[All characters are humanized]
Have you ever woken up somewhere you didn't recognized or even know how you got there in the first place?
Would you even believe me if I told you that I'm in a world which is based on a TV show about colorful ponies with magic and or wings, but instead they are human beings based on those same characters from that same show?
I thought that my knowledge of this place would help me out here and maybe help me get back home.
But I was wrong.
Featured on 14/03/2014
Story Cover by Mr.Scribe
Chapters will be posted, updated and re-edited later.
Pre-readers : Katherine Kerensky & Way2dawn: chapter 1 to 3 [All parts].
Way2dawn: Intermission 1 and chapters 4 to 5.
Chapters (11)
Ok 2 things. First, take off that mature rating and make it teen. You're cutting your readership down a lot with that and its not neccery anyway. Secound, get a proof reader because you keep forgetting worts like to,the,is,ect. Also make sure not to forget parts at the end of words, most noticably 'ed'. Do those things and you should get more exposure.
Sorry for the errors in that last comment but I'm typing this from my crummy phone.
Really liked it. I hope you continue on and add a chapter 3 soon
1114558
Perhaps what you need is an editor. amirite?
Love the idea, hate humanized ponies, I can't bring myself to read this but your idea was SO GOOD, i had to leave a compliment. When you get around to wrighting another story, post it and send me a pm so i can give you a propper reveiw.
1138859
what do you mean exactly?
Do you mean another chapter of this story or a completely different story that I might write later?
1138911
I mean a different story. I can't bring myself to read this as I just can't seem to get into humanized forms, but when you wright your next work i'll come back and read that if you send me a link or something, i'm not picky however you want to do that.
Ok... let's begin
You might want to read this document, for starters Ezns Guide for Writing Fanfiction
You might also want to read some good fanfics to gain a feeling about how to write them. Legacies of Friendship
Salvation This one has mature content, but I'll include it anyway.
An Apple Alone
Triple X
On a Cross and Arrow
Ok, I think those are enough. We should always strive to be better.
1149618
While I'm up for striving to be better. What did you think about my story so far? If you don't mind me asking.
1152354
Yes, of course, I apologize for that. I commend your interest into writing, but you need to get a grip on grammar, sentence structure, and various writing aspects, and it would do well to you to read good fanfics as the ones I posted.
I'm saying this to you because I sincerely couldn't get in the flow of your story, as there were too many elements that didn't allow me to do so. I think you can do it nicely, though, with a little effort on your side.
Good chapter, I like the funny scenes with Pinkie. Nice to see a new chapter, hopefully here will be more.
I like the part where pinkie was suffocating him. Also I would like to help but I only have a crappy prepaid phone.
Unless you’re wearing sunglasses, then you can stare at them as much as you like. ROFLMAO thats awesome mate I'll have to remember that one. ya know 10-15 years ago if I heard someone say their name was pinkie pie I would have backed away slowly bit these days I just assume that I'm near hollywood or somesuch place with celebratys who want "unique" names for their kids. poor auto pilot and apple
i liked it. it's interesting
Good chapter, well done. If he were to tell Twi about how her world is a fictional story to him and use examples of their lives and adventures, maybe then she will had some belief in his story.
1820317
Yeah, that was Plan B
reviewing your discription: "Well the whole discription is rubbish. I don't even know what the story is about and only was read a passage from a chapter (In my opinion) frankly I don't see how anyone would want to read this just by the discription alone." (PM me if you want me to help you change)
now I'm going to read the first chapter. I'll be back in a bit.
Pretty good there, friend. I cannot wait until you finish the story.
to be honest I came here because you asked for help or something.
now I'm staying for the entertainment purposes. and fankly you give me a few ideas on my stories as well. Good show.
you've successfully made me like this story.
the characters were ok for the most part. I've seen better characters that stay in character better but where you're going it shouldn't be an issue with time and effort. the only problem I see currently is your shitty discription.
and the fact you didn't say it was humanized. that would have helped...
but congrats on making your story the first humanized story I've ever liked first chapter
your links are a little weird bro...some don't work.
hell I forgot to put that in last chapter D:
your links do some weird things and really don't expose much for us. if you looked in your chapter view you'd be able to see what I'm talking about.
not to say its a bad idea when you don't want to discribe the BIGGEST FUCKING ROOM OF THE YEAR but you know...I can't blame you xD I'd do the same if I knew how to link
but trust me its worth it to just discribe the whole room....
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME THE ONLY ONE WHO TRIES AND FAILS!
ummmmmmmmm....well anime logic that boob scene was kinda cliche.
but whatever still reading.
oh you can remove all the text stuff at the top and add it to the authors note at the bottom of the chapter screen.
also I kind of find it annoying to see that text up at the top of the chapter. it feels liike you're whoring for attention
meh just finished chapter....not sure what to think.
did Twilight give him ears?
1825365
Ears? Are you talking about the grayish blobs?
1826757
yes. not sure what to make of them.
1828078
It was suppose to hint at that he has wings, since Twilight was pointing that out to him earlier, but he didn't believe it. But there will be more about how wings and magic work in that universe in the next chapter.
1149618 Looks at avatar. Pulls out 12-gauge pump shotgun *chick-chick* "Hasta la vista, baby"
Spabble of WRITE here, giving the requested review.
Plot:
Frankly, the premise of your story—"brony is sent to Equestria for an unexplained reason"—is unoriginal. It's been done a million times already, and by itself it's boring. I was hoping that with the humanization would come some interesting human-related plot twist that would counteract the disappointing premise, but that let me down as well.
I assume that the way the main character jumped clean over a five-foot-tall fence in Chapter 1 was by unconsciously using his wings, but why did he, afterwards, not spare even a passing thought of how he could have made the jump? It's not exactly something you see every day, as he made clear before the jump.
Why didn't the tourist center have any town maps? There needs to be a reason.
This is the exact same issue as above. You even pointed it out for yourself; why hadn't he noticed earlier that there were people flying around?
There's no reason for someone to tell him he should use his phone. You can't use phones to locate houses. And if you can, then the reverse issue crops up later: When he's on the roof of a building and the CMC are interrogating him, why wouldn't they just say he could "use his phone"?
Why do they want to show him around, and why does he accept so readily? The CMC don't normally escort newcomers around town, and he just showed that he was in a hurry to get to Twilight's.
Why does she have a room behind a bookcase? She doesn't have any reason for secrecy.
And wings? How did he not notice these earlier?
Characters:
The entire Rainbow Dash scene is OOC (Out Of Character). She would not have given condolences and offered to help him to a bench. She would just quickly apologize and fly away. She would not apologize profusely and blush and act all embarrassed. If you intended for her to act OOC, draw attention to it and make the narrator wonder why she's acting weird, and make sure to explain later in the story why she's being OOC. To make things worse, right now it just feels like Rainbow Dash fell inexplicably in love with the narrator—and a plot centered around "ponies falling inexplicably in love with the main character" is a no-no.
Since when does saying this one specific phrase trigger Pinkie to pop up?
Completely unwarranted fanservice is bad, bad, bad. And please let this not be the prime reason you humanized them.
This just doesn't make sense. There's no reason to believe that magic would have adverse effects on him.
I feel the conversation with Twilight is mostly in character. Her skepticism in the argument was nice. Before the argument, though, the characterization is a bit rocky.
All she did was say his name was unusual. There's no reason for her to get sad.
And there's no reason for Vincent to get all disgusted with himself. All he did was snap at Twilight.
Conclusion:
The main issue in this story is that you're forcing the plot, characters, and scenes to follow the path you want. This is a common pitfall for novice writers. My best advice for combating this is simply to read over your chapters after writing them to make sure that every event occurs for a good reason.
— Spabble, WRITE's Supreme Copy Editor
i.imgur.com/ggjNG.png
1846834
This is mostly a reply to your review, which I'm thankful for by the way.
Firstly, the "brony is sent to Equestria for an unexplained reason" is unoriginal comment.
It was either that or one of these:
-He dies and ends up in the MLP humanized universe.
-Twilight screws up a spell, which brings him there. If you wanted to, you could say that "It wasn't her magics fault, there was a screw up with the translation of this old and dusty spell book with the ingredients"
-Plus I didn't want to use, "Oh either one of the royal sisters or Discord summon me here for some reason"
-or even the classical "Hey, I should stuff around with this magical macguffin just to see what happens, since I have nothing else better to do"
I preferred to used the idea that, he doesn't know how he got to that universe, due to what you can do with the plot as shown in Part two of Chapter three, where Vincent keeps on trying to figure off how he got there when, he is talking to Twilight.
With your comment on the plot:
That is main due to the pacing of the story, it will pick up soon and there is going to be twist as well.
Ok, now the stuff you mainly picked out of the chapters so far, which I have now changed:
- Vincent now thinks on how he jumped over the five foot fence, even having a few ideas on how might have done it, until his train of thought is interrupted by Applejack.
- Why the tourist center didn't have town maps: its stupid but, a large group of tourists took all of the town maps before he got there.
- Why Vincent didn't notice people flying around earlier, because few are [Lets just call them pegasi for now] living in town and that they only come here to either work or visit.
- The whole "Not asking for directions", this has been change to: due to the town being bigger then what he thought and that he can't tell apart who lives in town and who is just visiting.
- Why the CMC show Vincent around town: to get their tourist guide cutie marks and I cut out the part where Vincent is in a hurry.
- The hidden room behind the bookcase, I didn't add, change or remove anything here.
Mostly just think about it, in the show, [If anyone actually use the library and not just the mane six] anyone could go anywhere they please. So I thought that the hidden rooms was a good idea, by having Twilight's study, access to the stairs to her and Spike's rooms and the roof, as well as the stairs to basement and just two spare rooms, hidden behind the bookcases. There is going to be more about it in the next chapter.
- The entire Rainbow Dash scene, yes she was OOC in that scene, I didn't mean for that to happen, so I just cut out everything after she helped Vincent up and change a few things from there, now she gets a call from Applejack and tells her the reason she got held up was because Vincent crushed into her and leaves to go to Applejack's. Read just that bit and given me your opinion?
- The whole Pinkie Pie popping up out the blue idea, has now being changed to:
- Vincent accidentally falling into Pinkie Pie breasts, this was just a joke I thought it was funny, I was watching Robin Hood men in tights at the time when I added this. Also this isn't the prime reason I humanized them.
- The magic cup bit, where Vincent is scared to grab it. How do we know that magic won't affect him, so far in the HiE stories, magic either does one of four things:
A] nothing at all, meaning magic can't do anything against humans
B] have some resistance against magic to the point where it still does something to them but not the full effect.
C] it kills them
or D] full effect, if Twilight was OOC and want to set Vincent on fire, she will set him on fire with no problem.
Thanks for what you said about Twilight being mostly in character during the argument with Vincent and with the two bits you pointed out before that part: with Twilight little bit being sad has being taking out and Vincent part where he felt disgusted with himself has being cut down to:
And that's it, I thought it was a good idea to let you know that because of your review that I fixed up what you said.
What the bloody hell just happen ?
1911672
I don't know, you tell me?
1911682 I dont know mate ... A bit counfusing toward the end ..
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: From My World To Theirs
Grammar score: 5 (Irregular tense of verbs, missing periods, and missing words were among the most common mistakes)
Pros (list three pros)
Majority of characters felt in character.
Story is not too predictable
Vincent/Seeker is a likeable fellow
Cons (list three cons)
Story pace was rather slow
Some characters felt OOC
dialogue felt unnatural at times.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
My thoughts per chapter:
Chapter 1: Alright, we meet the main character, and we learn a bit about him before his adventure starts. That's good, Make me care about Vincent. I also thought I caught a little bit of foreshadowing with the freak accident involving the TV show. However, once Vincent is in Ponyville the dialogue felt off when he met Applejack. First Applejack's catches him trespassing (while he's dressed in all black), Vincent acts weird (for good reasons), stares at Applejack (while actually zoning out) and after that Applejack becomes less suspicious of him for some reason and invites him over for dinner. Sure, maybe Applejack is unfamiliar with stalkers and the like, (it's still a show for kids after all) but I thought it was a classic example of stranger danger. Vincent's encounter with Rainbow Dash was better though. Rainbow Dash felt more like Rainbow Dash. I liked Vincent a little bit more after his thoughts on the wings.
Chapter 2: In this chapter Vincent met the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and like Rainbow Dash, they felt more in character. However, most of the chapter felt like filler. You spent a long time on the tour around Ponyville, and Vincents reasons for not asking for directions or help felt illogical. I kind of wished he got a map instead and went straight to Twilight Sparkle's place.
Chapter 3: Got more of a feel for Vincent with his struggles to knock on the door. Nice to know he's not fearless. The way he finally got inside felt natural. Pinkie Pie was awesome, and the bit with the...um... boobs kind of made sense, assuming Pinkie Pie knows about as much as the ways of men as Applejack. Honestly, chapter 3 had the most natural story flow, and nothing seemed forced.
Chapter 4: This chapter reverted back to the unnatural feeling I had in the first two chapters. Spike conveniently disappeared, and Twilight Sparkle just wasn't herself. After Twilight Sparkle agrees to be alone in a secret room with Vincent, I stopped reading to make sure the story didn't have a sex tag before coming back. I realize she isn't exactly helpless, (because magic) but she literally trapped herself in a room where no one could hear her scream. Then she had the nerve to tell a guy way taller (and bigger) than her that he was a liar. After they left the private study, I was confused by the ending. I thought Vincent's eyes were turning into gray blobs. It wasn't until I read a comment of yours did I realize he had wings.
Here's my advice. First, get a pre-reader/editor for grammar stuff. Missing words and irregular use of verb tense is distracting. Be sure to ask yourself what the cannon characters would say before you write their lines.
I'm going to finish this review with the overall praises. I like Vincent. I like the way his video game riddled mind works. I like how you hinted at future things, with the wing behavior and the bit about the show in the first chapter. Foreshadowing shows that you're not just making it up as you go. Keep that up.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story:You did that already. Now I'm just shamelessly promoting my story because the group rules say I can.This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: From My World To Theirs
Grammar score out of 10: 6, mainly for punctuation, run-on sentences, and confusing sentence structure in a couple of places
Pros:
Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and all the rest of the humanized ponies are in character.
Vincent Pleasure is a well structured character personality-wise and has a unique magical disability
Cons:
Grammar and punctuation are a major disservice to the story so far.
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
The story so far (In the first four chapters at least) is proving to be a little slow and predictable, but I'm confident that will change with time. You already mentioned in your Author's notes multiple times that you and your editors are working on tidying up the grammar of the story, so I wouldn't really pay much attention to my one gripe with your story.
Overall Score: 7/10 with high hopes for improvement!
1981115
It Vincent Pleasant, not Vincent Pleasure, but I'll let it side seeing how his last name doesn't pop up that much.
And thank you for your review.
1981737
I'm sorry for getting your main character's name wrong. I should have been more careful in fact checking before publishing my review.
1982697
Sorry but i got to ask, what do you mean by 'unique magical disability'?
1982767
I've read one or two bits of fiction in my time, and I've seen fictions here on this site that show humans can have a sensitivity to magic. I've never actually seen any story where a human can experience debilitating agony when influenced by magic before. You've definitely given Vincent a disadvantage, which is actually quite refreshing; even though he has some knowledge of the world around him and you've made him a humanized Pegasus, these balance out with his extreme sensitivity to magic.
Ah. Brony in Equestria, is it? Not a really big fan of those to be honest. Although, this looks interesting - considering I haven't seen many "Brony goes to humanized Equestria".
By the way, I didn't notice any "Romance" tag so I assume this won't be one of those BiE where the protagonist has the nefarious intention of romancing one of the mane six just because they are the mane six (if romance is indeed present, will it actually be built?)??
Also, is alicorn Princess Twilight canon in this?(scratched that for now considering it seems very irrelevant now that I've read all the chapters)(sorry for the many questions; but it just shows that you've gained my attention, really)
2093558
Does Vincent come off as a Brony?
The way I see Vincent is that he is just a fan of the show, he watches it, maybe go on a few fan websites like
Equeststria Daily and look at their stuff and that's about it.
With the "Romance" tag, this story did have one when I posted the first two chapters up on here, but after that I finally figured out the story by then and removed it, plus decided that if this story goes well, then there might be another one. [and yes IF there is going to be any romance between the characters, it will be build up]
2094005 I may have judged him too soon. No, he does not come off as one - just a fan, like you said.
I'm still glad he didn't go all "Oh my GERD!!! Applejack and stuff, Ponyville!!! Romance the Mane Six, HOOO!!" though. Brony (or fan of MLP:FiM) in Equestria very often tends to make that mistake. That, and the complete lack of build up to romantic relationships in said stories are another medium.
I'm actually still waiting for a good HiE where the human becomes all vengeful and starts to hate everyone (All American's "Devil's Regret" series aside), eventually leading to a "It's either me or you" scenario.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: From My World to Theirs.
Grammar Score: 6.5/10. I found allot of spelling mistakes in the chapters.
Pros:
-The brony is not acting like a complete fangirl and going insane that he is in Equestria.
-You got the mane six's personalities pretty well done.
-You have made a different setting for this Human in Equestria fic where it is a modern Ponyville instead of the one in the show.
Cons:
-There were many spelling and grammar mistakes and some of the sentences didn't make sense because you used the wrong words.
-I think you got Twilight's personality a little bit wrong because she acted angrier than she would normally be, even in the situation she was in.
-You made AppleJack a little too trust worthy, I thought she would be demanding more answers from Vincent.
Notes:
.
-I like the story, but I think to fix your grammar situation you should find some editors and proofreaders in the group Proofreaders and people willing to Proofread to make sure that you get the personalities of the characters right, and you don't have too many grammar mistakes. Aside from that, I liked the story and thought it an intriguing idea. Though, I couldn't help but think of Vincent from Final Fantasy VII when the guy said his name is Vincent
Enjoy the review I give, and if you want you can check out my story The Dragoon. However, I am currently revising the prologue and first chapter I put up, so if you could hold back for a while before going there that would be prime.
And as a final note, I am willing to be an editor for this if you want, but I may not be able to get the edits back to you for a while because of my own fics and because of school.
Cheers mate!
2122257
If you wish for me to hold off on your review, can you please send me a PM for when you are ready for me to start reviewing it please.
2128169 Of course! And again great fic.
A very unique idea, I liked the first chapter, now to proceed with the next one!
¨
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/3c/Nostalgia_Critic.jpg/250px-Nostalgia_Critic.jpg
I hate alicorn OCs - humanized or no.
EDIT: By the way:
You mean "scared"¨or is it some other definition of "sacred" invovled?
And then somewhere the fire nation is planning something.