• Member Since 16th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 28th, 2017

Whisper The Saint


E

A luxury cruise is attacked in the middle of a voyage by a vicious sea serpent. As many ponies flee for their lives, eight ponies end being left behind. Finding what seems to be their only chance for survival, can they decide who should be saved and who should be forgotten? And even more important: which of them will make the sacrifice needed for the others to survive?

This story is a Christian moral tale. Please take this into account before reading.

Last Update: Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 91 )

Bleh. Your dialogue is just... flat. None of the ponies act like they're on a sinking boat, discussing who gets to die or not. They just calmly state their opinions one at a time. None of the ponies have any emotion; it reads like they're all holding scripts and reading in a monotone voice so they can memorize their lines. Not to mention the death scenes are filled with unhealthy levels of narm.
At the very least, you've got a firm grasp of the English language. Bonus points for that; bad fanfics are normally unreadable due to glaring spelling and grammar errors.

Comment posted by Zytharros deleted Sep 13th, 2017

If there's one thing that never works in FiM fics, it's religion. I too am a Christian, but it's never a good idea to put in religious ideals in MLP:FiM at all, even in fics. When we read fics of FiM, we don't want to read stuff like this at all. Religion in MLP is pretty much a very bad idea all around and there's no need for stories like this. It's nice to have a bit of a redemption story, but bringing in religious views is what kills it. I understand your values and all, but stories like this are not well received. Expect a lot of thumbs down and hate messages. I'd recommend taking this story down and just leaving it in the scrapyard.

This is just ugly. Your description is terrible (you really don't need to state this is a Christian fic. That made me go in to this with high expectations), your dialogue is ATROCIOUS, your characters are terrible, and this fic is just blah, in general.

Also, don't mix religion with ponies.

1065427

Too bad there aren't many people who can see the point behind the fic.
I like it.

The 'point' of this fic, when you get down to it, is 'Be Christian or you're gonna die'.

To the author:
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw6160-ThisIsHowSmartYouLook-2.gif
Including religion in this was completely and utterly pointless, and did nothing but further alienate any potential readers you may have gotten. You're Christian - okay, cool. Leave that out of your fanfiction. Religion (especially real-world religion) serves no purpose in pony fanfiction, and your attempt at implementing it was poorly done. It came across as a very shallow message essentially amounting to "My religion is better than yours".

The writing, in general, was poor, and the dialogue left much to be desired. If you ever make another attempt at fanfiction, do not include your religion. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

In addition, THIS part of your synopsis?

The author of this fanfic is a Christian himself and he is doing it with the purpose of making something that can be enjoyed by Christian’s fans of My Little Pony.

That's woefully idiotic on your behalf. You're basically implying that Christians can't enjoy writing that doesn't involve Christianity in any way, shape, or form, and such thinking is both laughable and unwelcome in today's society.

Just basically what everyone else said. Including Real Life religion in Equestria is bad news. It'd be fun to explore what would happen if Religion was introduced besides worshiping Celestia, but that's for another time. Just...leave out real world religion. it's bad news.

Look, mate, I'll sympathize with you for a moment.

I laud your courage to be so open with your views--that's really admirable, and I'm glad you're proud--but there's a certain finesse that should probably be tackled.

A "Christian" fic should probably not open with "This is Christian".

Ideally, you wouldn't have to tell the audience.

Ideally, every Christian message would be handled with symbolism, double meanings, and subtlety. Most people on this site will probably not pick up on them, of course, but that is kinda the point. I recommend looking at Cormac McCarthy, Tolkien, and C.S. Lewis for good examples (and not Lewis' apologist work--his Cosmic Trilogy).

That being said, you'll get better at mechanics if you find some people to write with--some people you can trust for critique and whatnot. There'll also be a better quality of critique if you give people other things to harp on than your religion, which should be high in your priorities as an aspiring author.

TL;DR: As a Christian Existentialist, I understand that Christianity is going to influence your works regardless of how you handle them, but you should really look into weaving them into the story rather than announcing it. You know--Show versus Tell except thematically.

Good luck and Godspeed, mate.

Deceased.

Almost as bad as the bible... Almost.

The cover art caught my eye, so I walked in and was immediately deafened by the comically massive loudspeaker blaring "ATTENTION EVERYONE: THIS FIC HAS CHRISTIAN THEMES AND THE AUTHOR IS CHRISTIAN" on repeat.

I left quickly, never to return.

I appreciate the message and everything but I agree with what everyone else said. Religion is best left out when writing a fanfic.

"In the middle of the Equestrian Ocean there was a ship sailing… or should I say sinking? The luxury cruise had just been hit by a wild sea serpent. The creature gave the ship a single powerful strike with his pointy tail, breaking the hull and letting water enter quickly." Really? Nothing? Just jumping straight into it?

'pairs of wings'. Is that more than one? A typo? What?

"Most of the population of the luxury cruise was earth ponies, however." Why? Do earth ponies just like boats better or something?

"His name was Grey Hoof" STORY OF THE BLANKS OHMYGODOHMYGOD I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE LAWL.

"She was none other than Little Star, famous singer and one of the biggest celebrities in Equestria." What? Who? You can't just pull something like that out of your ass bub.

I honestly can't read anymore. I don't care what happens to these characters so why should I care about what I'm reading?

Look, I can see you're trying, but this isn't interesting. I don't care about OCs and I really don't care about religion. So when you add those two up, you get a big pile of no one is going to read this shit.

Also, pet peeve, NEVER PUT YOUR STUPID OC IN YOUR COVER. IT'S ASS.

This isn't an MLP fanfic - this is a Christan moral tale/tract thinly disguised as an MLP fanfic, and as such, it really has no place on this site. That being said, others have already noted the main problems with it writing-wise, but I have a few theological problems here.

#1. Christianity is not about being good or having a "clean conscience" like Light, it's about finally waking up to what a loser you are and how you're no better than the worst person in the world, skull earrings and all. And by "you" I mean "me", of course - realizing that I have literally zero basis for superiority in God's eyes was the best day of my life.

#2. Point me to that Bible verse that says rock music is bad? It's about rebelling against the system and overturning the status quo - two things that Jesus loved to do. A minor quibble, I know, but it's one of my pet peeves. Plus skull earrings are awesome. Jesus invented skulls. I think he likes skull earrings.

#3. I'm assuming the boat is a metaphor for us all dying and going to our final deserts. But if Light is filled with the love of God, why was he so apathetic about them all going to destruction? How could he have a clear conscience after watching six people die (even metaphorically) and not trying to save them? As the song says, where is the love, the love, the love?:fluttercry:

I'm sorry to tear your story to shreds like this, especially since you're already getting it from everyone else and I'm just piling on more and more. But do think on what I said, read the Bible and see if you agree, and find some quality Christian fiction, or fiction by Christians, even better. CS Lewis, GK Chesterton, Jan Karon, and George MacDonald come to mind. Good luck in your future writing adventures, and try to write an actual MLP story next time around! :raritywink:

I do not know if this fic was really 'necessary'
The Christian thing is fine for me, if you feel like add it you sure can do that. However, use a not-so-long ago disaster where people actually died to carry a Friendship is magic story seems wrong.

I mean, you really could replace the character with humans, ducks, deers or two-headed cows. It would not be much different. It is still a quite quite generic story who had done a lot of times before. Not bad, but just wrong in this context. And then, they're little faux pas. Like near the end where Midnight just slips on a bucket and dies. Fate killed her? The creator killed her? Because she was just an idiot? This scene was very flat.

Sorry, no hoof of approval for this one. :eeyup:

With some serious work and a decent amount of recreation of the characters and plot, you could have made this into quite a nice pony-parable. (Parable, is that the right term? :derpytongue2:) However, I couldn't help but feel all of the characters would have behaved differently in these circumstances. The dialogue was wooden as well, and there was no real sense of urgency or emergency. The Christian theme was also incredibly strong, and although this is a Christian fic, it could have been dealt with a little more tactfully. I know if I was a Christian, I wouldn't walk away with a clean conscience. I've seen someone get stabbed, and I know if I had known they would have been stabbed, I would have definitely tried to save them, regardless of their religion, opinion or age. Life is life, and deserves to be preserved. But keep trying, eventually you will write a pretty good fic if you take aboard the advice offered. Mail me if you need :twilightsmile:

You're too attached to your OC, Light, so much that you developed him much more than your other OCs.

At my first fanfic I have simply ignored most of the comments. This time however I will try to reply to each of you individually. :pinkiesmile:

1065411

So it needs more emotion? I will keep that in mind in my next fic. Also thanks for the grammar compliment, even through you didn't like it.

1065427

Thank you.

1065429

Why it's not a good idea to cross religion with Mlp? Just got curious there. Also I really don't mind thumbs down and hate messages, so don't worry about it.

1065445

So you came with high expectations, even through you believe that ponies and religion don't mix?

1065477

Nope. You missed it. I will show you what the main idea is. Do you see the word "Sacrifice" in the short description? And on the long description? And on Light speech and the conclusion of the history? The Christian survived because he choose to do the sacrifice, not just because he was a Christian. And he choose to do the sacrifice because that was what his heart and faith told him so. Then why he was a Christian? To show how Christians should act.

Sorry but I disagree: the point of religion in this fanfic was to show that faith helps us in making the right decision and gives us the strength to carry on. And before you begin: no, I am not implying that atheists cannot do the right thing.

I accept the flaws you mentioned in the writing but complaining about the religion theme is silly. It was pretty clear it would be a major theme: you read it because you wanted to.

And lastly... how did you get that? I said I made this fanfiction for Christian bronies, something they can enjoy and nothing else. The funny thing is: I used this same phrase in my other story and nobody pointed it out. Are you sure you aren't seeking things just to get mad?

1065504

Thank you for your comment. But I enjoy writing and publishing them. Don't worry through, I give plenty of warnings for people who don't like them.

1065559

First, thank you for your compliment. ^-^

I won't lie: I really was pretty open with it. Why? So people who didn't like the subject wouldn't read it. While I know that this reduces the potential amount of viewers, I believe there is two types of religious stories: preaching (to convert others) and fortifying (to solidify one faith). When I made this fanfic I wanted to approach the second type.

I must say that your symbolism and subtlety approaches is something that I would like to try in the future. Still the problem that I see with it is that people would get the meaning that most suit themselves... which probably wouldn't be the true point of the story.

But I am sure it doesn't hurt to try. I will give it a shot in the future.

1065720

If you don't like the bible... why are you reading a Christian history? :rainbowhuh:

1065737

You should have run faster... you still had time to left a comment. :rainbowlaugh:

1065771

You're welcome. But I disagree on the last part. :twilightsmile:

1065890

Yes, going right on the important stuff.

Also yes, it was a typo. :derpytongue2:

I consider that most of the ponies in Equestria are earth ponies, so that explains it. :twilightsmile:

Really? This didn't even cross my mind. :applejackconfused:

About Little Star... I didn't know that canon had already established every last famous pony on the world of Equestria.

I have a Fluttershy Christian fanfic on my profile. Would that be better?

I respectfully disagree: look at the thumbs up and down. Also look on this comment session. Obviously a lot of people have read it. Not all of them enjoyed, was expected, but it did bring attention.

The OC served like an additional warning, like I had said: This story is going to contains Christianity and OCs. And I guess it worked: this story got a lot less hate than my other one. :pinkiesmile:


1065954

Huh, why do you say so? Fanfics can be moral tales as far as I know. And you said you could replace the ponies for humans... so many official episodes could too. I didn't write a human fanfic, I took the world of Equestria and explained how the ship was attacked, what happened to the population while keeping the pony population into mind.

1 – Nowhere I implied that Christianity is just that. And Christianity isn't just what you said either.

2 – Nowhere I implied that rock is bad. That would be the same thing as saying that I hate teachers, scientists, athletes, princes, pop stars and mothers just because they died. They didn't die because of what they do... they died because of their attitudes, because they just couldn't bring themselves to care about the others.

3 – As I said, when they fell into the ocean they were quickly swallowed. There was just nothing to be done. And also he did think about what happened as you can see in the conclusion: he wanted it to end differently, but for the actions of others it wasn't possible.

While I appreciate your review, you know that even if I posted a famous story of Christianity there would still be haters. Because for most people the problem isn't with the story... it's with the message. This isn't a excuse for me to don't seek improvement, through.

When I write something with Christianity on it, I know people will be extra harsh with it. And it's not all that bad: I have received criticism and feedback that most people don't bother to share, things that allow me to keep improving. I also have made friends from those discussions, so I really want to thank you and everybody else for your reviews! :twilightsmile:

1066167

:rainbowwild:

1066366

I believe that yes, they are. I think that relaying morals like 'sacrifice' and 'selfless' never get old. :twilightsmile:

I am confused... do you mean the cruise pic on the story? If that's so, I just typed 'sinking cruise' on Google and picked the one picture that looked the best one. I made the story first, then I searched for a picture.

You said they could be replaced by any other thing, right? While I agree that the main idea could be adapted to fit other stories, I did make the necessary corrections for it to fit in the Mlp universe. And it's also possible to replace some Mlp official episodes with other races, so I don't see this as a biggie.

And Midnight died because... do you know when people go near a car crash just to look at disaster... and also get run over as result? That was technically what happened.

Still, thanks for your review. At least you gave it a chance. :twilightsmile:

1066430

Sure is. :twilightsmile: About the characters... their reasons were moved by their professions, yes, but there was one thing that they all carried: “They thought only about themselves and what was important to them.”

Perhaps I could have put more space to show the situation was pressing. My bad there. :derpyderp2:

Also the Christian theme was too strong for a Christian fanfic? What do you exactly mean?

And lastly... why wouldn't you walk away with a clear conscience? You warned them: 'get out of here, that cook is going to slip and accidentally throw the knife at you'. They didn't move because they didn't want to. You may feel bad, pity for them... but really it wasn't your fault. But thanks for the encouragement, I will keep making them. :twilightsmile:

Also how is going your Muslim Rarity fanfic? :rainbowwild:

1066453

I love this pic.

1067938

Yes, Light did get more screen time than the others. That was because he was the one who survived and the one who would relay the moral to the readers. ^^

1069983

Why so sad? :fluttershysad:

===
Fun fact: This reply could be uploaded as a story. XD

1072637

Sure is. About the characters... their reasons were moved by their professions, yes, but there was one thing that they all carried: “They thought only about themselves and what was important to them.”

I understand that, but it kinda killed the story when everyone left aboard the ship was greedy and arrogant (broadly speaking) apart from the main character.

Perhaps I could have put more space to show the situation was pressing. My bad there.

Taking the time to develop the story can do it wonders. If it feels like you are actually there, it's much more effective! :twilightsmile:

Also the Christian theme was too strong for a Christian fanfic? What do you exactly mean?

It could just be dealt with more subtly, that's all I meant. It's your fanfic, do with it what you will, but the message will be more effective if it is more subtle.

And lastly... why wouldn't you walk away with a clear conscience? You warned them: 'get out of here, that cook is going to slip and accidentally throw the knife at you'. They didn't move because they didn't want to. You may feel bad, pity for them... but really it wasn't your fault. But thanks for the encouragement, I will keep making them.

Still, if I was aboard a sinking boat, and everyone but me died, I would feel guilty. It's a mental trauma that victims of major accidents go through. By all means, carry on! I would offer more advice, but I just got hit by a runaway car, my hand is pretty mashed up, and I typed this with one finger on the way to the hospital. :twilightoops:



Also how is going your Muslim Rarity fanfic?

1072660

I understand that, but it kinda killed the story when everyone left aboard the ship was greedy and arrogant (broadly speaking) apart from the main character.

It's because the main character was the one who would set the example. There is also another reason: each of them was given a different excuse to why they should survive. :twilightsmile:

It could just be dealt with more subtly, that's all I meant. It's your fanfic, do with it what you will, but the message will be more effective if it is more subtle.

How more subtle it should be... without removing the faith and Christian factor from it?

Still, if I was aboard a sinking boat, and everyone but me died, I would feel guilty. It's a mental trauma that victims of major accidents go through. By all means, carry on! I would offer more advice, but I just got hit by a runaway car, my hand is pretty mashed up, and I typed this with one finger on the way to the hospital. :twilightoops:

No problem. I agree that people sometimes feel guilty for things that aren't their fault. Well, the character felt bad... but not to the point of getting Survivor guilty. :raritywink:

Thanks for your comment. :twilightsmile:

>Story is implying Christianity is best religion, by making people unselfish.

>Not going to drop the Crusades, or Inquisitions, because author would counter with charities, and all the good stuff religion has done.

You know, religion is like a penis. You don't show it off in public, and you don't force it down people's throats. I find this an example of both. Public showing, and throat-shoving.

1073332

I disagree that I cannot show my religion. If I want to wear a cross that is my choice. But I am not shoving it through anybody throats: there is a big cross on the image alongside a warning.

If I don't like zombie stories, I wouldn't read stories about zombies. If you aren't Christian... what are you doing here? :rainbowhuh:

Because I found it hilarious.

1073379

Well, at least you were sincere. :rainbowlaugh:

Your writing could use some work, especially the setup, but I liked the message and the Symbolism. Each symbolized a part of society. Fame, Youth, Education, Science, Leaders, Parents, Rebels, and Religious Folk. The first six continuously fight about who is the least important, and in the end, their squabling meant their death, none of them being able to put aside their life for the greater good of society they say they are needed to protect/advance. The Rebel's (Midnight's) death, although necessary of the overall message, was handled clumsily, it seemed a little forced, maybe having another scene between the boat disaster and rescue would make it better. Still, Good Job.

Light, I'll give you credit, you seem to have an impressive level of patience for harsh criticism. Can't say I would have held up as well as you have in the same situation.

If I may make a suggestion? Charlie Brown your stories from now on. You can have strong Christian overtones without it being the major defining aspect of the story.

1073655

Thank you for your comment. :twilightsmile:

Yes, you got why they each received different classes and why Midnight died in the end. I have been trying to improve and your feedback is sure going to help me in my objective. So thank you again. :pinkiehappy:

1073751

Thank you. :twilightsmile: It's not that harsh criticism doesn't affect me: I really feel bad when I receive so much anger. However fighting anger with anger never worked, so I try to avoid it.

But what exactly does Charlie Brown mean? Is it the same was being more subtle? :applejackconfused:

1073808
Effectively, yes. You can express the themes you want without it being an explicitly religious piece which, as you're aware from the comments, is not often well-received. If you have a moment, look up the origin of gin and tonic and you might get a feel for what I'm trying to say. Or perhaps not, because metaphors are annoying like that. :pinkiehappy:

Why is your Jesus pony OC white? Jesus was a a Middle-Eastern Jew, making it impossible for him to be white. He was most likely a darkish brown or a pale brown. Just throwing it out there.

1076105

Ah, my OC isn't Jesus. :pinkiesmile: He is white to symbolize Light.

Still, I think this would go like the "Would Twilight be black if she was human?" debate. :rainbowlaugh:

1074864

Well, the problem I have with being more subtle is that:

A) Announcing it's Christian let's people who are Christian to see it easily.
B) Announcing it's Christian let's people who aren't Christian to avoid it easily. (well, this part I am not sure if it's working :rainbowlaugh:)

While I could remove, for example, the warnings at the entrance I don't see much else I could remove. One of the themes of the fanfic is faith... so I can't remove it. And if I remove the Christ it wouldn't be a Christian fanfic. :twilightsmile:

I know this would makes things a lot easier for me. Still, I think that sincerity is the best policy. :raritywink:

...
This is just... bleh.
I'm going this comment the same way you started your fic: I'm Mormon, and I write Mormon fics. I've yet to see any other Mormon-doctrine-oriented fics (Book of Friendship is awesome, but doesn't count), and I'm glad about that. Why?
Because this seems to be all that comes out of a religiously motivated fanfic. Weak characters getting their proverbial shit wrecked. Straw men (sic: straw ponies) getting torched by some faithful motherfucker's dialogue.
The only interesting thing about this was that you didn't convert the rebellious teen by the end, opting to turn her into fish food because that's so much more illustrative of your point.

Your grammar needed work too.

Irony of destiny... Really? Fucking really?

If anyone else were to write this, and this is the worst way to review any piece of fiction ever and I'm only making an exception to what is almost certainly a rule somewhere, it would have...
- Had a romantic subtext between Light and Midnight that didn't end tragically... or 'ironically'...
- Involved a subversion of faith, specifically, the unfaithful ponies would have entered the boat in an orderly fashion... but would attempt to fit in one more passenger than directed.
- A lot less ponies would have died.

And for the record: a fanfic doesn't have to be explicitly Christian for it to be Christian in thought.
I'm writing/have-wrote/am-working-on a story that, by all rights, is heavily grounded in ideas based on the Mormon religion.
It's about nine people being resurrected as horned creatures on a planet in space that is based on the human state of mind.
Saying it's Mormon takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?

In my opinion, the point where I could not stand the message being conveyed by this fic was when Midnight slipped. Just... you realize Jesus was a rebel, right?

First, thanks for the comment. :twilightsmile:


Yes, it's a religious fanfic. That was pretty clear and I didn't hide it a bit. :pinkiesmile:


Some of the points you made I already explained in this comment section. First things first, each of the ponies actually represented an idea. Each was made based on a different appeal, a different reason on why they should survive and the others die. A strawman is a weakened version of an argument... well I don't think I weakened any of them. In fact when I wrote this fanfic I gave each of them very good reasons to survive. I took them from real people, during one of those motivational courses at my job. Some of the characters were more jerkish than others... but that is because people are. The only thing I made all of them equal was the something they lacked: compassion. This is the true reason all of them failed in the end. As you can see, they weren't straight "real ponies". :fluttershysad:


Midnight death was also explained: she died because of her lack of compassion. Could she survive? Sure, she could... but she was just too twisted in order for it. Think about it: the only reason she didn't care about saving herself was because, deep down, she hated the whole world. And she met her fate because she tried to enjoy when the world fell. :pinkiesad2:


About grammar, what exactly is wrong? When I review a fanfic I try to point where are the mistakes so the owner can correct it. Of course you don't have too, but that would be more helpful than just "improve your grammar".


Are these three ideas how you would do it? If I used any of them... then that wouldn't be the point of the fanfic. What are the major themes? Three things: sacrifice, compassion and faith.


- I wouldn't put romance just for the sake of it. It could even be used to pass another moral... but really, I would rather make another fanfic just for it.


- That would change the entire message, as such it would be a completely different fanfic.


- If any of the other ponies survived then the point would be changed too. The only ponies who would be saved are those who actually managed to care about others.


Let's suppose that one of them said after Light speech: "You are right. I will stay." The other five would be saved and the three on the boat would be saved either. It would be a cute history.


But they couldn't change their opinions: because ever since the beginning they lacked compassion and were selfish. Because they were too focused on what they were that they couldn't care about the others. Realistic thinking, then yes, they could survive. But thinking about the message it would show that compassion and sacrifice weren't the only way... which would go against the main idea. :twilightsmile:


Never implied it were. I just said "This is a Christian fanfic for Christians to enjoy." That doesn't mean: Christians can only like Christian things. It means: this fanfic was made explicity for Christian people. :pinkiesmile:


As for your example, if I read "This fanfic is for those who like gore" I would simply don't read it. However if I read your story and it suddenly started to show signs of gore without warning, I would probably be hurt. Of course gore is not the same as religion but I used it because I really don't have anything against Mormon fanfics. Nonetherless, there are people who get offended at the mention or symbolism of religion, so I warn in respect for them.


Midnight death was explained before. She and each of the ponies didn't fail for what they were. They failed for what they lacked. :scootangel:


EDIT - Also if you noticed, Light didn't exactly kill their arguments. He only showed different perspectives to them and what is more important.

1091219
Removing an entire human (err... equine) trait from the entity portraying a give point of view is exactly what "creating a straw man" is. You certainly presented their arguments in a concise (... which is actually one of the problems with this fic, but I digress) manner, but by removing the inability for them to comprehend another's point of view, you have created what is, by all definitions, a series of straw men.
Midnight's death was explained. The explanation is still problematic, though. Perhaps it is only my own experience as a rebellious teen, but there really aren't people that have zero compassion, or have a deep-seated hatred for the world at large. Now, that is not a definitive statement, I'm sure there are people with the belief that, frankly, 'everbody can just go fuck themselves', but presenting the one teen with a rebellious attitude as this sort of person is again, presenting the reader with a straw man. It's the equivocation that's key here. You're implying that faith is the basis of compassion by removing faith and compassion from the other arguments.
If I had the time, and the personal interest in helping you get your word spread, I'd go through the grammatical issues of this fic, but they pale in comparison to all the other problems I've gone on about. In a (run-on) sentence, they range from simply running over a word, uses spell-check to guess at the spelling of words you didn't know the exact of spelling of at the time, and... awkward prose.
I would use those elements to express the themes presented in the fic because they all either rely on or reinforce those themes.
- Romance draws on the faith in two beings to work together, and their understanding of one another (compassion).
- An unwillingness to believe in the posted directive is a lack of faith, one level...
Admittedly, having more survivors than the faithful Light does not have as much bearing on the expression of the themes... but it would allow us to see some actual compassion towards the end. Light wanted them to survive, did he not? That was the basis for his compassion.
No-one simply lacks compassion. They may reserve it for those they care about, but it is not in their nature to be robotic facilitators of ideology, completely unwilling to acknowledge the right to live of another caste, creed, or... job....
Finally, we are all what we have been given. What we've been taught, the opportunities that we took up in our early years...
You can't say that the lack of something is not a character trait. Or... actually, what the hell do by this? We are what we lack...
Of course Light didn't fight their arguments. He just presented his own belief, and whaddya know? It was appealing to our innate sense of compassion. That's Straw Man 101. Don't fight their arguments, appeal to the ideals of the reader while implying these ideals are not present in the straw man.

1093643

I think you are mistaking what a Strawman is. As I said before, using a Strawman is making a superficial argument and misrepresenting them. Their arguments weren't superficial, nor did they get broken. The characters were superficial... that is the difference.


And why they were superficial? Because as explained, they aren't real ponies. For example, let's pick the prince. The prince represents authority. Is authority compassive? By itself, of course not.


Now is authority a Strawman? Well, I will let you decide. In my opinion, no. It's just something abstract, so of course it cannot show emotion.


But now let's pick faithful. Is faith compassive by itself? Based in the core beliefs of Christianity... yes it is. True faith needs you to be compassive. Of course this does not imply that only those who have faith can show compassion... it implies that those who have true faith are compassive. :twilightsmile:


That still doesn't help me much in matter of grammar.:applejackconfused:


As I said, Romance just wasn't needed for the overall message, it's pretty solid as it is. Besides I don't feel like shipping my main character. :derpytongue2:


This I already explained on this post.


Presenting an argument and beating it doesn't mean it is a Strawman. It needs to be a weakened version of it. Their arguments were firm as stone and so were their concepts. They lost because their concepts, by itself, doesn't require compassion. And the concept of faith, taking Christianity into account requires it. Of course I am not saying this only applies to Christianity, but you have to remember that this is a Christian fanfic. :twilightsmile:

I'm going to ignore the Christian theme to this because it honestly feels shoehorned in to turn this into some kind of morality tale. I'm also pretty sure that was your original intent.

First off the good. Your spelling and grammar appear to be okay, I couldn't find any glaring issues so marks on that one. Your structure is also good. Spaces between actual paragraphs and all which is a big step above the normal drek we get here. However, that's where the good ends and we head to the badness.

Where do I start?

Your characters are flat and 1-dimensional but then maybe this was your intent. They've got no characterisation other than whatever superficial attributes you've given them. They don't feel real and feel more like what a believer imagines a non-believer to be. Then your OC and possible stand-in for yourself Light seems to be the only one with a hint of personality but then again this might simply be because he's you and you're putting a little more effort into writing him.

Next we have the dialogue. Oh boy. Nobody talks like that. Seriously, it's bad. The writing you have would be more at home on a stage and even then it might not go over as well as you might hope. None of the characters talk naturally, again this might simply be your intent to make them as simple as possible. I'll admit that writing dialogue is difficult but you should at least try to make it sound real.

Then the circumstances that lead to this happening was a little strange. The serpent got angry attacked the ship and made sure that half the lifeboats were damaged before just leaving. The destroying the lifeboats indicates intent yet once this happens the serpent simply swims away. That's not consistent.

And finally the ending. How convenient that the religious guy is the only one to survive. I mean the ship was sinking so quickly, yet all the ponies besides himself die and yet the boat takes enough time to sink so that the Wonderbolts can save him. That's a Deus ex Machina if I ever heard one.

As a fanfic standing on it's own merits, it fails. It's boring, dull and predictable.

As a Christian fanfic I guess it serves it's purpose in that there's a message but the only ones that will appreciate it, enjoy it and understand it are those that already have faith to begin with. This is not going to reach the unsaved assuming of course that was your intent. You'd have better luck writing something a little less heavy handed, relying on allegory instead of in your face type preaching.

Uh... nothing against adding religious themes to a story, but the last time I saw someone try was "Prayer Ponies: Friendship Is Through Jesus." It was one of the single worst things I've ever read, and the heavy-handed Christian propaganda only worked to its detriment. And no, I'm not bashing it because of those themes. Just... look it up. It doesn't exist in its original form anymore, to my knowledge, but just reading any of the riffs available should tell you that it is an abomination unto God.

My point, I suppose, is that religion in pony fiction is a bit of a taboo. There are many reasons for it, the infamy of the story mentioned above being the least of them. I fear elaboration would be the trigger of a religious argument, however (another major issue with it, actually, those being so easy to start), so I'll leave it at that. For the actual literary reasons for the story's failure, I believe those above me illustrated it well enough.

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Ah ham. That is true: most people say that my grammar and structure are pretty fine. While it's not perfect, it's something that I work hard to achieve: I want people to be able to understand what I write. :raritywink:


That is also true. I didn't expend much time developing the other OCs, but I had a reason for that: they were 'empty', if you will. Even through I gave them names, they are symbolism used to represent different stereotypes. Still... I admit I could have put more focus into them.


About dialogue... this point I concede. Truth to be told I am not very good in putting emotion while talking. :pinkiesad2: Like other users said, it seems like the ponies are reading the 'dialogue'. I will try to improve this.


Hmmm. I agree this seems implausible putting into reality. But like others said, this is a moral tale: characters, the situation... these things exist just because of the message. :twilightsmile:


This last one is explained with the same explanation: any different ending would probably fly away from the main message.


Yes, it is predictable. Like the 'good always beat evil', for example. This I agree with you. :twilightsmile:


But truth to be told, you are wrong on your last paragraph: I didn't aim for the 'unsaved'...


"The author of this fanfic is a Christian himself and he is doing it with the purpose of making something that can be enjoyed by Christian’s fans of My Little Pony."


I made this fanfic mostly for the Christian brony community. :scootangel: While this doesn't mean that I don't want non-Christians reading it, I made with the purpose of relaying a message to the Christian community: like when a Pastor or Priest preaches at a church. :pinkiesmile:


I thank you a lot for your review and will keep in mind about the dialogue. Thanks again!



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You made me lol. :rainbowlaugh:


It's sure is taboo. And thank you for your comment. :twilightsmile:

I made this fanfic mostly for the Christian brony community. :While this doesn't mean that I don't want non-Christians reading it, I made with the purpose of relaying a message to the Christian community: like when a Pastor or Priest preaches at a church

Yeah, I'm sorry but that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

I'll admit right off the bat, I'm not a Christian so I'm obviously not part of the demographic you're going for but that shouldn't matter in terms of telling a good story. A good story should be able to be enjoyed by everybody regardless of their personal socio-religious views. Now you can go the "safe" route by taking a story and watering down the message such as in "The Ten Commandments" but then you've also got Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner playing Moses and Pharaoh respectively or you can go for a more cohesive method with "Facing the Giants" where there is a heavy Christian message here but not a lot in the way of being preachy.

It's when you make a story or a movie only for one specific group that you wind up with the real drek in cinema where they don't need a strong story, good actors, good directing or anything else because the faithful will still see it and still say the message is great while ignoring all the faults and proclaiming the movie to be a smash. These are movies like "Left Behind" or "Suing the Devil". I've seen them both and both of them were absolute garbage not only in terms of the acting but the story as well. They weren't good examples of storytelling yet they're beloved by the born again crowd simply because they're effectively preaching to the already converted and re-enforcing what these people already believe. If this is truly what your goal is, then I guess mission accomplished. If however you're trying to tell a good story that can be appreciated by a wider audience then you need to be prepared to make some changes

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What can I say? You are right. :twilightsmile:

When I made this story, my goal was to those who were Christians. But I will need to change my style when I try to get to a wider audience. Thank you. :pinkiesmile:

Well, I had come here to review this on behalf of the TWE, but it looks like I—*puts on sunglasses*—missed the boat.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4m70zTebV1qg9kam.jpg
Okay that was bad attempt at humor. However, I have to agree with almost everything my comrades have said previously. Especially the point about the characters extruciatingly blasé attitude with which they discuss who should be saved.

There is a couple of grammatical problems that I saw that no one else mentioned:
* I saw a massive overuse of ellipses (...). Ellipses are a very powerful tool in a writer's arsenal, but when used too much, they begin to lose the intended effect.
* There's some very odd word choices (maybe to give it a sort of biblical feel? I dunno), and a few missing words here and there. Bonus protip: Read your story out loud to yourself, and all the weird phrasings and missing words will magically show themselves.

And as Sierra said, keep trying. You have potential to be really good at this, I think you just need some more practice.

That is all.
NATOstrike ~ TWE Railroad Maintenance Engineer

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Many TWE coming here. I guess I am popular now? :rainbowlaugh: /joke

Thank you a lot for your review: I will keep it in mind. :twilightsmile:

1337416
Oh Krishna save us, that fanfic was terrible. I'm not convinced that it's not a trollfic because it's simply too awful and has all the earmarks of a troll.
The spelling is terrible, the OC is a complete Mary Sue, the ponies acting way OOC, Rainbow Dash is somehow male and this occurs somewhere on Earth.

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Well, yeah you're now INfamous.... Your story has been added on TWE. :pinkiecrazy:

On another note, you can actually bring religious themes, but devellop them a bit more, maybe? Be open to other views of the world and universe too so that it doesn't look like blind propaguanda that no one will ever read (oh well, i guess you would have to be agnostic like me to do that :trixieshiftright: )

Anyway, from the comments i just saw, reading it would be a waste of time and a frustating experience. No offence.

1073808
Have you ever seen "A Charlie Brown Christmas?" If not, go watch it. Best Christmas special of all time. :twilightsmile:

I personally think MLP carries many Christian themes, but the others are right: blatant Christian tracts like this don't mix well with MLP. Subtlety is the key! Use parallels, echoes, symbolism...

-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Grunt

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nooooooooooooooo.com/vader.jpg

Hum, perhaps I could develop it more.

But that really isn't blind propaganda.:twilightsmile: If you want we can have a religious discussion.

But I do say: you probably wouldn't enjoy this fanfic. ^-^

Don't worry, I will later make a fanfic with aim to the non-Christian folk. :pinkiecrazy:

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Never did. I will sure try to do it. :twilightsmile:

And I will remember it. ^-^

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