• Member Since 25th Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Flarefeather


Sunset is THE Waifu. That is all.

E

After the Friendship Games, the Wondercolts and Shadowbolts became friends. For a couple months they have been talking about Christmas and how they are gonna spend it together. Though Twilight thinks otherwise. What is she thinking about?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 11 )

You shift between present and past tenses a few times, and there are minor spelling errors. Examples follow:

"This was suppose to be released in 7 months! This is awesome thanks!" Rainbow hugged Indigo as she shouted in victory.

Should be 'supposed'. Should be a comma between 'awesome' and 'thanks'. Past tense, that's fine. but the next sentence is a conflict.

"Yay hugging!" Pinkie pops out of nowhere hugging both Indigo and Rainbow as hard as she can.

Should be a comma or other separator between 'Yay' and 'hugging', even if pinkie Pie is saying them with no pause. Present tense, conflicting with the past tense of the previous sentence.

Still a fun little read so far. :twilightsmile:

6768211 Thanks for the notices of the errors. I'm not the best writer but I try my best to make it at least readable. Plus I tend to change my way of writing or anything I do in general a lot... :twilightblush:

But I'm glad you enjoyed this story anyway. :twilightsmile:

Its okay, but right now you story is pretty basic on the shipping.


I think you could upgrade it by having some paragraphe showing that Sunset and Twilight flirted a little in the pass (like, very subtle flirt) it would bring more flesh to the whole *suprise kissing* as well as establishing some form of bond betweem the two of them.


OR maybe I am just being a critic for nothing.


Both are fine

Also; merry fucking thankschrismanuka-whatever

6768933 Thanks for the advice. :twilightsmile:

Awwwww that was AMAZING :rainbowkiss:

6769294 Thanks! I'm glad you like it. :twilightsmile:

loved it!! just one little nitpick:

"C-can't breathe..." Indigo squealed as she is tapping Pinkie's arm. She is surprised on how strong Pinkie Pie was. Pinkie then lets go as everyone else laughs hysterically.

the usual advice I see towards this kind of lines is "show, don't tell"; it might work better if you say something like "she looks both surprised and slightly frightened by Pinkie's strength"... as I said, minor nitpick... other than that, maybe I would've liked some more tension growing towards the kiss, but on the other hand, it felt like a natural flow, not too dramatic, not too fast-paced

in the end, it was just some sweet fluff, which I always crave to find here :twilightsmile:

6770674 Glad you like it. :twilightsmile: Plus thanks for the advice.

Wait! So, Fluttershy and Applejack never said anything? ?( sincerely, I like it that way.. I got annoyed when people over-used country accents and over-used "um" foor Flutters)

Nice job taking time to characterise the shadowbolts, this was a very readable slice-of-life. Oho, spare pyjamas are only a sample of what Pinkie can pull out of hammerspace...just a really nice story.

Eeeeeeeeeeee! P.S. I'm squealing.

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