• Member Since 19th Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen July 20th

fmriver


E

As the smoke clears away from the crater created by the Rainbow blast at the end of the Fall Formal battle, Twilight Sparkle was unpleasantly surprised by what she saw...

What if the rainbow blast reverted Sunset in age instead of just removing her demon looks? That combined with her lost memories, has given Celestia a second chance in raising her sunshine the way she deserved to be. As more than just a student.

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I'm a really new fanfic writer, and if anyone feels like they want to borrow the concept, collaborate or do something with this feel free, just let me know so I can read whatever you make of it too!

Update - Now being edited by Emtu!

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 169 )

I like where the story is. Can’t wait to see what Sunset’s new life will be.

Hehe, I ended up writing something similar at one point. It's nice to see it executed in such a manner though. It's different. Nicely done my friend!

Oh my gosh, thanks for the positive feedback! This is the first thing I've published, and getting your comments has made my week! I'm going to go ahead and keep on writing. Hopefully it will continue to please :)

I love this story and I can’t wait to see what happens next, also I must correct you in that Sunset did not get off easy with the rainbow beam. Out of all the villains it was used against to date, Sunset is the only one to actually be hurt by them, likewise that her transformation into a demon caused her great pain. And in the comic the fall of Sunset Shimmer, Sunset appeared to be a full grown mare.

Anyway keep up the great work.

Getting some serious Momlestia vibes here.

"wow, th-that was a doozy of a trip. At least I look normal again! Miss Twilight, are we-" Sunset stopped as she looked up from studying her hooves, realizing the room in front of her was filled with strangers just staring at her. Though she only had a second to take it in, as she was suddenly yanked up in the air and engulfed in a sea of wight feathers.

Most of the time I don't care about these little things but this throws such a hit to the sentence it threw even me off.

Good story. Fave and follow

Interesting story; I'm looking forward to seeing where a young Sunset will take things through Season Four!

Watch for typos, though - I noticed a "Lina" and a "dsplaying," as well as a "Pinkie pie."

A good start. Some minor spelling and grammar typos, but nothing too serious. Liked and tracking.

Certainly off to an interesting start.

We'll see where it goes.

I actually wanted Twilight to act as a mother to Sunset, but whatever, this one is good too.

This should be an interesting AU looking forward how kid Sunset interacts with everyone

This looks interesting. Can't wait for more chapters.

8784956
I don't think Twilight being a mother figure to Sunset would work in this scenario since Sunset already has a relationship with Princess Celestia. I see Twilight being more as an aunt in this story.

I think the author is also trying to go for a redemption arc for Celestia. If Celestia felt she failed Sunset the first time, she would jump at this opportunity to make it right.

That's just what I'm reading so far.

8784956
She'll just be Sunset B.S.B.F.F
Big Sister Best Friend Forever:twilightsmile:

As Rainbow Dash would say, This Story is 20% more AWESOME!

:rainbowdetermined2: "Hey don't go stealing my lines!"

Dash don't break the fourth wall, that's Pinkie's shtick!

:pinkiecrazy: "Hey's right Dashie, don't go stealing MY shtick!"

Alright you caught my attention let's see where this goes

a Good start, please keep it going. :twilightsmile:

Could use some editing for punctuation and etc. but I like the concept. (If you'd like an editor, I'm offering. There's a bookshelf on my profile of things I've edited.)

Comment posted by Emtu deleted Mar 9th, 2018

Definitely needs an editor, but I do like the concept. I'd also volunteer to help give it a run through, as the story itself is quite interesting, though I find the little errors a bit of a hindrance while reading currently.

What they are doing is not a good idea. By hiding the truth from Sunset, it's only going to come back and bite them later on.

8785949
They might tell her when she is calm, but you try telling an already scared 5-7 year old that they did something like what Sunset did. They would be lucky if she had a Twilight style meltdown about banishment and Magic Kindergarten.

8785949
8786089

That is if she even understands.

Yeah, it will bite the ass when she finds out. But, what can you really do with someone who has almost been wiped clean? That's like telling someone they're the reincarnation of someone, but that they'll have no memory of their previous life.

Hmm, seems like you're trying to tell more than just a CUTE story, but rather an actual developed and nuanced story, from the starting point of a "fetish trope". I approve!

I'll comment more after I catch up. Hopefully you're open to suggestions. I would not be trying to influence the way you want to tell your story, ofc. Just going to be sharing what I have gleaned from between the lines of the canon, regarding Sunset's origins and her relationship with Celestia.

"Tia, calm yourself. Twilight will come back, have faith. She has never failed us, and I do not foresee this occasion ending any differently" Luna gently crooned to her sister.

Oh thank god, someone else who doesn't call her "Celly". I've never understood that shorthand name choice for Celestia: It's confusing to pronounce, nonsensical to the ear, and doesn't convey the elegance of the owner. Am I supposed to say "Sally"? "Selly?" "Chelly"? "Chilli?" 🤷

8784477
Ok, my extrapolations of canon.

  • Contrary to what many think, Celestia doesn't have a long list of past dead students. Despite having lived over a millennia, she has never had any students except 2.
  • After all, now that Twilight has graduated, you don't see Celestia promptly finding and nurturing another personal student, do you? No, she's done.
  • The only reason she suddenly decided to get students, 1 after the other, was out of a very pragmatic concern: She needed a Bearer of Magic to counter the imminent revival of Nightmare Moon.
  • Sunset was her 1st choice, and you can tell she was selected with intentional good timing. She would be a mature mare in her prime, maybe a Princess, at the stage that Twilight is now at the end of season 7, when NMM returned. Why would Celestia want an immature newly-graduated apprentice to take on NMM, gathering her band of Bearers at the last possible second while on the trek to NMM's evil lair? That makes absolutely no sense.
  • The reason Twilight is so immature, with no fellow Bearers, scraping by with a victory by the skin of her teeth... is because she is the emergency substitute to Sunset.
  • Another hint that Celestia is not an old hoof at teaching personal students, is how she behaved when sending Twilight off to Ponyville. Someone who has taught dozens of students previously, would not be having separation anxiety as if she's doing this for the 1st time.
  • That leads to another hint on how/ why she messed up with Sunset. Sunset is her first, and she got too close. Her emotions clouded her judgement, and Celestia acted irrationally. Does it seem in-character for Celestia, of all ponies, to banish a pony because she committed a forgivable crime and yelled back at her? Even Starlight didn't get that treatment. A normal Celestia would never lash out that way. Celestia only did that because Sunset managed to wound her to the heart, and because of the stress Celestia was under regarding her extreme expectations and hopes for Sunset against NMM. We can see her underlying regret about all that, in EQG1. Does her behavior in EQG1 square up with that of a Celestia coldly banishing Sunset, in the comics?
  • We can also see her massively revising her ways for Twilight. Despite Twilight's adoration of her, Celestia keeps her Faithful Student at a Goldilocks zone: Not too cold, but not too hot. This can be seen all the way through the 1st 3 seasons. She doesn't give Twilight a chance to become spoiled, and she doesn't give herself a chance to spoil Twilight. Choosing someone who already has a close-knit family is another bulwark against that temptation to indulge in selfish love. That's how Celestia saw it... but it did lead to some of Twilight insecurities, as Twilight continually tried to live up to what she thinks are her princess' expectations.
  • It's not how Celestia would actually act, if she was allowed to. In private, she frets about her Twilight like a mother hen. But she never shows it in front of Twilight. Based on her warm-but-controlled reaction to Sunset in Forgotten Friendship, we can see that extends to Sunset as well, now. Everything Celestia seems to want to release in EQG1, she doesn't mention at all when Sunset is finally there in person.

All Sunset needs is a second chance. This is it.

8786089
They are going to have to do it soon anyway. The fact she has missed 15+ years is going to be hard to hide. As well as explaineing why there are 4 new alicorns. And why everypony she knows is either older or gone.

8785528

There is a certain fridge horror in the fact the Elements erased most of Sunset's memories and adult personality traits. One could even say they "killed" Sunset (Death of Personality as in Babylon 5).

Looks promising so far. But please, cut down on the darlings and dears. Rarity does not use them in every sentence. Aside from that, nice work

Alright, this is Looking good!

I’m lookkng forward to updates.

8787038
Thanks for the feedback! Writing character dialog that sounds like them is definitely a weak point. I'm of doing this haphazardly, without any proofreader, so I'm sure it's a bit rough around the edges. I'm hoping after the story picks up a bit I'll get someone willing to help on that, but I wanted to just force myself to actually publish something for once, otherwise I never would.

The feedback I've gotten in just the days this has been public has already been so much better than I thought I'd ever get though! Some folks have already

8786376
Thanks so much! That is my lofty goal, but let's see how close I get to accomplishing that :) And to be honest, while I have some broad strokes on how I believe this story should go, I'm not one to outline a whole story before writing the scenes.

8785583
I will reach out to you via PM, really appreciate your offer to a newbie like me!

8784673
I agree on how the effects of the rainbow blast are different from other instances as you mentioned. On the age thing, well in the comic they also make Moondancer, Lemon hearts, twinkle shine all the same age of Sunset, while Twilight is in the background clearly much much younger while in the cartoon series these same mares are classmates of Twilight, so ages aren't super consistent. Besides I wouldn't call sunset grown up, more like a teen since she has just passed one of her practical exams for the year.

The age inconsistency thing is sort of why I had the Magic blast revert her beyond the age she went through the portal. My personal head cannon at this point has ponies go through puberty like Saiyans (ie- suddenly go from looking like a kid to a grown up in 3 months instead of a steady progression like humans) to explain the comic. Even with that explanation, it's difficult to swallow that she was gone for just 2.5-3 years, since it's been more than that for Twilight to be Celestia's student, not to mention the period of the MLP show itself. However if she was gone 5-6, that means she was kicked out and fled through the mirror like at 12! And don't get me started if we throw in that time may go faster / slower in either side.

Eh...bit short, but does help us get into the sisters' minds and set up some nice conflict for later.

Quick word of advice: If you're not happy with something, don't release it. Take your time to write stuff out and get it to a place where you want it. Never feel compelled or pressured to post anything.

Also, props to you for rewriting this after losing your first draft. I hate having to do anything twice.

Is there any evidence the transformation isn't permanent?

8787421
Thanks! I have been pushing myself a bit, since before I've always written and erased everything, and ended up never posting anything. I'm purposefully getting way way out of my comfort zone, but I'll make sure I don't overdo it in the other direction.

As for the length of the chapter, you're right, it could have been a bit longer, I'd just burnt myself with having to rewrite it, since it's a scene that needed to happen, but I could have written more. I did play with having Luna look into Sunset's dreams, but this has been pushed back for reasons

8787423
No evidence whatsoever either way at this point. It's actually this uncertainty that is going to make writing Celestia and others around Sunset so interesting!

This becomes a bit of an ethical question right? Should you presume that they will return, or that they won't? Because the attitude towards Sunset depends on each characters beliefs on this. What's more, do you try to fix them or leave them as is? If you consider that a person is the sum of their experiences and memories, effectively you would be allowing the person Sunset had grown up to be, as imperfect as she was, die... and Equestria doesn't have the death penalty. Or you can see it as a second chance right?

With Sunset also losing the greater amount of her time with Celestia, it makes it more difficult for the princess to ignore. There are years' worth of experiences she had with Sunset growing up before she ran off, that Sunset no longer remembers. She didn't really get her sunset back in a way. This will lead to some frustration down the line :)

8787431

I've always written and erased everything, and ended up never posting anything.

I kinda see what you mean. I'm a perfectionist, myself, and quite a lot goes into my stuff before I post. Part of my problem is I often don't have the time I want to write.

Couple that with my practice to write a story out in its entirety before I upload anything, and I end up with very little posted content.

I think the stilted tone works given that Luna is trying to get a better read on Celestia and Celestia is obviously being defensive. Looking forward to more.

I recognize a need to get a chapter up by a certain deadline. However, realize that those deadlines, as this is not your job and you are not getting paid for this, are made by you. Half the problems with this chapter could be solved with just a simple run through and a correction of grammar and syntax. The conversations where actually the best part of this, and if it weren't for the placement of said grammar errors, this chapter would have been very well written. So in short take your time and reread at least once before you post, We will all wait for a good story that we care about, This is a good story and it has been very well written, I honestly like this alternate plot quite a bit. As someone who lost their mother I can empathize with both Sunset and Celestia. Sunset for wanting to get back to someone she always saw as her mother and Celestia for wanting to use this second chance to correct her previous mistakes. This conversation was required to keep your reader's suspension of belief going, and using it to give us a little exposition is showing and not telling. As long as it is not overused, then it becomes the opposite, So the problems you are seeing can be fixed and in time you can fix them and adjust them, Such things just take time. But I would advise taking the time constraint off yourself. It is both artificial and unnecessary. We all care about this story and want it to be the best that you can make it, if that means waiting for a bit to get it right, either because of technical difficulties or other reasons, fine. My final piece of unasked for advice, that I will give anyway as I am kind of a jerk, is to wait to edit until you have typed a complete chapter. Too often we as writers fall into the trap of "write 2 sentences, delete 3." My girlfriend happens to call me on it frequently. So I hope you read this in the intention that it was written. To be critical, and if I am honest a bit harsh, but to ultimately be helpful.

Can tell this chapter was written in a rush. The pacing of the dialogue is off. Agree with others that you should take your time to polish.

One way to have Sunset stay with Twilight is for Celestia to explain that as a fellow student of hers Twilight is sort of like a sister to Sunset and she wants the two of them to spend some time getting to know one another.

One way to deal with whether or not to fix Sunset one way to handle it is to figure out a way to reverse what happened to her and then let a well informed Sunset make the decision of what she wants for herself.

She had taught many students throughout her long life, but Sunset was the first and only one she took on to raise.

Hmmm, interesting choice of wording

I think you should define how many years passed, but good story with plenty potential nonetheless.

Looking interesting. Would help if you took time to proofread, there are quite a few grammatical typos that detract from the reading experience. If nothing else, copy and paste into Word and use the Spelling and Grammar tool.

but it still feels like I'm failing a bit in the whole "show don't tell" for this chapter.

No, Twas a dialogue chapter, and you did good on that front.

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