• Member Since 14th Jun, 2012
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Seer


I'll turn into something

T
Source

Sweetie Belle is finally returning home after a long stay at Carousel Boutique.
This time, she really hopes things will be different.


Winner of wishcometrue's 'Going Home' contest for the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Group. The story was originally written in one hour, this version has received some refinement.
Thanks to Flashgen and Zontan for editing, and all who preread in the contest.
CW: Themes of child abuse, physical abuse & trauma

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Absolutely stunning story and it's easy to see why it won, which is saying a lot considering how many strong entries there were in that contest.

Why does the pony on the top right of the artwork remind me of Starlight Glimmer?

What's the Public Strain?

10076835
It's the mane style.

Should have posted this comment sooner, but a great story, Seer. The slow reveal of the gravity of things, and the way its effects are displayed through Sweetie's thoughts and reactions are wonderfully done. Paying mind to the fact that someone can appear like a different person under the effects of alcohol, and especially how their child has to reconcile those different selves was a good move, and it was handled flawlessly.

I have no words, for none are needed.

This was a fantastically written story. The details of Sweetie's thoughts and how the other two mares acted throughout felt true to life, and the imagery was very well done. Despite the grim subject matter, things end on a hopeful note for Sweetie's recovery, which is good to see.

You might want to consider adding an "other" tag for Cookie Crumbles. I'm glad to see a story that handles abuse seriously, and a lot of Sweetie's dread is familiar - painfully so, I have to say. Admittedly, the suspenseful buildup made me think that the mother was going to be the abusive party and a psychologically abusive one at that. I've found that most people who experience abuse from female abusers will be ridiculed and disbelieved in ways that are unimaginable if the genders are reversed, especially when female abuse has a trend towards the psychological - especially in mothers - and the story oozed that kind of setup.

“Totally different, sweetheart. So much better. I promise.”

Only one scene in and I already feel like collapsing from the painful relatability and subtle, yet, crushing emotions on display.

Her room was different in ways small and large. The tidying up Cookie had done was the most immediate way, but it felt comparatively minor. It wasn’t the appearance of neatness that struck Sweetie Belle, it was the absence of mess, ripped books and broken furniture. Destruction.

This paragraph here is so incredibly good, I can't put it into words other than I know this feeling, and you've done it masterfully.

She just kept eating.

This whole scene brought tears to my eyes, and I'll speak more specifically to this when I get to the main body of my comment.

Now for said body. The early dialogue when Sweetie is first coming back to her mother's house is like squeezing a water balloon filled with horrid acid. The tension is unreal, but in the abstract, it's only three ponies talking with each other's first of two faces. That is, if I squeezed this balloon and knew it was filled with acid, I'd be terrified of it popping. But if I didn't know, I would just think I'm squeezing a normal balloon. It was utterly BRILLIANT how early on the dialogue was like watching all of them talk with the first of their two faces, and the latter of which is weeping and terrified.

The things you did in this piece were subtly building towards something, like all great stories. This something was Sweetie bawling in the airlock, and Rarity retrieving her from it. When that door to it shut, it was the sealing off of the possibility of Sweetie's father coming back and hurting her. And beyond this, that Rarity would be there to catch her when she fell. It was the start of closure, as it will always be an uphill battle, and ultimately, will end lower than anyone who never had to climb this hill would be. And even at this shorter height, will still tumble down the hill again.

I would go into detail about how this is relatable, but knowing how close we are, I don't need to even in dms. You know that I know, and what I know is precisely what's being told in this story and the technical and masterful employment of subtle symbolism and raw, bitter emotions, being used to tell this wrenching story that I've lived, and to some extent, still do.

Every work I read of yours only serves to raise my opinion of your ability and my optimism in your improvement and success. Seer, this was beyond incredible, and I had a tear rolling down my cheek as I finished reading and began typing. I didn't wipe it off, instead letting it roll to my chin. I did this because I wanted to feel the emotion this elicited in me, and fully comprehend it. As usual, a brilliant work from a talented peer, and a wonderful friend. I have nothing but praise, truly.

“Sweetie Belle, wake up.”

...or you'll be late for school?

“Totally different, sweetheart. So much better. I promise.”

...I have a bad feeling about this.


..and I am going to say that bad feeling was correct, although in a different way than I had expected it to be.

Through a beautiful combination of words, you slowly build up the dreadful feeling, the unfounded fear that the cause of Sweetie Belle's suffering is still lurking in the house. Sweetie knows that isn't the truth, but her emotions and instincts tell otherwise.

The buildup of emotions, the rapidly-accumulating anxiety and fear by looking at The Airlock bursts into a beautiful yet terrifying explosion at the climax, Sweetie Belle stuck in the midst of the fireball until her sister comes to save her from her nightmares.

Really beautifully written, Seer, bravo! Gives a round of standing applause
I enjoyed this story, not just because of the points I mentioned above, but the way you expertly incorporated the prompt and the theme into your words! Really good read, would definitely give it a reread sometime! Once again, bravo!

:pinkiegasp: Congratulations on making me absolutely speechless. :pinkiegasp: You have earned another follower for this.

Oh no now Seer's on my list of "people who make me cry."

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