• Member Since 26th Oct, 2018
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Tranquil Serenity


"Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another." ― Alfred Adler

E
Source

Sweetie Belle hasn't come home yet, it's getting dark, and her older sister is worried. Where is she? Is she alright? What happened to her? And just what will Rarity do when her questions are answered?

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 20 )

And the next day, Rarity slapped a director. :twilightsmile:

9283864
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it! :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Last Thursday

9284157 Oh is that so, need I remind you of a certain incident involving teenage dragons, hmm.:twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Last Thursday

9285393 Ran away? That was a tactical retreat. Why fight if you don't have to after all.Of course there is a big difference between fighting dragons and slapping a director.

Comment posted by Tranquil Serenity deleted Last Thursday

Short and sweet. And it's simply written too, but well, which always perks up the old thumb that little bit more. Good pacing and use of language – far as I can tell anyway. Good job, bud; these 1000-word one-shots are nice for a quick read and actually pretty damn hard to pull off. I can't say I've cracked it.

Grammar/punctuation/typography time, hehe. Why have you used semicolons to introduce dialogue, may I ask? It's not something I've ever seen before.

She didn't look in Rarity's direction, but answered; "If you want," simply, and without any discernible degree of emotion.

There's that semicolon thing, and as a result, you've completely disconnected the adverb 'simply' from the verb 'answered'. Semicolons are used primarily between independent clauses, so why have you chosen to use them like this? Even if you were to replace this particular one with a comma, 'simply' remains in an unusual position. Both adverbials do. Would

... but answered simply, and without any discernible degree of emotion, "If you want."

not be preferable, at least in terms of syntax?

— She pulled on her own scarf, the item proof of her statement. —"I repeat, Sweetie Belle. Where. Were. You? "

You've used em dashes and a full stop? If using em dashes to place this sentence between dialogue, as far as I'm aware, you should omit the full stop.

There are a couple of other tiny things, like spaces between your speech marks where there shouldn't be any and second-letter capitalisation of what aren't proper nouns in a 'stammer' ('B-But' instead of 'B-but', for example). I only bring it up because I feel, when reading your writing, you pay attention to these kinds of things.

Anyway. Unexpectedly lengthy comment over. Good job, bud; I do like the story. Take the upvote!

9299485
Thank you for the pointers for the semicolon portion, I changed it as you suggested. :pinkiehappy:

The reason I keep the capitalization with the stammer, is because I personally think it both looks better and makes more sense. If someone interrupted you when you'd only said your first letter, you'd have to start speaking all over again - they're sort of interrupting themselves, so their second attempt is like a new sentence.

I don't know if there are official rules on it, but I kinda just like my way better anyways. I can't say I know for sure about the full stop dash situation official rules either, but I think I'll just leave it the way it is for the time being.

Thank you for the analytical eye though. I appreciate your polite, intelligent, and detailed comment - and most especially the complimentary portions. :raritywink:

Glad you thought I did well on this little one-shot, and thank you for taking the time to read it and tell me too. I'm grateful for the supportive feedback. :twilightsmile:

9299541
Fair's fair, hehe. We all have our little stylistic preferences and tendencies, and as you said, if the grammatical powers that be haven't much to say about it, what the heck, right?

No problem, and thanks for your kind comment in return. We're all on that same journey to what we hope we ourselves can consider to be success, so if I see something I think I could help with, you'd best believe I'll give it a shot, heh. Take care, man, and keep up the good work!

9299569
Um... say, I forgot to address one last thing. You said:

like spaces between your speech marks where there shouldn't be any

You also showed a space between the words I wrote and the quotation mark here:

Where. Were. You? "

But when I looked at the original text to check, the space wasn't there. I didn't find any spaces like that in the entire story, despite looking carefully. Did I misunderstand your meaning? :rainbowhuh:

9299623
Strange, because there were spaces like that in a few places, hence the quote. :rainbowhuh: Huh?!? You're right, I don't see any when going over it again.

I... am confused.

9300651
I guess so, although not one I've ever stumbled across before. Weird! Maybe Discord really is trolling us all.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!