Tea
Jesus Has Tea With Fluttershy
by rets :3
___________________________
To say that it was a beautiful day in Equestria was a lot like saying Fluttershy was good with animals. Birds were chirping in a controlled panic, as if each shrill peep would be its last, while flowers gently rolled in the wind like they strived to be stalks of wheat. Silly amounts of woodland creatures scurried about, much like woodland creatures generally do, and each bore an unsettling smile on its face. At least, it would look unsettling in any other setting, but here in Equestria it was a fairly common occurrence. Much like breathing, if you went around asking ponies.
The Everfree forest groaned, and slowly slunk its millennia old body across the landscape, its very heart beating only once per year. It is commonly thought that the Ursa Major is the largest sentient being in existence, but those in the know happen to be very aware that the assumption was false. The Everfree was a massive turtle of a creature, reaching its flippers around the world in its never ending mission, which only it knew of. Its focus, as it had been for decades, was turning towards a spot upon itself that had been rudely chopping it into bits with tiny tools. It had yet to realize it, but a small town had taken up residence around where its right kidney should’ve been. On the very edge of that town was a cottage, which contained one of the four beings that had figured out that the Everfree was more of a creature than a forest; one lived near its spleen and the other two atop a mountain.
Her name was Fluttershy, and it will take the Everfree more than a century to receive the news that she is currently having tea with a pleasant stranger who had shown up at her door. On any other day, she might’ve denied such a request, and hidden under the couch for an hour, but today she was feeling rather peculiar. Almost, perhaps, brave.
If one were to be granted the knowledge, they would see that this was predetermined. She would be brave, and it did not matter why she had come to that decision, because it was predetermined and the Fates didn’t need a reason. Unfortunately, it had been originally scheduled for next Tuesday, when a tornado was destined to rip through town and she would be tasked with saving several families. The Fates had left their intern in charge while they went off to their book club meeting.
So it came to pass that Fluttershy would be sitting on a soft pillow, made of a fine royal purple, laced with golden strands that some beautiful maiden must sorely miss. Opposite her, on a similar but far more burdened pillow, was a well-built man in a white robe. What skin she could see was tanned and muscular, calloused from years of hard work.
It wasn’t what he looked like that mattered, it was the fact that he was there in the first place. There being Equestria and, generally, within part of an improbability curve.* The mysterious being took a light drink of the tea, a fine herbal brown that had scented the backyard with whatever flavor it was. Fluttershy coughed nervously - something that every intelligent being, whether it is physically capable or not, does at some point in its life - at the man gazing thoughtfully over his raised teacup.
For a moment, she stared at him with an open-mouthed expression of awe, only closing it at the sound of porcelain colliding with wood. Her concentration shattered. She blinked, and looked at the newcomer as if she had only just noticed him.
“I - I, um...” she started, lower lip quivering to the point where if it weren’t attached to her face, it would’ve jumped off and run for its life. “So... Mr. Jesus?”
“You may just call me Jesus, child. What questions do you have for me?” the man responded, resting his thick hands on his lap. Beneath his beard was a smile so soft, the pillow under him felt a twinge of envy.
“Okay, um, Jesus. I was just wondering. What are you?” she asked. He raised a bushy eyebrow, taking another methodical swallow of tea. He lowered it to the table with perfect, practiced grace, and opened his mouth to speak. Fluttershy took a quick swig, if only to not seem rude in front of a guest.
“Physically, man,” he answered plainly, eyes flickering to a couple of birds as they raced each other overhead with murderous gleams in their eyes. “Your home is lovely. Do you enjoy yourself here? I have known many to dislike such seclusion.”
“Oh, yes. I love it here. All of the beautiful birdies and the animals to keep me company, and it’s not that far from town. Where are you from?”
“Immaterial,” he answered. A short silence slipped in, looked around, then slunk away.
“That’s a pretty name,” said Fluttershy, looking up as a cloud floated overhead. Jesus followed her gaze, and his soft smile seemed to grow ever larger and softer, the laws of physics and logic bending to accommodate it. “It’s very peaceful here. That’s another reason I like it,” she continued.
“Such peace gives you time to meditate on life and its many wonders, does it not?” he asked, eyes seamlessly looking where she was. Above, the cloud seemed to get the message, and slowly morphed into the vague shape of a butterfly. Which was to say, exactly like a butterfly. Clouds in Equestria were fickle things, and ones from the Everfree seemed to be the only ones that understood their own capabilities.
“I guess so. I don’t think peace needs a lot of meditation to be, um, understood. You’re just supposed to enjoy it, I think.”
“That is a good way of putting it,” said Jesus. An awkward silence peered through a crack in the door, slipping in when it thought the two weren’t looking, and promptly sat on their heads. Only the occasional sip of tea interrupted the awkward silence, but this one was smart, and smothered the noise with itself as soon as it died off.
A bird landed next to Fluttershy, and the two took a moment to smile at it. A few meters away, obscured by the tree, a flower bloomed. A chicken clucked.
“This tea is well made,” said Fluttershy’s companion, setting down a now empty cup. A robed arm reached over to the heavily decorated neon-pink teapot. A nervous cough and yellow hoof interrupted him, the cough coming from Fluttershy, not the hoof.
“Allow me, please. And, um... thank you. It’s a recipe that my mother used to make when it was raining outside, and I don’t exactly make it as well as she did...” She trailed off, letting the gentle flowing of the tea do the talking for her. She leaned back in her seat, stopping halfway to look at a different neon-pink item. “Um, would you like any sugar?”
“No thank you, Fluttershy.” Jesus leaned in to take the the cup, nodding in appreciation while she drank from her own. “I was never one for sugar. Your mother has crafted an excellent recipe, and even if you cannot perfectly replicate it like you wish you could, you give a splendid attempt, and honor your mother in holding it to such high esteem. What of your friends, though? When you first opened your door to answer me, you mentioned that you had scheduled a get-together with them later in the day.”
“Oh... um, I’m sorry,” Fluttershy squeaked, slowly curling in on herself like a rolly-polly, “I panicked and lied. I... you’re not mad, are you?” she asked, looking over a raised hoof. Jesus sat placidly, pink teacup in one hand. “... are you?”
“No, my dear, I am not.” He set down the tea cup, sighing as gently as the wind. “But it is noble of you to apologize, and I forgive you. What of your friends, though? They sound like interesting ponies,” he asked.
“I guess they’re interesting,” she mused, looking up at the blooming tree overhead. In one of the branches was a nest, in which two robins were visible. “I really like them. Sometimes I wish I could see them more, but lately I’ve been really busy taking care of the animals.”
“Have they been giving you trouble lately?”
“Um, no. Well, I mean I guess they have... but I’m the only one in Ponyville that knows how to take care of them properly. It’s my duty to them.” She took a deep, tragically heroic breath, and continued observing the birds as they fluttered to-and-fro amongst the branches. “I just haven’t had time for my friends,” she sniffed, watching in admiration as the mother fed its young via vomiting into their mouths.
“Then make time,” Jesus said, taking a long sip of tea just after the words left his lips. Fluttershy jerked her attention from the birds, gave it a rousing speech from the confines of her subconsciousness, and planted it right in front of Jesus like a mother dropping her child off at a new school.
“What?” was the only word that was able to make it past her mental filters and out of her mouth, and even then it only managed to come out as a whisper.
“Make time,” Jesus repeated, as if that explained everything.
“Um. Oh... how do I do that? I don’t think even unicorns can make time...” Fluttershy whispered, her eyes drifting down to her tea. What she didn’t know was that, technically, unicorns could actually make time. It was an expert level spell and took many decades to master for even the most experienced unicorns, and by then they were dead.
“I will leave that for you to meditate on, my dear.” He paused just long enough to consume more of the tea. “But if you truly love your friends, then it will become obvious to you soon enough. It merely takes patience of the mind and heart.”
“Ooooh.” Fluttershy shook her head, looking past her tea and at the ground under her head. “I don’t think I know what you’re talking about. Why can’t you just tell me?”
“Some epiphanies must be earned, not given. Is that one of your friends now?” he asked, gesturing his teacup to the path leading to Fluttershy’s house. Through the blooming, flower-filled trees, a vague lavender shape could be seen bobbing down the path towards the front door. Between the birds chirping, the bees buzzing, and nature making an absolute mess of things, a very faint sound could be heard from the purple blob; it was humming.
“Oh, my. I think that’s Twilight! I better go get her. I’ll be right back, Mr. Jesus. I promise,” she said, sliding off of her pillow. Her obscenely long, curled pink mane and tail bounced as she trotted off, disappearing around the edge of the house. A few multicolored birds and various woodland creatures immediately came from the woodwork of the home, rushing to follow their caretaker to greet her guest. All of them left, in fact, save for a small chickadee that looked like he most certainly was the runt of the litter, and was probably made fun of in school. This particular chickadee landed on the edge of Jesus’ raised teacup mid-sip. He gently lowered it, and smiled down at the bird.
“Hello,” Jesus said.
The bird tweeted back, and he blinked.
It may be beneficial to point out that all animals in Equestria are somewhat intelligent, and while ponies are in fact the second most intelligent, birds are the third. The exact intelligence level of the many species on the planet have been argued over for centuries, since so many of them are capable of arguing that they are the smartest, but unknown to them the exact smartest of them all has been plainly obvious since the argument began. That would be butterflies.
Several of them were fluttering around a yellow and a lavender pony, not at all caring about the invasion of personal space and caring even less about the conversation going on between them.
“So the girls and I thought we’d have a picnic today, but we know how busy you’ve been lately. It wouldn’t be the same without you, so I just wanted to come over and make sure you’re free ahead of time,” Twilight said, smiling the generic smile of one friend happy to see another friend. Fluttershy returned the gesture, but hers was more adorable. The demure pegasus looked solemnly at the ground.
“I’m sorry Twilight, but I have been rather busy. I took a break for some tea, but...” she trailed off, eyes swiveling upwards to meet Twilight’s happy, expectant gaze. Perhaps it was the strings of Fate being pulled again, or happy coincidence, but something in that momentary glance made Fluttershy think, and make a discovery for the ages.
“Actually,” she started, taking a deep breath, “I’d love to go on a picnic with you girls. I’ll just have to work extra hard later, but if it means spending time with you, it will be worth it.”
“Hey!” Twilight said, a beaming smile crossing her face. “After the picnic, we can all help you take care of the animals! That way you don’t have to work as hard. Can we do that for you, Fluttershy?”
She took a step back from her unicorn friend, a smile threatening to overtake her face. “That would mean... a whole lot to me, Twilight. It shouldn’t be too hard. I can go tell Angel to-” She stopped mid-turn, eyes widening. “Oh, Jesus!”
“What?”
“I completely forgot! Twilight, I met a new friend, and I think you’ll love him!” Fluttershy exclaimed, making an unearthly squeaking sound that would’ve caused multiple heart attacks had anyone been watching. She grabbed Twilight by her forelegs and puttered her wings as hard as she could, and probably harder than physically possible. With her friend in tow and the wind blowing back her silken mane, she zipped around her house to the backyard, where she knew Jesus would be sitting cross-legged on his pillow, sipping unsugared tea from a pink cup.
And he wasn’t, naturally. Such is the way of these encounters.
“Um, Fluttershy. There’s nopony here,” Twilight said in her usual bookish tone. She was seconds away from breaking out her emergency spectacles and giving her creamy friend an impromptu physiological evaluation, when she spotted a note left next to a full and steaming hot cup of tea. The pegasus and unicorn stared blankly at it, and the latter encased it in a simple levitation spell. Deciding she didn’t need to use her emergency spectacles, Twilight read the note aloud.
“My apologies for leaving without a goodbye. Late for a book club. - J.”
___________________________
*Which was cozily positioned right between a universe full of giant space turtles and a universe where everything was made up of black holes.
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"NRRRGH! Yu us3d religion? You used teh almoity lord in a storehy? Heretic!"
[youtube=5NylmdC_uEM]
Sweet Jesus in a pogo stick...
derpy.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/134187285012.png
I had too.
And I love this.
I'm a cold hearted Athiest, and I enjoyed this story a lot. Very well written.
A
for you
Me like
That was pretty amazing. Possibly the nicest story I've ever read. Of course now you've used up all of the nice on FIMfiction and for the rest of the week we get nothing but gore and clop and ponified versions of violent videogames.
But still, nice!
Hah, very down to earth story, I liked where it went. Humerous and insightful for Fluttershy (And I suppose anyone else in her position). Job well done mate!
>Which was cozily positioned right between a universe full of giant space turtles and a universe where everything was made up of black holes.
I love you. Unless this isn't the allusion I think it is, then you're still pretty awesome.
As a (late) Author's Note, I have to say that this is not, in fact, a trollfic, and I am, in fact, a Christian, and I made sure to have this pass through a few of my other Christian friends. So, in the name of love and tolerance, let there be no "lol jesus ogm religoun sure is silly rite?" comments, because they will be deleted. Enjoy the story.
Edit: Also it was really just a test to see how well I could nail down a good Comedic Narrative. How did I do?
... Everything went better than expected.
No, seriously. The funny little absurd streak running through the whole thing meant that it never got dull, and I honestly chuckled aloud several times. I particularly enjoyed your personification of pretty much everything. Well done for taking such an utterly silly concept and turning into an enjoyable, if uneventful, one-shot.
This. Is. Amazing! I love it! Here have an upvote and a fav!
And have some mustaches too!
And then Fluttershy smiled, and Jesus had a heart attack. Shortly afterwards he came back from the dead and had another.
Great story!
edge.alluremedia.com.au/m/k/2010/11/phoenix-wright-objection.jpg
...I found something objectionable?
Interesting read anyways.
This was entertaining. Very good read.
In before religion-related raging rants.
Wait, did I come up with alliteration on the spot?
That's a once in a lifetime thing...
Anyways, I don't really care much for/about religion (I'm atheist), but I found this rather amusing.
This was good! I love it! I liked all the random analogies in teh narrative you used, and I believe you caught the personalities of both Fluttershy and Jesus very well indeed!
I'm agnostic and I found this enjoyable.
Not many can pull that off, good job!
This was random, but also peaceful and adorable. Well done
Cute story, man. There's a certain charm to the idea of Jesus chilling with Fluttershy, believe it or not.
Also, I found it odd that this story appeared just the day after I read Bill O'Reilly's "Jesus Comes to Ponyville", which is kinda the opposite of this fic
907738 yAy 4 uBerhAxn0va !!
Bravo, just bravo.
Now I have a question, where's the book club?
I'm an atheist, but this fic really made me happy. It just felt... peaceful. No matter who he was, his wise words will always resonate through time.
You remind me A LOT of Douglas Adams! I can't help but think your inspiration comes from the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxi
That was probably the best single Jesus I ever read. From one jesus fan to another you, sir, are a genius.
And so humble...
You get a gold star favorite, sir.
907782
I would say that it sounds like something straight out of a Terry Pratchett novel.
Very well written, i'm atheist, but it's impossible to dislike this.
The nice, quiet, tea time Jesus and Fluttershy had. What i like about it? It's quiet, something pretty hard to find not only in FanFic, but even in books.
By the way, this is the most original FanFic i've ever read, i could never even possibly think something like this!
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907748
Now that is an awesome picture.
Jesus, ever the teacher. This is an amazing story, and I love how both Fluttershy and Jesus interacted. I wonder what's this book club he had to take off to.
Ohh I haven't read something this light-hearted and nice in a while. A welcome break between action sequences and improbable drama regarding the parentage of so and so. Thank ye kindly for making this
I'm an atheist, and have only this to say: media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6ye003Z2b1qi1aod.gif
I'm an atheist, but I've always liked Jesus (that sentence was retarded, but I can't think of a less weird way to put it...) and this story was weirdly peaceful.
And it sucks how he disappears inexplicably when someone else tries to meet him.
I just knew Jesus would pull a "only a certain person/Pony may see me, if anybody/pony else pops out, i'm outta here."
As a christian pegasister I very much enjoyed this read. It has given me the start of an idea for my own fic.
Saw the title and the inevitable happened. Reading immediately.
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I'm offensive and I find this Christian.
As an atheist, I had low expectations going into this. However, this is more on the "meditative" side of religion, and not the "believe what I say or burn!" that I expected, so you earned my thumbs up.
I must say I was surprised by the title and at first wanted no part of it. But then I could resist, I just had to read it. And you know what? It was nice, I liked reading it. Didn't come off as pushy or anything. I've got no possible complaint on this one. Content is good and so is the writing style.
I am curious though, were you trying to imitate Douglas Adams by chance? I was getting some definite vibes out of it.
I liked this a lot. While I haven't read much of the Bible as I probably should, I feel you got His character down very well.
907978
Funny you should say that. I noticed that too, especially in the "Ponies are the second most intelligent creatures in Equestria", which is very much the same as a speech from HHG2TG explaining how Dolphins and Mice are smarter than Mankind.
~ TDG
4.bp.blogspot.com/_Yokih9zUOyE/TTzxcVyuU7I/AAAAAAAAADA/DGf8YdIvZHw/s1600/Brilliant.png 908154
907743 Love that game.
Welp, it must be time to start on my own pony/Christian crossover. Good work. And I agree with everyone else's comment on the Douglas Adams feel.
You made Jesus nice i Im okay. And that is a strange idea, but I like it!
Wasn't sure where this was going to go, still have no idea!
Masterfully surreal, and it was nice to see a non-Bible contained story where religion and/or Jesus weren't actually insulted (yup, I'm a Christian too).
907782
Sounded like one of the Hitchikers Guide books.
Well... Jesus is Brony is now Canon.
I'm agnostic, so I'm not sure weather or not I like it.
I'M KIDDING AGNOSTIC PEOPLE...
or maybe I'm not, I'm not sure
No, but this was a great story. I read it back when it first showed up on here, but never got around to posting the comment. This was one of the few nice stories that isn't full of romance (thank god... coudl you imagine?)
Suprisingly, I wrote a chapter of one of my chapters with Fluttershy meeting Jesus during his crifixion.
Don't worry, everything ended up fine. Except for the incident with the plasma cannon, that silly Judas.