• Member Since 8th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 26th, 2019

Mysterious Stranger


I'm 10% hydrogen, 18% carbon, 15% concentrated power of will. 3% nitrogen, 65% oxygen, and a 100% reason to remember the name.

T

Sure, nopony would ever hire him to be a mercenary, and he’s never actually killed a monster, but that doesn’t matter to a pegasus named Sharp Wing when he recklessly pursues a manticore into the Everfree forest in a pathetic attempt to kill it. Unfortunately, the Everfree forest is a merciless place, and disastrous consequences will follow those who dare enter it. Consequences that can destroy minds.

Chapters (18)
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Comments ( 44 )

Wow, you must have the site record for least views on release :pinkiehappy:

I think it had something to do with posting it on labor day :derpytongue2: That and I didn't wait 24 hours before adding the second chapter:facehoof:

This deserves a lot more views, it's freaking awesome

A comment with feedback in it!:yay: It is much appreciated.

Really well done, I enjoyed reading this greatly.

1832280
Thank you for giving an old OC centered story a fair chance! Its nice to know people are still enjoying it.

i'll be keeping an eye on this, but I really need to write the next chapter to my story. :pinkiesmile:.




And is that Caliban or Excalibur from Fate Stay Night?

1873450
When I saw that you had commented, I was all like, how could he/she have possibly reviewed it so fast? Also, I decided to review your story because its about the same length. (so far)

And the sword pic is just one I found with google images. No idea where it's from, or who made it.

You are going to need to add Random to this story tag... that's my suggestion. It's quite funny and Sharp Wing definitely isn't a Gary Stue, I'll give you the review 2 more chapters in, for now have a like.

Time to write my review:
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: The Featherblade Legacy
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 7 The grammar is good, but I think it's rather simple
Pros (list three pros)
It lives up to it's comedic nature
Sharp Wing is developed and I find him interesting
Diving into Equestrian history is also interesting
At least you didn't follow some authors and make all of the mane 6 fall in love with Sharp Wing (that's a GREAT THING)
Cons (list three cons)
Very random. I don't know if this is what you're aiming for, but I have no idea how did Sharp wing become a friend of the mane 6
Night Mist and her friend Frazzle something aren't developed enough
Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
Alright, I like Sharp Wing as an OC, but you HAVE to tell us how he met Mane 6 if you are going to do it later than ignore what I just said. Again, Night Mist and her friend needs more color or descriptors (I can't exactly remember how your OC's look like and you have no cover art so I need that.). There are also certain place such as this "Sharp Wing braced her fore hooves against Rainbow Dash's and the battle was on. Doubtlessly there had never been a battle like this in Equestria before. Two mares, both of whom possessed what many would call masculine personalities, in the bathroom, engaged in a contest of physical prowess. The two of them gave it their all, neither budging, locked in combat. After several minutes in this stand-off their tempers waned." that need more exposition. I mean... this fight... doesn't sound epic and I get the feeling it is supposed to. You're talking about 2 highly competitive personalities anyway so I'm pretty sure this scene would be epic.

This is my first review, so I'll only do the first three chapters.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: The Featherblade Legacy

Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable):
Grammar is not my strong suit, but I'll still you my score: I'll give you a 7/10.
There are no walls of text [thank god], each of the characters dialog is on its own sperate line which is great and your spelling looks good. The thing I notice that keep on popping up is how you spelled Applejack name, it has no space, I'll let it side if its your word processor fault.

Pros
The humor is descent, I chuckle a few times at the jokes.
Your spin on Equestrian history was ok, something new at lease.

Cons
Twilight was mostly OOC in chapter three, as well as the mayor in chapter one.
Finding it hard to believe that a pegasus can hold a sword with its wing, let alone dual wield.
Last time I checked, the Everfree forest is nowhere near Sweet apple acres and you're kind of pushing it with the manticore getting there unseen.
The pacing of the first chapter.
How did Steel Wing not notice that he was mare before Rainbow Dash told him?

Notes Section (how you can improve your fic, at the very least an elaboration of Pros and Cons section)
Ok where to start?
Firstly your cons, lets do them in order:
1. Twilight wouldn't have laughed at Steel Wing when she finds out it's him as a mare, you should of had Spike do that first, then had him call Twilight to which then, she would of ask what happen, also it seems that you mix up Twilight's and Rainbow Dash lines when they are at Twilight's house.

"Yeah, I'm a direct descendant of the Featherblades who ruled Equestria," Sharp Wing sighed.
"Seriously? That's so cool!" said Twilight.

^ Rainbow Dash should of said that line.

"Wait, hold up. If you're a direct descendant of the Featherblades that means you would be the ruler of Equestria if Princess Celestia and Princess Luna hadn't been born," Rainbow Dash deduced.

^ and Twilight should of said that one

"Maybe Princess Celestia or Princess Luna would know it?" suggested Rainbow Dash.

^ another one of Twilight's

With the mayor its kind of weird that she would turn down a guy who can help defend the town, when town has an attack of some sort every week, the best she could of done is say that she can't afford to pay him, due to the damages the town get, rather then say no and laugh in his face.

2. The dual wielding sword pegasus, still don't know how one can hold anything in their wings, but I will give points for creativity. Maybe you could have done something like mounted wing blades or something instead?

3. This speaks for it self, if you done something like a wolf or something that's not that large, then I can believe that it make the trek from the Everfree forest to the farm.

4. The pacing for the first chapter, personally I believe that this chapter should have been two chapters. Having the first chapter about Steel Wing figuring out what job he's going to do today, maybe a bit of his back story, maybe a run in with Frazzle Spark and Night Mist and then just leave in everything up until he goes off to the barn. Chapter two is the rest of one and the current chapter two put together, but to bridge them just say he got knocked out after his fall.

5. This one speaks for it self, while you did give subtle hints about it, wouldn't he know that he's a mare now due to the lack of balls? If I was changed into a woman when I was sleep, the next morning I would of known about it without someone telling and without a mirror.

Sorry if this review sound a bit harsh, but this is just my own opinion, you don't have to take it if you don't want to.

1891438 Um scribe, you seem to have forgotten to give a recommended story XD Don't you wanna promote sirraH?

1895994
Sorry I'm confused, what do you mean exactly? Can you explain what I'm suppose to do?

1896067 Well, since you've reviewed this author's fic, this author is obliged (under our group rules) to pay you back by reviewing one of your fics or any fic that you recommend. So if you want to ask this author to review your story From My World To Theirs, than you add at the bottom of your review form, Story I want you to read: (insert story)

1896075
my bad, I was going from your review you posted here rather then the example you had on the front page of the group.

To the author
Story I want you to read: From My World To Theirs

1896542 Woah I derped hard there! Sorry!

1896542
Your request has been noted, and will be fulfilled... eventually.

So far I'm enjoying the main character, but I lack enough information to say anything else. So let's go get it!:rainbowdetermined2:

Ok, this chapter really needs some pruning. Most of it is just pointless filler covering what the audience already knows. We're not going to forget the previous chapter so quickly. Also having Sharp be such a celebrity after what you just explained about him last chapter seems a little out of character to me.

Hmm, a gender bending story is this?

While I am liking the story so far I do have a few little nit picks here and there. The major one is why would the ponies go insane from their genders being flipped? Sure, being flooded by unthinkable levels of estrogen (gb males) or testosterone (gb females) would make them think different thoughts but surely it wouldn't drive them to insanity. That is unless only a few victims in the past had this happen to them and then the spell was tabooed.

As a fan of Gender Bending stories I liked this chapter. Sure the format could use some fixing, primarily in the form of descriptions while ponies are talking, but the dialog was pretty good and almost funny.

Oh what a calamity!

I love the randomness that's happening in this chapter, and I think the individual problems that Sharp and his friends have are pretty clever. However, I do wish you would have given us a little more time to learn bout his friends before this. As is we barely know their personalities and aas such don't really relate to them very well.

Remember what I said about needing more descriptions when you write dialog? Well this chapter is a prime example of how confusing a story is without it. The ending was such a mess of dialog without clarification of who's talking that I actually got a little head ache while reading it. On the more positive side, however, I liked the banter between Sharp and Rainbow.

Now this chapter was a vast improvement over all those previous to it. The writing style - at least to me - was much more engaging than before and wasn't as confusing. I hope the rest of the story is like this.

See, there you go again with having some really good dialog from the characters but no descriptions about who's saying what. Seriously, this story would get so many extra points if you added a little clarification.

1927081
Thanks for all your feedback so far. It's very informative. Perhaps the dialogue in italics needs a little explanation. See, one of my favorite books is Ender's Game, and in that book you would see two disembodied voices talking every now and then. You could tell from the dialogue that there was two of them, but you did not find out who they were until later in the story. Its a plot device that I was trying to recreate for this story.

Oh, what's this? Internal conflict from our main character about his predicament? Wonderful!

Aside from the ending (for reasons already stated) This chapter was really good.

If Twilight forgot to pack the first aid kit then I will facepalm so hard...:ajsleepy:

God damn is that tragic; so close and yet so far,, it makes for great internal conflict. Especially in a GB story...

And I love every minute of it!:pinkiehappy:

You know, I totally agree with Sharp in this decision. Who are they to decide what is right and what is wrong, and then to force their ways onto another through blackmail? I also see how Sharp is at fault, failing to see the big picture and acting rash and without thought.

All part of the lovely internal conflict I love to see in a GB story. But really, that whole going insane thing is still bugging me a little.

The conflict is really beginning to heat up now. I especially liked the ghost bit at the end - the best of their sections so far. At least now it was a little easier to read who was talking, and I enjoyed seeing them show slight remorse for their actions.

Huh, who would have thought that Sharp Wings was such a diplomat? I honestly didn't see it coming.

The only problems I saw in this chapter were a few spelling mistakes here and there, mainly in the beginning.

Fluttershy of Night

This should be 'or Night.'

Her swords will still there

This should be 'her swords were still there.'

This action is pretty well written, and I do enjoy Sharp's plan. On the other hand, however, I despise it and him for being so selfish. Though I have a few theories about how it'll end.

Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, and actually I wish it hadn't happened. I mean, I understand that it was all part of the plan and as such reversal was natural, but I can't help but wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been fixed.:ajsleepy:

Alright, I'm not going to give as in depth a review as these guys did - the reason for this is because I commented in every chapter and they did not. This means you can collect the fragmented pieces of my opinion if you really wanted. I will, however, give an overall review.

Overall, this story is highly underrated. The character development is really well done, the story is engaging, the dialog was both funny and well written, and I especially loved how you were able to work in the gender bending element in a surprisingly well way. I have seen it used to teach others a lesson, but I don't think so in this manner before. So for that I say well done.

Sharp Wings and his friends - as I already said - were really fleshed out by the end. I thought their individual personalities each played off each other well and did a good job at explaining why they were friends. This said, however, I wish that Frazzle and Night had gotten more development at the beginning of the story.

This brings me into what I didn't like about the story, namely the beginning. I'm glad to see you got so much better at writing by the end, but man do those beginning chapters weight you down something fierce. We had out of character moments from Twilight Sparkle, logic errors from Sharp failing to see her transformation, and all around poor descriptions of characters.

But as I have stated many times before, the number one problem in this fic is the lack of description when a group of characters is talking. Again, by the end this was fixed but the middle and beginning are a pain to try and read. I think when you first introduced the ghosts was the best example; these are characters we have never seen before and will not be fully introduced until later in the book. You didn't have to give us a lot of description, but just enough to let us know what is going on and what these new characters are. Instead you give us only dialog. OK, so we know they're talking, but who are they? Where are they? Why are they watching Sharp? I know all of this was explained, but it wasn't until the end of the story, which is probably why so few people look at this fic.

So overall, I'm glad I saw this story but I do see why it is so under viewed. Solid 7/10 from me.

So that's my opinion, take it or leave it and I'll see you all whenever.:raritywink:

*backs up into a wall and vanishes*

1936516
Ha, nice exit. I was nodding throughout your entire review. The chapter by chapter feedback was also very helpful. In fact, I think I might try doing the same when I review other people's stories. Thank you kindly.

*levitates up into the ceiling and flows through it like it's made out of jello*

I have been reading this story for the past hour and I have to say this, I like it. Its hilarious and has a good plot, continue writing. :twilightsmile:

2123538
Why thank you, and I certainly will continue writing if I can help it.

I thought at the end Sharp Wing was going to tell AppleJack how he felt about her. Ah well, was a great fic, even though it was short.

Da fuq? Fate tempted....Fate DISAGREES! 'He' goes insane at the end of a month!

Such a great story, glad I took the time to read it. Do you have more that follow the OC's in this one?

7587745

I'm glad you enjoyed it. My other stories that include the same OCs are Diseased, Twilight Sparkle is untouchable, The Stars of Nightmare Moon, and "A Storm of Stars" I'm almost a little reluctant to mention these stories because I'm not terribly proud of them, especially the last two, but there you have it.

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