• Member Since 5th Feb, 2019
  • offline last seen 45 minutes ago

The Cloptimist


E

A magical accident leads to Starlight Glimmer mistakenly sending three unlikely heroines halfway across the world. Now, lost in a strange land, they fight to survive and seek a way home; meanwhile, a guilt-stricken Starlight tries to work out what went wrong, and Princess Twilight gets ready to mount a rescue.

My (deeply unsuccessful) entry for the excellent Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest!
Prompts: Derpy, Tartarus, Maretonia, Pony Politics, Diamond Tiara


"Just go read it, you won't regret it!" - Bug Reports
9/10, My Little Reviews & Feedback
"Entertaining and very readable" - 3*, Louder Yay

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 32 )

So, I got kind of stuck on the two stories I'm working on, and then chanced upon the Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest, and noticed there were a few days left until the deadline, so... I figured, why not?

And, luckily, the prompt card I got suggested a story to me straight away to incorporate all five - I was very lucky!

Anyhow. This is my first multi-chapter story, and I'm hoping to have it finished and submitted in the next couple of days; if you spot any huge, um, errors, please do flag 'em up!

This sounds like an interesting story in the making. Looking forward to see where it goes.... and what the tracks belong to.

I'm liking it so far.

I like Diamond's portrayal and the insight into Derpy.
Trixe seems a little less ... Trixie after the accident, but it I expect her to return to form once the shock wears off and she gets annoyed at something.

Yeah. definitely tracking this.

--Spade

This is set up to be quite the adventure. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you and the cast go from here.

9548609
Thank you! I'm having a lot of fun with this, but I kind of wish it wasn't restricted by the contest, which will make it feel kind of rushed - the hard 20k word limit means I'm already over a third of the way there, when I could probably have written an epic adventure five or six times as long as that.

Sorry, Captain, they don't speak Tourist. (Tourist is like your native language, but louder and slower, to help foreigners understand you better.)

In any case, things are certainly looking up... as long as the trio doesn't attempt any daring escapes from their rescuers.

9554174
Heh. "AP-PLE-JACK! FLUT-TER-SHY! Remember?"

And, well, there are quite a few more... errors to be made yet. By nearly everyone involved in the story.

I know that, technically, per the rules of the contest, I didn't need to write a scene that actually took place in Tartarus, but it would have felt like a bit of a cheat if I hadn't. Anyway, I always liked the idea that Tartarus would be a bit like the Changeling hive from the S6 finale; there are so many great fanfic versions of it, the S8 finale depiction of it as just a big cave in some mountainside with, like, one prisoner and ten monsters, was - for me - a massive letdown. So... I "fixed" it.

Since the S8 finale, I also wanted to write a little scene about Starlight visiting the place, and ruminating on which cell she'd have been flung into if pony society wasn't quite so quick to forgive, so there's that!

Coming next, what happened to our three heroines in some backwater police station in the Maretonian desert?

"...Besides," said the guard, "it's not like they're going anywhere..."

Uh...Dun, Dun, Duuuun?😕

The physical door you heard about - because we now share highly sensitive, classified information with civilians, apparently

:twilightangry2: "Cerberus literally walked into town one day. Literally zero guards showed up to help. I had to personally escort him back to his post. Get off our backs."

And yeah, Tartarus is definitely more than it appears, especially considering the inconsistencies between "School Raze" and "Twilight's Kingdom." This portrayal works very well indeed.

9561929
Well, quite! That guard is going to feature in a future story that came to me while I was writing this (her lack of name here is intentional, that'll be important in the other story!), but for the purposes of this one, she's just meant to come across as a lifelong military mare who doesn't really trust or hold terribly high opinions of (a) civilians in general, and (b) Starlight in particular.

The End! With a couple of hours to spare!

Sorry the finish was a little rushed there - the contest had a hard 20k word limit and I was right up against it. I hope you enjoyed the story, anyway - I don't think I'll be doing another multi-chapter adventure again in a hurry!

Aye, as Trixie said, it was fun; thanks. :)

9565179
Thanks, I had a lot of fun writing it! I think I'm better at character pieces than multi-chapter adventure things that need actual storylines, but it was great to try something like this anyway.

"Maybe you should have run for mayor," muttered Filthy under his breath.

"Been there. Did that. Got run out of town."

In any case, a truly delightful conclusion. Even if Trixie nearly ruined everythig. And of course Hoo'far was the interpreter. She just can't get away from that guy.

Thank you for a wonderful adventure. Best of luck in the judging.

9572154
Aw, thank you very much! I had so much fun writing it.

Even though this didn't get anywhere at all in the contest it was written for, and it's my least-viewed story ever (although as of today there are no downvotes, which is a novel experience!), I had an absolute blast writing it. Thanks to everyone who read it, I hope you had fun too!

I realised that - probably because she wasn't featured in the contest prompts - I'd not tagged Starlight as a major character here, but she obviously is (all the Ponyville and Tartarus chapters revolve around her!), so I've made that little change and also added this story to a couple of the best Starlight groups.

Why do I feel that Filthy Rich would actually make a pretty good political candidate?

I thought there was something vaguely familiar with how those ponies were speaking.

Unamused Trixie is also a very fun Trixie.

Is there any reason why Derpy’s name is inconsistent in the narrative? (Or Muffins, depending on what you want to call her.)

This gang was fun to follow. I really liked how well Diamond Tiara tended to take charge. I guess there’s a future in leadership waiting for her with that attitude.

9691690
I was wondering when someone would notice that! It's actually not (supposed to be) inconsistent - she's Derpy in the narration, and Muffins in dialogue. (Unless I missed one or two, in which case oops.) My little nod to/poke at the enforced name change.

9691671
I can't take credit for that, I'm afraid! That comes from the comics, where he runs for Mayor of Ponyville (and where the Pony Politics bingo tile image came from).

9720959
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!

10291356
Oh wow, thank you so much! Nopony ever reviews my longer pieces, so it's great to be able to talk about this one.

Yeah, the ending was badly rushed - the contest had a hard 20,000 word limit and I was right up against it. I had, indeed, planned to have a whole extra chapter in there detailing the rescue a bit more, but just ran out of space. It feels wrong going back to "fix" it now.

And the machine-generated Arabic - I mean, I did apologise for it likely being horribly mangled gibberish in the author's note for that chapter. I was going to just have the Maretonians talking in generic Unintelligble Foreign Language as far as the Equestrians were concerned (with their POV then revealing what was being said), but then thought it might as well be something analogous from Earth, even if I knew Google was butchering both the translation and transliteration the words! If anyone out there does speak Arabic and wants to provide an actual translation/transliteration of what the Maretonian ponies are saying, I'd be glad to have it.

Thank you again for the kind review, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story! And if you do decide to read anything else I wrote, I hope you enjoy that too.

Trixie teaching consideration? Did the spell turn her brains inside out or something?

10491274
Kind of - I wanted her to be disoriented and snippy, but also to reflect Starlight being an influence. Also, thanks for reading, this one gets so little attention it's fun to receive comments on it!

10492695
You're welcome - I was skimming the whole bingo group to see how the different parts got mixed.

Login or register to comment