• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Admiral Biscuit


Axe Body Spray: Confounding ponies since 1983.

E
Source

Zakia and her mother are harvesting food outside the walls of their village when an alarm cry sounds from the village wall. This time, it is not a predator that was spotted, but a flight of distant pegasi, heading right for their village, their intentions unknown.


Second-place finisher in the Everfree Northwest Iron Writer competition.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 55 )

Sub Saharan Zebras... neat little bit of world building here.

Just the same, I wish that they would pass by without stopping. They can have the sky—I do not want it.

And for some reason, this really spoke to me. A great amount of insight into the protagonist.
Nice job!

I do agree that those ponies had strange names, they sounded more like Changing names if you ask me. Still good story!

This was a joy to read! Thanks for the glimpse into the zebra!

While I understand that trade negotiations are so boring they're one of the twenty billion factors that killed the Star Wars prequels, and also that this was from the perspective of someone who wouldn't really know or care about all that stuff, this story does still feel somewhat incomplete.

8176957
I've got to agree. I loved the tone and world-building, but it was a bit of a let down not to know even a vague outline of the deal they reached at the end.

Even a small change of viewpoint can totally alter the way you see the world.

Every so often I will climb the hill behind the house.

From the top, I can see forever.

This was an enjoyable read, and an excellent bit of world building. It feels almost like the prelude to a much larger story, so of course I'd like to see more.

You caught me on the name Derecho. At first I thought you might be making a reference to Cold in Gardez' Lost Cities, but it turns out to be a a pretty cool weather condition, and the name you might give a pegasus warrior.

8176790
:heart:

8176801

Sub Saharan Zebras... neat little bit of world building here.

Thanks! I kind of surprised myself with it, to be honest. And I have to admit, I don't know all that much about real zebras, besides what I've seen on The Nature Channel and MLP. More research is needed.

And for some reason, this really spoke to me. A great amount of insight into the protagonist.

Kind of the complete opposite of Silver Glow. :rainbowlaugh:

8176861

I do agree that those ponies had strange names, they sounded more like Changing names if you ask me. Still good story!

I'm not sure what the normal naming conventions are for Zebras or Changelings--I don't really read all that many fics starring either. All the names I used were either Swahili or Shona.

8176927

This was a joy to read! Thanks for the glimpse into the zebra!

You're quite welcome! I'm glad you liked it!

8176957
8177082

While I understand that trade negotiations are so boring they're one of the twenty billion factors that killed the Star Wars prequels, and also that this was from the perspective of someone who wouldn't really know or care about all that stuff, this story does still feel somewhat incomplete.

I've got to agree. I loved the tone and world-building, but it was a bit of a let down not to know even a vague outline of the deal they reached at the end.

The time limit was absolutely brutal. When I started the last section, I had about fifteen minutes left, and I had to work some kind of conclusion onto it. I actually timed out while I was proofreading and only got through the first half of the story.

I think that all the stories in the competition probably have a few spots that would have been corrected if there had been any time for editing, but there simply wasn't. And maybe I could have done a little better if I hadn't spent as much time researching, but I felt that getting the names right would go a long ways towards really immersing the reader in the characters, plus it also helped me kind of focus on the vibe of the village, if that makes sense.

8177141

Even a small change of viewpoint can totally alter the way you see the world.
Every so often I will climb the hill behind the house.
From the top, I can see forever.

I've climbed up on my roof before and looked around the neighborhood like that. One thing I've wanted to build for years but haven't had the time or money is a sort of raised balcony/deck on the back of my house.

8177433

This was an enjoyable read, and an excellent bit of world building. It feels almost like the prelude to a much larger story, so of course I'd like to see more.

Thank you!

I think it could be a lead-in to a longer story, although I didn't really have any intentions of that when I wrote it. It's something that I may or may not expand upon in the future.

You caught me on the name Derecho. At first I thought you might be making a reference to Cold in Gardez' Lost Cities, but it turns out to be a pretty cool weather condition, and the name you might give a pegasus warrior.

I haven't read Lost Cities yet, although I really need to. CiG writes really good stuff.

I am pretty sure that there's some kind of desert wind that has a specific name, although I couldn't find it with some really quick googling, but I did find Derecho, which I thought was a good name for a pegasus.

8177472

Ah that is where my confusion was. The pegasus names where translated into the zebras native tongue. I also guess my original post could have been clearer on that point.

8177466
though zebras will soon learn a harsh lesson: beware the pegasus who bears a stick

8177486

The closest phonetically to Derecho I can think of instantly, would be Sirocco?

8177540
Yes! That's the one I was trying to remember! Thank you!

8177486 I'd bet you're thinking of the word sirocco, which is also very cool.

On the side, it always makes me think of Paco de Lucia's Siroco (the Spanish spelling) because it's an awesome flamenco album, and really fits the mood of the word's meaning.

And if you weren't thinking of that word, well then you have another word to think about. :twilightsmile:

Edit: Ah, Booster Spice got it. Cool.

Missed EFNW this year. Too bad. Stupid broken leg. Good story though!

While I would be tempted to think of this as a Zecora origin story. I don't really think it is.

This feels more pre-modern times to me.

8177482 Fair enough, mate. That's half the reason I try not to do contests, right there.

I wish there was even more of the "outsider looking in" angle. Those are scenarios I love to read: Where the characters and peoples and situations we are so familiar with are shown from a different perspective.

This is a pretty damn good story

Very enjoyable story. And all that was written in only two hours. I'm very impressed! :twilightsmile:

Edit: Are the stories of the other contestants linked anywhere?

8177648

I'd bet you're thinking of the word sirocco, which is also very cool.

That's exactly the word I was thinking of. And had no luck with during the contest. If I'd remembered it, I'd've used it instead of Hyrax, 'cause that was kind of a weak name for a pegasus.

Turns out the winds from other directions have names, too, which is really cool.

On the side, it always makes me think of Paco de Lucia's Siroco (the Spanish spelling) because it's an awesome flamenco album, and really fits the mood of the word's meaning.

Ooh, I'm gonna have to check that out!

8178045

Missed EFNW this year. Too bad. Stupid broken leg. Good story though!

Bummer about the broken leg. Should've come anyways, and just hopped around on one foot. :derpytongue2:

While I would be tempted to think of this as a Zecora origin story. I don't really think it is.
This feels more pre-modern times to me.

Yeah, it's not meant to be at all. I didn't really set a time for it in relation to the show; I suppose it would really depend on how well-explored the Zebra lands are at the time of the show. I think it's possible that there are isolated villages still (in show-time), although it's hard to imagine that the pegasi at least wouldn't know that they were there. Then again, pegasi might not be common in that part of the world, so maybe there hasn't been all that much exploration.

8178224

Fair enough, mate. That's half the reason I try not to do contests, right there.

It's a downside to them, that's for sure. Then again, there was nothing to stop me from editing the story before I published it on FimFiction, and I could have fixed the parts that were lacking. If it hadn't placed at all, I think I would have; but I thought that I ought to show it as written for posterity.

I think it's fun, just for the challenge of it, and I wrote a story I probably never would have thought of otherwise, so I guess that makes it worthwhile. Also I got a prize.

8178692

I wish there was even more of the "outsider looking in" angle. Those are scenarios I love to read: Where the characters and peoples and situations we are so familiar with are shown from a different perspective.

That's about my favorite kind of writing, too, and a lot of my stories tend to go that way (which is why I've written so much HiE and PoE).

8178824

This is a pretty damn good story

Thank you!

8178952

Very enjoyable story. And all that was written in only two hours. I'm very impressed! :twilightsmile:

Thank you! And yes, it was written (and researched) in only two hours.

Edit: Are the stories of the other contestants linked anywhere?

Yes; I believe that they're on the contest website. Of course, I can't remember what that is, and I'm not using the same computer I had at the con, so I'm not sure how long it will take me to figure it out. I was hoping that EFNW or Xepher would put up an announcement with a link, but so far nothing.

I can tell you that the first-place story was redsquirrel456's Take Notice.

Rescue Sunstreak wrote PVFD: Fire Watch One, which didn't win anything. Other than that, until I find the link again, I can't really be any more help. :derpytongue2:

8179464 Thank you :twilightsmile:

I asked because I found the list of Scribblefest 2017 submissions and the Iron Author 2016 Winners - but couldn't find anything about the Iron Author 2017 Winners.

Well, I will have to look for updates at https://www.fimfiction.net/user/EverfreeNorthwest

8179470
I'm sure they'll post it on FimFic eventually, but sometimes they seem to be a little bit delayed when it comes to blogging. Of course, I can't really complain; there some blogs I've been meaning to write that I haven't yet, and I'm also way behind on updates for three stories. . . .

8179508 Oh, no problem at all. :twilightsmile: Everyone has a life beside Fimfiction too .. I think :applejackunsure: :rainbowwild:

A tantalizing taste, though the contest format seems to have left little space to really turn it into something. Maybe in a sequel... :twilightsmile:

Had me confused for a second. Never seen someone else use a Swahili name for a character of theirs. Been using the same name for a long going story now for a MC.

8179943

A tantalizing taste, though the contest format seems to have left little space to really turn it into something. Maybe in a sequel...

Yeah, the time limit was pretty brutal when it came to worldbuilding.

I'm not sure if it's something that I would write a sequel to--I've certainly got enough other projects, and to be honest, I'm not sure what inspired my choice of characters or location. Normally, I go into stories already either knowing what's gonna happen or who's gonna be in it (or ideally, both).

8180010

Had me confused for a second. Never seen someone else use a Swahili name for a character of theirs.

All the zebras in the story either have Swahili or Shona names--I thought it was appropriate, and it helped me get into character (so to speak).

Been using the same name for a long going story now for a MC.

Oh really? Is it about zebras? 'Cause now you've got my interest.

8180058 It is indeed about Zebra's... but it's not for the tame of heart by any means. It's a mature story.

I really liked how different from the ponies the Zebras are. I'm not familiar enough with Subsaharian culture to really judge of the "historical accuracy" of it, but it reminded me strongly of native american tribe.

I really feel you should write a sequel, to complete the story. As is, it is a very nice piece of work, even more so since you've writteen it under a time limit, so I can understnd why you published it without further addition. But, I think a special fim fic expended edition would be a grood idea.

8180089

It is indeed about Zebra's... but it's not for the tame of heart by any means. It's a mature story.

I'm not totally opposed to mature stories, although I do prefer that they're not simple clop. Or gore.

8180188

I really liked how different from the ponies the Zebras are. I'm not familiar enough with Subsaharian culture to really judge of the "historical accuracy" of it, but it reminded me strongly of native american tribe.

Short of pictures in books and some half-remembered lessons in Anthropology class about 20 years ago, I'm not very familiar with it, either.

I really feel you should write a sequel, to complete the story. As is, it is a very nice piece of work, even more so since you've written it under a time limit, so I can understand why you published it without further addition. But, I think a special fim fic expanded edition would be a good idea.

I might--I have a lot of other projects at the moment, so if I do, it wouldn't be for a while. Plus, I'd want to do better research than I was able to for the contest.

8180209
Zebra Conquest, Subterfuge, Domination, Character Death.
It's done in the sense of a subtle approach instead of battlefield combat. More spy games like but very heavy with the clop as well. It can get very dark at times and somewhat mean.

8180356

Zebra Conquest, Subterfuge, Domination, Character Death.
It's done in the sense of a subtle approach instead of battlefield combat. More spy games like but very heavy with the clop as well. It can get very dark at times and somewhat mean.

That's pretty much about the opposite of what I generally like in a ponyfic. :derpytongue2: Maybe one or two of those elements, but not all of them. . . . Although I am quite interested in the spy games part.

Nice job!

By the way: We now have a Zebra-Tag.
Maybe consider adding it.

8203918

Nice job!

Thank you!

By the way: We now have a Zebra-Tag.
Maybe consider adding it.

Huh, I didn't know that! I thought the only one was the Zecora tag. :derpytongue2:

Zebra tag added. :heart:

This is quite a unique story.

8210070 No problem. :twilightsmile:

Interesting. Very interesting. Not sure what else to say about it, it didn’t go very far, but what was there worked.

I liked this story a lot, especially the voice.

Africans I’ve met from places like Kenya and Botswana sometimes speak english with an almost soft formality, and I could hear it in her words.

You really captured the even cadence with the fullness of the sentence structure and lack of contractions.

A Definite Double Favourite.

8213285

Interesting. Very interesting. Not sure what else to say about it, it didn’t go very far, but what was there worked.

Thank you!

It was rather experimental, in that I’ve never written anything about Zebras, nor have I ever used this particular voice before. Plus, the time constraints for the contest meant that I pretty much had to just go with my gut, and it worked out pretty well.

8215111

I liked this story a lot, especially the voice.

Thank you!

Africans I’ve met from places like Kenya and Botswana sometimes speak english with an almost soft formality, and I could hear it in her words.
You really captured the even cadence with the fullness of the sentence structure and lack of contractions.

I’d like to say that that was intentional, but I didn’t consciously know that. It just felt right to me, and it felt like her character would talk, so I went with it.

A Definite Double Favourite.

:heart:

jxj

Hmm, interesting little story.

Fascinating. You fit an incredible amount of world building into so few words, along with the very well-presented perspective of a cild who's only now comijg to realize how vast the world really is. Thank you for this.

8227183

Hmm, interesting little story.

:heart:

8229639

Fascinating. You fit an incredible amount of world building into so few words, along with the very well-presented perspective of a child who's only now coming to realize how vast the world really is. Thank you for this.

Thank you!

I think that spending a quarter of the writing time allotted for research really paid off, because it got me immersed into Zakia's culture and her own mentality. And to be honest, I'm still amazed that I wrote all this in two hours--I guess the contest brought out the best in people. :heart:

I liked this a lot! From the description I thought this was in your Silver Glow universe and they were actually in some remote part of Africa, this was probably a better idea haha.

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