Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade and the Library with Bad Feng Shui
Spike was pacing anxiously back and forth outside the library, watching the road that led to the south side of Ponyville, when a maple-sugar-colored earth pony appeared on it and trotted up the path to the great tree.
Spike ran out to meet him on the lawn that spread about the library. "Phil! You got my message! I wasn't even sure if it would work." He peered down the road behind Phil. "But where's Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade?"
"He might be a little late," Phil said. "We should just get started."
"Ooh!" Spike said, clasping his hands together. "Is he facing down dreadful monsters from the depth of Tartarus?"
"No, I kinda burned your letter, moved the furniture around enough to distract him, and nailed the door shut behind me."
Spike blinked. "But... why?"
"Just a hunch," Phil said.
The little dragon frowned. "Well, that won't slow down Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade! He'll just teleport right through your nailed door."
"I don't think so."
"Oh, yeah? Why not?" Spike demanded.
"I used mismatched nails. Come on, let's see what we've got." Phil trotted past Spike and on up to the library. Spike narrowed his eyes at him as he passed, then threw his hands up in the air in frustration, and rushed to catch up.
Inside, Twilight's five friends were arguing on the library's main floor, the only space big enough to hold them all.
"Well, I say we rope her and pull 'er out!" Applejack was saying.
"Applejack, darling, do be reasonable. Aside from the impropriety, what would you do then? Drag her about town on the end of a rope?"
"Mmm," Fluttershy said to herself quietly.
"Flutter, dear, you're poking me with your wing again. No," Rarity continued, "I fear this is a psychological problem."
"Don't worry, everybody!" Spike announced. "Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade is on his way!" He glared at Phil. "He'll know what to do!"
From the doorway came a deep, bold voice, saying, "Did someone say Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade?" A breathtakingly-handsome, firmly-muscled, black-and-red alicorn strode majestically into the room. "Phil, honey," he said in softer voice. "Sorry I took so long. Can you believe somepony broke in and moved our furniture again?"
"It's a rough town," Phil said.
"Mmm," said Rarity, her eyes on the alicorn stallion.
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade looked slowly around the library full of ponies. "Dear me," he said. "You ponies obviously have a problem."
"That's right!" Spike said, and rushed across the room to look up at his hero. "A purple problem. Twilight won't get out of the shower! She's been in there all day! When I tell her to come out, she just says she isn't finished!"
"Oh, I think you have a bigger problem than that," said Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, glancing about the library.
Phil leaned towards Spike. "We'd better hurry," he said, "or something awful's going to happen."
Spikes eyes bulged out in alarm. "What? Is she going to explode?"
Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade was staring around himself with a look of horror, transfixed by the bookshelves and the thousands of dusty volumes arranged on them. He shook his head slowly but emphatically. "Oh, no," he said, "this won't do at all."
"Too late," Phil said.
"Look at that," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade said to nopony in particular. "Would you just look at that?"
"Don't," Phil advised, but the other ponies had already turned to see. He sighed, and went upstairs by himself, disappearing into a cloud of steam wafting from the bathroom while the others raised their ears to listen to the alicorn.
"There's no variety at all. The same pattern on every wall."
"You're so right!" Rarity said, trotting over to where he stood to get a better view.
"Um, yeah," Spike said. "Books."
"Exactly," the alicorn said. "But watch this!" He lifted a bookshelf telekinetically and spun it around, replacing it so that you saw only the solid oak backside. "Now I've broken up the pattern!"
"Brilliant!" gasped Rarity.
"Uh, right, but nopony can get at those books now," Spike said.
"Oh, Spikey, you dear little thing," Rarity said with a smile. "Don't worry! It was the philosophy section."
"And then," the alicorn went on, "within the shelves, the books are arranged completely at random!"
"Er, no, not really, at all," Spike said. His expression had been gradually changing from that of a pony unwrapping a cutie-mark day present, to that of the same pony who, after unwrapping said present, found it contained a sweater and a set of pens and pencils. He went up to one wall full of bookshelves to explain, pointing out different sections as he spoke. "It might be a little counter-intuitive, but the 'geography' section is sub-categorized chronologically, and the 'history' section is sub-categorized geographically, and the shelf in the middle is the intersection between them—"
"She has a yellow book," Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade said in a deep-pitched squeal of outrage, "next to an orange book!" He pointed an accusing hoof while averting his eyes. Rarity raised a hoof to her mouth and gasped.
"An' what's wrong with that?" Applejack demanded.
"It's a violation of basic color theory! And there"—he stomped one hoof—"there's an orange magic book next to a green magic book!"
"Lemme guess," Rainbow said. "Color theory?"
"No," Phil said, reappearing on the second-floor landing overlooking the library's main floor. "They fight."
Rarity stroked the agitated alicorn's shoulder. "There, there. I know just how you feel. Just relax."
The handsome alicorn nickered and took a few deep breaths. "Thank you. Poor color coordination—it always gets to me." He pulled himself up straight again. "But I'm fine now."
"Just calm down and relax," Rarity said, moving on down to stroke his heavily-muscled chest.
"No, really, I'm fine," he said, taking a step back.
"Just... relax," she repeated through gritted teeth, lunging forward and trying to keep her grip.
Phil trotted back down the stairs and rejoined the others. "I took a look around, but I got nothin'."
"You an' me both," Applejack said.
The brown earth pony nodded glumly. Then his expression brightened. "I know a guy who might have an idea, though. Lemme see." He strode over to Pinkie Pie and looked deep into her eyes.
"Ooh, is this a staring contest?" she asked. "I'm REALLY good at staring except when I get distracted which now that I think about it is always but Fluttershy's EVEN BETTER!"
"Hmm," Phil said. He gave Pinkie a few sharp raps on her head.
"Hee-hee!" Pinkie giggled, rubbing her head. "That hurt!"
"It's no good," Rainbow said. "Nopony's home."
"Can't be sure," Phil said. "It is a Thursday. But it's worth a try."
"Lookie here, mister," Applejack said. "I reckon giving Pinkie a few blows to the head can't do any harm, but how's it going to help get Twilight to come out of that there shower?"
"Have you tried offering her a nice hot cup of tea?" the Doctor asked.
Applejack snorted. "If she didn't come out for my apple fritters, I hardly think you'd lure her out with a cup a' leaf soup and WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?" She shied back from the Doctor, raising one hoof defensively, and glanced around the room for any other intruders.
Fluttershy was peeking out from under her hooves, and Rainbow Dash was sitting with her rump on the floor and a dazed look in her eyes. "He just climbed... out of Pinkie's mane."
"Yeah," Phil said, "she's a ptardis. You didn't know that?"
"I'm bigger on the inside!" Pinkie Pie shouted.
"Hey!" Rainbow stuck her neck out angrily at Phil. "'Course we know. But we don't say it."
"No, no," the Doctor said, tapping Rainbow on the shoulder. "A P.T.A.R.D.I.S."
Applejack eyed the brown earth pony and the Doctor suspiciously. "What in tarnation is a—"
"No time," said the Doctor, cutting her off with one hoof.
"Why do you always say that?" Phil asked. "I mean, you've got a—"
"No time. So what's got all these ponies hot and bothered? Is it that time of year again already?"
Spike shook his head and quickly explained the situation to the Doctor, who nodded attentively as he listened. "There's one thing I don't understand," he said when Spike was done. "Why did you call on Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade? Why don't you ask her friends the Princesses to go in after her?"
"Uh... we tried that last time," Spike said, blushing a deep red and looking down at the floor.
"Wait," the Doctor said. "This has happened before? What made her stop last time?"
"We asked the princesses to go in after her," Spike said, shutting his eyes tightly.
"What—"
"No time," said Spike.
"Oh, don't worry about that, I've got a—"
"No TIME!" Spike roared, and a gout of green flame licked at the Doctor's nose whiskers.
"They did come out eventually," Applejack pointed out. Spike winced.
"I could go in after her," Fluttershy offered.
"All right, then," the Doctor said. "I've seen cases something like this before. It might be the, I mean, when a big buildup of magical energy gets sent through water there's a sort of a wobbling—"
"Checked for that already," Phil said.
"Did you? Good pony. What about the lines of the—"
"Nope," Phil said. "But I was thinking, what with all the birds nearby, and the humidity—"
"Well, it is a Thursday," the Doctor agreed. "But I doubt that's the problem. By any chance is the bathtub perfectly elliptical?"
Phil shook his head. "Good idea, but there's no sign of acoustic fractures."
"Magnetised plumbing?"
"She's non-ferrous."
"You know the only thing left is, well, I didn't say it before because it seemed too obvious, but you know how these bookish types are—"
"That just could be it," Phil agreed, rubbing his chin.
"Try it out and let me know. Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush." The Doctor put one hoof up to Pinkie's mane, then paused. "Miss Dash, you might want to look away for a moment."
"Eeeearar-blururgh!" Rainbow Dash said.
"That was a mite disturbing," Applejack agreed.
"Mmm," said Fluttershy thoughtfully.
"Pinkie," Phil said, "I need a bottle of shampoo."
"Sure thing!" Pinkie said, and pulled one from her mane.
Phil took the bottle in one hoof and inspected it carefully. "Hmm. Yeah, this'll do. Come on, Rarity—hey, Rarity! I need you to do a little levitation spell. The rest of you wait here." He trotted upstairs, with Rarity trailing along behind reluctantly, still casting glances at the alicorn as he posed handsomely while pondering the decor.
Spike and the four ponies sat watching and waiting, getting as close as they dared to the bottom of the stairs. Phil and Rarity returned less than a minute later.
"Yep," Phil said, "that should do it. Here's your problem." He held out a different bottle of shampoo. The ponies gathered round and sniffed at it hesitantly.
"I don't get it," Rainbow said.
"Here," Phil said, pointing to something printed on the bottle.
Spike peered closely at where he was pointing. "It says, Lather—Rinse—Repeat."
"Yup. Poor kid was stuck in an algorithm. Happens sometimes to these brainy types." He shook his head sadly. "She oughta know better than to try a strange algorithm without consulting an oracle."
Just then Twilight emerged from the bathroom, shaking her mane and spraying them with a light mist of water droplets. "My," she said, "I thought I'd never finish!"
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up the steps toward her.
"Sweet buttery Celestia!" Applejack whooped. "You're a sight for sore eyes, sister!"
"Oh, my dear, I thought we'd lost you forever!" Rarity wailed.
"It's very nice to see you again," Fluttershy said quietly.
"You look like a prune!" Rainbow said.
"Rainbow, it's not nice to tease somepony about their color. But I'll overlook it, because I'm feeling positively wonder—"
Twilight broke off in mid-sentence, noticing the black-and-red alicorn humming to himself as he placed a final, black-covered book on top of a pyramid of books he'd stacked in the center of the room, their spines to the outside, the books chosen and arranged so that a rainbow stripe ran horizontally around the outside, shading from white at the bottom to black at the peak. Most of the other bookshelves had been rearranged to radiate outward from it.
"What," Twilight said.
"Do you like it?" Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade called up to her. "It's HSV space! Only you didn't have enough white books for the base. I had to paint some."
The librarian stood frozen at the top of the steps like a purple statue. The only movement she made was a spasmodic twitching under one eye.
"Do y'all feel something?" Applejack said.
In the library behind them, books began to slide slowly about on their shelves. Several fell to the floor with loud thumps, one after another. Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade jerked his head up in alarm, and darted back and forth around his color pyramid, trying to prod books that were shifting and sliding back into place.
"Feels like an earthquake," Spike said, looking around.
"I think it's Twilight!" Rarity exclaimed. And, indeed, looking closer, they could see that Twilight's still-frozen body was vibrating, with an ever-increasing amplitude, until it was blurred around the edges. Her eyes and horn began to glow white, and then her skin. The air was filled with the sharp smell of ozone. Behind them, a bookcase fell over with a loud bang.
"WHAT," boomed the not-quite-Twilight in a much deeper voice than usual, which echoed longer than was acoustically possible, "HAVE YOU DONE"—the remaining bookcases began to topple, knocking others down like dominoes—"TO MY LIBRARY?!" As she spoke these final words, her eyes shone red, and there was a sudden flash of dark un-light, and when everypony could open their eyes again Twilight stood at the top of the stairs, tall and majestic, with a proud, commanding look in her eyes, and she snapped her broad wings open wide.
"So that's how alicorns are made!" Pinkie said.
Then Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade blinked, and raised his head high, and looked at Twilight with narrowed eyes. "Why?" he asked quietly. He tilted his head slowly to one side, and steam began to rise from his nostrils. "Don't you like it?"
"Pinkie, I think you'll be okay, but everypony else has to get out of here," Phil said hurriedly, and flung the front door open. "Get a safe distance away!"
Pinkie sat on a reading table, watching the two alicorns and munching on a box of popcorn, fresh from wherever. "Wait!" Rarity called after Phil. "What's a safe distance?" But the brown earth pony had already answered by galloping off down the road out of Ponyville.
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Thanks to GhostOfHeraclitus and ChessieCat for their comments, including "Almost seems a waste of your skills to write something like this" and "Sir, I'm going to SET FIRE TO YOUR FEET for making me read that." GoH suggested the oracle joke. So give him the wedgie, not me.
(Did anybody notice how DDKRB accidentally insulted Applejack, or the Ireland reference?)
DRAMATIC MUSIC!
1408448
You, I like you
Haha, nice, I think he's the one of the only Alicorn OC's I can appreciate, right next to Doubt from 'Faith and Doubt.'
On a side note, if an interior designer did such a thing to my bookcases things'd get ugly.
Oh shit. We've fucked with the library. Everybody run, and hope that she only takes the slowest among us!
Of COURSE Doctor Whooves lives in Pinkie's mane. Of course.
Also I am so glad this has been continued. Phil's adventures with DDKRN just get more and more amusing. 
i can't believe how good this is!
Moar
static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Bloody+hell.+NOT+OC+credit+goes+to+burningfajitasalt_ecaa64_3870474.gif
Really, that's as good an explaination as any for how Pinkie moves like she does...just must not have the parking brake on. Aside from that, liked Fluttershy's reactions, and loved the implication as to why they couldn't send the Princesses in again.
Of course, now I have to favorite this, in case you post more. Clever bastard
Never thought we'd see more of this....not that I'm complaining, for Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade is best OC alicorn.
That, or at least his name is...
...Time And Relative Dimensions In Space-Pie?
This is my most guilty pleasure ever... the worst OC possible made into the best story possible.
1409144
maybe it's
Time And Relative Dimensions In SomePony. It's possible.
1408575 And it's Bad Horse with the steal!
1409350
I can't help but thing of the singing number whenever I see your name. It's just infectious. Also, huzzah! I was under the impression that this was over and done with.
1409451 I was under the impression that this was over and done with.
So was I. But it burns... my brain, it burns! Somepony, help me. Please.
What a delightful surprise to see this update! And with zero disappointment. That was absolutely hilarious. Phil is best pony.
This is one of those well written, but exceptionally trollish Alicorn OC's that Do everything that other badly written Alicorn OC's do just better. And I love it!
This is the BEST STORY EVER!!!
I laughed the whole way through. You sir are a wonderful author and do amazing work. Carry on.
You never paint books. It's just a crime, right next to stickers. What you want is to add a monochromatic scale at the base, rather than just white. It mixes things up, and it solves the problem of having to paint books white. There are bound to be gradiating white-grey-black books in enough amount to fill the base of each bookshelf. And if you can't do that, go for white to black. White every other book, and black in between each white one.
Geeze. This is good.
I wonder when Donut Steel will enter the fray.
I love this. All I want is more clarity, because it would be even funnier if we knew more.
Like, what the Doctor did.
Any case, this is amazing.
So is it bad the ONLY reason I read this was because it just got dropped into the Alicorn Twilight folder?
1410585 In the second chapter, a lot of the humor depends on ambiguity - for instance, on thinking you know what a character just did or what they meant, but not knowing for sure until someone else says something that confirms it. The Doctor's exchange with Phil is supposed to sound a little bit like Pinky and the Brain, but where they both really do know what the other is thinking. I did want it to be clear that the Doctor climbed out of Pinky, had a conversation with Phil, then climbed back in. If any of that wasn't clear, please let me know.
1410877
Nah, it was. I just wish I could hear how it happened,
Sweet Celestia, this story is pure genius. You need to make more chapters more often. I DEMAND IT!
The second chapter to the best one-shot ever? Might as well make it a 150k word epic now!
*nudges AJ*
Nahh, but we have a pot riding on it.
me: Is Rarity feeling up DDKRN? Does she know he's not into mares?
me: 10 Bits say "Sudden case of Elusive"
This made little to no sense and was absolutely wonderful!
Lessee what awesome stories updated today
*sees Interior Design Alicorn on the top of Story updates*
*quickly inhales*
*clutches chest*
*dies*
So I take it when the Princesses went in, things took a turn for the cloppy?
Time And Relative Dimension In Silly Pony?
also, wingboners.
you know who you are
1412293 1410430
You and you. Your comments and avatars fit! Do you always do it?
And... Praise the gods of chaos and gods of random! This has UPDATED!
1412926
My avatar fits...? ...i'm sorry...
1413164
What? What?! WHAT!?
HUH!? What in what did I say that had bad meaning?
I meant that your avatar looks like it is about to do what you said in comment. Like it is a gif. With little help of imagination it even moves!
1413197
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5690-tumblr_ls3a9ppuOD1qgx7dto1_400.gif
1413265
All of my YES!
> Notice that this fic has updated
#BETTERTHANCHRISTMAS
Stories like this updating is proof the universe loves me.
This is just outstanding. You've taken a disaster of a character idea and turned it into a wonder of a silly story. Well done.
1409787
I got a notification telling me it had been added to the Alicorn Twilight group. I remembered the character name from Device Heretic's blog post. That and the idea of DDKRN as an interior designer piqued my curiosity enough to check it out. The favorite just flowed naturally from there as a result of the overwhelming levels of awesomeness and rediculosity.
1413197
Noone offended here, calm down :3
no, dude, jk.
You said my avatar fits to what I wrote so I replied by pretending to be like Fluttershy
I— what, I don't, ev—what? What? What the—how, where, who, I don't —what?
God, just take all my thumbs-up and please leave my poor brain be!
I hate you in the most wonderful way possible...
And thus by screwing with Twilight's library, Nightblade sealed his own demise.
1417571
That was a mean thing to do. Because now that I think about it I acted as if Fluttershy said it.
No, really, it was mean. And I was scared that I really said something offensive in English language.
Defend, step back, apologize, reassure.
1418231
I'm sorry, man. I'm not perfectly sane, I tend to do stuff like that. :3
- I don't get this. Someone explain it to me please.
1423802 You're the 2nd person to complain, so maybe it needs changing.
Pinky is a TARDIS. The Doctor came from inside her. Seeing this disturbed Rainbow Dash. He's about to go back inside. Seeing this also disturbs Rainbow Dash.
My reaction when I saw this update:
Not as good as the first chapter. Too much depreciative humor as well.