A Tale of Two Psychos

Starlight Glimmer was somepony who got lonely very easily. Perhaps too easily, if what happened with Sunburst was any indication of just how desperate she had been to have friendship as well as take it away from others. Tonight was no exception to this, though she silently wished for that to be otherwise. Most of central Equestria's roads were well-traveled, but Starlight didn't see anypony tonight.

The few beams of moonlight that shone through the clouds rolling across the night sky only illuminated tracks from what was likely a long-gone wagon and blurring, dusty hoofprints. Starlight couldn't help but think of this as a silent taunt to her.

Her refusal had seemed like such an honorable thing to do – a far nobler action after her downright villainous behavior with the time scroll. She had seen so many things gone wrong and so much violence borne from her mistakes, salvation that wouldn't have been, and war tearing across the land like few alive now could have ever dreamed of. There had been wastelands with no answer — no anypony, or any creature that she could have seen, but even then, dust and ash had clouded her vision.

And all of it had been her fault. She didn't know if those universes had been created by her or if they had always been. But she saw them all, and they felt like her fault because she knew that they had all been born — to some extent — from her catastrophic what-if:

What if Twilight Sparkle and her friends hadn't gotten their cutie marks?

From there, only more questions sprang: Would anypony be able to wield the Elements? Would there be any victory in sight? Would their friendship survive?

And she learned that the answer to all of them was 'no'. The glimpses of what she had seen had been horrifying enough. She was dangerous. She was wrong. Maybe she could still make friends, but a new manestyle couldn't change anything more than her appearance.

She knew that she couldn't be Princess Twilight Sparkle's student after all that she had done, so she had refused her offer and would have to find her own way. Sure, she had made promises to write — it wasn't as if anypony didn't know where Twilight Sparkle lived.

Though that had been a week ago, the supposedly understanding smile of Princess Twilight Sparkle that was so friendly she hadn't even been sure it was real still lingered in Starlight's mind. She kept dismissing visions of a lavender hoof she could never, ever accept reaching out for her. Some parts of her could never accept that gesture, even if Twilight Sparkle offered it again.

Starlight was tired of a lot of things, really. Traveling. Being lonely. Walking nowhere. Walking somewhere. The itchy and unflattering cloak she picked up at a second-hoof store. Trotting. Always eating to go and never getting enough napkins. Sometimes getting too many napkins. Getting weird looks for thinking mustard is the best condiment for an oatburger. Promises of friendship. The sign along the road warning her about a sharp curve and sudden, steep embankment that she just had to ignore.

Wait, what—

Starlight jerked her head up and peered into the dark, hooves stumbling along until she felt nothing below them.

...

When Starlight opened her eyes, she was relieved to see stars in the night sky rather than drifting around her vision to taunt her like everything else. Her cloak was still itchy, but the dark sky hid the ugly mauve color of the fabric. Her head still hurt, and somepony was pointing a broom lit with illusory magefire that shot off colorful sparkles to her face.

Starlight blinked and prepared to scream. Somepony else beat her to it.

"How dare you intrude upon Trixie's luxurious and refined campground!" a voice shrilled.

Starlight couldn't see much in the dark, especially with her headache, but it appeared that a unicorn was standing nearby if the glow grasping the possibly-enchanted broom's handle was any indication.

"What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"Uhh... that this just looked like a regular campground to me? I fell? Who are you? Why am I here—"

"ENOUGH QUESTIONS! Trixie is the one meant to be asking those!"

"Alright, but could you please put the sparky broom away, Miss Trixie?"

"Only if Trixie likes the answer to her next question."

"Which is?"

"Trixie did not yet say that you could speak!" The shrill voice continued, "Trixie wants to know if you are here about... certain forbidden things."

"Uh... 'forbidden things'?" Starlight repeated.

"Yes. Trixie does not intend to be paying for anything when she could camp anywhere for free. No borders, fences, or arcane weaponry can bar her from any place! Trixie has rights!"

"...I just fell."

The voice hesitated to speak again, and the magefire dimmed until the broom was just a broom instead of a surprisingly menacing cross between a torch and a firework. In the wrong era, Starlight was sure there would be shouts of 'witch' following.

"Trixie is sorry for scaring you then."

What should she say? Did she forgive this mare? Starlight decided that 'yes' was a fitting answer for the latter.

"It's okay, Trixie."

The voice harrumphed and the broom hit the ground with a thud, sending a small amount of dirt into the air. "Trixie supposes that she can feed you for your trouble, since you do look hungry—"

"Really?" Starlight interjected. "Thank you so much for your kindness — it really does mean a lot to me!"

"Hmph. You didn't even let Trixie finish."

"Sorry!" Starlight said, shifting nervously where she was half slumped against what felt like a box. She tried to sound as sheepish as Princess Twilight did at times. It wasn't so hard.

"Ahem," Trixie coughed, "as Trixie was saying, she will be giving you something to eat, but not until you help Trixie with the last of her laundry that you happened to dirty when you so rudely tumbled into her campground and decided to hit her clothesline so carelessly. Didn't anypony ever teach you manners?"

"Well," Starlight began, trying to keep most of her indignation in check. "It isn't every day that I tumble into the residence of a squatter."

Wherever she was, Starlight heard Trixie gasp in the shadows and shriek. "Aiii! How dare you dirty Trixie's laundry and insult her honor — while wearing mauve of all things! Need Trixie fetch the broom again for her guest's unjust prejudice against the homeward bound?"

Starlight Glimmer opted for silence.

...

Starlight's namesake illuminated the grassy space where Trixie had set up her campground. It was neither dignified nor luxurious, but it seemed okay to Starlight. Especially after she had been traveling on her own...

At the sound of nearby humming, Starlight lifted her head, swiveling it so that she could see without her dorky new mane in her face. Rarity had told her that the look was 'fresh' and made her appear 'approachable' and 'pleasantly quirky'... or had it been 'perky'? Starlight hadn't really been paying attention since she was certain that Rarity — and all the others — had been just trying to avoid calling her a petty and psychopathic madmare.

But at least she could see Trixie, who actually looked a lot nicer than Starlight's first impression of her had offered. Starlight liked that her light blue coat blended into Princess Luna's starry night and how her silvery mane gleamed. She was also about forty years younger than Starlight would have guessed, since she sounded like the kind of batty old mare who talked to ponies who weren't there or watered their cats and pet the flower garden like her Great-Aunt Andromeda. Living with her as a guardian certainly had been weird. Starlight was pretty sure that most fillies weren't able to say that they went denture hunting at the bottom of a well eight times before they were nine years old.

Shuddering at the memories, Starlight went back to levitating another star-studded cape to hang on one of Trixie's six temporary clotheslines before pinning it in place.

After a while of repeating the same tasks with all the other hats, capes, and socks that she had been given, Starlight felt a hoof tap her wither and looked up to see Trixie holding a half-full bag of chips, half a PB&J sandwich, three-quarters of an apple, and a plastic container containing exactly twelve breath fresheners in her magic.

"Trixie cleaned out her tragically smoothie-less pantry so you could have a late dinner."

Starlight accepted the food in silence and followed Trixie when she saw her motion for Starlight to follow her to where the embankment leveled off. Starlight watched Trixie sit next to the empty impression where Starlight imagined a decent sized pond would have been, once again beckoning for Starlight to join her on the grass.

Starlight plopped down next to Trixie, glad to find that the grass was soft and springy beneath her itchy cloak.

A cool night breeze wafted past them and a group of fireflies danced in the distance.

"Trixie thanks you for being so easily roped into manual labor."

"Thank you? Or you're welcome?" Starlight offered after she finished almost choking on one of the breath fresheners. She hated mango flavored anything.

"What is your story? Trixie is quite curious."

"I have severe emotional issues, so I formed a cult, but I was forced to disband my cult and now I'm hoping to take major steps to turn my life around. I'm also currently homeless!" Starlight said, smiling as widely as she could at Trixie. Staying positive was something important she had told herself throughout her life. It was also something she only listened to on the occasion it could be used to brainwash ponies.

"Bah, Trixie has been living like this since she was ten!"

Starlight tried to focus on the fireflies. "Did your parents die? Mine died a few months after I was born in a carriage accident, so I never really knew them."

"No, Trixie ran away. However, instead of lazily dying in an accident as an excuse not to pay attention to Trixie, they loved her very much. Trixie just needed to start a life and everypony knows that waiting is boring and Trixie was not going to wait another six years so she could properly adult."

"Uh, Trixie, 'adult' isn't a verb—"

"SILENCE! Trixie is speaking!"

"Sorry!" Starlight yelped, silently tallying the second time she almost choked on breath fresheners that night.

"As Trixie was saying, she ran away even though her family was very loving and supportive of everything Trixie could ever want and allowing Trixie her every wish. But Trixie was bored and her family was boring. Necromancy isn't a profession that Trixie wanted to pursue, even if it is the family gift!"

Since Starlight didn't know how to respond, she chose not to, and she liked to think it was a wise choice too.

"And Trixie has been a traveling magician ever since her family let her run away... though they still send tacky Hearth's Warming cards when they can. Bleh. Only two ponies have known of Trixie's true heritage, and you are one of them."

"Oh," Starlight said, smiling politely in hopes of steering this conversation to something that might be more along the lines of 'I'm going to win you over as a friend' rather than 'My family is dead and yours is creepy'. "What happened to the other pony? Did they ruin your laundry too?" She popped the last of the sandwich into her mouth and smiled at her own joke like the degenerate she was but still hoped it looked natural for a perky pony instead of the relaxed sneer she had used in her village.

Trixie grinned broadly in response, like a foal on Hearth's Warming Day. "Trixie killed him while under the influence of a magic amulet!"

Still smiling, Starlight nodded in understanding. "I created — or maybe it should be 'discovered' or 'revealed'? — multiple dystopian universes and brainwashed entire ponies without the aid or influence of dark magic!"

"In Trixie's defense, she couldn't have possibly had any idea that he was allergic to peanut butter."

"I'm pretty sure that whatever I have is called 'dangerously severe abandonment issues'."

"Aww, Trixie is a bitch too, but she is sure that we can be friends. You can even help Trixie hide bodies in the future if anything — including Trixie — goes south!"

For the third time that night, Starlight Glimmer almost choked on breath fresheners. "Hey wait, that's not what I said! I'm not a—"

"Trixie thinks it is very accurate. Most mares who fall down embankments at least avoid Trixie's laundry."

"It was steep!" Starlight protested.

"That does not, in any way whatsoever, excuse such rude and unkind behavior to Trixie and her property. Perhaps Trixie shall make you her indentured servant to pay for your crimes against fabric?"

When Starlight glimpsed Trixie's face, she wasn't sure why she ever thought that her new friend was joking. "If you keep saying things like this, does that mean that I'm going to have to be the straight mare here?"

"Considering that Trixie is a lesbian, yes."

Starlight shifted nervously on the grass while part of her mind debated whether or not to eat the partial apple balanced on her forehoof. "Well, I'm actually pan—"

"Which is still straighter than Trixie!"

"B-But that's not what I even meant by 'straight mare'! And I've never killed anypony with peanut butter!"

"Oh, that's alright. It was an accident that time. They'll never find the body, but that's off-topic before you had the nerve to interrupt Trixie the Sweet and Innocent. As Trixie was saying, regardless of her family's various pleas, every time Trixie encounters... professionals who are critical of her lifestyle and average fireworks usage, she contemplates diving into the serial facet of her supposed crime."

Watching the blue mare pout in the dark, Starlight considered Trixie's words. "So you're kinda nuts too, huh?"

"It is only because they demand Trixie's money or are too critical of folk music, which is something Trixie holds close to her heart."

Starlight Glimmer was a very good actress, and that meant she could nod in understanding and only she would know if the gesture of sympathy was sincere or not. "Hey, Trixie?"

"Yes?" Trixie's purple eyes focused on Starlight and Starlight alone.

"I'm okay with being your servant since I can't exactly work anywhere else, but could we lay off the murder for a teensy bit since I am trying to turn my life around?"

"Trixie supposes that could be a possibility..."

Grinning, Starlight clapped Trixie on the back. "That's good enough for me. Even if we do accidentally murder somepony-"

"Trixie thinks that you are speaking of what is commonly called 'mareslaughter', which is a lesser offense."

"Okay!" Starlight said with a winning smile. "Either way, I'll be sure not to mention it in any letters I write or to anypony because it totally never happened."

"Don't tell their families either!" Trixie snapped. "Then Trixie will be displeased. Also, arrested."

"And facing nothing but execution if you're found guilty!" Starlight added helpfully.

"Please do not remind Trixie."

Lying down on the dewy grass, Starlight looked up at the fathomless night sky that was lit up with dozens of constellations and crowned with the glow of the moon that Princess Luna had expertly raised at dusk, as distant as that hour now was.

Lazily, she stretched a foreleg up and pointed to something in the sky.

"Look," she whispered.

Trixie did, squinting in the direction of Starlight's forehoof. "A star? What is so special about a star?"

Starlight laughed and Trixie snorted, clearly offended. "No silly, that's not a star — can't you see it moving around? Stars don't do that and it's clearly too close to be a real star. Can't you guess what it is?"

"Oh? And will you forgive Trixie if she didn't receive the fancy Canterlot education that you did, learning all about stars and the most advanced magic as though you were Celestia's own pupil?"

"I was homeschooled by my senile great aunt."

"How quaint. Trixie went to a boarding school for young fillies and was kicked out almost as quickly as her first day passed."

"Why?" Starlight asked, eyes still on the sky.

Trixie pursed her lips into a scowl. "Those lights are false stars, aren't they?"

Starlight nodded quietly, the blue mare's discomfort apparent to her. "Yeah, but back in my village, we called them wishing werelights. It was hard to believe that the magical waste from every werelight and glow-wisp spell combined up there, among the stars to form something with so much power that only gods themselves could wield it, huh?"

"You have such a mark upon your flank," Trixie observed.

"Yeah... how I got that is a weird story. Everypony in Wispgrove was shocked to see me of all ponies with a mark like that on my flank."

"Wispgrove?!" Trixie exclaimed. "That's the village Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is from! Trixie must ask — did you know her?"

"I put gum in her mane a couple of times. Sure, she was an easy target since she was super easygoing and 'cause she was four years younger than me and always had more friends, but her mother was crazy — she killed spiders with a flame thrower. Everypony in Wispgrove except this friend I had and his family, my aunt and me, and Cadance herself were earth ponies, and when my friend and his family moved away, nopony bothered to count Cadance and me, so Wispgrove was always advertised to tourists as an all earth pony village until Cadance sprouted a horn and there was this incident with a witch... But, yes, I did know her. We were neighbors."

"You were the neighbor to a future princess?!"

Starlight sighed. Everypony really did love Cadance. "She wasn't a princess then, and she wasn't even old enough to remember when I got my cutie mark. I mostly knew her because everypony else had always loved her and she was super dorky — I mean she was in this silly band in everything. It sounded like it took sixty bits to make the music they played. But mostly, I remember her because I used to beat her up whenever her mother gave her bits to go to the village candy store. It only stopped when she was in fifth grade, since that's when she joined the archery club, and pegasus or not, that filly could shoot and I wanted to keep both my eyes."

"Trixie thinks that you are incredibly petty."

"HEY!" Starlight whipped her head around to look at Trixie.

In the darkness, Starlight's eyes caught a glimpse of Trixie's dazzling white showmare smile and were glad that Trixie couldn't see how bashful she felt with that smile aimed at her, now that she realized Trixie was only teasing her.

"Don't worry, Trixie likes petty ponies — they remind Trixie of Trixie! This means that we'll get along spectacularly, Trixie is sure of it!"

Starlight nodded, smiling despite the almost-insult. "Did you ever wish upon the stars when you were little, false or not? I've never been a huge star gazer myself, but being a bit of a night owl for most of my life always helped."

Trixie looked away momentarily, and Starlight almost missed the change. "Yes... Trixie has. She might tell you... but first you must tell Trixie your star secret!"

The sudden nervousness in Trixie's boastful voice caused her to blink. "I wished that I could belong," she said quietly. "I know it's a really stupid, naive wish for somepony who ran off — literally — as soon as their sixteenth year rolled around... I just vanished, and it wasn't like it mattered who I left behind. I had to correct my aunt on a normal basis that I wasn't my mother and tell her what year it was and who she was... and eventually, I just let her act like I was Aurora Glimmer, so when I ran off she lost two nieces... if she ever noticed at all. I never went back, but I'm sure she's dead."

"Trixie didn't realize a mare as pretty as you could be so old," Trixie muttered, and Starlight decided to take it as sympathy.

"I'm only twenty-six! That's not so old, so I don't know what you're talking about. What I do know is that I've had my mid-life crisis generously given to me by a preppy purple princess - seriously, that mare isn't even twenty!"

"And yet she already has a castle," Trixie muttered again.

"When I was her age, I only had three nutty followers instead of five."

"Six," Trixie said.

"Huh?"

"Princess Sparkle has six followers — there's a little purple dragon. He's like her foster brother or something. Trixie isn't sure."

"Oh, yeah. I had almost forgotten about him!" Starlight found laughing sheepishly way easier than she had expected.

"Bah, it is no problem at all. Trixie almost always forgot about the yellow one — she hates quiet ponies you, see. They rarely pay her anything good or cheer for her properly."

"Mhm," Starlight mumbled, playing with a blade of grass. As her magic dimmed when the blade no longer proved to be interesting, it withered. "So are you going to tell me all the silly things that you wished for now?"

"Trixie assures you that she only wished for important things, even as a filly." She crossed her forelegs across her chest grumpily.

"But are you going to tell me?"

A moment of silence hung between them and Trixie immediately turned away so her eyes didn't meet Starlight's. "Trixie... Trixie used to wish that she was like all the other fillies her age."

"What do you mean?" Starlight asked, ears pricking forward. Ponies had always said things like this before she brought them to the village and convinced them to give up their cutie marks.

"What Trixie means is that she wanted everypony to know that she was a filly. She wasn't always old enough to get the expensive magical procedures that would make Trixie's body the right one, but her family was always so supportive of Trixie that they not only made sure to change her name from Azure Lulamoon to Beatrix Lulamoon, they even sent zombie thralls as a stern warning to the bigoted boarding school that kicked Trixie out. To think that something like that could still happen in Equestria in this day and age!"

Once again, Trixie had Starlight completely unable to decide on an appropriate response. Everypony who knew other ponies in the right social circles was aware that the Lulamoon family — one of the last in Equestria to have an official clan name as the Bluebloods did — were the most open about their family skill — having the rare genes that enabled necromancy running freely in their bloodline. That, and Starlight had been in enough shady places to be aware that the Lulamoons were a very reputable 'business' family when the goddess Celestia wasn't watching, and that they'd probably be proud to count King Sombra himself among their ranks.

Starlight was even less sure of what to say when Trixie's magic thrust a half-eaten donut under her muzzle.

Starlight managed a confused squeak, jolted from staring at her rainbow-sprinkled cupcake in what had at least felt like bewitchment to her.

"Trixie has never been able to talk to anypony like she has talked to you. Normally, she only considers revealing her heritage to others as they draw their dying breath and Trixie stands above them, triumph gleaming in her lovely purple eyes. But you are different, and Trixie feels that you are above what a friend could be. Thus, Trixie must know: will you accept her hoof in marriage with this completely and officially legally binding gift that Trixie did not just teleport from under the rug in her wagon, or will you suffer a tragic accident with fireworks that are totally not Trixie's and there will be no recovery from?"

Blinking rapidly a couple of times, Starlight gingerly accepted the donut in her own magic and quietly dismissed the little voice in her head that told her to rethink her life choices.

She nodded once, bobbing her head so that her new swept-aside bangs could bounce with her gesture of 'yes', and then said, "I do?"

Trixie smiled widely and clapped her forehooves together gleefully. "Trixie knew you would accept! However, there is still one thing that Trixie considers important to know about her new and completely beloved wife."

"What is it, Trixie?"

"What is your name?" Trixie asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Starlight Glimmer," Starlight said, taking a bite of her engagement-slash-wedding donut thing as the stars twinkled above her.

It was stale.

Author's Note:

[Revised for print on 11/15/2020]

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Grey Rebl

Grey Rebl #1 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Okay, I'll bite: I can't decide if this is adorable or strange. Maybe I should take both.

Knight N Gale

Knight N Gale #2 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8129083 forget the story, the cover art is strange. That is a very odd a d strange art style

Mauser1888

Mauser1888 #3 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 2 · ·

Nice! Very cute.

MidnightFMare

MidnightFMare #4 · Apr 30th, 2017 · · ·

That was amazing, and lends a lot to a possible follow-up or prequel.

fourths

fourths #5 · Apr 30th, 2017 · 4 · 1 ·

THIS IS REALLY GOOD OKAY

I had been waiting for a great Startrix story and this definitely sated my hunger at least temporarily. I really like your takes on the characters, particularly making Trixie a little more batty than usual... and it works, it really works. A great alternate take for them meeting, and the dynamic you've written here between them... it's absolutely adorable ^_^ And I really like how you seamlessly worked Trixie's transness in, and Starlight's understanding and just... both of them feel like they belong with each other, which is super sweet. Perhaps the leap to romance is a little rushed, but hey, it's a one-shot. Though I would love to see more in this world, if you have more ideas for these two. They are socute and I would love to see how their romance develops.

Wishing Werelights - Ice Star

A Tale of Two Psychos

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