After my dad was arrested, I was sent to Canterlot to move in with my biological mother, who my dad told me died. Now I'm going to her high school and dealing with a group of annoying students and one adorable nerd.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 26th Jun, 2016
- offline last seen Nov 21st, 2023
YellowHornBrony
Brony from Nebraska. Also, I'm starting to write worth damn. My YouTube is here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOFePTtAWYjYBdcxYF1LgmA
YellowHornBrony
Joined 26th Jun, 2016 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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YellowHornBrony · 3.1k words · 855 views
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Interesting...
I will keep an eye on this, want to see where it goes.
Put up an Alt. Universe Tag.
9328345
You'll see why it isn't there in the next chapter. DOn't read the spoiler if you don't want spoilers. Because the Sunset we know moved back to Equestria.
Good start, you certainly got the teenage attitude right.
Well, let's have a look and see where the story goes.
You got me hooked. Let's see if you can take the catch home.
Gaming. On a MacBook. Fucking Macbook.
Wow. I’m impressed.
SunLight! Let's see where this goes...
I wanna see where this goes..
That is both the most nonchalant and most fitting reaction to CHS.
9328345
Like I said. Chapter 2 will explain it all.
9338344
Ye, pretty much
Can't wait for human Sunset to introduce her to reality land.
But now she just found out that Pony Sunset existed and went back home? The Amulet as well...What happened and How will Sunset fee about this, sounds like they only need her to bring back the Sunset they love and want and toss her aside once it done.
9338445
You will have to wait and see!
The idea and topics possible with this story are plentiful. Repairing broken family ties, adjusting to new a neighbourhood, living in someone else's shadow, the themes here are endless. I encourage your work, however, I would recommend you take some more time with the execution. If you're not used to that, I do think the 5-7 day update schedule should be extended a few more to give this story the time it needs to breathe. Only for a few chapters, of course, since you should improve after some practice.
Some examples of what I mean are in the first exchange:
This introduction is far too blunt and a little unnatural. The entire complexity of how the mother's absence has shaped Sunset doesn't have to be expressed, but as the first thing she says to Sunset, it's important. Bear in mind, too blunt does not mean too short. You can go for the idea that her mother doesn't think being gone all those years is a big deal, but in order to do that, there has to be some hint at the dissonance between them. The use of narration isn't necessarily bad exposition, especially in the beginning.
You can, for example, spend a paragraph right after her mother's first words to go over the mother's appearance. The act of inspection suggests that Sunset is a mix of curiosity and wariness, but also distant because she has to actually take a close look at her mother. Additionally, it sets up the possibility that Sunset wants to be closer by making her take a closer interest in her mother.
This is just one possibility of how to extend the first scene and give it meaning, not the specific problem of the scene. The scene's shortness to the reader is the main problem. I get that their first introduction to each other expresses how much nothing is there because of the mother's absence, but the dialogue and narration are two separate components. The dialogue can be short to express a meaningless relationship, but the narration as to be thusly extended for the audience to dwell on what that might mean for the two of them.
A lack of action in this dialogue makes the moving-in a little weak. This is something that takes the reader straight to the bedroom and the "blue woman" that immediately makes me think of the blue people from Avatar. That's not an issue, just had to add that. Like before, Sunset's internal thoughts should turn to the house's details.
It simply isn't a natural flow of thoughts for a character to move through a new house without observing what's around her. The walls, the doors, where the rooms are and what's on them. This line of thought should eventually lead to the bedroom but jumping there immediately poorly expresses a disconnect between Sunset and her mother's home. It unintentionally produces a tone of familiarity. The audience is not taken through the house, thus they are not seeing for the first time like Sunset, and that causes another rift between reader and character.
Just a minor detail for this one. In dialogue, people more commonly give directions. If there is a visual identifier, directions precede the visual description. Instead of outright saying what the room looks like, it might be more natural for her mother to say either:
"Take a right from the stairs and look for the blank door."
or
"Take right from the stairs, it's by the bathroom." Followed by narration from Sunset where she sees the door and then describes its appearance.
Just a few minor things to clean up, this story definitely has potential if you want to put the effort into it.
Can we as a whole stop doing this? It's lazy and annoying.
Other than that im liking this so far
This makes the girls sound like they want their powers rather then make a new friend it brings to mind selfish children wanting their toys back and the whole moving in with Celestia felt really awkward
Finally!!! A Sci Twi and Human Sunset Shimmer pariring!!! This is a rare find!
So, they just want to use her then?
And what makes them think they could open the portal from their side anyway? None of them have innate magic like pony Sunset or Princess Twilight.
9339328
You'll see
Definitely some family therapy in that future.
Seriously though they made it sound like they just wanted to use her. Honestly I'm still not entirely convinced that's false.
Celestia has nothing to hold over Sunset or even convince her to even trust her. Seems the Bloody bitch cared more about her career then her child.
If Sunset's father was that bad, why didn;t Celestia try then to get her daughter back or check up on her, it took him getting arrested to finally do something about it.
Well done!
Celestia has no high ground.
Yeah when the one they leave you with is found guilty of multiple homicides I’d say any and all high ground you may have had was level with an air strike.
I feel so bad for sunset
Since when did they have the authority to make a promise like that?
9540898
Since just now I suppose. Really I would put it more on RD opening her mouth without thinking and Adagio being desperate enough to not question how she would have that authority.
9540955
In other words, since never. No need to sugarcoat it.
9540967
Actually, I probably should touch on that. Maybe in a later chapter.
9540967
But she and the other shadow bolts will feel left out.
9541797
Foul
No points
9338743
Agree about awkward. It just really felt off. The line, 'you must be my daughter' really looked horribly odd. The line suggests that Celestia is taking her in as a foster. Part of what's not right is that Celestia would already know her name, and unless everyone has had their memories wiped, she would know her the moment she opened the door. Celestia should have called her by name, but doesn't. The entire thing needs to be full of people who already know her. Which would come across as being really freaky for Sunset, and possibly even very annoying?
Wow... just wow. Celestia has no empathy what so ever and expects the daughter she abandoned to a man who ends up in prison for life to actually behave. And then there are the rainbooms who seem to have no interest in actually being friends.
9836296
They’re not, I read through it multiple times. And I’ve done this before.
But I don't wanna wait!
9836995
Oddly enough, I was thinking about shortening it to every other day, due to the fact that I just need to fix grammar and finish editing each chapter.
I agree with Pinkie, Rainbow should be well aware of how hard it is to use an instrument your not familiar with let alone just got, even Pinkie has her limits. Adagio is really impatient if one back and forth is all it takes for her to complain. Also I'm pretty sure someone saying they're going to marry a princess is a great deal, I know she misses her but dang. And Sic-Twi's snapping was kinda outa nowhere, again it was one back and forth, it'd make sense if it was three or even two but that's stretching it.
9839219
I did say they were a little short and did say I merged them. Anyways, yeah. Thanks for the review of this chapter, it helps out my style a lot to get comments explaining what I did wrong.
*Gives principal Celestia a “you are stupidity Incarnate“ look* smooth Celestia…smooooth. How the fuck did Celestia think Sunset was going to treat her after she bailed on her for most of her life? And a slap to the face after her just saying “leave me alone”? Most parents who pulled that kinda stunt never hear their kid call them “Mom or “Dad”, and Both of them are well aware that if the dad wasn’t arrested, she never would’ve taken Sunset in. Personally I think Sunset should have punched her.
So I guess there's a sequel in the mix.
I hate to say it. But this story feels very rushed, the last two chapters and this ending are bad.
Sunset forgiving her mother so easily i'm s sorry but Celesta has not done a dam thing to prove she be there for her.
you wrote she only took her in after her father was arrested, and after she abandoned her, so this ending i just not going to take seriously at all.
9839307
I'd have to agree with you. I had stopped writing for most of the summer and lost my groove with this story, and ultimately rushed the ending like I had to finish a season with a twelve minute episode. Or six episodes. Game of Thrones. But to better explain it. Sunset stills blames Celestia, but what i've learned in life is it doesn't matter what happened in the past. Celestia totally could've just ditched her in an orphanage, but she changed. She took her in. It follows the way my mother raised me, Don't forget the past, but forgive it.
I want to be honest. I liked the beginning but when I got to the middle up to the end, I was like "what happened?" I hope the sequel will be awesome cause I'm a human sunset shimmer fan even if she is not canon lolz
This’ll be huge!
So this is the end end or are you going to keep going?
Yeah.... this feels like a rush transition from the previous chapter. Especially with the sudden romance.
Interesting story. Though I have criticisms. The chapters felt rushed with one thing after the other without a real sense of progression. From the romance to Celestia and Sunset's relationship. Though I find that Sunset here as a character is interesting so that's a selling point.
Rush and dropped ball.