• Member Since 3rd Jul, 2017
  • offline last seen 54 minutes ago

Creativa-Artly01


I'm an MLP lover/Pegasister, artist, writer, ABBA fan, Disnerd, and Young Justicer. So yeah. I love everything cartoony. I'm also a Youtuber and Wattpadder.

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Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon have taken over Equestria and the nation is in ruins. Ponies are starving. Unicorns are forced to entertain the rulers. Pegasi are forced to do aerial stunt shows on command for their entertainment as well. Everything is basically hell on earth. The only pony doing something about it is Twilight Sparkle. The only princess who has not yet been corrupted. She is destined to be Equestria's Savior. That much she knows to be true.

Chapters (30)
Comments ( 48 )

cell phone potion

Did you get that from the movie? Whatever its good! :rainbowlaugh:

8545204
Yes I got that from the movie since it was the best piece of comedy in the entire movie in my mind.

8545231
Is this a series of yours? Like more stories that explain these characters? I'm just wondering you know like how they look... call me a hypocrite because sometimes I can be vague at times.

8545256
I wasn't planning on making this a series. Why?

*shrugs*
The only thing I really like from this is the cover art.
And that's it.

8548311
Have you even given the rest of the book a chance?

8549193
Yes. And it still wasn't good.

8550692
The writing is just sorta... Blah. Not enough zest... Just... Kinda... Flat I guess.

You need an editor and a pre-reader, sir. edit: Ma'am.
The chapters are ridiculously short, the plot itself seems interesting but it's moving far too fast to entertain. The emotions aren't clearly conveyed as one could expect and it's simplistically forced out and not sticking to anything or making any relatable connections.
You're telling what the characters are doing and saying but you're not showing through words what they're doing and how they're feeling.

The idea is interesting, it just needs more expansion on the detail.

8550845
I'm a Miss. Manners are important. Just a tip.

8551338
Again, nicknames and screens make it hard to tell the difference between a mister and a missus.
Also, I'm giving criticism, not rude manners.

8551832
I'm not mad at you about this I'm just telling you to be careful next time. My OC is clearly a female so that implies hat I am probably a female.

8551886
Most people who are male have female OCs.

8557884
Yes but mostly females have female OCs. I'm one of those where I'm a female with a female OC!

8557885
But no one would be able to know that unless you told them beforehand.

Her head falls into her lap and she begins to ball. 

Must be very uncomfortable given her equine nature and all that.

Meanwhile, the royal tyrants sit on their thrones

Which are in the cell apparently given that this is the same paragraph. New paragraph for a new subject.

"I have to hand it to you sister," giggles Nightmare Moon, "we make these ponies pretty miserable."

"Agreed," cackles Daybreaker. "I love having slaves that answer my every call." She giggles as she pops another cupcake into her mouth.

Nightmare Moon kind of exists to bring about eternal night. That's kind of her whole schtick. I can't see her and Daybreaker getting along in the slightest. Just saying, there must be a tonne of friction between these two.

Meanwhile, another group of guards is busy gathering together small groups of rebels that they then line up and shoot one by one nonstop.

They didn't shoot the mane six because the plot told them not to.

"There's nothing you can do about it, Twi," says Applejack. "This is what the world is now. It's awful but it's never going to change."

Didn't take much to break you, did it AJ?

:ajsmug: "Ah'm kinda a wuss in this here fic thingamajig"

Now, the Mane Six had been drowned.

You know, I'm rather torn on whether or not this was a good idea. On the plus side you don't run the risk of creating a group of martyrs. On the negative however there's also a significant chance of great demoralization if the worlds greatest heroes are publicly executed. Since I can't decide however I'll just add that shooting them would have been quicker and easier.

After several days of digging and digging, Twilight finally digs herself out of the cell and escapes the prison

I guess prison cell checks were among the first things to go when Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon came to power. Also, with what? Cells generally don't contain dirt floors. Did she dig with her bare hooves?

At least, she doesn't have to keep it up much longer

An interesting development in the story would be Twilight finding that she enjoys the life of a tyrant. The ease with which things are done, not having to worry about anything, getting anything she wants at any time, and being torn between her enjoyment of the lifestyle and her loyalty to the rebellion ultimately culminating in a moral decision whether to stay with the tyrants or to betray them for the rebels. We'll have to see where things go from there. This story seems pretty rushed as you've covered what could be a good five to eight chapters easily in one very short chapter.

"These guns can take down everything."

Umm, Creativa, dearie, we need to have a little talk about technology. Specifically the schizo tech of Equestria. While there may be things like movie theaters and ovens there generally aren't guns. The weapon of choice for royal guards is spears. That's the level that weapon technology is at. While yes, you could make a vague argument of 'alternate universe so anything goes' you haven't made any real indication of a different technology level outside of 'guns exist now'. More to the point why would they need to have invented guns if Equestria was pretty much Equestria until the Daybreaker incident? Aside from the friendship defeated villains things are generally peaceful. Gonna need some backstory to justify your guns is all I'm saying.

A few hours later, Twilight gives up on calling for help and switches to praying. "Please Drake, please rebels, get me out of here. I can't take much more. Soon they come to kill me. Make haste and come to my rescue. Please."

A few minutes later, the rebels unlock the cell and free Twilight from her change. "Drake, you came!" sighs Twilight as she jumps into his hooves and embraces him in a hug. He then pushes her off and she willingly lets go. She then takes a gun along with her hood, which she puts on. They then sneak through a lower corridor and towards the throne room. Their plan is in action and soon the result will come to fruition. Twilight just hopes that they won't die protecting her, but if they do die, then they'll die in honor of their country...or at least, what used to be their country.

Wow, for a second there was almost something resembling tension. Glad that got nipped in the bud. :ajbemused:

 "how could you do this to us? We took you in, made you one of us, a divine ruler over all."

:trollestia: "I mean we locked you in a cell to rot, but the pancakes were pretty good, right?"

I'm the one created to save them from you.

Actually you're the product of two ponies getting a little too happy in bed and popping out a kid. Seriously, not everything has to be prophecy or some big plan.

We're all safe now.

:facehoof: "At least until the guard loyal to the tyrants gets the key and unlocks the cell!"

"alicorns have a special power where they can turn average unicorns and pegasi into alicorns with the same amount of power as a natural born one.

"Earth Ponies can suck a big fat dick though. They aren't cool like the magical or flying ponies!"

 she's proud that he at least tried to talk them back into their Celestia and Luna forms.

Twilight, sweetie, go back to being a book obsessed nerd, clearly being effective at anything isn't the calling for you. That wasn't even a try and the dude gave up almost instantly.

brings them into the still freezing ponies

How are they STILL freezing? If they're so cold that traveling a good chunk of a continent and having blankets doesn't warm them up then they should have all died of hypothermia.

Can we receive some aid? Or at least, can we come to Equestria, to your castle, until the dragons are dealt with? Sincerely, Empress Rightheart

:twilightangry2: "Oh suuuuuuure you can! We're just recovering from a major crisis that apparently destroyed major parts of civilization and probably ruined our farms something fierce, but we'd be happy to have more mouths to feed."

Now, all she has to do is manage to keep a steady temperament now that she has to share her ruling responsibilities with four other ponies.

Isn't Flurry Heart kind of a baby at present? I doubt she'll be ruling the local kindergarten let alone Equestria.

And good, you're going to need those other rulers helping with your logistics because you now have three peoples piled into one area and that's going to put a serious strain on the farms to keep up with. Even with hired help they can only produce so much crop.

A few days later, Twilight goes to visit Star Streak and sees that he has a thriving kingdom of his own.

Wooow, it's been what? two, maybe three weeks? And he has an entire thriving kingdom? If I wasn't 100 percent sure that this is a troll fic I'd probably be irritated as opposed to just sarcastic.

"It's going great! Most of them are studying on how to gain alicorn status," responds Star Streak.

"I could just transform them into Alicorns because I already stated that we have the power to do that, but I like watching them sweat for it."

The next day, Twilight is up before sunrise and heads off in the pale sunlight towards an old tree. It's called The Hiding Hole. Once there, Twilight opens the door on the tree and goes down on a silver circle into the main part of the tree. Once in the main part of the tree, Twilight goes over to a screen and pulls up some information.

Oh you know, the famous The Hiding Hole from my favorite mlp episode! I love seeing the pony internet being used!

"Wow, that goddess sounds like Celestia," says Cadence.

"I know, that's what I thought," replies Twilight. "But I didn't want to tell the Empress that. I didn't want to be rude."

:twilightsmile: "I mean we could ask Daybreaker herself, but that'd be giving this fic waaaaay too much credit!"

A few weeks later, a horrid virus spreads throughout the land and infects every single alicorn making them incapable of ruling their subjects. Due to this, right now, it's up to Shining Armor to rule Equestria on his own as both his wife and sister are out of commission as are Celestia, Luna, and Star Streak and even Flurry Heart. Flurry worst of all as she's only a foal.

How'd they ALL catch it at the same time? There's a good deal of separation between the two sets of alicorns.

I know it's asking too much of a blatant troll fic but could we at least get a plot with some stakes? Everything's either fixed immediately in a single chapter or it's stupidly inconsequential like Daybreaker and Nightmare Moons prison stint.

8569475
Why do you like to pick everything down to the bone??? Why not give me some ideas on how to deepen the chapters instead?

8571936
Don't let the twelve year olds get you down. I think they disliked because they don't agree. Look over the beginning because everyone starts from there. I'm not saying it's bad. I just give advice ja?

A guard slits all of their throats... damn... how did Twilight know? If he did it so precise? There was no. "Oh shit they dead!?" Or anything it was just like Twilight knew they died...

Time to fly! (Superhero music starts playing)

I guess you just need filler.... and details....

Where is all of the food coming from?

Shit got to have been destroyed so like less food and stuff

his name sounds like Romeo, hopefully they don't end up like Romeo and Juliet

8579039
He's going to sacrifice himself at the wedding to save Twi from an assassin.

i was expecting her to blow her lid like chernobyl

I wish she would join Day Breaker and Nightmare Moon. It sure would be entertaining! :twilightsheepish:

8569444
One point you missed.

Over the next few days, Twilight pours all her effort into getting several hundred more houses built while the Crystal Ponies continue to stay in the Palace of Friendship.

Wouldn't they be in Canterlot?

"Yes, and banished her evil half to Limbo," Twilight responds.

Wouldn't that need a large amount of power and would also trap Twilight in said Limbo?

8589490
No because of fear of the possibility of the retransformation of Celestia and Luna back into Daybreaker and Nightmare Moon.

8589498
No. She used the portal spell like she did in the finale of the current season.

i get the feeling that there's more where they came from
namely the fear that twi could snap the same way celestia did

8589498
She combined it with the portal spell like she did in the season 7 finale.

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