe even needed it. It didn’t quite go the way I wanted it to, but it wasn’t a bad choice. And I wasn’t drunk when I gave you the napkin. Why? Do you think you made a bad choice by coming to my room?”
“No.”
“Your eyes and your voice are at odds again. Do you regret what we did?”
“Can I ask you another question?”
“Will it provide a clue as to what you are thinking?”
“Maybe. What happens to your clients that go too far?”
“What do you mean by ‘too far?’ Try to get violent? Demand to do something I refused? Try to cheat me out of my fee?”
“Fall in love.”
“Ahh, that question.” She smiled. “You’re not falling in love.”
“How can you be sure? I think, if I spent more time with you, I might.”
“No, you’re not. What you are is lonely. You were lonely before you came to Equestria. But here, where there are still so few of your kind, you feel even more lonely. And so you ascribe more significance to your interactions here than they deserve. So when you seek out somepony who offers physical affection, you immediately second guess yourself and jump to conclusions.”
“Maybe it’s different for humans. Maybe I am falling for you.”
“No, you a falling for the idea of me. The fantasy of the two of us together.”
“And what’s the difference? How can you be sure I’m not falling in love?”
“I suppose, I can’t. But right now, it is only a potential. You think, or maybe you fear, that if you spend more time with me it will be inevitable. Perhaps you might develop a fixation on me. But real love requires reciprocity. And I can’t reciprocate.”
“You can’t love because you’re a prostitute?”
“No, I can’t love you because I already love somepony else.”
I heard the record scratch sound effect in my head. I only know the sound from the cliche. Right now, my brain put it in right where the cliche said it should go. It felt weird.
“Love isn’t sex. Sex isn’t love either, despite the phrase ‘lovemaking.’ It’s just the expectations of society that have the two so entangled.”
“How...”
“That’s private. And yes, he knows what I do. We even talked about you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And that’s how I know you aren’t in love with me. He does understand.”
“Why are you here? Why do you do this? If he loves you...” I didn’t know how to end that sentence. I wasn’t even sure I was asking the right questions.
“I like what I do. I provide a service to those who need it. They come to me for many reasons. Some shallow and frivolous. Some are deep seated needs they can’t explain. Some are just lonely and want to talk. It doesn’t matter, they all leave my company feeling better. And they put their bits on my nightstand when they do leave. He knows that this is part of my life. My calling. And for understanding, for loving me, he gets the part of me that I never give to clients. And that is all I am ever going to say about him to you.”
I sat in stunned silence. My mind freewheeling. I watched as she took a napkin, and wrote her room number on it. She kissed it, leaving an impression of her lipstick. She slid it across the table to me, nudging my fingers with it. I dumbly picked it up.
“I think you need to feel good. I think you’ve needed to feel good for a long time now. Perhaps you’ll let me help you. We might even get onto something more than talking. But not tonight. One of my regulars is at the bar, and he’s been glancing this way for ten minutes now. Until next time.”
She drained the dregs of her virgin margarita, and got up from the table. As she walked to the bar, she swished her tail the same way she had the other night. I looked back down to the napkin.
Maybe I didn’t know what love is.
Maybe I’d knock on her door again.
But tonight, I think I need to be alone.
I should have known. I was like "Wait . . . Admiral wrote a clopfic?!" Should have known that it would turn out to be a rather melancholy trip into the slice of life of a working mare and a man who has more feelings than he ought to.
Ouch. I need a drink. Have a fave.
10156894
How to 'subvert expectations' 101 -- Know what it is you want to subvert, temper and refine that idea to fit the narrative and setting like a hand in a glove, and ensure that there is a payoff that trumps the luminous lure you sent you out to your target audience twofold at the very least. Optionally, let there be as well a potent lesson to be learned from it all, instead of some half-rumped out-of-nowhere ass pull dreck that so many stories sadly fall on in this day and age.
I loved this, would enjoy a sequel, you had me fooled.
10157009
I hate you.
I also love this.
damn man i actuly love this fic and now im curious if you will ship them both
10157009
This belongs in
- MLP: FiM
- Anthology
The continuation of an open anthology of continuations of other authors' stories.(and I think could be published there since this comment itself could be rated teen.)
10156668
Except reading it didn't make me want to eat my hat. And any story that leaves you without your hat is a bad story.
10157009
Anyone who directly serves customers eventually learns how to read people (or is fired, but this is what her cutie mark is for so incompetence is impossible). That still applies even for this service.
10156668
I had to read that for school and I agree with 10157409. Utter dreck where nothing happens even when the prostitute got involved (and I skipped that chapter initially because I assumed that something would happen. Sorry, our main character is just that boring and unlikable. I don't actually remember his name and I still probably wouldn't if he was a real person at my "local" hangout.)
I got that Princess bride reference!
10157409
Ponies probably softened the blow
10157426
A lot of old stuff is dreck that ultimately came down to the authors getting lucky or knowing someone.
Fucking Shakespeare... even the man himself seemed to have been surprised he had a career, and my teacher gushed from every useable bodily orifice the whole learning segment about his brilliance
This was quite well written, and the characters had a very natural feeling back and forth.
Shame I didn't like it at all.
10157555
To be fair to Shakespeare, he was a brilliant businessman. Practically invented pandering to the lowest common denominator, something that his successors in Hollywood have taken to with gusto.
this guy is a massive bitch holy shit
I actually really liked this. For reason I'll not divulge, I actually could kind of relate with the protagonist on several points.
I'm less of a gentleman and more sexually honest with myself so I would have no doubt done the deed before falling into the same emotional fox trap that he found himself in, but still.
That voice inside you whispering about what you really want growing louder and louder in your head as the immediate want for sex slowly gives way to a long suppressed need for emotional closeness and the crushing, but quiet and long buried burden of loneliness chafing and cutting like a jagged stone in your chest.
Standing at the edge of a certain but far-off heartbreak and pulling yourself back even though every fibre of your being is screaming at you to jump.
That you did put some effort into research shows. Well-written and surprisingly intellectually stimulating. Bravo.
Always nice to hear matter-of-fact, mature discussions about such things. Princess Cadance should get a faithful student of her own some time.
(Dr. Ruth totally deliberately exaggerated that 'r.' Much like Schwarzenegger hiring a dialect coach to help keep his original accent, her endearing accent is an intrinsic part of her professional persona)
Finally remembered the song, seems appropriate.
Oh sure, blame me.
This was a great story and a thought provoking one at that.
Great chapter. This story needs a sequel, would love to see the drama involved.
10157009
Oooow. That's some good closure.
Thanks!
I really needed that.
Huh, this was an interesting read, but I still feel like I'm missing context. Mainly, this protagonist. I feel like there's backstory I didn't know about, so I'll just ask the most basic question and start from there: Who's Joe?
10157555
I don't know if Shakespeare is worth gushing from every office worthy, but I do really enjoy his works. The language can be archaic and hard to worm through at times, and some of the insults, metaphors, and similes need some extra knowledge to grasp. Once you have that sorted though, his works are truly wonderful, and some of the dialogue quick, biting, and witty. Plus the fact that he does so much of it in iambic pentameter, or subverts it, gives a driving rhythm to his works.
All in all, I'd say he lives up to his fame even to this day.
I’ve always wonder if I was ever trapped in Equestria, or they came here, assuming I was young and single again could I have a physical relationship with a pony.
Would I be able to get past learning, prejudices, and taboo? Would what I know and see be enough to counter what ive known and seen?
I’m honestly not sure what I would ultimately decide.
10158715
Or maybe its not even that, it may be how peoples reaction to him.
10158650
It's marked as a sequel to another of Admirals stories, Field Notes from Equestria. Joe is a guy in Equestria reporting about some of the oddities, and in one chapter he meets Amorosa. Give it a read, real fun stuff.
With a description like that, I honestly expected subpar porn. What I got was a very wholesome and surprisingly adorable conversation about sex that I thoroughly enjoyed. You earned my star, Admiral, and I'll definitely check out your other work
10156668
Thank you!
10156691
Fits right in with her career, though.
Thank you! I wasn’t sure how well it would be received, being so heavily dialogue-driven, but that’s how it came to me so that’s how I had to write it.
10156696
And only half of that ten percent (roughly) is trolly.
Seriously, though, there are some which I’d argue shouldn’t have the M tag, but the mods argued otherwise, so. . . .
10156735
10156746
Acrylic is a great character, even if we never properly met her in YCH.
That’s a rule I’m never sure about . . . ditto for the blog post linked to a mature story (which is why it’s an inline blog this time).
10156828
Thank you!
Trust me, falling in love with a prostitute doesn’t end well. At least Joe’s wise enough to realize that before he’s in deeper than he intended.
10156884
10156894
Thank you!
It wasn’t supposed to be entirely subversive, but then I think that’s one of those things that’s in the eye of the beholder, y’know?
10156912
Wodge, huh? That’s a word I had to look up.
Thanks--I’m glad you liked it . . . and improved my vocabulary!
10156922
That’s the tagline on the related Golden Flowers story! (or should I say, Lady Flowers of Newnham Paddox)
I once dated an escort, picked up a few bits of information there. Also had a long conversation with an performer at a strip club in Windsor; I was the designated driver, so while my brother and his friends were tossing money at the strippers, I was nursing a Coke and chatting with the performers. Also used to work with a girl who’d had a job at a sex shop.
I’m sure any hotel clerk or security guard figures out pretty quick who the escorts are, and I’d also imagine that the high end ones don’t typically cause any kind of a fuss--they know what they’re doing, and the guy who pays knows what’s up, too. Legally, the “date” ending with her outside the hotel room and then knocking to get back in probably wouldn’t pass muster, but then I’d imagine that both parties have at least a reasonable amount of plausible deniability there, and the cops surely have bigger fish to fry.
Regular enough that you could set a clock to them!