• Member Since 26th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen 39 minutes ago

YellowHornBrony


Brony from Nebraska. Also, I can't write worth a damn. My YouTube is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOFePTtAWYjYBdcxYF1LgmA

Sequels1

T

After my dad was arrested, I was sent to Canterlot to move in with my biological mother, who my dad told me died. Now I'm going to her high school and dealing with a group of annoying students and one adorable nerd.

Chapters (7)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 55 )

I will keep an eye on this, want to see where it goes.

Put up an Alt. Universe Tag.

9328345
You'll see why it isn't there in the next chapter. DOn't read the spoiler if you don't want spoilers. Because the Sunset we know moved back to Equestria.

Good start, you certainly got the teenage attitude right.

Well, let's have a look and see where the story goes.

You got me hooked. Let's see if you can take the catch home.

Gaming. On a MacBook. Fucking Macbook.
Wow. I’m impressed.

SunLight! Let's see where this goes...

“This school is weird.”

That is both the most nonchalant and most fitting reaction to CHS.

9328345
Like I said. Chapter 2 will explain it all.

:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof: Oh you gotta be kidding me! This is going t be bad! Human Sunset has to deal with having a mother who was never there, and seems to think everything is flowers and Sunshine...seems the Human Celestia is pretty delusional or in denial.

Can't wait for human Sunset to introduce her to reality land.

But now she just found out that Pony Sunset existed and went back home? The Amulet as well...What happened and How will Sunset fee about this, sounds like they only need her to bring back the Sunset they love and want and toss her aside once it done.

9338445
You will have to wait and see!

The idea and topics possible with this story are plentiful. Repairing broken family ties, adjusting to new a neighbourhood, living in someone else's shadow, the themes here are endless. I encourage your work, however, I would recommend you take some more time with the execution. If you're not used to that, I do think the 5-7 day update schedule should be extended a few more to give this story the time it needs to breathe. Only for a few chapters, of course, since you should improve after some practice.

Some examples of what I mean are in the first exchange:

"Welcome," She smiled, "You must be my daughter. It's nice to finally meet you, come in."

This introduction is far too blunt and a little unnatural. The entire complexity of how the mother's absence has shaped Sunset doesn't have to be expressed, but as the first thing she says to Sunset, it's important. Bear in mind, too blunt does not mean too short. You can go for the idea that her mother doesn't think being gone all those years is a big deal, but in order to do that, there has to be some hint at the dissonance between them. The use of narration isn't necessarily bad exposition, especially in the beginning.

You can, for example, spend a paragraph right after her mother's first words to go over the mother's appearance. The act of inspection suggests that Sunset is a mix of curiosity and wariness, but also distant because she has to actually take a close look at her mother. Additionally, it sets up the possibility that Sunset wants to be closer by making her take a closer interest in her mother.

This is just one possibility of how to extend the first scene and give it meaning, not the specific problem of the scene. The scene's shortness to the reader is the main problem. I get that their first introduction to each other expresses how much nothing is there because of the mother's absence, but the dialogue and narration are two separate components. The dialogue can be short to express a meaningless relationship, but the narration as to be thusly extended for the audience to dwell on what that might mean for the two of them.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, “Where do I sleep? It’s been a long ride.”

A lack of action in this dialogue makes the moving-in a little weak. This is something that takes the reader straight to the bedroom and the "blue woman" that immediately makes me think of the blue people from Avatar. That's not an issue, just had to add that. Like before, Sunset's internal thoughts should turn to the house's details.

It simply isn't a natural flow of thoughts for a character to move through a new house without observing what's around her. The walls, the doors, where the rooms are and what's on them. This line of thought should eventually lead to the bedroom but jumping there immediately poorly expresses a disconnect between Sunset and her mother's home. It unintentionally produces a tone of familiarity. The audience is not taken through the house, thus they are not seeing for the first time like Sunset, and that causes another rift between reader and character.

“The door without a mark on it,” She smiled, “Do you need anything to eat?”

Just a minor detail for this one. In dialogue, people more commonly give directions. If there is a visual identifier, directions precede the visual description. Instead of outright saying what the room looks like, it might be more natural for her mother to say either:

"Take a right from the stairs and look for the blank door."

or

"Take right from the stairs, it's by the bathroom." Followed by narration from Sunset where she sees the door and then describes its appearance.

Just a few minor things to clean up, this story definitely has potential if you want to put the effort into it.

“You see, we met your doppelganger from another dimension where everybody is a pony. Recently, she went back home and the portal to her home is now closed, meaning all of our magic powers that were held in these crystals around our necks are gone. But Twilight here has a theory that if we found the other Sunset Shimmer we could reopen the portal to Equestria, giving us our powers and best friend back!” Pinkie smiled.

Can we as a whole stop doing this? It's lazy and annoying.

Other than that im liking this so far

“You see, we met your doppelganger from another dimension where everybody is a pony. Recently, she went back home and the portal to her home is now closed, meaning all of our magic powers that were held in these crystals around our necks are gone. But Twilight here has a theory that if we found the other Sunset Shimmer we could reopen the portal to Equestria, giving us our powers and best friend back!” Pinkie smiled.

This makes the girls sound like they want their powers rather then make a new friend it brings to mind selfish children wanting their toys back and the whole moving in with Celestia felt really awkward

Finally!!! A Sci Twi and Human Sunset Shimmer pariring!!! This is a rare find! :twilightsmile:

So, they just want to use her then?

And what makes them think they could open the portal from their side anyway? None of them have innate magic like pony Sunset or Princess Twilight.

Definitely some family therapy in that future.

Seriously though they made it sound like they just wanted to use her. Honestly I'm still not entirely convinced that's false.

Celestia has nothing to hold over Sunset or even convince her to even trust her. Seems the Bloody bitch cared more about her career then her child.
If Sunset's father was that bad, why didn;t Celestia try then to get her daughter back or check up on her, it took him getting arrested to finally do something about it.

Yeah when the one they leave you with is found guilty of multiple homicides I’d say any and all high ground you may have had was level with an air strike.

“In exchange for helping us,” Rainbow said, “You’ll have free access back to Equestria.

Since when did they have the authority to make a promise like that?

9540898
Since just now I suppose. Really I would put it more on RD opening her mouth without thinking and Adagio being desperate enough to not question how she would have that authority.

9540955
In other words, since never. No need to sugarcoat it.

Little weak, this chap.

9540967
Actually, I probably should touch on that. Maybe in a later chapter.

9540967
But she and the other shadow bolts will feel left out.

9338743
Agree about awkward. It just really felt off. The line, 'you must be my daughter' really looked horribly odd. The line suggests that Celestia is taking her in as a foster. Part of what's not right is that Celestia would already know her name, and unless everyone has had their memories wiped, she would know her the moment she opened the door. Celestia should have called her by name, but doesn't. The entire thing needs to be full of people who already know her. Which would come across as being really freaky for Sunset, and possibly even very annoying?

Wow... just wow. Celestia has no empathy what so ever and expects the daughter she abandoned to a man who ends up in prison for life to actually behave. And then there are the rainbooms who seem to have no interest in actually being friends.

Dunno if lyrics used in MLP media count as copyrighted so I'd have asked a mod before posting...

9836296
They’re not, I read through it multiple times. And I’ve done this before.

9836311

Mmkay, I wasn't sure on the MLP front.

So anyways, tune in next week for the next chapter!

But I don't wanna wait! :raritycry:

9836995
Oddly enough, I was thinking about shortening it to every other day, due to the fact that I just need to fix grammar and finish editing each chapter.

I agree with Pinkie, Rainbow should be well aware of how hard it is to use an instrument your not familiar with let alone just got, even Pinkie has her limits. Adagio is really impatient if one back and forth is all it takes for her to complain. Also I'm pretty sure someone saying they're going to marry a princess is a great deal, I know she misses her but dang. And Sic-Twi's snapping was kinda outa nowhere, again it was one back and forth, it'd make sense if it was three or even two but that's stretching it.

9839219
I did say they were a little short and did say I merged them. Anyways, yeah. Thanks for the review of this chapter, it helps out my style a lot to get comments explaining what I did wrong.

*Gives principal Celestia a “you are stupidity Incarnate“ look* smooth Celestia…smooooth. How the fuck did Celestia think Sunset was going to treat her after she bailed on her for most of her life? And a slap to the face after her just saying “leave me alone”? Most parents who pulled that kinda stunt never hear their kid call them “Mom or “Dad”, and Both of them are well aware that if the dad wasn’t arrested, she never would’ve taken Sunset in. Personally I think Sunset should have punched her.

So I guess there's a sequel in the mix.

I hate to say it. But this story feels very rushed, the last two chapters and this ending are bad.

Sunset forgiving her mother so easily i'm s sorry but Celesta has not done a dam thing to prove she be there for her.

you wrote she only took her in after her father was arrested, and after she abandoned her, so this ending i just not going to take seriously at all.

9839307
I'd have to agree with you. I had stopped writing for most of the summer and lost my groove with this story, and ultimately rushed the ending like I had to finish a season with a twelve minute episode. Or six episodes. Game of Thrones. But to better explain it. Sunset stills blames Celestia, but what i've learned in life is it doesn't matter what happened in the past. Celestia totally could've just ditched her in an orphanage, but she changed. She took her in. It follows the way my mother raised me, Don't forget the past, but forgive it.

I want to be honest. I liked the beginning but when I got to the middle up to the end, I was like "what happened?" I hope the sequel will be awesome cause I'm a human sunset shimmer fan even if she is not canon lolz

This’ll be huge!

So this is the end end or are you going to keep going?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!