Ponyville school decide to make a program to bring in a dragoness (Emerald) a female Changeling (Yarrow) and a Griffon (Gabby) it's to see if ponies and other creatures can learn and live together. It turns out to be a little bit difficult, when fillies and colts alike are unable to trust Emerald and Yarrow.
With Scootaloo being caught in the middle, having the dragoness, Changeling and Griffon living under her roof, while the orange filly started making an accidental harem in the process. Well... Oops.
Cover Art Done By:
OmniWriter (FIMFiction)
OmniWriter (Deviantart)
Chapters (12)
I haven’t read this yet but why is this rating for everyone if Harem is in the title
obviously there isn't gonna be any talk of sex.....maybe a lotta romance, but no mention of sex, and the rating can be changed later if the author decides to add it
8673255
Presumably cos there's no sex or otherwise lewd content in it. They're likely just using harem as a way to say a poly relationship.
8673266
Ohhhhh ok then
I'm torn. On the one hand, it's an adorable little concept with plenty of opportunity for drama and amusing happenings; there's plenty of potential here. On the other, the execution needs a lot of work. I came into this wanting to like the story, but as it currently is I can't in good conscience owing to grammar, word-choice, and too much tell to too little show.
Please understand, this is not an attack; I think you've got something nifty here, and I'd like to see it be as good as it can be. I'm offering a critique; suggestions for how it can be better than it is. With that established, there let me clarify the three major things. As a warning, this is going to get long; grab yourself a snack.
First, you've got a lot of grammar problems; misused punctuation, incorrect homophones (their/there/they're), odd capitalization, and incorrect verb tenses. It's really obvious; there are sections where every sentence had something wrong with it. This is an issue because it trips up the reader; while they will probably still be able to figure out what you meant, grammar mistakes are jarring and distracting; they break the immersion and flow of the story, and more than that they can be taken by the reader as a sign of a lack of care or effort; it's sloppy. A little extra work and time spend checking your work for mistakes can make it shine so much more than it is. (It also wouldn't hurt to enlist an editor or proofreader; just having a second set of eyes on it can help pick out the issues.)
Second, the word-choice and sentence structure. You tend to use run-on sentences, essentially strapping on a number of extra endings onto a single sentence in an effort to pack in the information. This gets awkward to read. In many cases, it would be better to break up a long, stuttering sentence into a couple of shorter or more flavorful ones. You also tend to forget linking and descriptive words that would bring a sentence together. This means the patches where you get a little more flowery or descriptive become jarring. It robs the story of consistent tone.
Third, and directly related to the second, is too much tell to too little show. There is a common phrase used in writing: "show, don't tell". In visual works, this means letting the audience see things for themselves rather than simply having the characters state things. In the words of Mark Twain, "Don't say 'the old lady screamed', bring her on [stage] and let her scream!" When we're talking about written works this rule still applies; rather than having the narration describe something, try instead to have the characters do things or say things that show the reader what's going on. Some exposition is good, even necessary, but the less the narration has to say and the more that can be inferred from the characters, their actions, and the dialogue the better it will read. Now this isn't immutable; many authors use overnarration as a source of humor; having the narrator describe something excessively or oddly can be funny or draw attention in useful ways, but when this is done it's done as a subversion; it breaks expectation and that's where the humor comes from. An author must understand "show, don't tell" before they can play with it.
As an example of all three things, let us take a look at a single paragraph from this chapter of the story:
First thing's first, we need to fix the grammar. This is fairly quick and painless. "Enter" is changed to "entered" because the narration is in the past-tense. "Smelt" is something one does regarding their own scent; "he smelt of beer", for example - "smelled" is proper here. "From a parent love to their children" is improper; "love from a parent" is better. "Changeling" is not a proper noun, so don't capitalize the c. Also, there were five spots where a double-space was used between words. And so, the result is:
Next, the word choices and sentence structure. Much of what's missing or could use changes here are words that would improve the structure of the sentences going on. What I'm going to show you is merely one way this could be improved; there are many alternatives to the following suggestions that are just as good, but I'll explain why I make each in the next paragraph.
The words "as" and "instead" were added to the front of two sentences, in the first to set the scene and in the second to help the transition to the new sentence. Since "the four" were already mentioned in the first sentence it's appropriate to use "they" instead of "the girls", and in this case it flows just a little better, and saves "the girls" for later use. One of the tricks in writing is to avoid reusing the same words too often, else it becomes boring to the reader. "Immedeatly" was added to bring the reader into the experience; it makes the depiction clearer. The second sentence was added to bridge the gap of thought between the idea that there is a smell and the idea that Yarrow wasn't taken with it; this too improves the flow. In it, I used "tantalizing aroma" because "smell" was already used a few times; by having one more to break up the two other uses, they're not as repetitive. "on the windowsill" was changed to "on the counter", because bakeries do not commonly use windowsills to cool pies; that would allow theft far too easily. "on the shelves" was added so that each of the things Yarrow was not noticing had a prepositional phrase; it forms a pattern in the reader's mind, a set of three: "the A that Z, the B that Y, and the C that X". "in the air" was changed to "through the shop" to avoid repetition. Lastly, the last sentence was changed so that we can refer to the two different kinds of love both differently (using the term infatuation for the latter) while not excluding other forms (which is the reason for the "whether"). The final clause was sealed in a parenthetical, because it feels like an additional note; you could also have made a new sentence to explain it instead.
Lastly, we get to 'show, don't tell'. In this case, the original paragraph isn't a particularly bad example of telling rather than showing on it own, so that's good. However, it is used together with the dialogue a few paragraphs up to demonstrate Yarrow feeding off love. In that regard, it does show her attracted to the love but it doesn't show any reaction beyond that. If the earlier bit where she pulls Scootaloo aside to tell her about what she eats was meant to be skeptical, Yarrow should be surprised or change her mind or be sullenly satisfied when she took note. There's also no further reaction from Scootaloo on the topic, when her initial disgust would seem to warrant it, or it could highlight her lack of perception. It could also be flipped around; have them enter, all sniff at things they like, and then after Scoots notices Yarrow's attention going to odd places (or after she doesn't order), then the explanation is given. As an aside, you had Yarrow eat cereal earlier; that runs counter to the 'eats love' thing without more explanation.
So, to demonstrate the first of those options, and assuming the reason Yarrow mentioned love-eating was out of a sort of skepticism or to say that she didn't need food, we'll expand up a few paragraphs. Following what I said above, I'd restructure it like this:
If there's one last thing to mention, it's a fanfiction matter: consistent characterization. Generally, you want ponies to act like they do in the show; when you divert from that, you generally want a reason. Two things in your story to watch out for there: First, a sudden and unexplained love of the other Crusaders for Scootaloo is a little odd; try instead to provide the basis. You can say "X had a crush", but it's better if you say "X had recently developed a crush" or "X had been hiding a crush for years" - and better still if you can make the audience curious and then answer the question "why does X have a crush?" Second, Pinkie Pie can be very hard to do well without making her seem crazy or overly annoying; tread carefully.
Alright, critique over; that should do it. If you have any questions, I'll answer questions; if you want a little help, I'd be happy to advise.
Good luck; I still think this has a lot of potential but it needs a lot of work. You've got something special; polish it up and others will see it too.
Scootaloo's aunts are pretty careless, making her share a bed with a changeling.
I'd like to see Kettle Corn as the last girl.
isnt the pony version of a harem just herding?
8673755
Yes, but it means the same thing. So, same dog, different leg.
8673803
makes sense oh ponies could call it herding when all the other speacies could call it a harem
Wait... Who's Yarrow?
8676192
She's a Changeling that I made up since I needed three diferent creatures for the story. The same goes for Emerald. I thought I stated that those two are O.C's.
This sorta reminds me of every Harlem anime I've ever watched like Nisekoi, Maburaho, Kono naka no hitori, Shomin sample, Baka and test, and well, any Harlem anime.
Has fruit been spying on Tia?
Loving this story, by the way. I'm considering writing something with a similar premise, but taking it in a more Rom/Com direction.
8701619
You bet, that fruit really doesn't like Diamond
Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. Good luck on your story as well.
now sweetie can have her scoots and eat her two
Diamond Tiara, master negotiator, gets to keep Scootaloo to herself while looking generous.
this is going to be an every day life with monster girls if so good job this needs to happen more often.
8735200
I have seen the show, that's the reason why I added a Harpy in the story since Popi was one of my favourite characters from that show. It won't be the same, it accidentally simpler to Everyday Life With Monster Girls; I never heard of the show until after the first three chapters of this story.
I'm glad that you're enjoying this.
This is getting good. Someone should do a fanfic reading of this
8752328
Thank you. I don't think anyone would, the only story I made that got a reading was Wedding Day and that story was one of my early works and wasn't that good.
8752447
Some might one day. They might even draw comics and make animations of it.
Dude, your stories need more straight shipping.
8752589
First there's ton of stories on my page with a male x female; Tales of Love series, Mistletoe Kiss, Homework, Seven Days, The Dragon and The Farmer, Birthday Wish, Weekend With The Pies and those are all the ones I can name on the top of my head.
This story is just Scootaloo x female harem because if I added a boy in her harem like Rumble then he would be the luckiest guy in the world and the story might to go to him because Scootaloo.
Plus Scootabelle is my favourite ship of all time. If you don't like this type just go off to all the stories I said before at the top of this rather long comment.
8752801
Actually, if Rumble was in her harem, there wouldn't be something new for me either, cuz I'm not too fond of this ship.
Also, why I wasn't notified that you replied me? Strange.
8752935
Then why read it? I don't like Rumble and Sccotaloo ship. If you don't like this type of story, you don't have to read it, I don't like all the Anon stories on FIMfic. So I never bother with it, plus the site was been a bit weird at the moment.
8752998
I've only read the story's description and the description under the 1st chapter.
The title alone makes me think of monster musume
8796282
That's nice, never knew that show when I was making this story, you can tell when I watched Everyday Life With Monster Girls, when The Harpy comes up. Well I hope you enjoy the story
Wow. That was a pretty good harem story. That would actually make a pretty good anime
8897094
It's called Monster Musume: Everyday Life With Monster Girls. I didn't watch the show before making this, so it's not a rip off. Like to put that out there, but that's the closest anime that the story is based off. Well the one that most of the comments talk about.
I strongly recommend finding a proofreader. This grammar makes a terrible first impression on potential readers.
A much better phrasing would be something like "The September sun shone brightly on the small town of Ponyville, and within it, Ponyville Elementary School."
That said, while the rest of the chapter is a little bit better, it's still too in-need-of-a-proofreader for me to enjoy reading it. I'm not continuing on to chapter 2.
I suggest getting a proofreader, love the concept but I can't get past the grammer.
"This is my life now"..
Scoots could teach the royals a lesson on harem making..
Yep. This is your life. These were your choices. This is your punishment.
Never shall you know peace again.
Apple bloom: ya sure bout that?