My true alias is Dreagonight, the Dreaded Dragon Knight, but my friends just calls me dreago, the reckless Mystic Dragon-Knight
Sunset Shimmer gets a surprise visit from Twilight Sparkle, but Twilight gives her a even more surprising news, she has a chance to study under a Princess again.......but its not Princess Celestia.
Read the sequel to this story called A Chance at Self Forgiveness.
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She has a chance*
Gotta proof check that description! Tis important.
5555403 oops thought I had that cleared
It's pretty great, for your second story. I instantly think of Luna wanting her as a student, because of the fact they both were evil at one point, and so Luna won't feel alone about her having the only past similar to that.
5555887 tThanks, though I figure Luna can help Sunset deal with her past and more then one way
5555940 makes sense. Both have ALOT in common
Interesting story. Please capitalize names and other proper nouns.
5566090 They should have been capitalize though Gdoc was acting funny when I imported it over
I would say she is severely disappointed. Look at her first question when Twilight returned at the end of the first movie she was more concerned about Sunset then anything else. I bet this whole idea came from Celestia more then Luna.
5566317 Maybe, but I did notice that at the end of the movie but I was always wondering why Celestia refer to Twilight as her most faithful student, then after seeing Sunset must have gave her a change of heart. IDK I over think sometimes.
Considering what Luna and Discord have done. I think she be eager to see Sunset again, especially since she's already proven to on the right path again
5566574 I'm sorry I should have word my question better, but she is as i stated in the beginning that Celestia wanted to see her again. I meant asked do you think she had a scorn towards Sunset before the EQ event happen.
5566650 if anything she blamed herself. Remember she hoped that Sunset would return before EG1.
5566672 That is true.
faithful student, not fateful student
I'd think Celestia would be more disappointed then scornful. Probably even more disappointed in herself than Sunset to a certain degree.
Interesting story so far. Looking forward to more.
I was internally dying at the smartphone part. I would have been rofl-ing but it is late right now for me. When i imagine Celestia saying "smartphone?" i think of that panel from The Fall of Sunset Shimmer comic where she is with Sunset at the mirror telling her to say what she sees "with a little humility".
5593279 Really? I never read the comic, I might give it a go
How did Sunset take those pictures during the battle. She was singing at the end.
5595805 Yeah, but if I remember correctly some people in the audience was taking photo and by people I mean featherweight at most, so I figure Sunset would get the pictures from him or anyone who had them ( I should have mention that, yet again another flaw on my part)
5595887 You should and that would sovle the minor problem. Oh and Sunset should have tried forming a hand with her magic for the touch screen.
5596989 Yeah I should, but im still learning. Also forming the hand with magic I never even thought of that I will keep that in mind
5597400 glad to have helped.
Luna is spelled incorrectly here.
5599104 Ok I'll fix that
5593304
You should, it is really good. It is also cannon, which really probably only matters to me because my subconscious is always making me write strictly cannon. Also, if you want to read the comic, just search my little pony IDW 2013 annual full comic, and you should be able to read it without buying it via YouTube video :)
5605211 Thanks I will
Awesome, love when an author updates a story with sequal info. Looking forward to it!
5556382
Their situations could be similes!
I have also been enjoying this story. Please keep it going!
5597400
5596989
Actually that probably would not have worked. Smartphone Touchscreens work by measuring the finger disrupting the display's electrostatic field. So unless a telekinetic field is also conductive to electricity (which would immediately short circuit and destroy the whole smartphone, when it is lifted with magic), using a magic finger does not affect the screen.
5618338 I think it's doable but another option is Tk a stick
5618360
5618338
Let say that that sunset have a pen that work on her phone if I have to will go in and change it to that. Would that help?
5618391 Here's what i think. it stays as is but the next time she tries to use it and get frustrated she'll remember the pen.
She learns how to do magic from watching a guy do fake magic!
THIS NEEDS A SEQUEL!
5619873 It will I just haven't fully thought of the plot yet. This is part 1 of 3 I hope
5619906 GREAT!
Do you need help?
5620244 naw my only problem is dialogue plus I've been focus on my new story hopefully it be out soon once it proofread
5620252 Really? I thought description was the hardest part.
5620292 for me it always dialogue only cause my brain keep trying to add more or less then I fizzle out
5620299 ...
I feel you man.
Not a bad story, and I like the idea of Luna taking on Sunset as a student. I'm also glad I'm not the only writer to notice the similarities between the two.
That said, I think you could use a proofreader.
I had to give this story a dislike. Given that I dislike lack of feedback on my own writing, however, I felt it'd be hypocritical of me to do so without leaving a comment. The least I can do is let you know where you lost me as a reader on this story, so here we go:
I only got about 2/3 through the first chapter before giving up, so I can't give feedback on anything past that. Maybe the rest is terrific. Maybe the start is the weakest part. I know that I certainly struggle with writing beginnings.
The story seems... rushed. I think I understand what you are doing with the dialogue between Twilight and Sunset, and it feels too forced. It feels like the conversation is just a mechanism to list the various head-canons and explanations to... prime your characters for the plot you want the story to follow, I guess I would say. I don't feel very connected to the characters as you've written them.
I don't imagine myself as having nearly enough expertise to give very good advice on how to do better, but I feel like you need more meat to it. As it is the conversation feels very much like a straight line from point A to point B. Make it curvier, space it out, make the reader feel more connected to Sunset Shimmer, or another character if you prefer.
There are also several grammatical errors that I noticed. It sometimes feels petty to point those out, but when noticed by the reader they can really disrupt immersion and fatigue them. If a reader gets too fatigued, they will stop reading, like I did.
That said, I won't end without giving you some positive feedback as well. Everyone seemed in character, and the premise was interesting enough to hook me in the first place, which is a good thing. Keep writing, and if I can offer some additional advice, try rereading your own work before publishing. A lot. Write, write, and rewrite until you have a chapter, and then reread it, from the beginning. Edit any grammar and tone that needs changing as you go. Then reread it again while editing. Then do it twice more.
Then, forget that you wrote it, and try to read it as a fresh reader, and decide if it works or doesn't work for what you are trying to accomplish with that chapter. It's a great way to destroy typos and grammatical mistakes, if nothing else.
Now to stop pretending that I know anything about writing and hope I didn't come across as condescending.
Best of luck to you, and apologies for the wall o' text.
5618338
You make a good point. However, we do not know how magic and technology would interact with one another because we don't get that in canon (except possibly the Bass Buggy), so at this point in time, it is all conjecture and anything goes.
6282858 Well, Even if it is all "magic", good worldbuilding means keeping it's properties and limitations consistent.
High level electronics as they are used in Smartphones can be destroyed by the smallest electric voltage in the wrong area. If telekinetic magic had any electric properties, there is no way it would not fry the phone the moment you tried to pick it up. However, if it doesn't have any electric properties it cannot be used to manipulate a touchscreen. Thus a telekinetic finger triggering a touchscreen would break continuity.
The Author could of course solve the problem by introducing a specific spell to create an electric signature comparable to a finger, but for that whoever invented the spell in universe would need knowledge of electricity, magic and smartphone technology. There is no individual in either universe has all this knowledge, apart from maybe Sunset and Twilight. Both of them up to this point lacked the options and motivation to even think about creating such a spell, so there is no reason why it would exist.
buena historia
muy buena historia mantiene el suspenso en algunas partes como el final
Funny it looked like a GIGANTIC version of Celestia, isn’t it?
You think that’s ruff? She has been the mare in the moon, aka NIGHTMARE MOON!