First Day
My eyes fluttered open to the sound of wood being dragged against carpet. The source of the noise was a forty year old woman with a bright smile on her face.
“Morning,” She smiled warmly, “We have to be to work in half an hour, so it’s time you get up.”
“Fuck,” I moaned, “Why can't it wait until tomorrow?”
“First off, watch your mouth,” Her smile dropped, “Second off, because I told you too. And as your mother, I require you to go to school.”
“Fine,” I replied, “Just let me change into somethin’ else. This shirt is sweaty and smell like dirty socks.”
“Like I said, “ She smiled, “Thirty minutes. Oh, and I would recommend the yellow t-shirt with the black leather jacket. Oh, and the blue skinny jeans.”
“Wait, what?” I asked, confused at what she meant.
“It’s in the closet” She pointed towards the door to the left before leaving my room. I opened the closet.
“Woah” I stared. It was a full walk in closet.There were dresses, skirts, jackets and pants everywhere. It even included a fine selection of boots.
“This must be heaven” I stared even longer. I couldn’t help it, everything in here was amazing. I stopped staring and looked for the clothing my mother had mentioned. It wasn’t too hard to find, as it had been hung up together, including the pants.
“She planned it” I moaned. I took the clothes I was wearing off, revealing a nicely curved body. I gave myself a flashy grin before throwing on the shirt and pants. I giggled and threw the jacket over my shoulder before stepping out of the closet. I picked my phone up and headed out my bedroom. As soon as I stepped out, I smelled something faint as if something were burning. Like, pancakes.
“LUNA!”
Oh, that’s why. I walked into the kitchen to find Luna and my mother arguing over burnt pancakes.
“You rushed my pancakes, sister!” Luna yelled.
“You shouldn’t have been making them twenty minutes before work!” Mother fired back.
“They don’t take that long to cook!” Luna yelled back. The continued this for a few more minutes before I butted in.
“Hey, you two!” I caught their attention, “Don’t we have somewhere to go? I mean, I don’t wanna go to school, but I also don't want to hear you argue.”
“She’s right, Luna,” Celestia took a breath, “We should get going, even if you burnt the most simple thing in the world to cook.”
“I’m sorry you were rushing me!” Luna, still upset about her pancakes continued to yell. I sighed as the argument continued. This is gonna be a really long day.
After we arrived five minutes late, my mother decided she would dragged me to my first class.
“Now, Sunset,” She looked me in the eyes, “I understand you don’t like school and have a bad record of skipping. So I’m going to warn you this; I find out you skipped, and I will find out, you will hate me for the rest of your life.”
Already done, I thought. I nodded before she walked off. After a few moments I walked into the classroom. The entire class looked up and stared at me like they were looking into my soul. Except one girl who was sill jotting down notes. Either that or drawing. She had lavender skin and blueish hair with a pink stripe through it. She even had a weird jewel around her neck baring a strange symbol.
“Ah, class,” The teacher, a male with a long gray beard smiled, “This is our new student. Would you care to introduce yourself?”
“My name is Sunset,” I told them, “Sunset Shimmer.”
The girl looked up before going back to her note book. What a nerd. But cute. Bad Sunset! I thought, she probably isn’t even into girls!
“Take a seat next to Twilight,” He told me, “The lavender one.”
I nodded and did as I was told. As I sat down she gave me a crumpled piece of paper. I opened and read it: Look for me during lunch. I’ll be sitting with five other girls. I nodded and crumpled the note back up.
I wonder what she wants, I thought, Maybe she wants to rob me. Or beat me up. Or maybe she’s nice and wants a friendly chat during lunch. Either way, I might show up. And that was the last thought for a while. That was, until lunch. Lunch was just some slop the lunch lady put together, which I expected. After taking my tray, I looked around for that girl from earlier. I eventually found her sitting at a small table in the back. I began my stride towards her, but as soon as I turned a corner I ran head first into some loser who, like me hadn’t been paying attention. He had spiked blue hair and wore a crappy leather jacket.
“Hey!” I stumbled down, spilling my tray of food all over his t-shirt.
“No!” He cried, “My new t-shir- Wait, Sunset? Didn’t you go back to Eque-”
His mouth was covered by a lavender hand which belonged to the same girl I had just seen across the cafeteria.
“Hi Flash!” She fake smiled, obviously hiding something, “Why don’t you go clean your shirt! I’m going to take her over to the girls, okay?”
“Sure, but-” He was cut off when Twilight dragged me all the way over to the same table I had just seen her sitting at.There were five girls sitting there. One was pink with pink hair, one was blue with rainbow hair, another was white with purple hair, a fourth had orange skin and wore a stetson fedora over her blonde hair and the last one was pale yellow and was hiding behind her light pink hair.
“So, who are all of you?’ I asked, curious to why this girl would drag me all the way over here.
“Ah’m Applejack,” The one with the fedora said, “And this is Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy an’ the one who brought you here is Twilight.”
“Ahd we need to discuss something with you,” Twilight let go of my arm.
“Alright, throw it at me” I was curious.
“Well you see-” Rainbow was cut off by Pinkie who put her finger against her mouth.
“You see, we met your doppelganger from another dimension where everybody is a pony. Recently, she went back home and the portal to her home is now closed, meaning all of our magic powers that were held in these crystals around our necks are gone. But Twilight here has a theory that if we found the other Sunset Shimmer we could reopen the portal to Equestria, giving us our powers and best friend back!” Pinkie smiled.
“This school is weird.”
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That is both the most nonchalant and most fitting reaction to CHS.
9328345
Like I said. Chapter 2 will explain it all.
9338344
Ye, pretty much
Can't wait for human Sunset to introduce her to reality land.
But now she just found out that Pony Sunset existed and went back home? The Amulet as well...What happened and How will Sunset fee about this, sounds like they only need her to bring back the Sunset they love and want and toss her aside once it done.
9338445
You will have to wait and see!
The idea and topics possible with this story are plentiful. Repairing broken family ties, adjusting to new a neighbourhood, living in someone else's shadow, the themes here are endless. I encourage your work, however, I would recommend you take some more time with the execution. If you're not used to that, I do think the 5-7 day update schedule should be extended a few more to give this story the time it needs to breathe. Only for a few chapters, of course, since you should improve after some practice.
Some examples of what I mean are in the first exchange:
This introduction is far too blunt and a little unnatural. The entire complexity of how the mother's absence has shaped Sunset doesn't have to be expressed, but as the first thing she says to Sunset, it's important. Bear in mind, too blunt does not mean too short. You can go for the idea that her mother doesn't think being gone all those years is a big deal, but in order to do that, there has to be some hint at the dissonance between them. The use of narration isn't necessarily bad exposition, especially in the beginning.
You can, for example, spend a paragraph right after her mother's first words to go over the mother's appearance. The act of inspection suggests that Sunset is a mix of curiosity and wariness, but also distant because she has to actually take a close look at her mother. Additionally, it sets up the possibility that Sunset wants to be closer by making her take a closer interest in her mother.
This is just one possibility of how to extend the first scene and give it meaning, not the specific problem of the scene. The scene's shortness to the reader is the main problem. I get that their first introduction to each other expresses how much nothing is there because of the mother's absence, but the dialogue and narration are two separate components. The dialogue can be short to express a meaningless relationship, but the narration as to be thusly extended for the audience to dwell on what that might mean for the two of them.
A lack of action in this dialogue makes the moving-in a little weak. This is something that takes the reader straight to the bedroom and the "blue woman" that immediately makes me think of the blue people from Avatar. That's not an issue, just had to add that. Like before, Sunset's internal thoughts should turn to the house's details.
It simply isn't a natural flow of thoughts for a character to move through a new house without observing what's around her. The walls, the doors, where the rooms are and what's on them. This line of thought should eventually lead to the bedroom but jumping there immediately poorly expresses a disconnect between Sunset and her mother's home. It unintentionally produces a tone of familiarity. The audience is not taken through the house, thus they are not seeing for the first time like Sunset, and that causes another rift between reader and character.
Just a minor detail for this one. In dialogue, people more commonly give directions. If there is a visual identifier, directions precede the visual description. Instead of outright saying what the room looks like, it might be more natural for her mother to say either:
"Take a right from the stairs and look for the blank door."
or
"Take right from the stairs, it's by the bathroom." Followed by narration from Sunset where she sees the door and then describes its appearance.
Just a few minor things to clean up, this story definitely has potential if you want to put the effort into it.
Can we as a whole stop doing this? It's lazy and annoying.
Other than that im liking this so far
This makes the girls sound like they want their powers rather then make a new friend it brings to mind selfish children wanting their toys back and the whole moving in with Celestia felt really awkward
Finally!!! A Sci Twi and Human Sunset Shimmer pariring!!! This is a rare find!
So, they just want to use her then?
And what makes them think they could open the portal from their side anyway? None of them have innate magic like pony Sunset or Princess Twilight.
9339328
You'll see
9338743
Agree about awkward. It just really felt off. The line, 'you must be my daughter' really looked horribly odd. The line suggests that Celestia is taking her in as a foster. Part of what's not right is that Celestia would already know her name, and unless everyone has had their memories wiped, she would know her the moment she opened the door. Celestia should have called her by name, but doesn't. The entire thing needs to be full of people who already know her. Which would come across as being really freaky for Sunset, and possibly even very annoying?