I'm 10% hydrogen, 18% carbon, 15% concentrated power of will. 3% nitrogen, 65% oxygen, and a 100% reason to remember the name.
Sure, nopony would ever hire him to be a mercenary, and he’s never actually killed a monster, but that doesn’t matter to a pegasus named Sharp Wing when he recklessly pursues a manticore into the Everfree forest in a pathetic attempt to kill it. Unfortunately, the Everfree forest is a merciless place, and disastrous consequences will follow those who dare enter it. Consequences that can destroy minds.
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Wow, you must have the site record for least views on release
I think it had something to do with posting it on labor day
That and I didn't wait 24 hours before adding the second chapter
This deserves a lot more views, it's freaking awesome
A comment with feedback in it!
It is much appreciated.
Really well done, I enjoyed reading this greatly.
1832280
Thank you for giving an old OC centered story a fair chance! Its nice to know people are still enjoying it.
i'll be keeping an eye on this, but I really need to write the next chapter to my story.
.
And is that Caliban or Excalibur from Fate Stay Night?
1873450
When I saw that you had commented, I was all like, how could he/she have possibly reviewed it so fast? Also, I decided to review your story because its about the same length. (so far)
And the sword pic is just one I found with google images. No idea where it's from, or who made it.
You are going to need to add Random to this story tag... that's my suggestion. It's quite funny and Sharp Wing definitely isn't a Gary Stue, I'll give you the review 2 more chapters in, for now have a like.
Time to write my review:
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Featherblade Legacy
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 7 The grammar is good, but I think it's rather simple
Pros (list three pros)
It lives up to it's comedic nature
Sharp Wing is developed and I find him interesting
Diving into Equestrian history is also interesting
At least you didn't follow some authors and make all of the mane 6 fall in love with Sharp Wing (that's a GREAT THING)
Cons (list three cons)
Very random. I don't know if this is what you're aiming for, but I have no idea how did Sharp wing become a friend of the mane 6
Night Mist and her friend Frazzle something aren't developed enough
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
Alright, I like Sharp Wing as an OC, but you HAVE to tell us how he met Mane 6 if you are going to do it later than ignore what I just said. Again, Night Mist and her friend needs more color or descriptors (I can't exactly remember how your OC's look like and you have no cover art so I need that.). There are also certain place such as this "Sharp Wing braced her fore hooves against Rainbow Dash's and the battle was on. Doubtlessly there had never been a battle like this in Equestria before. Two mares, both of whom possessed what many would call masculine personalities, in the bathroom, engaged in a contest of physical prowess. The two of them gave it their all, neither budging, locked in combat. After several minutes in this stand-off their tempers waned." that need more exposition. I mean... this fight... doesn't sound epic and I get the feeling it is supposed to. You're talking about 2 highly competitive personalities anyway so I'm pretty sure this scene would be epic.
This is my first review, so I'll only do the first three chapters.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Featherblade Legacy
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable):
Grammar is not my strong suit, but I'll still you my score: I'll give you a 7/10.
There are no walls of text [thank god], each of the characters dialog is on its own sperate line which is great and your spelling looks good. The thing I notice that keep on popping up is how you spelled Applejack name, it has no space, I'll let it side if its your word processor fault.
Pros
The humor is descent, I chuckle a few times at the jokes.
Your spin on Equestrian history was ok, something new at lease.
Cons
Twilight was mostly OOC in chapter three, as well as the mayor in chapter one.
Finding it hard to believe that a pegasus can hold a sword with its wing, let alone dual wield.
Last time I checked, the Everfree forest is nowhere near Sweet apple acres and you're kind of pushing it with the manticore getting there unseen.
The pacing of the first chapter.
How did Steel Wing not notice that he was mare before Rainbow Dash told him?
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
Ok where to start?
Firstly your cons, lets do them in order:
1. Twilight wouldn't have laughed at Steel Wing when she finds out it's him as a mare, you should of had Spike do that first, then had him call Twilight to which then, she would of ask what happen, also it seems that you mix up Twilight's and Rainbow Dash lines when they are at Twilight's house.
^ Rainbow Dash should of said that line.
^ and Twilight should of said that one
^ another one of Twilight's
With the mayor its kind of weird that she would turn down a guy who can help defend the town, when town has an attack of some sort every week, the best she could of done is say that she can't afford to pay him, due to the damages the town get, rather then say no and laugh in his face.
2. The dual wielding sword pegasus, still don't know how one can hold anything in their wings, but I will give points for creativity. Maybe you could have done something like mounted wing blades or something instead?
3. This speaks for it self, if you done something like a wolf or something that's not that large, then I can believe that it make the trek from the Everfree forest to the farm.
4. The pacing for the first chapter, personally I believe that this chapter should have been two chapters. Having the first chapter about Steel Wing figuring out what job he's going to do today, maybe a bit of his back story, maybe a run in with Frazzle Spark and Night Mist and then just leave in everything up until he goes off to the barn. Chapter two is the rest of one and the current chapter two put together, but to bridge them just say he got knocked out after his fall.
5. This one speaks for it self, while you did give subtle hints about it, wouldn't he know that he's a mare now due to the lack of balls? If I was changed into a woman when I was sleep, the next morning I would of known about it without someone telling and without a mirror.
Sorry if this review sound a bit harsh, but this is just my own opinion, you don't have to take it if you don't want to.
1891438 Um scribe, you seem to have forgotten to give a recommended story XD Don't you wanna promote sirraH?
1895994
Sorry I'm confused, what do you mean exactly? Can you explain what I'm suppose to do?
1896067 Well, since you've reviewed this author's fic, this author is obliged (under our group rules) to pay you back by reviewing one of your fics or any fic that you recommend. So if you want to ask this author to review your story From My World To Theirs, than you add at the bottom of your review form, Story I want you to read: (insert story)
1896075
my bad, I was going from your review you posted here rather then the example you had on the front page of the group.
To the author
Story I want you to read: From My World To Theirs
1896542 Woah I derped hard there! Sorry!
1896542
Your request has been noted, and will be fulfilled... eventually.
1927081
Thanks for all your feedback so far. It's very informative. Perhaps the dialogue in italics needs a little explanation. See, one of my favorite books is Ender's Game, and in that book you would see two disembodied voices talking every now and then. You could tell from the dialogue that there was two of them, but you did not find out who they were until later in the story. Its a plot device that I was trying to recreate for this story.
1936516
Ha, nice exit. I was nodding throughout your entire review. The chapter by chapter feedback was also very helpful. In fact, I think I might try doing the same when I review other people's stories. Thank you kindly.
*levitates up into the ceiling and flows through it like it's made out of jello*
I have been reading this story for the past hour and I have to say this, I like it. Its hilarious and has a good plot, continue writing.
2123538
Why thank you, and I certainly will continue writing if I can help it.
I thought at the end Sharp Wing was going to tell AppleJack how he felt about her. Ah well, was a great fic, even though it was short.
Da fuq? Fate tempted....Fate DISAGREES! 'He' goes insane at the end of a month!
Such a great story, glad I took the time to read it. Do you have more that follow the OC's in this one?
7587745
I'm glad you enjoyed it. My other stories that include the same OCs are Diseased, Twilight Sparkle is untouchable, The Stars of Nightmare Moon, and "A Storm of Stars" I'm almost a little reluctant to mention these stories because I'm not terribly proud of them, especially the last two, but there you have it.
You can has review!