• Member Since 26th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Friday

YellowHornBrony


Brony from Nebraska. Also, I can't write worth a damn. My YouTube is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOFePTtAWYjYBdcxYF1LgmA

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After my dad was arrested, I was sent to Canterlot to move in with my biological mother, who my dad told me died. Now I'm going to her high school and dealing with a group of annoying students and one adorable nerd.


Hey! You there! Story updates every 2 weeks!

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 33 )

I will keep an eye on this, want to see where it goes.

Put up an Alt. Universe Tag.

9328345
You'll see why it isn't there in the next chapter. DOn't read the spoiler if you don't want spoilers. Because the Sunset we know moved back to Equestria.

Good start, you certainly got the teenage attitude right.

Well, let's have a look and see where the story goes.

You got me hooked. Let's see if you can take the catch home.

Gaming. On a MacBook. Fucking Macbook.
Wow. I’m impressed.

SunLight! Let's see where this goes...

“This school is weird.”

That is both the most nonchalant and most fitting reaction to CHS.

9328345
Like I said. Chapter 2 will explain it all.

:facehoof::facehoof::facehoof: Oh you gotta be kidding me! This is going t be bad! Human Sunset has to deal with having a mother who was never there, and seems to think everything is flowers and Sunshine...seems the Human Celestia is pretty delusional or in denial.

Can't wait for human Sunset to introduce her to reality land.

But now she just found out that Pony Sunset existed and went back home? The Amulet as well...What happened and How will Sunset fee about this, sounds like they only need her to bring back the Sunset they love and want and toss her aside once it done.

9338445
You will have to wait and see!

The idea and topics possible with this story are plentiful. Repairing broken family ties, adjusting to new a neighbourhood, living in someone else's shadow, the themes here are endless. I encourage your work, however, I would recommend you take some more time with the execution. If you're not used to that, I do think the 5-7 day update schedule should be extended a few more to give this story the time it needs to breathe. Only for a few chapters, of course, since you should improve after some practice.

Some examples of what I mean are in the first exchange:

"Welcome," She smiled, "You must be my daughter. It's nice to finally meet you, come in."

This introduction is far too blunt and a little unnatural. The entire complexity of how the mother's absence has shaped Sunset doesn't have to be expressed, but as the first thing she says to Sunset, it's important. Bear in mind, too blunt does not mean too short. You can go for the idea that her mother doesn't think being gone all those years is a big deal, but in order to do that, there has to be some hint at the dissonance between them. The use of narration isn't necessarily bad exposition, especially in the beginning.

You can, for example, spend a paragraph right after her mother's first words to go over the mother's appearance. The act of inspection suggests that Sunset is a mix of curiosity and wariness, but also distant because she has to actually take a close look at her mother. Additionally, it sets up the possibility that Sunset wants to be closer by making her take a closer interest in her mother.

This is just one possibility of how to extend the first scene and give it meaning, not the specific problem of the scene. The scene's shortness to the reader is the main problem. I get that their first introduction to each other expresses how much nothing is there because of the mother's absence, but the dialogue and narration are two separate components. The dialogue can be short to express a meaningless relationship, but the narration as to be thusly extended for the audience to dwell on what that might mean for the two of them.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, “Where do I sleep? It’s been a long ride.”

A lack of action in this dialogue makes the moving-in a little weak. This is something that takes the reader straight to the bedroom and the "blue woman" that immediately makes me think of the blue people from Avatar. That's not an issue, just had to add that. Like before, Sunset's internal thoughts should turn to the house's details.

It simply isn't a natural flow of thoughts for a character to move through a new house without observing what's around her. The walls, the doors, where the rooms are and what's on them. This line of thought should eventually lead to the bedroom but jumping there immediately poorly expresses a disconnect between Sunset and her mother's home. It unintentionally produces a tone of familiarity. The audience is not taken through the house, thus they are not seeing for the first time like Sunset, and that causes another rift between reader and character.

“The door without a mark on it,” She smiled, “Do you need anything to eat?”

Just a minor detail for this one. In dialogue, people more commonly give directions. If there is a visual identifier, directions precede the visual description. Instead of outright saying what the room looks like, it might be more natural for her mother to say either:

"Take a right from the stairs and look for the blank door."

or

"Take right from the stairs, it's by the bathroom." Followed by narration from Sunset where she sees the door and then describes its appearance.

Just a few minor things to clean up, this story definitely has potential if you want to put the effort into it.

“You see, we met your doppelganger from another dimension where everybody is a pony. Recently, she went back home and the portal to her home is now closed, meaning all of our magic powers that were held in these crystals around our necks are gone. But Twilight here has a theory that if we found the other Sunset Shimmer we could reopen the portal to Equestria, giving us our powers and best friend back!” Pinkie smiled.

Can we as a whole stop doing this? It's lazy and annoying.

Other than that im liking this so far

“You see, we met your doppelganger from another dimension where everybody is a pony. Recently, she went back home and the portal to her home is now closed, meaning all of our magic powers that were held in these crystals around our necks are gone. But Twilight here has a theory that if we found the other Sunset Shimmer we could reopen the portal to Equestria, giving us our powers and best friend back!” Pinkie smiled.

This makes the girls sound like they want their powers rather then make a new friend it brings to mind selfish children wanting their toys back and the whole moving in with Celestia felt really awkward

Finally!!! A Sci Twi and Human Sunset Shimmer pariring!!! This is a rare find! :twilightsmile:

So, they just want to use her then?

And what makes them think they could open the portal from their side anyway? None of them have innate magic like pony Sunset or Twilight.

Definitely some family therapy in that future.

Seriously though they made it sound like they just wanted to use her. Honestly I'm still not entirely convinced that's false.

Celestia has nothing to hold over Sunset or even convince her to even trust her. Seems the Bloody bitch cared more about her career then her child.
If Sunset's father was that bad, why didn;t Celestia try then to get her daughter back or check up on her, it took him getting arrested to finally do something about it.

Yeah when the one they leave you with is found guilty of multiple homicides I’d say any and all high ground you may have had was level with an air strike.

“In exchange for helping us,” Rainbow said, “You’ll have free access back to Equestria.

Since when did they have the authority to make a promise like that?

9540898
Since just now I suppose. Really I would put it more on RD opening her mouth without thinking and Adagio being desperate enough to not question how she would have that authority.

9540955
In other words, since never. No need to sugarcoat it.

Little weak, this chap.

9540967
Actually, I probably should touch on that. Maybe in a later chapter.

9540967
But she and the other shadow bolts will feel left out.

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