A magical accident leads to Starlight Glimmer mistakenly sending three unlikely heroines halfway across the world. Now, lost in a strange land, they fight to survive and seek a way home; meanwhile, a guilt-stricken Starlight tries to work out what went wrong, and Princess Twilight gets ready to mount a rescue.
My (deeply unsuccessful) entry for the excellent Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest!
Prompts: Derpy, Tartarus, Maretonia, Pony Politics, Diamond Tiara
"Just go read it, you won't regret it!" - Bug Reports
9/10, My Little Reviews & Feedback
"Entertaining and very readable" - 3*, Louder Yay
Chapters (7)
So, I got kind of stuck on the two stories I'm working on, and then chanced upon the Season 9 Bingo Writing Contest, and noticed there were a few days left until the deadline, so... I figured, why not?
And, luckily, the prompt card I got suggested a story to me straight away to incorporate all five - I was very lucky!
Anyhow. This is my first multi-chapter story, and I'm hoping to have it finished and submitted in the next couple of days; if you spot any huge, um, errors, please do flag 'em up!
This sounds like an interesting story in the making. Looking forward to see where it goes.... and what the tracks belong to.
I'm liking it so far.
I like Diamond's portrayal and the insight into Derpy.
Trixe seems a little less ... Trixie after the accident, but it I expect her to return to form once the shock wears off and she gets annoyed at something.
Yeah. definitely tracking this.
--Spade
This is set up to be quite the adventure. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you and the cast go from here.
9548609
Thank you! I'm having a lot of fun with this, but I kind of wish it wasn't restricted by the contest, which will make it feel kind of rushed - the hard 20k word limit means I'm already over a third of the way there, when I could probably have written an epic adventure five or six times as long as that.
Sorry, Captain, they don't speak Tourist. (Tourist is like your native language, but louder and slower, to help foreigners understand you better.)
In any case, things are certainly looking up... as long as the trio doesn't attempt any daring escapes from their rescuers.
9554174
Heh. "AP-PLE-JACK! FLUT-TER-SHY! Remember?"
And, well, there are quite a few more... errors to be made yet. By nearly everyone involved in the story.
I know that, technically, per the rules of the contest, I didn't need to write a scene that actually took place in Tartarus, but it would have felt like a bit of a cheat if I hadn't. Anyway, I always liked the idea that Tartarus would be a bit like the Changeling hive from the S6 finale; there are so many great fanfic versions of it, the S8 finale depiction of it as just a big cave in some mountainside with, like, one prisoner and ten monsters, was - for me - a massive letdown. So... I "fixed" it.
Since the S8 finale, I also wanted to write a little scene about Starlight visiting the place, and ruminating on which cell she'd have been flung into if pony society wasn't quite so quick to forgive, so there's that!
Coming next, what happened to our three heroines in some backwater police station in the Maretonian desert?
Uh...Dun, Dun, Duuuun?😕
9561806
(GASPS IN PONISH)
And yeah, Tartarus is definitely more than it appears, especially considering the inconsistencies between "School Raze" and "Twilight's Kingdom." This portrayal works very well indeed.
9561929
Well, quite! That guard is going to feature in a future story that came to me while I was writing this (her lack of name here is intentional, that'll be important in the other story!), but for the purposes of this one, she's just meant to come across as a lifelong military mare who doesn't really trust or hold terribly high opinions of (a) civilians in general, and (b) Starlight in particular.
Nice!
The End! With a couple of hours to spare!
Sorry the finish was a little rushed there - the contest had a hard 20k word limit and I was right up against it. I hope you enjoyed the story, anyway - I don't think I'll be doing another multi-chapter adventure again in a hurry!
Aye, as Trixie said, it was fun; thanks. :)
9565179
Thanks, I had a lot of fun writing it! I think I'm better at character pieces than multi-chapter adventure things that need actual storylines, but it was great to try something like this anyway.
"Been there. Did that. Got run out of town."
In any case, a truly delightful conclusion. Even if Trixie nearly ruined everything. And of course Hoo'far was the interpreter. She just can't get away from that guy.
Thank you for a wonderful adventure. Best of luck in the judging.
9572154
Aw, thank you very much! I had so much fun writing it.
Even though this didn't get anywhere at all in the contest it was written for, and it's my least-viewed story ever (although as of today there are no downvotes, which is a novel experience!), I had an absolute blast writing it. Thanks to everyone who read it, I hope you had fun too!
I realised that - probably because she wasn't featured in the contest prompts - I'd not tagged Starlight as a major character here, but she obviously is (all the Ponyville and Tartarus chapters revolve around her!), so I've made that little change and also added this story to a couple of the best Starlight groups.
Why do I feel that Filthy Rich would actually make a pretty good political candidate?
I thought there was something vaguely familiar with how those ponies were speaking.
Unamused Trixie is also a very fun Trixie.
Is there any reason why Derpy’s name is inconsistent in the narrative? (Or Muffins, depending on what you want to call her.)
This gang was fun to follow. I really liked how well Diamond Tiara tended to take charge. I guess there’s a future in leadership waiting for her with that attitude.
9691690
I was wondering when someone would notice that! It's actually not (supposed to be) inconsistent - she's Derpy in the narration, and Muffins in dialogue. (Unless I missed one or two, in which case oops.) My little nod to/poke at the enforced name change.
9691671
I can't take credit for that, I'm afraid! That comes from the comics, where he runs for Mayor of Ponyville (and where the Pony Politics bingo tile image came from).
9720959
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it!
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/213901/my-little-reviews-feedback/thread/439609/reviewing-errors
10291356
Oh wow, thank you so much! Nopony ever reviews my longer pieces, so it's great to be able to talk about this one.
Yeah, the ending was badly rushed - the contest had a hard 20,000 word limit and I was right up against it. I had, indeed, planned to have a whole extra chapter in there detailing the rescue a bit more, but just ran out of space. It feels wrong going back to "fix" it now.
And the machine-generated Arabic - I mean, I did apologise for it likely being horribly mangled gibberish in the author's note for that chapter. I was going to just have the Maretonians talking in generic Unintelligble Foreign Language as far as the Equestrians were concerned (with their POV then revealing what was being said), but then thought it might as well be something analogous from Earth, even if I knew Google was butchering both the translation and transliteration the words! If anyone out there does speak Arabic and wants to provide an actual translation/transliteration of what the Maretonian ponies are saying, I'd be glad to have it.
Thank you again for the kind review, I'm really glad you enjoyed the story! And if you do decide to read anything else I wrote, I hope you enjoy that too.
Trixie teaching consideration? Did the spell turn her brains inside out or something?
10491274
Kind of - I wanted her to be disoriented and snippy, but also to reflect Starlight being an influence. Also, thanks for reading, this one gets so little attention it's fun to receive comments on it!
10492695
You're welcome - I was skimming the whole bingo group to see how the different parts got mixed.
I knew Trixie’s Pink Heart would come in handy! Let’s just hope she didn’t lose it.
9691690
It’s not really inconsistent, though. Derpy refers to herself as Derpy, so when the narration is from her point of view, it says Derpy. But other characters call her Muffins, so when the narration swtiches to their perspective, it says Muffins.
And with that, you have earned your 176th follower!
This story was a delightful adventure. Who knew that Tiara, Trixie and Derpy would have such great chemistry? And poor, poor Starlight. My heart went out to her; poor mare was taking all the blame and trying her best to fix it.
Also, might I add that I love the moment where Filthy stood up for Starlight and got the guard to back off, and Starlight returned the favor minutes later by encouraging him to keep running in the election.
11355214
Thank you! This is one of my least popular stories, but I've always had a soft spot for it. I'm glad you enjoyed it! I don't know if I'll ever write anything new, but I'm grateful for the follow!
11355589
You’re welcome, Cloptimist.
I stuck this on my RIL forever ago when you mentioned it in Discord. Finally found time for it the other day, and I enjoyed it! I can see what you mean about the contest limit though--I can just feel the narrative crunching into it, and crying out for more time.
I really loved poor Trixie finally getting her moment to shine in the breakout and then--it no longer being necessary. And it's an especial shame because she actually did a good job! I think a story with more time to explore a far-from-home Trixie-and-odd-crew hijinks story would be great fun.
I'm also always a fan of Tartarus being more than it seems, and I appreciated the brief aside between Luna and Twilight here, about its apparent denizens.
11492279
Thanks for the nice comment, I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
I sometimes think about rewriting this to include the "extra chapter" and other fleshing out, but it seems wrong after all this time.
i have to say it is heartening to see Ponyville residents take such a keen interest in local politics. i have no idea who my city’s Comptroller is at all!
ooh, ponified Mauretania?
so Starlight and so true
oof Applejack totally would potentially be associated with something awful due to trusting someone who seems honest and a lack of interest in politics. though i guess i will see! i have no idea what will happen in this story after all
well that certainly sounds like hubris that will later lead to Problems
so StarTrix and so true
love the mental image of this, really adds to the emotion behind the action even if it’s a natural thing for earthponies to do
love this bit, exactly how i imagine it
love that all of the pieces for this chaotic sequence of events were set up as background details, also explaining why these three ponies who would have no reason to ever be in the same room together end up being the ones on this adventure!
really easy to inhabit Diamond Tiara’s perspective with these bits, love it. also the idea that Filthy Rich would make sure Diamond Tiara developed the skills she would need to succeed in any situation, like he has
augh Trixie really stepping up here! i am so proud of her
ooh “timorous” now that’s a great word
love that this is how pegasus brains work
ironic given Diamond Tiara’s blusterous attitude historically! very interesting dynamic between the three, and it is fun that it is a unicorn, pegasus, and an earthpony
aww that is how unicorns would react! and burn on Lyra
that is how it apparently works, given Tempest Shadow. and oof, going from one of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria to not being able to use unicorn magic at all…
commentary!
augh that is so extra adorably sad
so true you tell her queen
very interesting backstory on Filthy Rich here! and DT has a point, but then again, the M6 are always saving the day from whatever Problem is plaguing Ponyville this week!
ehehe love this!
if this were anyone but Trixie they would clearly be in the wrong here but it’s Trixie so she did nothing wrong and Canterlot should really get over itself
aww, love this whole sequence! and her connection to Fluttershy here makes so much sense
poor Trixie… :trixiesad:
i mean yes she was terrible, but also a literal child? lol
ooh i love this! definitely stealing it for myself
hey, all those things are important!
ooh what language is this? it feels sorta Semitic but also not?
aww that is how Diamond Tiara’s tiara might be interpreted! interesting that it’s not too uncommon for fillies to wear them, considering Zipporwhill. Princess-inspired cultural custom?
love that we got to see the encounter from the Maretanians’ perspective! it's so easy for the best of intentions to be lost in translation
love this worldbuilding and explanation for canon events
no Twilight you are not supposed to question the justice and purpose of Equestria’s Super Hell!
further great explanation of what we saw of Tartarus in the canon, making it make more sense
ehehe love it!
and, oof! what a thing for Starlight to face
ehehe the delicious irony
noooooo!
augh love this shared moment
already love them
not the most uncommon reaction to spending this much time alone with Trixie
are the “stables”, uh, the equivalent of “barracks”?
love the combat use of the teacup spell
aww, poor Trixie! she actually did a really good job in taking the initiative and saving the day here, it’s just that she was in the wrong genre of story
yay Hoo’far’s in this! and does make sense as a translator
love that this is Trixie’s takeaway
oh i love this! so many layers of irony
aww!
i mean i would too, that is pretty impressive!
and oof, very Starlight
so true! this is exactly how i imagine Trixie would be received in places far away from Equestria, where they would have never seen the magic tricks that are no longer new and impressive to Equestrians due to cultural osmosis
that is, indeed, a strange line!
ahaha, Applejack L
and yay!
definitely see what you mean about the wordcount limiting this story. i love the worldbuilding you’ve done here, and the setup of the premise was fantastic, but it feels like the dynamic between this unlikely team of ponies was just getting off the ground when everything needed to start being resolved due to approaching the end. in a sense, that actually makes this story feel more “realistic”! a fun read, and it definitely leaves me wanting more out of Maretonia and its ponies, especially Aysha. thank you!
9561955
I did actually start writing this and everything - it was called Mercy, which was always the guard's name here (but I took out the part where this was explained and moved it to the different story), I was just never happy with it. Maybe one day I'll pick up my pen again and finish it, along with the dozen or so other unfinished drafts.
11575299
Thank you so much for the commentary and nice thoughts, I'm glad you had a good time with it
A delightful story. Even for how compressed it was due to the contest restrictions, it was a fun read. Diamond Tiara, Derpy, and of course Trixie are very entertaining together. It was nice to see how each contributed by using their skills to the fullest to getting back home.
I especially liked the idea that Diamond Tiara would take charge, even with two full grown ponies with her. It puts her in a situation that both takes her out of her comfort zone but also highlights the talents she has. Character growth under fire!
If there ever comes a time where you expand upon this story, I'll be sure to read it!
11802622
I'm really glad you liked it, and thank you so much for taking the time to say so!