Surprise Visit
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School was finally out and all the students rushed out of the building in both large and small groups. Sunset Shimmer walked out of the building with her friends chatting cheerfully at her side. As the six girls walked, Rainbow Dash was bouncing her soccer ball from knee to knee, off her rainbow colored head, and then back down to her knees again.
"Rainbow Dash, how are you able to keep walking while bouncing that ball?" Sunset asked.
"When you’re as awesome as me, doing this is nothing." Rainbow answered, "watch this." Rainbow begin showing off her tricks before accidentally kicking the ball towards a group of guys.
"Heh heh, sorry." Rainbow apologized with a small blush before running over to retrieve her ball.
"Anyways, I'll be going home now. I want to get some extra studying in before Monday." Sunset said.
"Why are you studying so much? Your grades are the best in the school!" Applejack asked with her country accent.
"I know, I study a lot. Even when I was a student under Princess Celestia, I spent most of my time with my face in a book." Sunset said sheepishly.
They walked past the mirror statue that Twilight Sparkle used as a portal to come to the human world. Sunset always felt homesick and was even thinking of going back through it, but could never gain the courage to so.
"Sunset! Sunset!"
"Huh?"
"Darling, are you okay?" Rarity asked with a concerned look, “you seem to space out every time we pass this statue.”
"Maybe she was just thinking of a certain purple princess." Rainbow joked before getting a punch in the arm by Applejack.
"Wait, really?" Pinkie Pie chimed in, "I didn't know you liked Twilight like that!" Pinkie said, with her face now inches from Sunset.
"What? I don't like Twilight, I-I mean I do like her, but not like that!" Sunset said with a little panic in her voice before sitting down at the base of the statue.
"Then what's wrong?" Applejack asked.
"I'm...I'm just feeling a little home sick. When I look at this statue it reminds me it’s a portal back home, but I don't know if I'm allowed back." Sunset said with a small sigh.
"Did you ask Twilight if you’re allowed to come back, I mean if you haven't already?" Fluttershy asked.
"No, I haven't. I'm sure Twilight told the Princess everything I've done, and I'm sure the Princess hates me now." Sunset said with a regretful look on her face.
"Darling, I'm sure the princess will forgive you when she see how much you’ve changed." Rarity said with a comforting smile.
"It’s okay. I mean, now that I actually have friends, this place feels just as much like home as Equestria does." Sunset said back with a small smile on her face, "I honestly don't think I could choose one place over the other." After saying this, all of her friends gathered around in a group hug. Rainbow tried not to join but pinkie forced her in.
"Hey, are you better now sugarcube, or do ya'll need more time?" Applejack asked after breaking the hug.
"I'm feeling better, but I think I'm going to stay here for a bit before leaving." Sunset sighed
The other girls looked at each other and nodded in understanding, seeing that Sunset needed a little time to herself.
"Oh, well, umm, I hope you feel better soon." Fluttershy said before getting up and walking with the other girls.
After they said their goodbyes to each other, the girls went their separate ways. Sunset sat there for a few minutes just thinking about Equestria, then reached into her bag and brought out her book. The book looked like a normal brown book with an image of a setting sun on the cover, but it was actually magical. It allowed Sunset to send messages to Twilight whenever she wanted. Sunset sat with the book in her hand, debating if she should ask twilight if she could come back to Equestria or not. After deciding on asking, she opened the book and put her pen on the paper, only to back out, fearing the response she might get. Sunset stayed there for an hour before deciding she was ready to leave. Before walking away, Sunset took one last look at the portal, edging herself to jump in. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. As she began to start walking she heard a whirling noise from the statue, then a thud as a body hit the ground.
"Oww oww, I really need to find a way to make my landing softer."
Sunset would recognize that voice anywhere. When she turned around she saw the teen girl. Her hair was straight with a shade of purple velvet, with a pink stripe down her left. In addition, she had a cyan blouse with a magenta skirt, with an image of a star on its left side.
"Twilight?" Sunset said in a stunned voice.
Twilight got up, dusted herself off, and then to Sunset’s surprise gave her a hug.
"Hey Twilight, what are you doing back here so soon?" Sunset asked, confused.
"I came here to see you." Twilight said with a smile, letting her go and taking a step back.
"M-me?"
"Yes, you. I came here to see how you were doing."
"Well, I'm doing ok, but don't you have your royal duties to worry about?"
"Princess Celestia doesn’t want to over-burden me with royal duties, and since I'm still new to everything she wants me to take my time to let things settle in."
"Oh, well, I was heading back home...do you want to come with me?"
"Sure, but I have this message for you from the Princess." Twilight said as she reached into her bag and grabbed a parchment scroll.
"A message from the princess? Why?" Sunset asked as she took the scroll and looked at the Princess sun stamp on it.
"Well, it was after I told the Princess about what hap-"
"Wait, did you tell the Princess about what I have done?" Sunset asked, cutting off what Twilight was about to say.
"Yes, I told her everything from when you took my crown to you helping us defeat the....sirens." Twilight said, beginning to look around at the school as they started to walk towards Sunset’s apartment. "What happened to them anyway?"
"Who the Dazzlings? They didn't come back to the school, but they still live here, though you're more likely to run into Sonata than the other two."
"Are they causing any more trouble?"
"No." Sunset said, looking at the scroll a little more before breaking the seal on it, "is Princess Celestia still mad at me or does she hate me now?"
"Celestia doesn't hate you, she’s actually very worried about you. She was very proud of you when I told her how you helped us stop the sirens, and she was surprised when I mentioned that you were able to add your element to our own magic."
"Yeah, I was surprised about that too." Sunset chuckled before reading the scroll. Sunset had to reread the scroll three times to make sure she understood what Celestia had written.
"I'm allowed to go back to Equestria!" Sunset said. She had a bright smile on her face and a tear was forming in her eyes as she turned towards Twilight. "Twilight, is this right? Celestia says that one of the princesses wants to make me her Student......but she didn't say who or why."
"Yes, that’s right."
"But who would want to have me as their student?"
"Do you not want to be one?" Twilight looked at Sunset with a rise eyebrow.
"I don't deserve to be one. I abandoned Celestia’s teaching, then I came to this world and caused so much trouble." Sunset said, turning her face from Twilight.
"Yeah, that’s true, but Celestia believes that everypony deserves a second chance, even you." Twilight said, stopping to give Sunset another hug.
"Maybe, but who’s the Princess that wants me........is it you?" Sunset asked, looking Twilight in the eyes.
"No," Twilight chuckled, "I think it’s still too early for me to be looking for a pupil of my own, plus it would be a little weird to make a friend into a student, don't you think?"
"Yeah, you’re right. But if you were looking for a pupil, do you have a pony in mind?"
As they started walking again, Twilight thought to herself about all the ponies she knew.
"Hmm, maybe Sweetie Belle."
"Rarity’s little sister?" Sunset asked in surprise.
"Yeah, I've been teaching her magic lately and she’s really smart for her age."
"Sounds like she’s already your student. So if its not you, then is it...Princess Candence?"
"No, I don't think she is planning on having a student anytime soon." Twilight thought about it for a moment. "Maybe."
"So if it’s not you or Princess Candence, then that means..."
"That's right, Princess Luna. She asked Celestia to allow her to take you in.”
"Why does Princess Luna want to have me study under her? she doesn't even know me!" Sunset said in disbelief.
"I don't know why. She just seemed to be interested with you."
"So I'll be a student studying under Princess Luna then?" Sunset said with a halfhearted chuckle.
"Well, that is if you want to study under Princess Luna, you don't have to, and you’re still free to come to equestrian anytime." Twilight said with reassurance.
"But I don't understand why, I mean I practically went rogue! You’d think after doing something like that Luna wouldn't even trust me."
"You can ask Luna herself if you like."
"Now?" Sunset said in surprise.
"No." Twilight said, laughing a little, "You can ask her tomorrow if you want."
"Tomorrow? Aren’t you going to head back today?"
"No. I was hoping to learn more about the humans here, since the first time I came I was too focused on trying to get my crown back from you."
"Sorry about that." Sunset said, gripping her left arm and looking down.
"It’s okay. I mean, I got my crown back and made some new friends in the process, and I was able to help you; so it’s okay, really." Twilight said, giving Sunset a warm smile.
"Thanks. Well, I’ve got some books on the humans here in my house that you could use."
"Great! Thank you!"
"Sure, no problem."
As they walked, Sunset couldn't help but think why Luna wanted to give her a second chance, and what she would say to Luna when she met her. Did she deserve the second chance she was offered? Should she decline Luna, and if so, would she understand or be mad about it? Sunset had plenty of questions in her head, but the biggest question she had was why? Why would Luna want her to be her student?
"So how far are we from where you’re staying?" Twilight asked, cutting into Sunset’s thought.
"Not much further now. I live in that building over there." Sunset pointed at an average-looking light-orange house.
"You live there? how can you afford that?" Twilight asked, looking at the house which was too big for one person to live alone in.
Sunset gripped her arm again as she looked away from Twilight. "When I first came to this world, I didn't have a place to go or stay, and my magic was weak. After weeks of sleeping outside, I decided it was time for me to find a place to live; but I refused to get a job, so the only option that came to my mind was-"
Sunset stopped to unlock the door so that they could go in. She really didn't like the next thing she was going to say, but she said it anyways.
"Was to use any power I had left to take a place for myself by any means necessary."
Twilight stopped and looked at Sunset with a look of disbelief on her face.
"You didn't-"
"No, I didn't kill or hurt anyone. I just used any magic I could to run a family out of this house. When they left, I took over the house and stopped anyone who tried to come and take it."
"Oh. So that’s what you did."
Twilight looked at her with saddened eyes, when suddenly something crossed her mind.
"You said you used your magic. How?"
"It wasn't easy. I didn't know how to use my magic at first since I didn't have my horn, but I learned to use my magic through my hands. It was weird but I manage to do it. I wish I still could, but unfortunately I can’t anymore."
"I’m amazed you could even use magic at all."
"Yeah, I was too." Sunset said as she went to her room to get some books for Twilight.
"Here you go, Twilight. These are my biology books, they should be what you’re looking for."
"Thanks." Twilight said with a smile, taking the books from Sunset and beginning to scan through them.
"Since you will be here until tomorrow, you can use any of the rooms here to sleep in."
"You don't mind me staying here for the night?"
"Nope." Sunset said, sitting down on the couch and looking back over the scroll again. Suddenly, Sunset realized she still didn’t know the answer to a very important question.
"Twilight, does Celestia want to see me again?"
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She has a chance*
Gotta proof check that description! Tis important.
5555403 oops thought I had that cleared
It's pretty great, for your second story. I instantly think of Luna wanting her as a student, because of the fact they both were evil at one point, and so Luna won't feel alone about her having the only past similar to that.
5555887 tThanks, though I figure Luna can help Sunset deal with her past and more then one way
5555940 makes sense. Both have ALOT in common
5556382
Their situations could be similes!
I had to give this story a dislike. Given that I dislike lack of feedback on my own writing, however, I felt it'd be hypocritical of me to do so without leaving a comment. The least I can do is let you know where you lost me as a reader on this story, so here we go:
I only got about 2/3 through the first chapter before giving up, so I can't give feedback on anything past that. Maybe the rest is terrific. Maybe the start is the weakest part. I know that I certainly struggle with writing beginnings.
The story seems... rushed. I think I understand what you are doing with the dialogue between Twilight and Sunset, and it feels too forced. It feels like the conversation is just a mechanism to list the various head-canons and explanations to... prime your characters for the plot you want the story to follow, I guess I would say. I don't feel very connected to the characters as you've written them.
I don't imagine myself as having nearly enough expertise to give very good advice on how to do better, but I feel like you need more meat to it. As it is the conversation feels very much like a straight line from point A to point B. Make it curvier, space it out, make the reader feel more connected to Sunset Shimmer, or another character if you prefer.
There are also several grammatical errors that I noticed. It sometimes feels petty to point those out, but when noticed by the reader they can really disrupt immersion and fatigue them. If a reader gets too fatigued, they will stop reading, like I did.
That said, I won't end without giving you some positive feedback as well. Everyone seemed in character, and the premise was interesting enough to hook me in the first place, which is a good thing. Keep writing, and if I can offer some additional advice, try rereading your own work before publishing. A lot. Write, write, and rewrite until you have a chapter, and then reread it, from the beginning. Edit any grammar and tone that needs changing as you go. Then reread it again while editing. Then do it twice more.
Then, forget that you wrote it, and try to read it as a fresh reader, and decide if it works or doesn't work for what you are trying to accomplish with that chapter. It's a great way to destroy typos and grammatical mistakes, if nothing else.
Now to stop pretending that I know anything about writing and hope I didn't come across as condescending.
Best of luck to you, and apologies for the wall o' text.
AJ just answered her question.