I Burn First

Source

Wallflower just wanted to be forgotten. It was best for everyone if she was just left alone for good. That's why she hates Sunset, for never just giving her what she wanted.

That's why she loves her too.

Art by tzc.
Edited by Scampy.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 14 )

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darf

darf #1 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 4 · ·

Henlo. We liked this story and have some feedback.

Good thing 1) Your dialogue seemed to take a lot of attention to being realistic . Realistic dialogue is dope.
Good thing 2) Your descriptions were generally minimalistic but used a lot of high-intensity words to build mood and set scene focus.
Good thing 3) The setting is mundane and relatively ambiguous, which feels realistic and let's the reader immerse in the story more
Good thing 4) It's obvious this came from a level of real-life experience, given the care-to-detail in things like the room descriptions.

Thing I wondered 1) Were these the only two ponies who would have worked here? Could the context of a pre-existing relationship add more to the dysfunctional dynamic we're witnessing now?

Things I would have changed 1) Some description technique like "she said, ashamed" snuck in, where you normally do a very good job of showing the reader what the characters are feeling, rather than stating it objectively. I'm still relatively unsure about this particular convention, but it definitely pops up a lot.
Thing I would have changed 2) Some of the dialogue towards the end, especially as we approach the story's moral resolution, felt a little ham-fisted. I struggle with this problem immensely whenever I'm writing something that's supposed to have a 'moral' or reassuring theme, how best to fit it in there without just plastering it all over the page? It's a delicate balance, and not one I'm exactly sure I know what further to advise on. Just something worth noting, perhaps.

JackRipper

Moderator

JackRipper #2 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 3 · ·

10110844

Thing I wondered 1) Were these the only two ponies who would have worked here? Could the context of a pre-existing relationship add more to the dysfunctional dynamic we're witnessing now?

Well, it is EqG. Maybe other characters could have worked, but I wrote this with a very specific narrative in mind for someone I know. Wouldn't have worked with anyone else. :p

Thanks for the feedback though. Much appreciated.

VampDash

VampDash #3 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 3 · ·

Aw..... well I'm here for ya to buddy. That was a heartwarming and loving story.

JackRipper

Moderator

JackRipper #4 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 2 · ·

10110916

VampDash

VampDash #5 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 3 · ·

10110917

Not Enough Coffee

Not Enough Coffee #6 · Mar 1st, 2020 · 3 · ·

As a person who has gone through dark emotions and thoughts in the past, the line where Wallflower asked if she was "broken" hit me pretty good. It was a bit over done at the end with the dialogue, felt kinda pushy, but overall it was an enjoyable read.

You have a solid grasp on writing, Jack. Keep it up.

JackRipper

Moderator

JackRipper #7 · Mar 2nd, 2020 · 4 · ·

10111080

B_25

B_25 #8 · Mar 2nd, 2020 · 2 · ·

So...

She's saying that to me?

Ice Star

Ice Star #9 · Mar 2nd, 2020 · 2 · ·

It's nice to see a take on this where there's hope for recovery. You packed a lot of good detail in this with dialogue, descriptions, and those sweet, sweet formatting tricks on Sunny and Twi's texts.

JackRipper

Moderator

JackRipper #10 · Mar 2nd, 2020 · · ·

10112184
Thanks.

Lumina Faith

Lumina Faith #11 · Jun 30th, 2020 · · ·

Your story has been reviewed!

Gay For Gadot

Gay For Gadot #12 · Dec 14th, 2020 · 1 · ·

Man, this reminds me a lot of Regrowth. I hope that's the vibe you were going for, because you nailed that same push-pull dynamic here. Really liked the inclusion and use of Sci-Twi's l33t hax0r skills to save the day. The colored text and timestamps worked well to add to that effect.

Solid dialogue and descriptions here. I always marvel at folks who can finish a story in less than 3K words, because that seems to by minimum for something I'm satisfied with. Every word felt purposeful. The transitions were really well done, both in terms of scene changes and in mood. Despite the darker content, I get a real... peaceful feeling, from this? Like, a cautious optimism. Which is something I've personally felt (not in this situation, but in others), so it feels authentic.

I can see why this is featured on Scampy's page. Great work.

JackRipper

Moderator

JackRipper #13 · Dec 14th, 2020 · 1 · ·

10580013

The colored text and timestamps worked well to add to that effect.

Thanks for the words of praise. I like to introduce something new in each of my stories so that my audience will go "Huh, that's neat. Never seen that before."

This story was difficult for me because you have to really immerse yourself in the genre, I had to feel dark if I wanted to write dark. My stories tend to be under 3k because of my writing style. Always trimming the fat off the meat, micro-editing until the piece of coal becomes the diamond I'm looking for. It's an arduous process but I think it makes the final product worth reading.

Flora Blossom