• Member Since 8th Jun, 2019
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

King Rose


If you think that I'm Sombra, then you'd be wrong... I'm much worse, but I do not harm... I find those who are lost, and I help them... I am the last of my kind, I am... King Rose.

Comments ( 45 )

That's a... confusing start. Bonus points for making the merchant different.

Very... However, I like to make some things confusing for the lore.

9788643
By the way? please try to avoid switching povs. Just pick first or third and remain with one character's pov.

I'll try, but it still might happen.

9788649
It's just when it comes to first person, people want to get to know the person the story is about, but when you keep switching povs, it can get confusing. Now, if it was all done in third person, then the pov switches would work fine.

Ah, I'll try to keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice.

9788659
No problem. Btw, you may want to include a status in your story's description on if or if not you'll be doing cross-overs with other Displaced. That way, they won't bother you if you're not readdy or don't plan on doing cross-overs.

Got it. Once again thank you.

9788667
Anytime. I wish you the best of luck in your story.

DNC

Looking foreword to seeing this continue.:pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy:

Cool story, looking forward for the next chapter.

Hmm. Interesting start, but the speed was way too fast. The amount of implied story here is a detriment to the whole story. You should focus on one point in time for at least 10 paragraphs so we can get an idea for a time line. The wild jumps in time do nothing for character development. How long was Xena aware of what she was doing? What was her thought process for the 15 years she was trapped? What led up to this battle, who was the dragon she killed? Why do any of the characters show up to this battle, what’s their purpose of being there? The dragon wants revenge, Grover wants... the Minotaur wants... Celly and Luna want... and so on. There’s a lot of potential here so really figure out how you want this to go, as first impressions go, this one was poor. A great deal of world building is lost with time jumps like this, we don’t have any idea of the time period until after the battle, which we don’t get to see. Was this battle similar to a monster hunter fight? Who played what roll? Who used the hunting horn? If you read any point of a story and ask why is this happening and you don’t have an answer and it isn’t plot related, I.e. a secret that hasn’t been revealed yet, then the words do nothing to create interest. Spelling was good and sentence structure needed work. Good effort so far keep it up!

i see xeno jiva insta fav , also greate start quite confusing in the beginning but it was ok

I gotta say, i really like what you did with this version of the merchant, not very many stories actually bother to put more personality into the merchant.

Also, Xeno'jiva is spelt with 2 i's not one. Xeno'jiiva

9795197
Yeah I noticed that mistake a few times and I'll be sure to edit it after I get chapter 2 out, cause right now I'm working on ch. 2 of Apocalyptic Displacement

Honestly, I would be interested in this solely because of Xeno'jiiva. But there are a few things that stand out to me that really make me hesitant to follow this.

For one, I may have missed something, but why does the main character ask the Merchant to send her to Equestria? As far as I could tell, there was absolutely no mention of it before this. Does the main character somehow have omniscience/fourth wall breaking powers?

For another, the "battle" between the newly created Xeno'jiiva and all the Equestrian races. Another reader commented on this already, but it just seems like one big wasted scene with so many characters just for the sake of having them there. Add on to that, the immediate forgiving of the Xeno'jiiva after they find out "her true self" seems way too farfetched. You painted this dragon queen in the light of an avenger, obsessed with avenging her father's death. And yet a little light show and a few tears are enough to make her instantly forgive her father's murderer? That... seems wholly unrealistic, even if you say that she somehow "saw true remorse in her eyes".

I have a lot of problems with this fic. I want to see it do good, considering the source material. However, from what little you posted on chapter one, I feel like whatever direction you take this story in will be one that I just won't agree with or find any enjoyment out of reading.

Interesting.

First off I will say I like the premise, the idea, and the intended direction of the story. I love the spin on the merchant and I think you have a solid foundation for a story. And to those who are confused by the "Take me to Equestria", XENA MENTIONED HOW THEY HAVE READ DISPLACED FICS ON FIMFICTION! there, out of my system.

Now, just a bit of honest feedback and constructive criticism. None of what follows is intended as an attack and is instead to point out what I preseve to be flaws that could be worked on or buffed out, or even edited in a later date. Sucks that I need to do that disclaimer now-a-days.


First off, the big one. The chapter was heavily lacking in pacing. If you had expanded upon the con, the murder, hell even let us get to know you're merchant a bit longer, then have a bit where Xena explores the recess or maybe reflects on the trauma she has gone through and how it effected her, and you have chapter one. Make chapter one end with Xena leaving the recess and losing control. Then in Chapter two, have it go through the long hunt for the monster dragon, starting WITH the death of silver's father, so we can actually care at all about Xena and Silver. End chapter two the same way you ended this chapter, and bam, way better pacing and in my opinion a more gripping story.

Second, I would try and get someone to preread your stories. While yes this ties back into the pacing thing I mentioned, this can also be useful in general to help catch anything confusing, or spelling and grammar errors. This one is not a problem to your story, just some helpful advice.

Third, and this one is just something I think all writers should do, Make us care. Yes Xena lost her mom, but besides that she likes monster hunter and reads fimfiction, we know nothing of her and thus I found it hard for myself to care about someone I just met. Same problem with Silver, so what, her dad died by a monster. I'm sure she wasnt the only one who suffered, what makes her feelings important? You need to let us know the character before we can feel for them. That is why, for all but one of my stories, I give all the major exposition and baseline for the character on chapter one, so that as you follow their story, you can feel for them.

Think of DND. If a character at lvl one dies, it sucks, but it wasnt that emotional because its like "eh, it was just Joe Smith." However, if that character died at lets say, lvl 15, it would be gut wrenching, especially with a good dm, "Joe smith! NOOOOO!" with a lot of crying. Right now, Xena, is like a lvl 2 character, we know some about her to care alittle, but not enough, meanwhile Silver is a character that hasnt even finished her character sheet since we dont know ANYTHING about her.


Now, again, you have an amazing concept. This is coming from a guy who's own MH fan fic hits featured with every new chapter. (Something that really confuses and surprises me) You got something amazing on your hands and I don't want to see it wasted or fall apart.

Love the concept but By SHARA ISHVALDA SLOW THE HELL DOWN MAN YA SKIPED 15 YEARS OF CHARACTER BUILDING!!! WTF HAPPEND!?! EXPOSITION A BIT! Maybe make it so Xena don't lose control IMMEDIATELY but rather has to deal with her Elder Dragon instinct outside of the Elders Resses. Also take some time for Xena to mourn she just lost her mother for Gods sakes! Let her have like a few months of depression, introduce these guardians you talked about. Or when Xena is mourning loss world build Equestria as we know nothing about it.

I mean the Elders Resses has apparently just appeared out of thin air. Show Tia and Lulu and Silver finding out about it, or getting attacked by one of the guardians for getting too close to the Resses. Take some time you have enough POTENTIAL WORLD BUILDING for like Three Chapters in this first par alone, not even counting the 15 YEARS OF APARENT XENA RAGE!

This story doesn't NEED to jump to the main season's of mlp. Honestly that might just make it predictable. Take some time and write out what happens during and after arrival and the war, then plan the IMPACT (WYVERN IGNITION) that will have in the future. Like a fear of angry Xena (literally Xena phobia) or dragons and ponies getting along better. Tie it to how Tia gats Spikes Egg. Do some World BUILDING. Again great concept and not a terrible execution. Just flush it out.

Waiting for the next chapter

10053931
Still working on a few things and I have some story ideas for my Wattpad stories that I need to get out so it may take awhile. I apologise for any inconvenience.

10054007
Hey as long as I get news that its not over and you have a reason for the delay there is no rush.

10054009
Well actually I'm thinking of rewriting this first chapter with some of the same elements but also different ones like I did with one of my Wattpad stories called, Kill La Oblivion. I just have to find the right way to rewrite it.

10054016
.....I think it has enough potential as it is.

10054019
Yeah. I like what it has but I do want to add a few things which I'll keep to myself for now

10054020
Add? well now you've made me Curious.

10054022
Hehehe... You'll just have to wait and see for when I update this chapter. *Cackles maniacally* sorry I just thought of something funny.

10054024
OH I can wait I was just letting you know.

10054016
Could you provide a link please?

I would like to see more of this story it's good

So how much longer do we have to wait until the next chapter is ready, and out? :rainbowhuh: Because I really like it, and I want to read more of it as well.

10149733
I am really sorry for the wait but some stories on other sites I'm on need to be updated too and I don't really have all too much time to work on chapters in my free time but I promise that a new chapter will be out, I just don't know when. I don't have a schedule for these things. I just write when I get inspiration, but I do have a piece of good news! I may have an idea for the next chapter of this, I'll just need to work some things out so I can write that chapter. Once again I apologize for the wait.

10150651 It’s fine at lest you have an idea on what to make the next chapter about I hope for the best for you then, and I look forward to the next chapter.

Thou'st intrigued me. Continue.

Why is it canceled

10331374
I explained it in the description to the story. But I'll also make a blog about it.

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