Epileptic-autistic eldest of four, artist, creative, and horse crazy girl who is obsessed with entertainment media and history among other things.
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After hearing about the Friendship School from Gallus, Gabby decides she wants to attend too, so Gallus helps get her enrolled and soon, she settles in just fine and soon makes friends with the rest of Gallus's friends and becomes especially close with Silver Stream, the hippogriff.
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Oh my gosh, Gabby comes to the Friendship School (adds story to favourites)! Please, Hasbro, we need Gabby back!
Oh, hey, I had this idea too.
Have fun with it, it's a good one.
I like this story. It's very interesting!
This is...too rushed. It feels like it just kinda happens. Why is Gallus in Griffonstone? The students are staying in Ponyville.
They call Twilight "Princess" or "Professor" by the way.
8825725
That's exactly what I was thinking. You took the words right out of my mouth my friend.
8825725
I fixed the whole why he's in Griffonstone thing. He's there with Twily and Starlight's permission.
8825820
Okay, I've re-read chapter one and it is...still not very good.
Look, it takes a train ride to get near Griffonstone. It is not a simple fly back and forth trip.
Gallus and students call her "Princess" or "Professor". They did so even when out of class.
Your use of "then did this" essentially is overused and makes the reading poor.
Why is Sapphire Heart a thing? We already have six other characters. Pointless OC is pointless.
Twilight just says "sure" super easily when this entire school thing involves a lot of diplomatic drama. There's only ONE of each race for a reason, and Grandpa Gruff - who seems to have some form of control here - isn't even addressed.
The main characters saying things like "I'm very shy" and "I'm very energetic" is terrible. It sounds like you just copy and pasted a wiki page for their descriptions. "I'm a cousin of Skystar" - why would she say this? Her aunt being Queen Novo is one thing, but how often do you name your cousin? How often do you tell someone you are shy as an introduction? Or energetic? Those are things that you use descriptive body language to convey (unless another person says their shy based on their actions).
Look at Twilight's meeting with her friends. We understood Fluttershy was shy because her meekly introducing herself. We understood she loved animals because of her excitement with Spike. Most people don't describe themselves unless asked what they liked to do. I mean they might boast ("Hey, I'm Smolder, the coolest dragon you'll ever meet!") but not just describe what they like to do.
Finally, Yona talks in third person; she refers to herself as "Yona" or "Yak" instead of "I".
"Yona likes cupcakes," Yona said. "Yak best at eating cupcakes."
When writing a chapter, you want to keep it at one to two scenes. These are your scenes in chapter one:
-Griffonstone
-School
-Back to Griffonstone
-Back to School
-Dorms
You wrote five scenes in the span of a very short chapter. You rushed to get her to the school.
Sapphire Heart? Where have I heard that name?
So far so good.
Um... sorry to point it out, but Yona, like all yaks, talks in third person and never uses the verb "to be".
8827530
Just fixed it. Thanks.
This is intresting
I like all stories with the school of friendship, but some of the scene changes are kind of rushed. Not a bad start though. I honestly wondered WHY it was Gallus and not Gabby in the first place. She wanted to be around ponies, and would probably have loved going to a school with them. Of course, she seems more interested in the CMC, so maybe she would rather attend their school. After all, Gabby already seems to understand friendship. I don't think she needs lessons. I can see her wanting to go, though.
8826567
I changed it to just Sapphire.
8887231
Stories take time especially since I have 72 published right now with more in the works. Patience my friend. Patience.
What an interesting story about Gabby. My sister's watching a story about this cartoon character. Even though she's a grown-up girl, her admiration is overwhelming. The main thing comes after school, goes to https://paperell.com/do-my-essay, makes an order for someone to do her homework as an essay. Got used to not having to worry about her studies at all. As far as I remember, and still uses this site and the head around how many study assistants she has. After that, immediately includes a story about Gabby and enjoys the rest. Somewhere, I even envy her.
This is a very fascinating story about Gabby. It is very talentedly written. My daughter really wanted to learn how to write essays, but she wasn't very good at it. I found the article https://legitwritingservices.com/blog/how-to-write-a-close-reading-essay/ which very clearly says how to learn to write beautifully. When my daughter read the blog post she wrote a very beautiful essay. I was very happy because now she can write beautifully and her little dream has come true.