Chapter 8 - The Bloody Valkyrie
The Void, a place of nonexistence between the realms of Life and Death. The void was constructed like a mountain divided up into six realms each under the control of two of the original bearers/creators of the artifacts known as the Elements of Harmony.
The first realm was controlled by Honesty and Deception and was known as the Realm of Earth. The Realm of Earth was an endless desert covered in barren sand, stone mountains and gorges. Those who walked it would find themselves parched of thirst and suffer from the great heat.
The second was ruled by Generosity and Greed and was named the Realm of Crystal. The Realm of Crystal was a world of ice and snow that underneath was a labyrinth that was made of crystal. Those who entered would be lost forever in the endless maze.
After navigating the maze one would enter the Realm of Chaos which was controlled by Laughter and Sorrow. The Realm of Chaos was a maddening world where everything held a logical reaction while also being completely illogical. As a result it often drove any who entered mad for a few thousand years.
Were one to survive the Realm of Chaos and not go mad the traveler would be greeted with the the realm controlled by Kindness and Cruelty, the Realm of Fire. The Realm of Fire was a realm where fire engulfed everything, the land was volcanic and the rivers were that of lava. The heat was intolerable and any cloths one wore would burn away from the ash and fire that permeated the air.
Those who lived through the fiery depths would reach the Realm of Magic controlled by the twin magicians, Magic and Necromancy. Their realm similar to the void in many ways, it was a was vast and empty, the senses were muted and the world was quiet. The Realm of Magic was a place of peace and meditation, a place to reflect upon ones path in life and the choices they'd made thus far.
Once the traveler passed through they would come to the 'summit of the mountain' that made up the Void and enter the final realm, the Realm of Shadow. The Realm of shadow was controlled by Loyalty and Betrayal and was an endless world of eternal night The ground was littered with thousands of bio-luminescent plants and trees while the sky shone with thousands of stars. While there was no moon in the sky the stars provided plenty of light. Unlike the other realms, the Realm of Shadow had many structures and creatures that prayed on the unaware. It was a dangerous place.
Deep within the Void at the tip of the 'summit' a mare sat in deep meditation. The mare had live with in this void between life and death for almost three thousand five hundred years. She had trained and learned from each of the Elements and now stood preparing for the final journey. The mares name was Twilight Sparkle, the Alicorn of Harmony.
Slowly the Alicorn opened her eyes to see all twelve beings standing before her, slowly rose to and knelt to the figures. "I assume it is time I leave?" She asked.
"It is." Loyalty said sadly. "We will miss you dear friend."
"I will miss you as well." Twilight said a tear fell from her eye.
"Before you go there are things you must know." Magic said.
"Twilight Sparkle, within your world is a place where we are in contact with." Kindness said. "It is an ancient place links to this world. It was here we founded the Harmony Empire."
"The Harmony Empire is an empire that we founded and was welcoming to every race on Equus." Cruelty said.
"For to long the throne of the Empire has been vacant." Loyalty said. "However the time has come for the ruler to take the throne." Loyalty gazed at Twilight with what felt like pride. "Twilight Sparkle, we ask you to take the throne of the Harmony Empire and lead it."
Twilight stood shocked. "I-I don't know what to say." She said slowly before bowing deeper. "Yes, I will take the throne as you have asked."
The group nodded. "Thank you Twilight." Honesty said. "We contacted the Empire a time ago and told them of you and they they asked you to take the throne. We have lead and advised the Empire from afar but due to us being confined here we can do no more. With you ruling them The empire will flourish."
"You should know however the Harmony Empire has a great responsibility. You see when we created the Empire we built its Archives to be vary special." Necromancy said cheekily. "The Harmony Empire contains the largest archive in all of Equus containing every work ever written from fiction to non-fiction. Every story ever written is there even if there is only one copy ever created. The Archives was created specifically to protect all knowledge from being erased permanently"
Twilight gasped at this.
Deception laughed. "Most of the cities citizens are extremely dedicated to seeking knowledge and any information they acquire is recorded and placed in the archives. The Harmony Empire also contains a non bias history meaning that History is written as it was not as it is believed to be."
Loyalty sighed. "As a result The Empire has many enemies who wish to destroy these secrets and prevent the truth coming out. The Empire is vary protective of the knowledge contained with in the archives. If you become their ruler then you will be tasked with forever guarding this archive."
"I accept this task, and will make sure that such knowledge is never destroyed" Twilight said happily.
The ancient beings laughed. "We know you will dear." Generosity said.
"However we also give you a warning Twilight, Celestia has actively steered you away from your destiny as the Alicorn of Harmony." Greed said.
Twilight frowned. "That makes sense, as Harmony it is my duty to keep order and Chaos in check and Equestia is far to orderly, honestly I can see why Discord hates it so much. Celestia would certainly try to prevent me from learning what my true destiny was."
"Why do you say that my student?" Sorrow asked with a smirk.
"Please, you trained me in politics so you already know." Twilight scoffed. "The reason is it goes against everything she has built for Equestria, it also would leave her in a political bind that she couldn't get out of."
Sorrow nodded. "Good."
"Well with that warning it's time you return home, farewell dear friend." Loyalty said.
Each of the beings raised their hands and a beam of light shot from them and hit Twilight. As the last beam hit her she vanished in a white light. The twelve beings watched the place where Twilight stood a sad look on their faces.
"Come on, if we sulk to much we'll miss the show!" Laughter exclaimed causing the others chuckled and nod.
Slowly she turned to see a mare in armor made from hundreds of interlinking plates with a helmet that was fashioned to look like a wolf. The mare stood as tall as Celestia and her mane and tail appeared as if it were alive shifting through the colors of dusk and dawn as it floated in a ethereal breeze. Her wings were outstretched there tips were a deep purple that faded the higher it went.
In her hand was a weapon though it was to large to be called a sword as it was the size of her, the weapons blade was a double helix with one of the blades glowing a light violet while the other glowed a deep purple almost black. slowly the helmet pulled back on its own revealing the face of a mare with purple fur and violet eyes.
Everyone in the room stared in shock at the mare before them as the walked forward slowly her steps holding a natural grace to them that made her appear seductive while also deadly. The mare slowly approached the Queen her eyes not once leaving her. As she neared the Queen began shacking in fear her eyes wide and glued to the approaching mare.
Celestias Eyes widened as she finally focused on the figure.
"Twilight." Luna gasped in shock.
"Impossible, I killed you." Chrysalis growled.
Twilight laughed. "Ya, you did and it hurt like a bitch but guess what cunt muffin, I got a round two something you aren't getting."
The helmet slowly extended and locked in place the eye glowing red. Twilight drew the sword on her back and held it out as Chrysalis screamed and charged. The Queen drew closer approaching Twilight with the intent to run her blade through the Alicorn but at the last second Twilight swung her sword. The slash ripped through the walls and ceiling and flung Chrysalis out of the throne room.
Twilight turned to followed launching her self at the queen who summoned her magic firing beams of it at the Alicorn. Twilight used her blade to block the beams and redirect at the queen hitting her, Chrysalis cried out in pain as she was rocketed into the ground. Twilight came down on top of her the Changeling Queen barely able to role out of the way. Twilight used the momentum to flip over the blade while simultaneously ripping it from the ground delivering a blow that sent a shock wave out.
As the dust settled the onlookers gasped ad the saw the Queen still standing though a deep slash was cut across her torso, green blood gushed out of it as the Queen glared at the Alicorn.
"How? HOW ARE YOU SO STRONG?!" She screamed as she charged the alicorn.
Twilight snapped her fingers and three swordfish fired at her before she summoned a glass of chocolate milk, as the glass hit the ground a chocolate tornado erupted around the queen.
"Three thousand five hundred years of training to kill you, tha'ts how." Twilight growled as the tornado dispersed.
Twilight waved her hand in an arcing motion and seven miniature suns appeared and fired at Chrysalis who charged slashing the suns. As the suns exploded miniaturized black holes opened and ripped the queen apart. Twilight smiled as she charged the queen and thrust her sword into the queens chest.
Chrysalis screamed as the blade was thrust into her and quickly teleported away. As she turned her eye widened as the blade met her head cleaving it in two, her remaining eye popping out and hanging there. The Changeling Queen form gurgled before falling of the blade.
Twilight eyed the dead Queen as she flung the blood off the blade and sheath it on her back. Slowly she knelt down and grabbed the Alicorn Amulet and examining it before squeezing her hand and the shattering it. She then turned away from the body and unfurled her wings before flying back up to the throne room.
As she landed the group in the room stared in shock as helmet retracted around Twilight s faces and the armor sunk into her skin. When it finished Twilight sighed and stretched. "Well that was quick." She sighed. "And here I thought she would actually be a challenge."
Celestia ran over to Twilight and pulled her into a hug as tears ran down her face. Slowly the others realized that Twilight was actually there and approached the mare. Twilight smiled and turned to them.
"Good to see you guys." She said with a smile.
"It would seem that much has happened since you were last with us." Luna said as she approached them.
Twilight chuckled. "You don't know the half of it." She said.
A sudden buzzing from behind them drew there attention and they turned to see thousands of Changelings floating in front of the opening. Slowly a few landed and approached the group.
"What do you want." Celestia asked coldly.
The lead changeling looked at Twilight and then knelt down. "In accordance with the laws of the Hive the one who slays the Queen becomes the Queen. We pledge our Loyalty to you, Twilight Sparkle."
"Oh ya, forgot about that rule." Twilight said as she sighed.
"What!?" The group exclaimed in shock as they stared in shock.
Twilight ignored them and thought. "Ok, do nothing hostile to anyone, right now you need to surrender. I'll explain the situation to the other rulers." Twilight said to the changelings.
The changelings nodded. "As you command our Queen." The Changelings said.
Twilight turned to the group who were staring at her in shock. "Gather the leaders and commanders. This is going to be a long story."
Several Hours later all the leaders stood around the long meeting table. At the head stood Celestia and Luna while the others took there seats. In the corner stood Twilight Sparkle supposedly back from the dead.
Celestia sighed and turned to Twilight. "We are all here."
Twilight nodded and walked to the table. "The first thing I want to know is how long was I gone."
"It's been a little of one an half years." Celestia replied.
Twilight nodded. "This helps me. When I died I was not taken to the underworld, instead I was taken to a place known as the Void. The Void is a realm between the realms of the Living and Dead, it is here that I met the original twelve bearers and the creators of the Elements of Harmony. They offered me a choice, die and move on or Train to be who I really am and take the role as the Alicorn of Harmony. I accepted the later option and have spent the past three thousand five hundred years training. Now I have returned."
"So what was with the Changelings suddenly surrendering?" Cadence asked.
"The Changelings approached us and said that Twilight was there new Queen, she told them to surrender." King Raven said.
As he said this all eyes turned to Twilight.
"In the hive there are two rules. Rule one: The Queen word is law. The Queen is the overriding will of the hive, no changeling can disobey the Queen whether they want to or not. The second rule is that the one who slays the Queen becomes the Queen. As I killed Queen Chrysalis everything she has is mine by right of conquest." Twilight explained.
"So you are to be the ruler of the Changelings." Dragon Lord Inferno said in thought. "Okay."
Everyone stared at him in surprise.
"What?" He asked. "I trust Twilight to not abuse her power and authority and honestly who else would be there leader?" He asked.
The other leaders looked at each other shrugging.
"Your point is made, Inferno." Celestia said.
"While I appreciate the vote of confidence I already have a throne to claim and it is one you can't deny me." Twilight said calmly.
Everyone turned surprised. "And what is that?" The Minotaur chancellor asked.
"The throne of the Harmony Empire." Twilight said calmly as several leaders gasped or fidgeted uncomfortably.
"Twilight I forbid you from even speaking of that place." Celestia growled.
Twilight turned to stair at her and Celestia froze. "You have no right to do such, The Creators of the Elements of Harmony placed me in the position as the Empress if the Harmony Empire. Besides you have little right to order me around after all you have done."
Celestia eyes widened in fear as the others rulers looked on confused except for Discord who growled.
"You knew!" He yelled angrily. "You knew her destiny and attempted to interfere!"
"Auntie what's going on?" Cadence asked "What did you know?"
"Celestia knew I was the Alicorn of Harmony but instead attempted to stall me and change my destiny because of what Harmony is." Twilight said coldly. "Harmony is balance between Order and Chaos. Because of this I would eventually have to interfere with Equestria."
"Why would you have to do this." King Raven asked.
"Equestia has always walked the border between Harmony and Order, sadly however it has gone to far into the later." Zecora sighed "This Is why I was sent her, Chaos has nearly disappeared."
Twilight nodded. "Equestria has fallen out of Harmony, my job is to keep that balance."
"Sister, why do this?" Luna asked concerned.
"I don't need to explain my actions to you or anyone else!" Celestia retorted angrily before turning to Twilight. "It's clear you have gone mad Twilight, since the Elements won't work unless they are together we will have to contain you." She said as he hand glowed and a set of ethereal chains appeared around Twilight.
Twilight sighed and ripped the chains apart as if they were paper. "Celestia I am over three thousand years old while you are only two thousand, I am both older and more powerful than you." She said calmly.
Celestia growled and her halberd appeared in her hand, Twilight sighed again and raised her hand. Magic arced around Celestia creating a cage that imprisoned her. Celestia screamed and slashed at the cage.
"Sister stop!" Luna exclaimed.
"Alicorns have two sides, a Angelic and Demonic. When you and Celestia sealed away your Demonic half you became unbalanced. For you, the unbalance resulted in Nightmare Moon. For Celestia anything that has any evil or isn't perfect she seeks to destroy or contain." Twilight said calmly.
Slowly she approached the screaming alicorn and raised her hand. "The simplest way to stop this is to break the seal." She said as her magic flared and a loud shattering sound occurred.
Celestia froze before fainting. Twilight dispelled the cage and Luna ran over to her sister and hugging her. "Thank you for the help Twilight." She said as she looked up.
Twiight nodded and smiled. "Happy to help."
A sudden knock at the door came and a guard walked in. "Sorry for the intrusion but a group of guards in black armor have arrived. They say they are from the Harmony Empire and are here to greet their new Empress."
Every one turned to Twilight. "Tell them I will be coming soon." She said as she turned to her friends. "Want to come with me to the Harmony Empire?" she asked.
The group looked at each other in shock.
"Sorry Twi but I can't, I still got to take care of the farm." Applejack said.
"Sorry dear but I must see to my troops first however perhaps we will join you at a later time." Rarity said
"I'll go as long as Discord comes." Fluttershy said.
Discord smiled. "I'd gladly come."
Fluttershy smiled and turned to Twilight. "Then I'll go."
"Road trip!" Pinkie cried out excitedly.
"I'll come Twilight. My Loyalty is to you." Rainbow said before turning to Luna. "Princess Luna, I Commander Rainbow Dash resign my Position as Commander of the Pegasus Military."
"Commander Dash, you are honorably discharged, may your Loyalty guide you." Luna said with a smile.
Rainbow saluted and walked to Twilight as Pinkie skipped over and Fluttershy and Discord approached.
Suddenly Fluttershy's eyes widened. "Oh, um, Twilight is it okay if our daughter comes?" Fluttershy asked.
Twilight smiled and nodded. "Yes she can go." Twilight said with a smile.
Twilight then turned to the guard. "Take us to my subjects." She said.
The guard nodded and turned, Twilight walked out of the conference her friends at her side. The next great chapter beginning as she strode confidentially forward a look of determination on her face
Sequel Now out
Rise of the Eternal Empire
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Arceaion · 20k words · 287 16 · 6.2k views
- Arceaion · 25k words · 321 24 · 7.6k views
- Snow Moon · 77k words · 593 43 · 15k views
- Dark1777 · 37k words · 379 53 · 11k views
- cornholio4 · 13k words · 552 27 · 17k views
- MatCor1337 · 16k words · 331 8 · 15k views
- Phoenix Nebula · 20k words · 706 13 · 16k views
- thedarktome · 270k words · 339 34 · 9.8k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.197 seconds
Total duration
964 users online
1,593,469 hits today, 2,724,632 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Excellent chapter
Is the story finished?
9104623
Yes and no. The story is done for now But there will be a sequel coming. Reload the story to see my plan for whats upcoming. The link works now.
So Chrysalis is no more, and Twilight is the new queen of the changelings, and this Harmony Empire is going to be interesting.
I am hope the changelings will learn to share love.
just as great as i thought the end of this chapter would go please just keep going don't stop can't wait for next story
i gotta admit...i like the story, it could use a bit more detail/fleshing out but the ideas and concepts are interesting and wonderous...and it has enough that my rather overactive imagination could asemble each scene...got a bit deus ex machnay with celestia there at the end, that should have been a bit more drawn out i think, it shouldnt be as easy as a snap of the fingers to erase a thousand year old mindset, seal or no seal.
9104705
I'm glad you enjoyed it. As for Celestia don't worry it didn't erase her mind set that will slowly change over the next arc but it made way for that change. The seal was what kept her unbalanced with it gone Celestia can slowly become more stable but it will be a challenge. Honestly I feel bad for Luna, Twilight pretty much ripped apart everything she knew about her own race and threw it out the metaphorical window plus she has to deal with a mentally and emotionally damaged Celestia. Poor girls gonna need a vacation.
9104744
i rather like how you took out chrisy at least, only way could have gone beter if you had gone full freza with it, sliced diced and blown up...im surprised twilight didnt torture her...for someone whos been touched by necromancy, blood magic, chaos magic, and demon blood [berzerker gmagic] shes....remarkably lacking for blood thirst...
also i had secretly nursed a hope she would have used that necromancy for her reietnrence, summoning and reanimateing her own former corpse as chrysi watched...but i guess twili wouldnt do that with fluttershy and the others watching...she doesnt want them to be scared of her after all
This story got great reviews and a majority of the readers enjoyed it, although there were errors in grammar and a few plot holes here and there as well as it feeling, overall, a little rushed. But in the end the outcome was better than I, and more likely other readers, expected.
Good fuckin' job.
I like this story a lot and can't wait for a sequel. The real thing I say about is that it feels a little rush and the wording could be better. But the thing I'm most grateful for, is that this story didn't give me a migraine like Arrancar of Death does when I read it.
9104756
If it was just Twilight and Chrysalis then I would have done more but I din't want Twilight to go full Dawn Flame with everyone around.
This was good. I liked it, but... I do wish it had a little more narrative, I feel like it all happened so quickly.
Good story! It gets a thumbs up and a fav from me! Keep up the good work man
9104796
will twilight be teaching the others how to tap the other sides of there elements along the way i wonder, or will she seek out new bearers to represent the shadow elements
9104862
You'll just have to wait and see
9104867
guess il just have to check out the mad hatter twilight story while i wait, or maybe check out that one dark fic i saw the other day...too many cool fics around her not enough time in the day to read them all
Added to my Library. I guess I'll look forward to the sequel. Rather curious what happens to Celly now.
I really like the Akashic library. I wonder if I can use that, but if so, it'll be backstory. Perhaps not worth the effort... Darn.
Admittedly, magic (esp. that of friendship, as well as the emotivore and mind control magics) in my AU works via a quantum Internet that links the minds of Equestria's inhabitants (technically, the mind is actually a form of quantum supercomputer whose I/O can be entangled with the real world ... and alicorns have such a large one that it forms a pocket realm), so an archive of all knowledge wouldn't be too hard to set up. Yes, I just made the entire show Sci-Fi, and will attempt to codify magic as a certain type of advanced technology, including all the weird crap that shouldn't make sense.
Fun fact: The alicorns are immortal because the mental core has unlocked Dev access (a few things can cause this) and has subsequently created said pocket realm (making them unkillable since nothing can get to the core, and they can regrow their entire bodies (essentially avatars) if needed).
This is awesome. Nice work.
Thanks for the chapter.
Ok, if no one is gonna say it, I will. Where the fuck is Spike?
been a while since a fic i followed actually completed...
looking forward to the sequel...
as a fan of Overlord, i appreciate the last chapter's title...
9104894 Far to many, I have more in my Read Later folder than my Favorites.
9104909 Read Project Clockwork. It's right up you alley. I won't spoil anything so you'll have to read it.
9104930
Wondered if someone would catch that reference.
welp twilight is op now but i won't mind if she gets a awesome mount like a brachyadios, rathalos, or something like that because that would just be awesome
9104941
Ah, you ARE aware that I have been and have even been commenting? :D
I must say that the CORES confuse the Tartarus out of me. They are seemingly named after her friends, who I believe were hinted actually existed at some point. Did she outlive them or create the CORES in their image? And if so, how? She was the first to gain true sentience (by way of being merged), so how could the others have done so beforehand (and I can't see her making them to be like her friends if they weren't alive; that would be a disturbing mockery like the Eliza program)? I think she was also the only one to have been joined with the CORES, so how could her friends have gotten merged, either? That only leaves the CORES' sentience to be recent and due TO the accident (and her friends not existing here?), but still, why would the CORES have personalities before she arrived there, especially if they weren't really linked directly?
9104941
Oh, yeah. Also, why is she creating a city of robots created by a still-vague-and-creepy method? Is it that her new body creates them automatically and she has to get rid of the proto-Robot thus created, or does she want to do that for some reason?
9104988
I can't keep track of everything, also read the last chapter carefully and you'll realize how the other cores will exist, and pay close attention to before Shy!CORE was brought online. Oh and her friends are still alive but they are old.
9105001
I guess I am not that good at noticing subtle things like that. Still not sure how/where/what the others are.
What made her model the cores off her friends then?
And, for that matter, 1. why was the core not fully active, and 2. how is the AI different from the Clockworks that it presumably didn't need a soul?
9105008
Lets move this discussion over to the other story so we don't confuse the other readerss. I'll answer your questions over there.
Bit with Celestia seems a tad rushed, otherwise nice.
9105051
There is more to it than what was seen. (Also setting up for the sequel.)
9104941
id ask if its werid that i have so many dark fics in my read it later and faves but considering my first expereince with ponyfics was fallout equestria followed imediatly by project horizens i may have...um...biased myself towords them...in fact i find myself having a hard time enjoying more light hearted things....like theres a story called 'a village called respite' its a cute little slice of life story about a village of kind hearted changelings that help and suport the ponies around them...and 2 of these changelings in particular...the story is...good but...it doesnt engage me as much as the darker and more adventure heavy fics do...
9105059
I agree, I have a list of my first early stories in my blog so go look at that list and give those stories a reed they are really good and if you enjoyed them I can recommend more.
I knew the fight would be quick.
I wish you could have but more dialog with the elements, more tears of happy reunion and the like. It felt like the story ended to quickly.
Its the end of an era, but a new legacy is created! This was surprisingly short, but what a damn good ride! I can't wait for the sequel!
I believe that you made a small mistake here. It should be:
How? How did you get so strong!
If you know what I'm hinting at.
Overall, this is another story I'm very glad to have found. If it was possible, you'd get a dozen likes from me.
Very well written, sometimes (but far from each other) there are little mistakes, but nothing that is harmful to reader. Can't wait for sequel.
When are you planning to release the first chapter for Rise of the Harmony Empire?
I can not wait for the sequel. Thank you for this amazing story.
That was a good story cant wait for the sequel....
if there is one
1st point. Hail to the king is the perfect song to listen to with this story
2nd point. was a little disappointed with the whole Celestia thing was hoping there would be another battle
3rf point. can't wait for the next story
Chrysalis, you are fucked.
Good beginning. However, I was expecting more, based on the description. The description made it sound like the there would be more than this, because this felt like a prologue.
Secondly, there is a major grammar issue. While the writing isn't bad, it does become harder to read due to the grammar issues. Programs like Grammarly are really helpful in this, or you may want to ask another user on the website to be an editor, as they could be really helpful and help really improve your work. As a side note, some of your wording is odd, and feels artificial.
Thirdly, as I've read with other comments, and I agree, is that the story does need to slow down quite a bit. The final battle was really disappointing with Chrysalis versus Twilight, which felt like nothing. A recommendation I could give is to not split up the story with the different locations, and give each little section it's own chapter. For example, maybe give Twilight's time in the Void a separate chapter for each thing she does, and then give the war it's own separate chapters, which would help flow. It may sound ridiculous, but sometimes dialogue and snippets into what's going on with each of the characters and their lives can help keep a story going, but doesn't drag it. While seeing all the great action moments are awesome, having only those moments as the story makes it feel fast and un-fun to read. Yes, I do want to see lots of battles and action, but I also like to learn about the characters and connect with them beyond feeling that they have no unique personality.
Finally, I worry about Twilight's character. She feels like a Mary Sue Anti-Hero. It looks like she can never lose, which is not bad if used correctly, but there is no humor or comedy in it. She feels emotionless, and that if she lost anyone she cared about, she wouldn't feel anything. Kind of like White Diamond from Steven Universe. Powerful, but emotionally detached from everything. I just ask that you don't make her an emotionless Mary Sue that doesn't really have an emotional connection with anyone.
Overall, a pretty good story, but does use some work. I'm not trying to be mean, but rather write some constructive criticism.
My rating is a 5.5/10. Has potential, but it's a bit too fast, grammar needs work, and characters feel a bit flat. But the next story could definitely fix all of this, especially the characters.
Keep at it, you have great potential as a writer!
i enjoyed this. i thought the bit with celestia a bit too quick but thats me. also liked dual aspects of the elements and how the girls showed signs of the darker(?) half of them. rainbow and pinky sure did.
There's plenty of others here who have put the same constructive criticism I would give (grammar, pacing, structuring, etc.), so I won't harp on that. Number one other issue I can see is that the artist for your cover art needs credit, mate.
Link to original artist's post
9111436
Thanks, couldn't find a link originally.
9111475
No problem! Main reason I got that so fast was that I'd seen the artwork and followed the artist a while ago. If you ever need to, a reverse image search can do wonders for finding a source and credit.
Colour me impressed. I entered not sure what to expect, but I find what you have done mery much to my liking.
Well, I liked it, and somehow listening to "Hellsing Ultimate Ost - Monster of God (Quality Extended)" Seemed to be good for the last chapter... Even if Celestia thing finished to soon. I mean, she manipulated Twilight for long, and in a moment, after Twilight unlock her other side she just give up.
Jesus, this was a mess... I won't say I didn't enjoy it but I enjoyed it in the "mindless irrational power trip" kinda way. The idea is actually really interesting and I can leave my bias against anthro at the door but the horrendous pacing and outright painful spelling and grammar made this a chore to finish. The fact that you added some random dragon guy but seemed to forget Spike existed also threw me off quite a bit. Sorry but I'm gonna have to dislike this one...
9118998
Spike will be in the next story, I couldn't put him in this story due to him still being a kid and I have plans for Obsidian, he wasn't a one off characture and will have a more played out role in the sequel as well. As for pacing I know it was bad and my grammar is terrible, all these are things I plan to fix (and work to make better) in the future. I do hope you stick around for the sequel though I won't be offended or angry if you don't.
The story was... pretty okay. I don't mind the Berserk reference, except it was quite literally shoved in without any attempts to try and make it different from the source. That sort of thing takes me out of the story.
The Elements Twilight trains with could have literally been anyone else and it would have no bearing on the story whatsoever - they hardly represent what their names imply. Most of them seem to actually have no personality whatsoever. As a result, I mostly skipped the paragraphs about the training because they added little to the story. It would have been much better if they were more aligned with what they were supposed to represent. Also, Magic's counterpart being Necromancy, ANOTHER type of magic, makes little sense and I can tell you didn't quite know what to put in there as an opposite force. It would have been far more interesting if you had Void as Magic's opposite, name the plane they're training on something else, and figure out some power-nullifying abilities for Twilight to learn. Like a shield that consumes everything it comes in contact with, but which can do the same to the caster if they're not careful.
I noticed that you copied the description of the Void almost exactly word-for-word from a previous chapter, in an attempt to... I don't know, remind us where this whole thing happens? Honestly, that bit of information is completely irrelevant, and serves no purpose other than to pad the word count. And I'm certain it wasn't that long ago that we needed a reminder of where Twilight exactly is, as you make an effort to describe the places she goes to.
The worst offender, by far, is the story description. It made me think that is exactly where the narrative will start - AFTER Twilight returns from the Void, defeats Chrysalis and begins her tenure as Alicorn of Harmony. Instead, it's an actual spoiler of what is going to happen in the story itself, and if I knew that from the beginning I wouldn't have bothered reading. There is no tension, no buildup, because we know from the very beginning that Chrysalis will fail, and Twilight will kill her. You desperately need to change the description so it doesn't give away the entire plot. The current one would, however, be a pretty good description for the sequel, with a few changes.
All in all, the premise is very interesting, but is being dragged down by what seems like unnecessary filler and a misleading story description. I won't downvote or upvote, and I will certainly have a look at the sequel when it comes, since that was the part I was actually interested in.