- Member Since 23rd Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 17th, 2023
FoxWithAMask
English geek, yep, that's me. I just want to spead joy with my stories and make people smileand I'm only just realising how cheesy this sounds. Meh.
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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm???? *rubs chin* interesting desc
you might want to add some sort of status to your description about Cross-overs, that way you can avoid getting questions or PMS about it.
This was awesome. This story has a lot of potential. I will follow this and see how it goes. Spidey Noir is my favorite version of Spider-Man, so naturally when I saw him on the cover, this caught my eye. I look forward to seeing more of this and the characters. Good luck!
Not bad, it has my interest. Though I'm left wondering, is Spider the only human and does he have any powers or other special traits that would put him above the rest? You set the scene but you didn't set the character.
Dann, bro. If this was a good day than I am both dreading/eager for a bad day.
Definitely potential and will keep an eye on this one.
Ooo, neat. Another Spidey Displaced.
whooo, nice. I like how you don't need to know the backstory to know what happen to him. I wonder if any of spider man's friends/foes will show.
My childhood's favorite comic character dealing out justice like my current favorite comic character? Oh-hohoho, this is gonna be fun!
I love the Noir style it is written. Keep it up.
Noir-Spiderman woooot!
Shouldn’t that be seeing the bed was occupied?
Enjoying the start so far. Tracking.
8765376
No. No one was in the bed. Thus, unoccupied.
Wow, I thought I was the only one doing a story on Noire Spiderman. So far so good, but you might want to work on your pacing. You don't have to rush it. Go slow and make use of idioms. A good noire story uses a lot of idioms. Best references? Watch the Sin City movies, they'll put you in the mood.
So... he acts more like Batman than Spiderman? But he is willing to kill?
It's not bad, but I'm curious if you make that world building work out in the end. Not sure what to think about that Felicia rightn ow because of the Noir style writing and to be honest, so far the world looks like everyone kicks everyones ass for fun or racism.
I think it makes sense but at the same time it appeared slightly random to me.
8767618
Kill? No. Break every bone in their body so they’ll never walk right again? Yes.
TL;DR at the end
I like this direction and the gritty nature of it, but I feel like those numbers aren't sustainable in a single night if this has been going on for 7 years. Also some of the injuries seem pretty close to the edge of fatal. He can't really hold up the idea of non-lethal takedowns when skulls are smashed into the ground from a roof top jump ( even a single story one) and spines are being snapped. You can't break the bones of 100-200 people a night for even 1 year (much less 7) and expect not to make a massive impact on the city as a whole. Even averaging 50 a night adds up to 1825 debilitating injuries a year before accounting for the victims of those crimes.
What's more is that there is usually a reason for the racism and xenophobia. Some are just bad apples but most have some sort of real grevience that was never addressed to their statisfaction, even if it was "fairly" addressed.
My advice is to reduce the numbers dramatically and to give context and motives for why ponies act like they do. The truly dark stories are those that understand the victims and monsters are on both sides of the spectrum and that sometimes the victims were monsters first and vice versa.
There is also something to be said about his success rates. Even if he sometimes doesn't make it in time, he doesn't seem to be threatened by the skills or numbers of his opponents.
Then there is his desperate idealism, the worst effects of combat is that it just gets easier with time or the reason it stays hard becomes a matter of risky restraint and fear of what one's self is capable of rather than actual revulsion of the worst cases. It's a common trait amongst combatants in a protracted engagement.
Then there is the balance between private life and public life but given that his form is implied to be uncommon, it's likely his identity is safe just with how he looks. If no one else is human, then it narrows down what his secret identity could be simply because it's easy to tell he's human.
TL;DR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good but needs:
Lower numbers of incidents.
More clear motives for the crimes*
Less one sided fights**
More profound effects of extended violence in the character's psychology
An explanation for how he fulfills his need for food/water/shelter and is not attacked when doing so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*(Cultural differences can be a powerful source here.
Debached promiscuity vs oppressive prudishness
Savagely combative vs dishonestly manipulative
Greedy capitalism vs thieving communism
Zealotous idealouge vs hateful heretic
Ect, ect.)
**(or at least the appearance of people acting like there is a masked vigilante about, post a lookout or bring a weapon or something...)
8768931
Well. I just wrote out a large explanation to this.
Then my computer suddenly decided to go back a page and got rid of it all. Damn it.
Okay, let's try again. Shorter this time, I might sound like I'm being rude because of that, but I just don't want to have to write this out over and over, hope you understand.
Also, I'm going to do this in multiple comments, each about different sections you had in bold at the end.
Crime numbers:
The city isn't just the equililant of Manhattan island, but all of New York. New York has a population of about eight and a half million people, 25% of which are black. Using that as a basis, Manehattan has about 10 million living there, 25% being non-pony. That's 2,500,000 non ponies. In 2006, I think, I can't find the page again, there were 62,000 deaths in the city. That's about 1,153 deaths a week. Compared to that the 600-800 maximum isn't really that unbeliveable.
As for the Spider's fighting method, he's only been fighting this way for the last two years. Until that point he was much less violent. And even now, a lot of his fights end with just him breaking legs and maybe a few ribs, he doesn't snap spines or land on skulls...that often. More than he should? Yes. But he's not perfect. As for them not being non-fatal...In his eyes, so long as he doesn't kill them directly and they're still breathing when he leaves, it's all fine by him. Is that a dick thing to do? Absoultly, but he doesn't believe in being a hero anymore, just putting down the threats. He's a flawed character.
8768931
Motives for the crimes:
This is in the next chapter.
Less one sided fights:
He's got super strength, reflexes endurance and durability. As well as Spider-Sense. I'm not saying he's invincible, just that most thugs, unless they're armed, aren't going to be a threat. The one thing that can screw him over is a unicorn with knowledge of spells. He's fighting a lot of people who don't know he's there until it's too late, or are drunk. This isn't to say he's going to consistently be undefeated, he is going to be challenged a lot. He's weaker than the standard Spider-Man and his webs just splatter everywhere, so he's not going to be kicking teeth out left an right.
8768931
And finally,
Effects on his psyche and How he gets his food and such:
Will be addressed both as the story goes on, and in the next chapter.
8767803
The 'why' of the racism is addressed next chapter.
8770843
I suppose it makes more sense in the context you've given here and maybe I glossed over them or maybe they aren't fully clearly explained in the first chapter, I do appreciate you taking the time to explain things though I think you may still get similar comments with the tendencies people have to not read the comments until after or even justifying it as "I should have got it from the story! *le edgy writer maymays*".
I still feel it's a little intense that he's dealing with so many crimes in one night (putting it on a time table implies he's dealing with a new crime every 5-15 minutes which is downright brutal when you consider combat time, travel times, time spent transporting or providing first aid to those who need it... New York is a lot of ground to cover even jumping roof to roof). Prehaps it speaks more to his ability that he's able to run around putting out so many fires, metaphorically speaking.
I suppose it may just be something to get used to since I've never spent time in the more dangerous cities.
Considering the hell he's going through, I do believe he'll need allies to help him out.
What? A story about one of my favorite Spider-Men?
Insta follow
You, sir, are setting up one of the most punch-almost-everyone-in-the-dicks stories I ever did read. Good job!
Great work
Hey I found this story a theme song
Colour me interested
Once again an interesting chap.
So, what I gather from the description:
Racism, police brutality, more racism, corruption, prohibition???, crime on a level would make even California shudder, innocence being attributed to being mixed-race???, Uncle Ben???????????
I'm sure this is a great story, but it doesn't really seem to be my cup of tea.
Isn't Spider-Noir the same guy who brought home the Rubik's cube?
9480613
Yep. But this guy is based on the comics rather than the film.
9480642 I see.
More please
Hope that speciest, cheapskate landlord loses everything.
9692288
He should. Make it so, author.
I like it. Keep it up!
Love the reference to the game
Why does Celestia and Luna let this happen are they that ignorant of what is going on?!
Even if you kill the source of the rampant racism in Manehatten, the racism will still be there.
Damn, reading the description gave me chills! I can't wait to read this story!
this is a good story