Rarity Dreams of Non-Electric Sheep

by Kris Overstreet

Luna Doesn't Actually Appear in This Fic

Twilight had just taken the first forkful of waffle when Rarity, ten minutes late for breakfast, barged through the door in a badly disheveled bathrobe. Her mane, far from its usual chic curls, still looked matted and tangled from a bad night's sleep. Her sleeping mask still hung by its elastic from one ear.

"Oh, girls, girls!" Rarity wailed. "I'm so sorry I was late, but I just had this horrible-" She laid a foreleg across her brow in dramatic fashion and moaned, "-HORRIBLE dream!"

Applejack swallowed a bite of waffle and applesauce and said, "Lemme guess. It was th' worst nightmare ever, wasn't it?"

"No, no, no," Rarity said, shaking her head. "It was not the 'worst nightmare ever.' No. It was the..." She reared up on hind legs, switching forelegs to press against her brow, and declaimed, "WORST! POSSIBLE! NIGHTMARE! EVER!!" She flung herself backwards on a chaise-lounge which hadn't been there a moment before. After a moment she lifted her head and added, in a normal tone of voice, "The emphasis is so important, you understand."

"Yeeeeeap," Applejack drawled.

"Oooh! I speak Big Macinese!" Pinkie Pie piped up. "That means, 'I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole!'"

"Okay, so you had a bad dream," Rainbow Dash said, folding her hooves. "Luna doesn't show up to every bad dream. She's only one pony. But if it was really bad she would, so whatever you had can't be that bad."

"Oh, how mistaken you are, Rainbow Dash," Rarity replied. "Imagine seeing something so lovely, so exquisite, so perfect, that you simply must have it... only to have it taken away from you, in such a manner as to bring all your hopes and dreams crashing down!"

"You know," Pinkie Pie added, "the way you feel every time you pass a mirror!"

"Hey! I am NOT that bad!" Rainbow Dash snapped. She looked around the other five mares and repeated, "Really! I am NOT that bad!"

None of the others would make eye contact with her.

"Okay," Rainbow Dash said, backing down a little, "I'm not that bad anymore. Can we get back to Rarity here?"

"Yes, now," Twilight Sparkle said, "what kind of dream was it? Do you remember it?"

"I remember every single dreadful detail!" Rarity gasped.

"Then tell us all about it!"

"No!" Rarity shook her head, eyes closed. "The horror of the dream... it's unspeakable! I can't possibly bring myself to talk about it!"

"Hm..." Pinkie Pie hmmmed. "Could you maybe describe it in a totally spontaneous and unrehearsed musical number that just happens for no reason because that's just how things work around here?"

Rarity considered this, after spending a moment to mentally strip the proposal of about fifty percent of its Pinkieness. "That could work," she admitted.

"Cool! Lemme get it started!" Pinkie pointed to the gray earth mare in the corner. "Hit it, Octy!"

Octavia shrugged and put the bow to her cello.

"Um, when did Octavia get here?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, I asked her to come over because I thought we might like some soft music with our Spiffy Wiffly Waffly Breakfast and for no other reason whatever!" Pinkie Pie said, showing more tooth than most ponies were normally equipped with.

Octavia shrugged, drew the bow, and began playing quick arpeggios in a disturbing minor key.

Rarity hesitated, listening to the music, and eventually said, "It was a dream about sheep-"

"Oooh, I know!" Pinkie Pie giggled, and began singing to Octavia's playing:

Sheep dreams are made of these
Who am I to disagree
I've carded the wool and I've sheared the fleece
And everybody's hungry for mutton-

"No, no, no," Rarity said. "This was a dreadful dream, but not this kind of dreadful. Sorry, Octavia," she added as the cellist came to a stop. "But... well... I think instead of a fast cello solo, this tale would be better suited to a slow, lonesome electric guitar solo."

Octavia nodded, then whistled. A castle window opened, and the cello and bow floated out in an aura of light blue. As the classical instrument went out the window, a guitar and amplifier floated in, landing next to Octavia. She took the guitar into her hooves, plucked the strings to check the tuning, and nodded to herself.

Then she began playing a plaintive melody, each note singing out as if they pulled on the listener's very soul.

"That's better," Rarity said, and nodding her head, she added, "As I said, this was a dream about sheep. And fashion. I dreamt I was at a fashion show, and at first it seemed most wonderful..."

From nowhere a drumbeat backed up Octavia's guitar playing, and Rarity sang:

On a high fashion runway, chic scarf on my hair
Top-end fashionistas gathered round everywhere
On the stage in the distance I saw a glimmering light
My eyes grew wide and my heartbeat quickened at the show for tonight

Eight sheep stood on the runway, a ram ringing a bell
And none of them were wearing clothes, so I couldn’t guess what they could sell
Then they lit up the footlights, then they showed us their wares
On the spools and in the bundles were the things made from their hairs

They were there to show their woolen media
Such a lovely piece made of fresh-cut fleece
Everypony wanted to go for woolen media
Wintertime is near, get your flannels here

The thread was carefully twisted, the yarn had clean-cut ends (and they said)
“Place your orders now and be the envy of your friends!”
How they danced on the runway, eight female sheep
All shades of the rainbow colored more than skin deep

I called to the ram and said, “Please show me your line!” (and he said)
“We haven’t carried anything so coarse since the fibers grew so fine!”
And still the ponies were crowding around the stage
Crushed me up against the brassy railing in their fashion rage

They were there to buy their woolen media
Such a lovely piece made of fresh-cut fleece
Fighting to touch just a piece of woolen media
From the wool they spin, knit a cardigan

Fabric I was wanting, a nice serge would be nice (but she said)
“None of us can handle a loom or any such device,”
And in the lead sheep’s hooves I saw a horrid piece-
Though she stabbed it with her purling hooks she just couldn’t knit the fleece!

Last thing I remember I was trotting ‘cross the floor
I had such plans for woolen clothes I needed fabric for
“Alas!” said the ram, “this order we cannot receive-
Ewes can trick out any twine you like, but ewes can never weave!”

Author's Note:

I love feghoots.

But I just couldn't think of any pun to build a story off of... until the last couplet just popped into my head about an hour and a half ago.

Incidentally, the stunned silence which followed Rarity's horrible revelation was the perfect length for three minutes of hard-core seventies shredding by Octavia, and of course she took full advantage of it.

Comments

[WanderingPony]

"But... well... I think instead of a fast cello solo, this tale would be better suited to a slow, lonesome electric guitar solo."

Rarity isn't bad with a guitar herself.

But this was art.

[Blaster M]

Get this writer a medal!

[FanOfMostEverything]

I do appreciate how Vinyl was apparently on standby with literally every instrument imaginable ready for deployment. Now that's teamwork.

In any case, magnificent work. Best of luck in the contest.

[Darkstarling]

Dammit...

Took me too long to figure out the tune, so I had to read it again.

[Georg]

Not too sheepish to leave us with a woolly pun, I see.

[Skeeter The Lurker]

I spent the fic reading it and thinking of the tune...

Then the last line hit and I will never see that song the same.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[Lainofthewired]

*cue the 3 minute guitar solo*

[An Intricate Disguise]

Shit I was gonna use this cover art so long ago.

I remember using Paint to remove the RPG.

[Daremo]

9688519
Same here, and to help out I found a karaoke mix of the song on youtube.

[Kris Overstreet]

9688868 9688519 Technically, there's two tunes, though Pinkie Pie barely got started. Did you catch that one?

[Daremo]

9688870
I'm a child of the 80's so Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics was relatively easy.

[Darkstarling]

9688870
Oh yeah, I got Sweet Dreams right away.

Cheese Sandwich, of course, prefers the ‘who am I to diss a brie’ version.

[B_Munro]

A Filk with a Feghoot?

Fabulous!

[Claw in Cursive]

I just heard that song on the radio!

***

"Eeee-ques-tri-a's Top 40!"

"This is Casey Kasram with Equestria's Top 40. Our long-distance dedication goes out to a special mare and sister making it work against the odds. The letter begins:
Dear Casey,
Several years ago, a young unicorn struggled to live up to her cutie mark as a pony of fashion in the small town of Ponyville. She opened her very first fashion boutique, in spite of no one in town wearing clothes except for the local apple farmer. Even though she didn't have many customers, she always found the time to be generous and gave away many outfits to those in need. Another special unicorn moved there and became the librarian, only to face down an unspeakable evil. The fashion designer, the farmer, the local baker, the local animal caretaker and one of the weather ponies, under the guidance of the librarian, defeated Nightmare Moon and saved Equestria. The librarian later became Princess Twilight Sparkle, and those six friends are better known as the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.

"Casey, please play Hotel Gallopforya for my sister, Rarity, who still finds the time to be generous to everypony around her, even as she saves Equestria and runs her fashion empire -- especially her little sister.
Signed, Sweetie Belle

"All right, Sweetie Belle, here's your long-distance dedication..."

[Hillbe]

Wow, that was a real nightmare

the worst

you can have my wooly cap

but I'm the one who gave it to you

ewe can have it

ewe said the ewe word

[ibanix]

I got the tune from the first line, and was like "Oh damn this is going to be work ". Nice job!

[James Pwyll]

How to make a story better? Make it into a musical

[Muggonny]

You're a true shepherd of the pen. The shear concept is interesting enough.

[keybounce]

this tale would be better suited to a slow, lonesome electric guitar solo."

I was expecting something from "Sound of Silence" after this.

[Kris Overstreet]

9691279

Hello darlings, my best friends
I've come to whine at you again
About the things I saw in my dreaming
About buying thread for my seaming
And the vision involved some technicolor ewes
(Whoever knew?)
Selling thread that was wound so stylish

... yeah, this one doesn't work nearly so well.

[keybounce]

I like it :-)

[howard035]

I feel like rather than Octavia, Rarity should have been hacked up by griffons.

[Geminii]

Tagging with #filk :)

[PresentPerfect]

I hate myself for upvoting this, but that was rather impressive and you did make me laugh.

Also, it's much more fun to the tune of "Through the Fire and Flames". :)

[avidreader07]

I honestly had no clue what song it was supposed to be until the last line. I'm going to have to read this again some other time, when I can play the song on YouTube, because I just can't get it right in my head.

[Admiral Biscuit]

Brilliant work!

I got the first sing right away, the second... I thought it was "Turn the Page," and then when I figured out what it actually was and tried to start over, I wound up intermixing the tunes in my head and that was kind of weird.

[PaulAsaran]

You can has review!

[WannaBeLaika]

I clicked on the source button. I realised what I thought was a horn on the top was an RPG... My first thought:

"Well, shit."