• Member Since 25th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

Dan The Man


"An author is someone who is not quite smart enough to quit writing." - Günther Grass

T

It is the year 2012. When military pilots discover a previously
uncharted Bermuda triangle-like area in southern Oceania, a cordon around
the area is established.
Soon it is noticed, that inside the cordon, there is a large, isolated and
utterly undiscovered land mass. And it is inhabited, too.
The UN, upon realising that the inhibitants' civilisation seems to be
highly advanced and organised, decides to send a diplomatic mission to
make a proper first contact, and to achieve a peaceful cooperation with
the rest of the world. Had they only prepared both sides properly, they
may have not have had the risk of a full scale war...

This Fanfic will be posted in form of two... no, four scenes per week.
It is, as it heavily relies on dialogue, kept in form of a piece of theatre, (with music cues and all). Please don't judge too harshly, it is my very first piece of Fanfiction, as well as a Pilot (as I will most probably post sequels to this to flesh out side characters). Please leave lots of feedback in your comments on what I can possibly improve. You'd all be really helpful.

Enjoy.

Chapters (20)
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Comments ( 108 )

For some reason, this feels a lot like as if i'm reading Jurassic Park or something.
Although here with less dinosaurs eating people and with a few more rainbows. :applejackunsure:

Oh, And just what hater voted half a single star for this fine story? *clicks 5 stars*

I'm looking forward to seeing the next part. :yay:

this is the most entertaining fan fic yet. if equestria were real then this is how it would play out. good work. cant wait for the next one

An interesting fic to read. The applejack accent could use some work but still pretty good.

looks good. real life style :pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp:

I agree on Applejack's accent. I probably wouldn't go so phonetic with it. I usually leave off the g's and such on -ing suffixes, lengthen e's such as in 'The' into a's, and throw in a good amount of southern slang.
Out of curiousity, why did you pick Octavia of all ponies to be the first pony for the group to meet? I mean, why would Octavia be out in what's essentially the middle of nowhere? Also, I wouldn't mind if the humans reacted with a bit of amusement at someone like Twilight's name.
All in all, an interesting story. Look forward to reading more.

I am quite astounded, I don't want to kill myself with this script-style writing, usually it's written so confusedly or poorly that it's terrible, but you have a way with it, definitely tracked and 5 starred

87885 Well, here's the thing; Octavia may as well be the least considered character on the show, which is already a shame in its own right. In my eyes, she is a character holding quite some exploitable potential.

Now, there wasn't any deeper reason for Octavia's characterisation than the one that I wanted to see her more on the show.

Apart from that...

Yes, my Applejack aksent certainly needs some improvement.but thanks for the tips, they're really helpful. :twilightsmile:

88416
No problem. I live in Texas, so Applejack's drawl is second nature to me. in my head, Applejack talks like so:

"If ya'll think for one apple-pickin' minute that yer just gonna walk 'round here wit' yer fancy flyin' contraption, ya'll got another thing comin', ya hear?"
Try finding some episodes of Hee Haw on Youtube if you want more.

88699 Yeah, I guess that's the thing.

I'm from the south, too. :pinkiehappy:

Well...

From the south of Germany, that is. :facehoof:

This has potential. I look forward to how this will go! :pinkiehappy:

I have but one thing to say to this,
*takes deep breath*
:yay:'yay'

As much as I'd like to read it, the script format killed my interest pretty much instantly.

If you wrote in a non-script format I'd read it but as it stands, sorry dude, got to give you a low rating for lack of effort.

92772

Shame, really.

But with all due respect, that I chose to make a script instead of a conventional story has got nothing to do with lack of effort. :trixieshiftleft:
I simply tried to focus more on dialogue than action. That's all. I was actively trying to shift the focus in such a way. I myself am a laymen actor, so I know that scripts can be very helpful to help one reproduce the portrayed situation.

You can't simply give me a low rating and justify it by saying that I put no effort into it, just because I consciously chose a different format to write it in.

92813

And now I see the issue.

By approaching this as an Actor you forgot the most important factor in this issue. Scripts are designed to be translated into a visual medium, like plays or movies. Due to this stories nature it will never be a play or movie, it will only ever exist in a literary medium. This requires a completely different approach, a different format, in how the portrayal needs to be excecuted.

More over, as an actor you should keep in mind your audience, in this case they are predominantly non-actors who generally don't know how to read a script or generally dislike scripts due to the fact they either portray a lack of effort on the part of the author or are simply terribly written. In my personal case I find they jarringly disrupt the story's flow to the point they're nearly unreadable. I completely understand the need for scripts for visual media, but again in this case it is a misuse of the format.

this getting good

That's weird, it says it's complete, it can't be complete...right?

92865
If you think about it a script like story can help people familiar with the writing style to transform it into an image in their heads, I for example had several scripts forced down my throat at school and I can visualize what is going on in this story quite easily thanks to that. The main reason that I cannot write at all is that I cannot do interaction between characters for apples. I will give 4.5 stars for effort here. Very well done, the interactions between all the characters are quite convincing, I am wondering how the humans can land on clouds though, canonically that is a solely Pegasus ability as shown in the episode Sonic Rainboom, Twilight had to confer the ability to walk on clouds through magic and I do not think that there are too any mages on the UN payroll, and if there were it probably would not have been a high priority.

Another thing is that Applejack seems a little overhostile here, assuredly it can be explained away by the stories she has heard but the humans she has seen in person have so far offered no harm to her or her companions. Something you might want to think about.

94154 No, it's not. But I have written it all already. I'm just posting it chronologically now.

94359 Both Kinsman and Mallard ("Locon") landed on buildings in Cloudsale. And, judging from what I have seen on the show, the buildings do not seem to be made from clouds, but are merely built on them (and probably get held by them the same way Pegasi do - magic!).

And the third pilot, Eyre ("Jane"), actually sinks right through Cloudsdale because he cannot find himself a building or something to hold on to.

So don't worry, I considered that aspect, as you will see soon in the next few issues.:twilightsmile:

94359 P.S.

I will also explain later why Applejack is so suspicious of the humans.

Good stuff. Keep it up

quite good, I will say again that while I usually can't stand just reading script styled writing, how you've done it is wonderful and doesn't detract from the story whatsoever.

awesome i need more stuff

Thank you everypony, I appreciate it!
:pinkiehappy::raritystarry::rainbowlaugh::yay:

Don't wanna be rude, but this story doesn't feel complete, and its tagged complete.

107265 This is because it isn't completely posted on yet, but I did write it all.

Writing stories in script format just doesn't work. It's called a script for a reason. Because it's designed to be turned into film. Not read as a story / book. Also, your excessive use of bold font makes this hard on the eyes to read.

Your attempt at Applejack's accent makes her sound more like an inner city gangster than a southerner. You've butchered the dialogue so bad when it comes to her that it is downright painful to read.

107946 Once again, shame that you didn't like the script style. I think it really depends on whom you ask. There have already been some people praising this story's format.

And concerning Applejack's dialect... :ajbemused: Yeah I think I overdid it more or less. :ajsleepy:
Of course, I will tone it down once I start the next fic (and its in the works already).

I hope the diplomats get out ok, and if not, then the equestrians get crushed ingot the dust like the little worms they are.

I think it's time Equestria gets a big steaming plate of bombs and democracy. Tonight on Fox News "Celestia is hiding WMD"

lol this is getting good

Oh goody, here comes applejack the retard, here to make things worse.

Shit has hit the fan. :derpyderp1:

I hope things can be fixed and peaceful negotiations can resume.

If not, well, killing diplomats is a pretty good way to declare war. And simultaneously declaring war on three allied nations is a bad idea. :flutterrage:

And if Celestia is trying to exterminate Humanity... Yeah, nuclear option and every nation :twilightangry2: :flutterrage: at you? Not good chances.

----------

Seriously though, this better not turn into a full on "Humans Are Bastards" screed.

On a side note, too much bolding makes it hard to read.

Oh, and by the way: I wrote this part well before the release of "Family Appreciation Day".
So all I have to say about the Apple Family's origins... :derpytongue2::applejackconfused::pinkiecrazy::derpyderp2:
What a koinkidink!

Hopefully Luna and Twilight will stand up for the diplomats, and said diplomats cab call off the soldiers...

Alright, it's almost time for us humans to do what we do best, kick ASS!!

this is just to good i cant wait for the next bit. my only request is that equestria and the world get along or something

Pretty good story but I wanna see agreement and peace
Make love not war

Oh boy this will not end well at all considering Celestia is royally pissed off and when she gets to the castle the delegates may not stand a chance with her unwilling to listen and that one soldier running around and hurting her subjects.

Shit's hit the fan.

Godamm Saxton Hale wannabes and their iron birds.

cliffhanger why?[img][3:54:54 PM] minolechaoui: États-Unis[/img]

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