• Member Since 15th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen 52 minutes ago

Shimmeringsun


T

The aftermath of the fall formal. Sunset was broken that night. She needs someone to be there for her to help her become a better person. Is anyone willing to give her a second chance?

Chapters (14)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 123 )

Um, yeah. I don't need to point out again everything that ruined the story. The first story thing is just a lazy excuse though.

I do like the idea at least.

Very good I'm enjoying this

9915779
I’ve honestly never had much experience writing fanfics. I’m purely just doing this out of love for Sunset/Luna. I’ve had so many ideas in my head for an adoption story. I’m just not that great at writing. I’m hoping I can get better in time.

For a first story it's not bad.

The best way to improve your writing is to write. Once you've got the rough idea/draft down, go back and read it aloud to yourself. If it doesn't sound like a natural conversation it's best to rewrite it till it does.

Good effort overall though and good luck in your future endeavors!

9920291
Thank you for the advice! I didn’t think it would be that hard to write fanfics but it actually is. Hopefully I’ll improve as I go on! I have a lot of ideas for this fic. :)

9920794
Writing, whether it's and original story, fanfiction or even documentation, is tougher than most people want to admit. Like any skill though, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Best of luck!

First off I feel like Luna could possibly have some ptsd second off the way you described Luna was as asocial not antisocial (asocial is that you don't like people and prefer to be alone. Antisocial is when you go out on want to hurt people.) And finally you used waste of space right and in a good spot but it's still hard to see I just want to remind you to be careful with whet you write as you don't know how it may affect someone like I've been called waste of space by my mom more then once and it made me almost numb to people's words and nothing has hurt me worse than that and no one has been able to come up with a worse sentence to use on me so you should have part of what the demon I saying to her to make her either stronger or weaker.

9937969
I am so sorry you had to go through that, that must of been horrible. Thanks for pointing that out, I wouldn’t want anyone to have an affect like that on my writing or make anyone upset. I don’t want to make excuses but I’m just new to writing fics on here, I have so many ideas for this fic but it’s SO hard to try and get everything down in words and make sure it comes across okay. I wanted to write a fic about Sunset and Luna because I feel like they both bounce of each other well and are both very similar characters, I feel like In real that’s who Sunset would of ended up with in the human world. Anyway, sorry I’m going off track. Thank you for your comment, I’ll need to make a few changes.

9938128
No don't change it it works really well in the story you didn't just put it there it shows where sunset is mentally. I just like to remind people to be careful with what they are writing as it can bring back memories for some (it's like a trigger for people with ptsd)

I still enjoyed the last version better in my opinion but since 70% of this was basically like the last one and that your new at this I'll let it slide I guess

I now I left I pretty serious comment last time but I honestly love this story your doing an amazing job for an beginner. If your ever looking for some ideas on how to continue the story you can always ask me. I'm glad you redid some of the story though it flows alot better. Well done I hope to see this story get finished and not abandoned like so many other great story's.

9949810
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments :) and yeah I hope too get it done too, I have a lot of ideas so I’m just hoping it all works out well! Some stuff didn’t make sense to me so that’s why I changed it, I’m slowly getting there and getting the hang of things now!

Love the story so far can't wait for the next chapter. Few grammar problems here and there but whatever. I'm known for making those every oncell and while.
Love the interaction between Luna and sunset. Also love the interaction or lack thereof between Sunset and Celestia

9950409
Thank you so much! I’ll make sure to fix those mistakes, I am currently just working on the next chapter. Luna and Sunset are my favourites, it was your story that inspired me to write my own. Your story is great. I love the idea of VP Luna adopting Sunset, it makes a lot of sense to me. Sunset must of had some help in the human world with Celestia and Luna or she wouldn’t still be there. In more of the story Celestia and Sunset will become more closer, Sunset is just keeping her distance from her as she’s already knows Princess Celestia. I’m really glad you love my story! I only hope mines be as good as yours someday. Keep it up :)

Besides a few typos I see there aren't any changes to be made since it was indeed good

9950547
I'm glad I was able to inspire you to start writing. Honestly, I'm a little overwhelmed, I never thought my story would have that kind of affect. I'm overjoyed that I could help make such a great story come to the makings. I'm hoping to be able to put a chapter out soon, my hours at work increased leaving me with less time to write but I'm still working on it. I'm throwing in some elements that I think will surprise others.

9951380
It’s honestly a great story! I love way you write and Sunset and Luna seem to have a good relationship already, I can’t wait to see to them get closer. I look forward to reading your next chapter!

I feel you need to break up those large paragraphs a bit to make it easier to read but I'm liking the story so far!

9954771
Thank you! I’ll try my best to fix them!

OK oof that wall of text, but I couldn't get through the Demon encounter before calling it a try.

I don't think I could list how the updates to Chapters 1 and 2 made them readable, but please let me know when things are fully updated, and I'll peace out with this word of advice: take notes as you read other people's stories, you can find ways to write that will make your own work shine.

you should add a violence tag if this will happen again or just put one for this chapter if this is the only time you plan on this happening. great chapter but it was a little sudden if you had planned this chapter you should have put the tag but your story doesn't include that tag so most would just assume its gonna be a chill story. i personally enjoy reading aftermath stories from the formal with this kind of theme but some don't and wont read the story if it has certain tags which makes sense but it sucks for a writer to loss readers due to something as simple as a tag or a title.

9972892
Thanks! I actually never thought of that I’ll make sure I’ll put it in the tags.

9955489
I tried my best to update those chapters, I done my best to try and separate the walls of text, but I’m not sure if it’s any good.

9973670
No problem. This is a great story I'm sorry I've been a little critical over some of the little stuff but I want this to be the best story it can be.

9974130
Thank you! And no don’t apologise, I would rather have that to be honest, it’s the only way I’m going to learn. I’m new to this so I don’t really know what I’m doing half the time so it’s good to get some feedback. I want to do really well on this too.

I like how you're doing the two steps forward one step back thing with Sunset. It captures the essence of Sunsets character. I like that she still has some fire left in her.
BTW, when will the Rainbooms male their move? I honest think that the one on one interaction with them would be best. Like start with one of the five that she didn't do too much to. Like Applejack or Rarity, maybe? Just some food for thought, no need to added it in just because I suggested it.

9988907
Thank you! And yeah I still wanted to leave some of fire left in Sunset, that’s part of her personality. In the next chapter I want to write about Sunset’s backstory but I don’t know how to go about it, I’ll need to try and plan it out. I want to try and include the rainbooms more in the next few chapters but I kind of struggle to write some of the characters. I never thought of doing one to ones with them and it sounds like a good idea, but I don’t know when or how I would put in it and make it good.
With Sunset’s past, I think I’m going to make Luna be the first one to find out about it, I’m scared incase I’m rushing this but I feel like Sunset/Luna would bond quicker than anyone because they’re so similar and I feel like Luna would be hurt about hearing about Sunset’s past. Although, I still feel like Applejack would have a good understanding of Sunset when she gets to know her even I include a bit about that.

9989413
I would either start with sunsets past with her parents or with the princess and leave the other for next time. Personally I think going for the parent route makes more sense than princess celestia and then make it so sunset has a breakthrough with Principal Celestia then she talks about her time with the princess with both luna and celestia. Since luna is her guardian it'd make sense for luna to learn about her past with her parents so luna can make sure not to repeat their mistakes.

9989553
Thank you for the advice! I was thinking that if Sunset told Luna about her life in Equestria and growing up there, she would mention the Princess but not fully telling her who was it because she stills feel too uncomfortable to talk about it and she would be scared to think what Luna would think if she found out who. I’m still trying to think about what kind of life Sunset would of had with her parents, not sure which route I want to do go down yet. I didn’t think writting a backstory would be this hard, but it’s a lot of thought.

9989605
I understand. I actually have been working on one and I think I've come to like what I've decided on. My next chapter will mostly likely be out on Monday or Tuesday of this week

9989951
Yay! Can’t wait to read the new chapter!

Ok I like to see Luna have a meeting with Princess Celestia, and SLAP HER HARD! For failing Sunset and failing her in several ways, one being her teacher.would be mother, and finally as her ruler.

For repeating if not fubar in a way worst then she did with Luna, and sure she realize thanks to her Twilight a neurotic mess!
Second i like Princess celestia track down Sunset's father and if possible imprison him, be forced to sober up.

Nice! Enjoying this a lot. But now, I need to know what Gilda and Trixie are planning.

9996301
Thanks for your comment! And don’t worry I definitely have stuff planned between Luna and Princess Celestia. Although, that won’t be until later on ( don’t want to spoil too much, but maybe the two will have a meeting after battle of the bands or before) Luna has only just heard about The Princess, she has no clue who she is yet but when she finds out what happened between her and Sunset, Luna will be downright pissed about it, she will feel angry as it’s caused Sunset so much hurt and with Luna being the only one that has been there through it all with Sunset, she’s going to have a hard time dealing with it, I’m also planning that Principal Celestia will have an effect on it too, once Sunset starts to open up to her more she will have more of an understanding of her.

9996308
Thank you so much! I’m glad you’re enjoying this, I enjoyed reading you’re fic, And yeah Trixie and Gilda will make another appearance, although I don’t really know what I have planned for it yet, I just kinda need to see where it would all fit in.

9996409
Got to ask what ever happened with Luna's parents? Did Celestia tear into them for abandoning her? Alsp cid Celestia realized she bucked up too with her sister?
Not all of it was Luna's fault but I'm sure a lot was on their parents. Wouldn't blame celestia if she never spoke to them again.

9996413
With Luna’s and Celestia’s parents I’m not sure what direction I wanna go yet with them, i feel like Celestia was close with her parents but not so much Luna, in the next chapter I want to mainly focus on Luna’s past and her telling her stories too Sunset, which then Luna will bring her parents up and what kind of relationship they had together. To be honest I need to give that part more thought.

Love the chapter. Can't wait to see what else you do. Hope to see something with luna's parents.

9996741
Thank you!! :) and yeah it will be something Sunset and Luna be discussing in the next chapter, I feel like if Sunset opened up to Luna about her past Luna would do the same with her, so that Sunset knows she’s not alone. Although, I still need to think on how I want to write it, I’m not sure if I want to bring Principal Celestia into this chapter yet, I don’t know if that would look like I’m rushing it.

9996760
I'd do luna. Get her side of the story. Then once Sunset's and Celestia's get a more stable relationship with each other then have celestia's side. Just a thought though.

9996762
Thank you so much for you input. I think it would be better to do Luna first, makes sense if the two are becoming close, just need to think when Celestia will make her move with Sunset.

Question, do you upload weekly?

9996774
Just whenever i have finished the chapter really, I haven’t got a weekly schedule yet. I’m on Christmas break right now So chapters may be out faster than others but I don’t know if it might be slower in the new year because of exams but I’ll still be working on and try my best to get a chapter out, maybe once a week or two.

Great chapter, i love it.

Next chapter hoo boy, I think they be finding out about Princess Celestia....sighs
Wonder who be angier at the Princess Luna or Celestia.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!