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I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some from ahead and some from behind.But I've bought a big bat, I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles will have troubles with me. - Dr. Seus


Comments ( 68 )

Displaced Darkness: When There are No More Hero's Left

*Heroes, not hero's.
Also, you might want to simplify the description a bit, or at least split it into separate paragraphs instead of having a giant block of text. :twilightsmile:

-A friendly tip from some guy celebrating 3 years on Fimfiction.


Run-on description much?

Or, what 8977626 here said.

Ay, it's been a while since we've talked, eh?

8977640 Indeed it has.

Been busy with RL stuff sadly.

You need to read this, though I claim no words having been written by me.

So I’m going to come right out of the gate by being brutally honest:

Your first story is going to suck.

And by that, I mean it will be absolutely terrible no matter how hard you try.

The reason for this isn’t that you’re a terrible writer or that your ideas are trash (though I’m not excluding those possibilities), I’m just saying that, as a matter of fact, you don’t yet have the experience necessary to determine what is good writing and what is absolutely terrible writing. You haven’t yet experimented enough to find your own style, and you haven’t been through the fire and flames of public critique from which you should learn.

My first story was absolutely atrocious. I can’t believe I even thought it was a good idea at the time (because I definitely did). Sure I was eventually able to bring myself to kill it and attempt a massive rewrite, but some noobishness still lingers within the OC descriptions and overdone prose. I’ve since abandoned the project, but I may come back to it and completely redo it (again). I still like the idea, but canon has since obliterated any and all hope of making it fit the way I wanted it to, so I may have to trash it completely and start again. So even my first story sucked.

Now I don’t want you to get discouraged by this statement of objectively undeniable fact. What I do want is for you to understand what it’s going to really take for you to become a good writer and for you to have success in the fiction world:

Work, and lots of it.

This doesn’t mean the process can’t be fun, because it totally can, especially if that’s all you intend to do when writing.

Having fun is, in fact, my first tip: Don’t be too serious about writing. If you are, then you risk being so emotionally invested in your very first not-as-great-as-you-think fiction story that the critique and downvotes will deliver crushing blows to your hopes, dreams, and ego. I don’t want that to happen to you as it did to me (and many other hopeful writers). So don’t stress so much about everything. Messing up and experimenting are part of the process, and if you get some downvotes or critical commentary because of it, don’t take them personally. You’re learning, be forgiving of yourself and of the people who may not know that you’re a beginning writer.

And don’t get defensive. First time writers usually make the mistake of loving their first ideas as precious babies that must be protected and defended, rather than the proving of the waters that they really are.

Take every comment and criticism into consideration. While some will be massively opinionated, others are full of helpful tips and hints regarding what your audience wants to read. So don’t be defensive. If someone doesn’t like your story, deleting their comments or trying to explain something “they should have understood” won’t convince them otherwise. Accept their criticisms and try to learn from them. (A good rule of thumb is “If you have to explain it, you haven’t done your job as a storyteller and something needs to be fixed.”)

Just to be clear, these first tips aren’t about writing mistakes. They’re about emotional mistakes, and I want to prepare you beforehand by letting you know that your story already sucks, even though you haven’t written it yet. Accept that, and be willing to learn from it, and you’ll be all the happier and better for it.

So to reiterate: Don’t take it too seriously. Have fun with it. Experiment, then learn from your mistakes (because we all make them from time to time). :twilightsmile:

In fact, the silly and fun ideas are usually the ones that get picked up and read now days, mostly because srs biznus can get super tiring. But that’s a different topic.

“But Piercing! How do I make sure my first stories don’t suck so much?”

Good question! I will now dedicate the rest of this lecture to answering it. It’ll be a bit long, but if you manage to get to the end and take my advice, you can avoid writing something you’ll later massively regret.

I’m breaking it up into a few sections:
1 - How Not to Be a Noob (some things to avoid doing in your first fic if you want people to take your work seriously)
2 - Publishing Your Story (when, where, and how to publish your story)
3 - What Now? (some tips about how to handle what comes next, and what to do when you’re done) (Hint: You’re not actually done)
4 - Resources (useful references and things that you absolutely MUST read before beginning your first story)

I know this looks like a lot, but trust me, I wish I knew these things when I started writing. So I’m giving them to you now so you can avoid making the same mistakes that I and many others have made.

Now let’s get started!

How Not to Be a Noob

There’s no other way to put it. Your first story idea probably falls into one of these absolutely forbidden tropes.

The reason they are forbidden isn’t simply because they’re poorly written or bad ideas (though they are those things), but they are forbidden because the fandom has seen these kinds of fics so often that they come off as annoying and noobish beyond all reason. Just about every experienced reader dislikes them because they are massive signs of being a noob.

If you decide to venture forth and write a story that fits any of these tropes, prepare for downvotes and satirical comments. Some people may ask whether or not you’re serious. Perhaps most importantly, your fic will be ignored completely and utterly.

So, don’t do these things… ever. At least not while you’re still a beginner. Successfully doing any of these things in a new, competent, and high-quality way is excruciatingly difficult for even the most experienced of writers. I don’t dare venture into most of these areas myself for fear of crucifiction (spelling intentional).

Anyway, I think that warning is clear enough. On to listing the atrocities of noobish writing:

1 • The Angsty/OP/Self-insert/Mary Sue OC - This is above and beyond the most hated offender of the bunch. If your OC is angsty (“I hate my life”, “my soul is blacker than space”, terrible/awkward at everything they do, etc.), overpowered (alicorns, impossibly/abnormally skilled, and the like), a self-insert (wish-fulfillment, human in equestria, and such), or a Mary Sue (any combination of the previous categories), your story is essentially doomed to a life of downvotes and mockery. And if the story is obviously a self-insert (the protagonist has your username) then the downvotes and mockery will be even worse.

And whoever your OC is, even if they manage not to fit the above description, the story absolutely should NOT be all about your OC. Sure they can be the main protagonist, but do NOT make the story about them. I hope that made sense.

Avoid this category like the plague unless you have years of experience and are certain you know what you’re getting into. Trust me on this one; it isn’t worth it.

2 • Bad Grammar, Spelling, Punctuation, and more... - Seriously, if you don’t know how to properly punctuate things like dialogue, or how to put a comprehensible sentence together, you should probably go and study up on that first. Writing your story in understandable English is just as important as having a good story to write. Here is a link that I highly recommend. I talk more about it in the references section.

3 • Overdone OC descriptions - This happens a lot. It’s a bit difficult to describe, so instead I’ll give you some examples:

Hi, I’m Mahogany Dreams. I have a carmel coat with dark brown hair and teal eyes-...

Okay, that’s enough examples.

In all seriousness though, no one cares what your OC looks like unless it’s important to the story, and to be honest, it usually isn’t. When you describe your OC visually (especially in the first person), it gives the impression that the story is all about your OC being a special little snowflake who the story must entirely focus on lest they cease to exist.

And please for the sake of all that is sacred and worship-worthy (and your mental health), do NOT make your OC black and/or red or any combination. Scars are acceptable, but don’t make them an important part of their personality.

Only introduce the things we need to know when we need to know them. That’s a super simple rule of thumb that I think works not just for OC descriptions, but for everything else in writing as well.

When it comes to an OC, the most we really need is a name, a race (not so much), and a gender, all of which can be covered with simple dialogue and actions instead of direct statements.

4 • “Hi, I’m new to Equestria!” - Any stories about being suddenly transformed into a pony, encountering the mane six for the first time only to get caught up in their adventures, or any other similar premises are heavily frowned upon. This type of story falls under the “self-insert” category described above. It’s because of these kinds of stories that Human in Equestria stories are the most disliked category on fimfic. It very rarely works out, especially if it’s your first story.

5 • Shipping an OC With Any of the Mane Cast - Just don’t do it. It comes off instantly as being a self-insert. In fact, as a beginner, you should avoid most shipping unless you’re confident you understand how romance really works and your story isn’t focused on shipping at all.

But if you really want to try it, I highly recommend reading a few lectures specifically regarding characters and shipping before you even put down the first word.

Seriously, romance is hard to write, especially for a beginner.

6 • Biting Off More Than You Can Chew - Very frequently, new writers like to attempt a grand entrance with a tolkienesque epic or some other huge and unmanageable tome of fiction. Certainly war and intricate adventure/suspense stories are fun and all, but they aren’t good for your first story unless you’re absolutely committed to going over it multiple times with teams of editors, proofreaders, and pre-readers to make sure you polish it up properly. The problem with these stories isn’t that they are bad, but that they feel forced and overdone to the point that the writer eventually abandons the project altogether.

Don’t start with that. Let the idea fester and grow some more while you gain a bit more experience writing shorter and more manageable stories. Otherwise, you risk wasting a good idea with inexperienced writing.

One-shots and other short stories can make for good practice. If you’re a beginner and want to improve, that’s a quick way to do it.

7 • Etc. - Those are really the biggest offenders when it comes to beginners writing stories. If you fall into one of these tropes, you will likely get called out with votes and comments, then you’ll get all angry and sad and defensive, and probably lose confidence in your ability to write, etc. etc…

Don’t let that happen to you.

For all general purposes, I highly, highly recommend reading plenty of other stories before you venture off on your own. You can learn a lot by reading plenty of good (and bad) examples. Find some of your favorite stories with your favorite styles and think about and learn why you loved them so much. What was it that interested you? What was boring? What was annoying? What mistakes do you want to avoid when writing your story?

Reading a lot is a wonderful method of honing your own writing. It can inspire and motivate you while educating you. So read. Read a lot. And learn from what you love and what you hate.

I know I’m using the phrase “I highly recommend” a lot, but I don’t want you to think I don’t mean it. I mean it every single time I say it. So please, for your sake, take my advice into consideration and avoid falling into any of the above tropes.

Publishing Your Story

So, you’re writing your story, and you want to publish it? Slow down young fledgling, I want to show you some publishing strategies that you may want to consider.

There are three general methods:
1 - Write and update when I feel like it.
2 - Write and update on a regular schedule.
3 - Don’t publish anything until it’s completely done.

Take some time to think about how you want to release your stories. Each has their advantages and disadvantages.

The first is generally what most writers end up doing even though they want to do the second. Writing on a consistent and regular schedule is extremely difficult, especially if your writing depends on having inspiration.

The third is a nice way of doing it, though you don’t get the instant feedback that tells you whether or not your story is taking a bad track. It does, however, allow you to ignore the feedback until publishing time (but as a beginner, feedback is good) and without the feedback bothering you, you can generally stay motivated to finish it on your own time in whatever way you want.

So before publishing anything, give those publishing strategies some consideration.

As for where to publish your story, start with just fimfiction and other similar sites that don’t require any form of quality control. It’ll give you decent enough exposure to gauge a reaction to the story without you having to go through the hoops of a pre-reading team.

As a beginner, I advise against submitting your story to EqD. They have a large number of fics coming in all the time, and the pre-readers are blunt and straightforward. They can shoot your story out of the sky and throw it in a blender without even blinking. And you can cry all you want, but that won’t make them love your story.

While EqD does get you views, it only gets you views because your story deserves them. It’s not there for you to get more people to judge your story. The only people there who will end up doing that is the pre-readers, and trust me, you don’t want them to be your very first encounter with critical responses. You gotta warm up to that level of unforgiving scrupulousness.

So stick with Fimfic and other low barrier of entry sites for now.

When should you publish it?

That’s entirely up to you. I’m aware that some attempts have been made to look at the statistics of site traffic to maximize viewership, but when you have to submit your story to the Fimfic moderators for review first, the timing of release really depends on when they get around to skimming your work, and that can take a few hours.

The good target time, I’d say, is about noon to early afternoon United State time on any day that isn’t Friday. That’s when there is (supposedly) a high ratio of site visitors to new fics being published, and your fic has a high likelihood of being seen and read.

Views aren’t just good for making a fic look good, but they’re also good because you’re more likely to get a useable amount of feedback from which you can learn and grow.

Remember, your first story is going to suck horrifically, which makes it the perfect opportunity to learn what you need to improve on.

What Now?

Well now, you keep going. Read comments, learn from them, write more stories, finish some one-shots, read a ton of other writers’ works, and don’t be afraid to experiment.

Check out more of the lectures here in the School for New Writers. DEFINITELY check out the resources below. And when you’re done with those, start exploring other things.

The most important thing, though, is to not get discouraged. As I said, don’t take it too seriously. Have fun with it. Experiment, and learn from your mistakes (because we all make them from time to time). :twilightsmile:

Now! Resources! These are super important! Check ‘em out!

Writing Resources

First and foremost, is The Writing Guide. It is a fantastic resources that is always at your fingertips in the link at the top of the page (under FAQ):

In all honesty, this is the one resource I keep recommending to everyone. It includes all sorts of wonderful tips. Everything from grammar and punctuation to basic style and plot design is covered in it. Please, for the love of all things holy in this world, read it.

Read it all the way through, don’t skip a single section, and take to heart every bit of advice that you can.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve come across the same massive mistakes over and over again, all of which could have been avoided if they had just followed the advice of The Writing Guide.

Seriously, I cannotrecommend itenough.

Click here to check it out and be thoroughly educated in the ways of not sucking horribly at putting words in sentences and paragraphs.

I highly recommend everything regarding grammar and punctuation. That stuff is, like, super important. I also highly recommend the section on Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, a common pitfall for the amateur author.

I just recommend all of it.Read all of it.Do it.

Phew! Now that I’ve got that out of the way here are a few SFNW lectures that I frequently recommend (and yes, some of them are mine):

• How to Create a Story
• Building Round and Realistic Main Characters
• Showing vs Telling For the Millionth Time
• A Tool for All Authors: Do it Wrong On Purpose
• Teamwork Makes the Dream Work! Introduction to Writer’s Team
• Writer’s Block: The Solution(s)
• It Feels Rapey (How NOT to Write Romance)

I would recommend more, but I think keeping it to the basics is a good idea.

I hope this has been useful and instructive. I may update this every once in a while as I find better advice, or better ways to word the advice I’ve already given.

Anyway, this lecture is waaaaay longer than I intended it to be. Then again, learning to write takes waaaaay longer than you probably expected.

It’s a lot of work, but if you approach it right, it can be a ton of fun, and eventually, you may write a super successful story if you so choose.

That’s all for today. Thanks for reading, and good luck!

Chocolate Scented Paper,

[Copied from the lecture records of the School for New Writers, posted with permission]

Yup. It's been quite some time since I wrote Spacebound Equestria. In fact, I'm actually starting work on my first Original Fiction story in years.



Just dropped half my description, corrected the title, and split the whole thing into more manageable chunks. As you can see from the main body of text, in the actual story, I have dropped all of my normal restrictions on chapter size and everything else. Normally I stick to 1,000 or 2,000 words. If I can not say it in 1,000, I expand it to 2,000. Never more. I am ignoring that for this one. Oh and yes I know this is probably going to suck pretty hard, I'm drawing from a crappy place in my head, so no surprise. But Stupidhand14 the next time you have something that big, send it through my pm on the site. That way I can read it at my lesiure, I often post before I do a serious edit, merely because, with my internet and current hardware set up, things have a tendency to get lost. A LOT!!!!! So this has had a once over but not much else. Besides I like doing things this way for another reason. The comments, I LOVE COMMENTS!!!!!! I love reading and hearing what others, think, or advice. So please keep them coming and I will answer them as I can. Thank you all.


Don't fall into the abyss of despair because no one will be able to pull you back out...just saying because their is no possible way for me to escape....

8977669 Yeah, it has, and that is cool!

8977695 Good. It looks MUCH better now.
Putting this on my "Read Later" Bookshelf for later perusal.

I would seriously consider re-editing the description. In it's current state, it reads more like a blog post or an author's note; it's frankly not fit for purpose.

Remember: your description and your cover pic are your main advertisement, they are what will draw in readers. Your cover pic is attractive; it will stand out and draw the eye, but once the reader gets a sentence or two into you talking about your girlfriend, they'll likely just click off. There are many, many fics on this site competing for people's attention; one or two sentences into the description is all you get to convince them to invest time in your fic. It might be all you get to convince them to even read the rest of your description.

I will repeat: you get a couple of sentences to grab people, so don't waste them.

I recommend copy pasting your current description into an author's note or a blog, and writing out a proper description for your fic. Go to the Top Stories list and read some descriptions there for inspiration. In fact, read those fics in general.

I have to step back a bit. I'm running a bit to maniac right now to objectively edit it. But I will take your suggestion. I just need to step back and then come back at it from a different angle. But thank you for the comment.

Totally retooled the entire thing. Tell me what you think. Honestly, I knew what everyone was saying already so for me kinda an embarrassing mistake on my part. Thanks for the comment. I love hearing what people think.


That's much better. I touch ambiguous, and perhaps not to my taste (a bit dark), it's far, far better than what it was.

Well done :twilightsmile:

so, did he just save the villain, the lesser of two evils, or something else? cause unless the whole female slavery thing has only been going on for a short time, the young caribou's words seems to tell me the older one was in charge and was allowing this to go on.

This is Fall of Equestria, the female enslavement is one of the aspects of it. Being a fanfic writer he knows it's conventions. So right know he’s winging it. Imagine he’s one, maybe two steps from being the joker. So, all he has done has endear himself to the one in charge. Also, he’s kinda working through some things. Like he said he saw an opportunity then went for it. However, I can promise that things are going to turn rather quickly. Finally, The FOE genre, if I can call it that, was based on a template that was used in a book series called Gor. I am familiar with that series. So part of this story is me making fun of the cliched, misogynistic barbarian esque wish-fulfillment piece of garbage that was Gor. Cliche number one, ”civilized man saves savage that proves useful and is accepted into the tribe!

I was just throwing out my thoughts on the matter. Make people stop and think till the next update answers the question.

Figured, thanks for the comment and keep them coming. I am making a number of assumptions about the knowledge that My readers have about this genre after all, so I expect at least some confusion. I'm actually going to address most of the points of contention and confusion in a blog post. Hopefully, that will answer any concerns.

The tags make me really nervous. Can I please have proof that you read and understood stupidhand14 and Hamster_Master's comments?

First, when it comes to the tags up on top, especially on the ones that preface this particular story, I am going to air on the side of caution. I dearly hope that I will be able to drop several of them as the story progresses. Maybe even take this down to teen. But I want them there in case they're needed. I would rather someone turn away from something I wrote out of caution, rather then read something they were unprepared for. I do not plan on placing anything resembling rape within this story. However, I do plan on discussing the subject of impaired consent, as well as the appropriate response, and that is something I am treating with a great deal of caution. Especially with its importance in my life. If you are uncertain, read something else. I have already descended into one scene of public cannibalism. It was entirely unplanned, but it was something, in that instance, that the character would've done. As of now I am proceeding cautiously. Especially with that last chapter laving a rather bad taste in my mouth, just from the dialogue and the exposition. I understand nervousness, I'm the one writing it and this story makes ME nervous. However, I happen to have Nightmares I want to get rid off. So again Nova, if nervous of Uncertain, don't read this one.

Damn it all! Forgot to hit reply. What I get for doing this after being up for over 24 hours.
So, besides what I write here, the comment underneath is a reply for you too. I do not know your particular reading or writing experience. So forgive me please if I get a bit pedantic or sound like a jerk, I promise I'm not trying too. My experiences though, well, lets just say that for a long time I read every damn thing I could pick up. So while I and the educational institutions of this world, frankly have a poor relationship, unless they need something cleaned, I do have a good understanding of more than I perhaps should. So to hopefully answer a bit more of your questions, how about this.

!. I love Constructive Criticism, and by that I mean that I'm well aware that I suck and that I will always suck, especially compared to any other writers. I'm an awful writer. But I really can't stop, so I'll continue. So all I ask is that whenever someone wishes to tell me that I stink, tell me what particular written vile odor you wish me to address and I'll endeavor to do my best to learn from the mistake.

2. I know I sound like I am taking this story seriously, and I am, to a point. The rest is me doing something I've wanted to do since I read my first FOE story. I realized quickly that the whole genre is based on a template for a series of fantasy stories written, I want to say back in the 60's or 70's, called the Gor series. I picked a whole bunch of them up at my library one boring summer for .10 a piece. I wish that I could have those dimes back. The Gor books are the equivalent of Misogynistic romance novels that frankly were abohorent when I read them, let alone now that I know that such things have contaminated something I take great pleasure in, namely the Brony fandom. So this story is a gigantic rewrite of how I wanted those books to go. In short, themes and cliches will be made fun of or at the very least reversed.

3. God yes! I know that this story has been done completely and utterly to death! I wish they would stay dead. However, this is one of a set of stories I'm doing that are going to be crossing the genres, for lack of a better term, of the fandom. My assassin-verse story was in fact the first. This is the next and I'm brainstorming the third. They will connect cross-universal at the end. It's a massive present to Gundamhero96 for his help in both encouraging me to write on this site and for bouncing Ideas around with me. All the stories will feature Trixie in a very important, major role as that is his favorite character.

4. The reason this is a DISPLACED FOE fic is that I happen to not like either of those genres. Displaced for the aforementioned Mary Sue/Deus Ex Machina crap, and of Course FOE because most are excuses for Male Chauvinism. So I'm attempting to kill two birds with one stone, that way I can move on to something I would rather do. The fact that me obsessing about doing this led to some rather unpleasant nightmares has made me want to get this done. Although this is not my favorite, or even enjoyable, I have set myself a task and I intend to finish it to the best of ability.

So in short, I understood the comments, and I will be attempting to incorporate what I can into this tale, but I am uncertain how much will come through.

Will this story have any m/f sex scenes, implied or otherwise, where the woman does most or all of the work?

I’ve been implying that through out, just haven’t been obviously vulgar, yet. The cliche is that here, females are, for lack of a better term, furniture and with about the same importance. You may have a favorite chair, but you’re not gonna be to upset your buddy sots in it. They are denied even the designation of a name. I have been using that through out. Realize that this is at its core a serious hate fic towards FOE. The warnings are there so that I can have some room to explore that outright hatred, disgust, and bad taste FOE leaves in my mouth. As for the Displaced aspects, I am avoiding the parts of those that I dislike and playing with those I do. The only thing I dislike about Displaced fics is how relationships are glossed over and how none of these supposed self aware bronies or pegasisters actually realize that the narrative is seeking to write them in, hence most of their problems, why everything HAS to scale up. As the writer, I have to pay attention to that, however Innocent is well aware of everything I mentioned above, for both the displaced and foe cliche’s. For right now, he’s been good, the narrative hasn’t noticed him yet. But, its about too.

Thanks, gotta tell me how I do!

You have my attention...
Also, just to warn you, Hamster_Master doesn't give constructive criticism.
He usually shows up just to troll displaced writers.

Good frickin lord....
I think I'm gonna be sick....:pinkiesick:

Having read a few of the comments, I will say this: Not all Displaced are as bad as you think they are.

Yes, it's been overdone, but that's the beauty of it. Displaced allows you to come up with new ideas that you can integrate into non-displaced stories.

Unfortunately, some people go the self insert route and do it very badly. And that in turn gives the group and the genre a bad rep. There are some extremely good stories if you look deeper. Take FrosttheWolf's 'Swords, Sorcery and Shenanigans', or Shimigaradasparda's 'Warrior of Epicness'. These are some very well written stories,

But you have your opinions, and I have mine. I will say however, you've piqued my interest with this story. I'll track it for now, but I'll save the usual fav and upvote until the story's progressed some more.

It's no brainer to know what the reward is in this universe, but he's going to refuse and fight them because of his backstory. Oh and this story has no crossover tag, for those that didn't read them.

If anything he can use magic to fix most of his problems I mean the king of the Caribou still the magic from all the Princesses and discord when any of those power should be able to theoretically make him immortal Or at the very least extend his life span

I thank you for giving this a chance. Maybe something else I wrote will be more to your liking. I respect your opinions and I thank you for respecting mine, though perhaps I could've phrased them a little better as to be less confrontational. I do apologize for that. I fear I may have a bit of a personal bias and I am worrying that it appears to be coming through. One of several reason I have not gotten to the next chapter yet.

As for those that seek to troll me, for whatever reason, when I said I welcome all comments I meant it. I actually want to hear what those that prejudge and those that dislike this have to say. I invite the trolls and those that seek to shout out of their own sense of insignificance. In that moment I will get to hear all the negative and turn it constructive myself, and if it gets bad, that is what the removal of a comment is for. My problem with Displaced, least the ones I have read isn't the OP nature or even the fact that self inserts make for poor characters because of the tendency of the author to eliminate one's own flaws, it is with the simple fact that once the Displaced enters into the greater world the story becomes about them. The rest of the world turns to watch them, even those with no reason too. Which if done right can be wonderful, but then comes the inevitable meeting of other displaced and that sense of center jars as the world either focuses on the other displaced or trys to bounce back and forth. Both are difficult to manage for regular character's let alone those that are as Epic as the Displaced can get.

Let me be clear, the character within this is not me, though the fight scene was factual in that it is based on actual self defense moves I have used, just without the knife, and mine are Non-Lethal. He also has my technical creativity and has turned that to certain things that will be fun later. The materials he was forced to leave behind severely handicapped him and prevented their use until he can restock.

I have his write up if you wish to see it, just tell me where to post or send it. It will only take me the time to find a random free moment and type it up. Also the Rules he quotes to the merchant are used throughout all the stories. They are all unspoken, he's just the one that ended up writing them down and then using them against his merchant. Which was an act of desperation, he wanted out and the Merchant gave him out, just with an extra FU in there for being a prick. No one likes a rules lawyer.

I'm actually not happy with the last chapter, as I glossed over how bad a reaction that coming down off adrenaline pumped to that extreme can be. It is the other reason I paused. I realized I was falling into the same trap, I railed against. I intend this to be Satire used to reverse cliches I have observed within both genres. For instance, in most displaced the main character is unaware of their effect on Narrative Causality, this character is. So far he has been seeking to reduce his effect.

I hope to make clear that the Caribou are suffering from a disease, the same disease that they seek to infect on the rest of the world. A Rabid Dog Isn't Evil, it's sick, the kind thing is to end its suffering. Lest it bite someone else and spread the infection.

To what passage are you referring that you're going to be sick? I have yet to place anything in this that comes close to half of what I have read in other FOE fics..

Thank you again for giving this story the time of day and I hope I addressed all you concerns, I hope that you do return as a reader and continue to comment as much as you like, it was a true delight to read your well thought out comments, and I hope, either in this story or others of mine to see their return.

I would hope it's a no brainer, I was worried I was being unclear with the foreshadowing. As for his response? Are you sure that you know what it will be? Are you positive that he will merely refuse? What else might he do? What can he do? As for using magic? Magic has rules, the kind of damage that he does to himself everytime he removes his limiters would require him to continually draw energy, even more so the Chrysalis does. As Aegis said, mortal flesh and blood are mortal flesh and blood. There is a reason Twilight had to retreat into the Ether when she Ascended, it was so the energy could remake her into something that could contain it. Otherwise her body would be unable to adjust. In short she had to be destroyed and rebuilt from the ground up, which is why Celestia showed up to usher her into Alicorn Hood. So that Twilight wouldn't panic and hurt herself. So Magic will probably not be the answer. Besides, he made his peace with what he was doing to himself a long time ago.

Thank you for reminding me. It does now.

The Merchant Smiled, "That it is. Problem is no one can afford them, so when I get them they sit on a shelf. But you two were made for each other. By the way say hi to Dainn for me. You really should've played the game and done the dance, not been a jerk."

*eyes become pinpricks*

*grins manically*

So... you sent a master killer who hates the act of raping into the world with the King and his Kingdom of Rape, well played.

Remember the rules:
1. You have to sell to anyone willing to buy,
2. You can only send them to a version of Equestria that they have the possibility of happiness.
3. You have to sell them something that is useful, beneficial, and they actually need for a fair price.

So the Merchant sent him someplace that he could be happy either way. If he gives in to his own darkness Innocent will be happy. If he doesn't and precedes to murder and do other things through the Caribou ranks, well that's happiness too. Like the chapter says, Never Piss Off The Merchant.

A good start has potetial, can't wait to read the rest.

I can't wait for the blood shed to start, it's been good so far. Also couldn't he just become a cyborg or something, instead of upgrading himself biolocically with cellulare change he uses cybornetics created by the motherbox?

He's only had the motherbox for a short period of time. He's mainly sticking with what he knows for now. Combat against 4 obviously battle hardened Caribou is really not the best time to experiment. But I think you will find that he has already upgraded himself a bit. Not to spoil too much, but body modification can be used offensively and their are some amazingly pragmatic things that can be done, if of course you don't care about things like pain or damaging yourself. He set those two things down for lent and forgot where he left them.
As for Bloodshed, he removed a heart from someone's chest and ate it like an apple as a whole town watched, bloodshed already started Mein Friend.

Honestly, I hope I can keep it up. This is like running a marathon at a dead sprint for me. It flows fast, but this story requires me to do a bit of mental gymnastics. But I am glad that you like it.

Was mainly when he just digs into that Caribou. I've read some gory stuff, but that... was just unnerving.

Glad you liked it. It has some mistakes, but part of the way I write these stories is to practice editing as I go, and to know when to stop editing.

Allowing himself to be helped to his feet he followed the older male out into Ponyvile, occasionally pausing as Dagur would point out various places of interest.

Isn't it ponyville?

Yes, Yes It Is. Habitual Mispelling.

One that my spell check doesn't catch anymore. I have no idea why

Ponyville isn't actually a word so you need to write it right yourself. Or at least it isn't in the word check as a word.

Okay what does this weird segue way have to do with the rest of the story? For that matter how does this even fit with the story?

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